It's In The Sauce!

Since the recent publication of my book, A Year in the Life of a Recovering Spendaholic, I am more conscious of saving money.  And I don’t mean saving money just by not spending money, but by intentional spending.  Although I was successful (with one mistake!) when I chose to not purchase anything for myself or our home for an entire year, there are, of course, things that I now purchase.  It would be foolish to think that one will never purchase anything.  It is true that Americans especially spend sometimes with abandon, and have so many things that they can’t find what they have when they need it.  This fact was reaffirmed recently when I cleaned out my closet.  I am now wearing a blouse that I “lost” in my closet that still had the tags attached!  Nevertheless, most of us do spend, and if we spend intentionally, we can save money. 

I was in NYC recently and was taking a long walk down one of my favorite streets, Madison Avenue.  I was not planning to purchase anything; I was just out for a walk.  I was exploring the side streets to Madison Avenue, and noticed a shoe store of a brand that I love.  I have not actually purchased their shoes before, since I have not found them to be affordable.  I went in, and to my delight, there was a sale on their winter boots.  I found a pair of boots that were on sale for only a third to a fourth of their usual cost.  Now, it isn’t boot season, but it will be again soon, and when it is, those same boots will be back to full price.  I had looked for new boots a couple of months ago during the end of the season sales, yet could not find any that I liked that were affordable.  It is amazing to me how much footwear costs these days, and that people are paying those prices!  I love quality, and there is a relationship to quality and cost, yet not to the degree that some designers charge. So, I will not usually purchase some brands that I love unless they are heavily discounted. 

Yes, saving money in this manner does take time, and time is money.  We do need to factor in the cost of our time in these decisions.  But in this case, I was not even looking for boots; they just jumped out and grabbed me!  Even better, there was no tax if they were shipped to me, and shipping was free!  So, I now have new boots, and for a fraction of their full price!  And the salesperson said that these same boots (with such a minor variation it will not be noticeable) will be in the fall line.  Since I don’t follow trends, if they weren’t, that would not bother me, but that is a bonus in this case.

I have another example of saving money by spending money.  My make-up is not inexpensive, and never goes on sale.  But fairly frequently the store where I purchase it has storewide sales with a certain amount of a gift card given based upon how much one spends.  I pay attention to when those sales happen, and wait to purchase what I need when I can benefit from them.  Another example of saving money by spending money.

What about coupons?  Do we save money when we use coupons?  Yes, and no.  If we use coupons to purchase items we would have purchased without the coupon, then yes, we save money by doing so. However, if the enticement of the coupon gets us to the store to purchase items we would not have otherwise purchased, then no, that is not saving money by spending money.  The same is true for sales.  We should be smarter about these spending decisions.  It is much better to buy items we need when they are at full price than to buy items we might not even want just because they are at a reduced price.

This is all about intentional spending of items we need, and fully understanding the difference in our needs and our wants. 

We all have a range of emotions, some good, some not so good.  Well, I should change the word “good” to “positive” and “bad” to “negative.” Emotions should not be thought of as good or bad, but positive or negative.  “Good” and “bad” labels put us in the position of judging, and emotions should not be judged.  While we should evaluate them, and determine how to manage them most effectively, that is different than judging emotions as good or bad.

It is good to be in touch with our emotions, all of them, and to not “stuff them down.” If we fail to deal with our emotions, they can become more problematic. We heard about the problems this can create from Prince Harry earlier this week.  But how we deal with our emotions is the key.  Sometimes our negative emotions come between us and others because we do not deal with our own emotions effectively.  That can become cumulative, and what could have been resolved develops into conflict, expressed (overt) or unexpressed (covert).

What are some negative emotions?  Hurt, anger, frustration, envy, and sadness are some of the most common negative emotions.  If these are unresolved, other negative emotions can occur.  Unresolved hurt can become anger, anger which can be directed at others.  Frustration sometimes comes from our inability to control our situation, and can result in us trying to control others.  Envy is coveting what someone else has, and can lead to sadness and even depression. Sadness that isn’t intercepted leads to depression.     

