This is the second of three posts about the life and recent death of my dear cousin Mason. Mason was 63 years old when he passed away on May 26th after suffering a couple of massive strokes. As Mason’s determined next of kin, I have handled his affairs after his passing, and have learned so many lessons from this process. While it is too late for Mason now, for he has made his after life journey, you and I still have time to get our affairs in order. This post is about the affairs we all need to have in order when we die.

The first document we all need to have is a document stating our wishes when we are no longer able to verbalize those. In Virginia where Mason lived this is called a Durable Do Not Resuscitate (DDNR) order. This varies from state to state, but the important points relate to our wishes for extraordinary means, or not. Do we want to be resuscitated if there is no hope for a viable life? Now I know some may be thinking, “there is always hope.” Not really.

Mason had a cardiac arrest and was resuscitated, but he suffered a brain bleed and the doctors determined through tests and exams that he would never return to a living state without machines keeping him alive. Mason was placed on a ventilator, and after consultation and much soul searching, my cousin Paula and I decided that Mason would not want to live in that vegetative state, and gave the order for the ventilator to be removed. Mason died a few minutes later. (For all practical purposes, he had died already, and was just being kept alive artificially.)

When you die, do you want to be buried or cremated, and where do you want your body or ashes to be placed? To our knowledge, Mason had not indicated his wishes concerning this. He had no spouse or children to consider. His parents were both cremated. So, we made the decision to have Mason cremated, hoping to be able to have his ashes placed at the VA cemetery where his parents’ ashes are located. Since Mason was not a veteran, that may not be possible.

Mason died without a will, at least we were not able to locate a will. There were not many assets, mainly an RV In which he lived for the last year, and an SUV. Mason had not appointed anyone as Executor. In the state of Virginia, where he lived, there is a provision for a Small Estate Affidavit that allows his next of kin to handle his affairs without Probate.

In the absence of a Will, we need to have some record of how we want our personal effects including money, property, etc. handled when we die. Who do we leave what to?

We determined that Mason’s friend, Dave, who had cared for him in so many ways, including paying his rent for two months right before he died, deserved his assets. Dave had taken care of having the RV moved and stored so rent would not continue to accrue. He was also with me every step of the way handling Mason’s affairs. So it was my pleasure to transfer the title of the RV and the SUV to Dave. There was absolutely no question that this was the right decision to make.

We should all have friends like Mason had. In addition to Dave, there was Carl, who brought Mason food quite often. There was also Will, Mason’s friend who helped take care of him the previous year. There was Harriett, Mason’s neighbor for many years, who helped him in various ways, including financially. There was Bill, John, Josh, and Chris. And others I probably do not even know of.

Then there was Stephen. Mason was gay, and Stephen was his partner in past years. Mason and Stephen remained close, and there were times that Mason reached out for money and Stephen was always there. Stephen epitomized “if we can, we should.” Stephen could, and he did. Stephen also contributed to half of Mason’s cremation expenses, not because he was asked, but because he offered. It was my pleasure to visit with Stephen this past week and go down memory lane. What a kind, gracious, and overall wonderful person he is.

One other lesson from this experience is the need to have a record of who we want notified (and their info) when we die. Also, if we have particular wishes about how we want to be remembered in an obituary, service, etc. that should also be recorded so our wishes can be followed.

Then there is the issue of money. Mason had enough money that he should have been able to take care of his living expenses without having to depend on others for those. But according to his friends, he wasted money, buying things he didn’t need, and not paying his bills. I realize that this information presents a negative impression of Mason, and it is not intended to. Mason gave to his friends when he didn’t have enough for himself. In fact, this is not about Mason at all; it is a message for the rest of us. It is too late for Mason to live within his means, but it isn’t too late for us. Enough said; probably too much said.

I am sure there is more, but this is enough for now. My heart won’t let me continue.