Joy, gratitude, empathy, happiness, and hope are some positive emotions.  As is the case with negative emotions, positive emotions are often related. The person who has a spirit of gratitude is usually happier and perhaps even joyful.  Those who possess empathy usually also have a spirit of gratitude.  People who have hope also are usually happier. 

We all possess both positive and negative emotions, and these are often the result of allowing external factors to control how we feel.  We need to examine this.  Why would we allow our happiness to be dependent on how many “things” we possess, how we look as we age, and even the opinion others have of us?  If we need the latest Apple product or the latest fashion to feel good about ourselves, we will likely have too many days of negative emotions such as envy or sadness.  If we are depressed or even sad as we notice we no longer can color the gray in our hair or hide our wrinkles, we are likely to be unhappy most of our days, and miss the joy those years can provide.  If others disagreeing with us makes us hurt or angry, we will miss the opportunity for polite discourse that can result in mutual understanding and even deeper relationships. 

When dealing with emotions, it is best for us to look within, and refuse to focus on the behavior of others.  You have heard, “The only one you can control is yourself.”  If I control my own behavior as I deal with my emotions, that will be more than enough for me to do.  There won’t be time for me to worry about the emotions and behavior of others!

Last week’s Blog Post was about my latest book being published, A Year in the Life of a Recovering Spendaholic. Thank you to all who sent me such wonderful comments.  It is indeed very exciting!  A friend has a book launch party scheduled for me in Raleigh, and my two book clubs have selected Spendaholic for our May readings. And there are other book promotion activities planned.  I am honored and blessed.

If/when you read the book, you will find that I state that the book is about me changing a behavior I needed to change, and that if others are inspired to change, that is great.  But I knew I needed to change, and the year of no spending changed me in three significant ways.  One, I made a commitment, not just a goal or a plan.  Commitments are stronger, and once made, not easily broken.  Two, I am no longer (usually, that is) an impulsive spender.  I am able to walk away from a purchase, knowing that if I decide to buy it later, it will often still be available, and if not, that is ok.  My third change is that I also do not (again, usually) waste money.  An example is choosing to have water with lunch instead of watered down tea that isn’t worth the money it costs.  I know some of you are thinking, “that is small money,” and yes, it is, but small money adds up.

I realized years ago that one reason for my spendaholic behavior is that I have a need for beauty; a need, not a want.  So, when I see beautiful things, and especially if they are at a good price or on sale, my temptation to purchase them is very strong.  Too often those have become impulsive purchases.  Later, I have sometimes, or even often, found that they do not fit where I plan to use them.  I had a great example of this yesterday.

I purchased a beautiful loveseat several years ago for our beach condo.  When doing some redecorating a few months ago, my decorator stated that the loveseat was too big for the space it was occupying.  I saw it through her eyes, and realized that she was right. But since I loved it, I couldn’t get rid of it.  I put it in my storage shed.  Yesterday I decided that I needed to do something with it, but what?  I almost convinced myself to recover it and use it somewhere else.  I called an upholsterer and got a price and fabric yardage needed, and loaded it in the van, planning to transport it from the beach to Raleigh, then to the upholsterer almost an hour away from Raleigh.  Then I came to my senses. I realized that I was going to spend too much money to try to make the loveseat fit somewhere else, and in so doing, I would be having to decide what to do with the item that is currently occupying the space where the loveseat would go!  That would likely result in spending more time and money, and I might not be any happier with the change.  This was spendaholic behavior at its finest.  I decided to make a different decision.  Instead of my plan to reupholster the loveseat, I took the loveseat to a consignment shop. 

Motivational guru Jim Rohn said many years ago that one positive change results in more positive changes.  He used the example of eating an apple instead of something unhealthy, and that in doing so, it becomes easier to get outside and take a walk.  I find that to be the case with the publication of Spendaholic.  The book’s lessons are so much on my mind that I feel like a hypocrite if I waste money.  Recovering that loveseat would have been an example of wasting money.  The loveseat is “sunk” cost, it is money already spent.  But spending more money to try to make it fit somewhere else would be foolish.  While I have done just this many times in the past, I now want to permanently change that behavior. I believe I took a significant step toward that with this loveseat decision.  There are other items in the storage shed that I need to deal with in a similar fashion.

One of my commitments for 2017 is mindfulness.  I want to be more mindful in general, and to be a more mindful spender in particular. To do so, I will need to make different decisions about spending than I have in the past. 

There are only three decisions we can make about money which we already have.  We can spend it, invest it, or keep it.  If we invest it, it can grow; it can also lose its value.  If we spend it, it is gone.  While we may be spending it wisely, the money is still gone.  If we keep it, it doesn’t grow, and inflation may result in the money being worth less, but that is still better than not having it at all. 

Now, I assure you, I am not an expert on money.

But I do know a lot about spendaholism, and how to change that.

Here is the link to the book: Click here

We seem to need a reminder every now and then of the importance of what I refer to as Human Skills.  Human Skills refer to our communication skills and our ability to connect well with others. While these are sometimes called “Soft Skills,” I prefer to call them “Human Skills.”  In our society, when compared to “Hard Skills,” “Soft Skills” are not valued as much.  I just googled “Hard Skills,” and found the following, which proves my point.  “Hard skills are specific, teachable abilities that can be defined and measured, such as typing, writing, math, reading, and the ability to use software programs.  By contrast, soft skills are less tangible and harder to quantify, such as etiquette, getting along with others, listening, and engaging in small talk.”  Do these definitions seem to value one of these types of skills more than the other?  I think so, since something that can be defined and measured is more valued by many in our American society than skills that are less tangible and harder to quantify.  In our macho society, “hard” can also be thought of as aggressive, (in a good way) and “soft” is more often considered weak.  That is one reason for my recommendation that what is usually thought of as “Soft Skills” should be renamed “Human Skills.”  I believe that the most successful people have a combination of both Hard Skills and Human Skills.  Hard Skills are often a requirement in many jobs.  Human Skills should be a requirement in all jobs. 

Just think about it.  Think about the people you know who you are always glad to see, and those who you aren’t.  It is likely that those people who you are glad to see have good Human Skills, and those in the other category do not. Think about the people who are nice, friendly, and listen at least as much as they talk.  These people have human skills that allow them to connect well with others.

Sometimes it is easier to describe the opposite of something than it is to describe what it is.  People who lack sufficient human skills do not speak to others when they enter a room, and do not say goodbye when they exit.  Greeting others and saying something appropriate when leaving a room are important human skills.  People who have a long conversation with one person when there are others around lack human skills.  Someone who does so much talking that others can’t engage in conversation with them lacks human skills.  People who go to networking events to collect business cards and interpret what they are there to do as engaging in small talk lack human skills.  Yes, being able to make small talk (whatever that is!) is considered an important networking skill.  A far better skill is the ability to connect with others, which requires engagement on a different level. 

We have many current examples on TV news channels of people not listening to others, talking over others, and being condescending to others.  And then, there is the too common skirting the issues, blaming others, and even outright lying.  People who engage in these behaviors may have great Hard Skills, but they lack Human Skills that would result in them being trusted.  That makes it so much harder for them to do their jobs, regardless of their Hard Skills.

Etiquette is involved in communication and relating well with others, but it is a broader subject worthy of its own post.

It would behoove us all to brush up on our Human Skills.  And we cannot look to many in the media for how to behave.  Unless we are looking for examples of what NOT to do.

Back to the definition mentioned earlier of Hard Skills and Soft Skills.  I disagree with the premise that Human Skills (referred to above as Soft Skills) are less tangible and harder to quantify.  The fact that they may seem to be is probably because they are not as common.    Will you join me in changing that?