It's In The Sauce!

The Gift of a Weather Interruption

Posted on January 13, 2017 by Patti Fralix

There are times that show us that we are not in control. We had one of those these past few days with a weather inspired staycation. Regardless of what we had planned for Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, many of us were iced in, and all plans that involved driving were put on hold for many people. We knew for days that snow and ice were coming, and that due to the plunging temperatures, it would be with us for a few days. We did not receive as much snow as predicted, but the ice was treacherous. There were some people who did navigate the snow and ice and went about their normal routines due to their jobs requiring such. I am thankful for the nurses, firefighters, and others who leave their families and forge on to their places of work while others of us are granted the gift of an unplanned few days at home. They make it possible for others to get the help and assistance needed by risking their own safety and comfort.

Since we knew in advance that the weather would likely keep many inside for a few days, the grocery stores had the expected run on milk and bread, which were the main items I purchased. With a freezer full of food, there was plenty to cook, although I did not plan what I would cook, nor inventory needed ingredients. The turkey and turkey carcasses from Thanksgiving were just waiting to be made into a soup and pot pie. I found myself getting creative a few times, and enjoyed the results. The pot pie recipe called for leeks and turnips, and I had neither, but I did have spinach and peas, and they provided the color, and for me, a better taste than turnips. The pie crust I wanted to make required lard, which I did not have, so I googled pastry made with butter, and found an easy recipe for that, with a cooking tip I will use in other recipes. The tip is to freeze the butter, then grate it, which made it much easier to cut into the flour than chopped butter. What did we ever do before google?!

I was surprised that I lost two pounds while eating such good food, and attribute that to not eating fast food, as well as being mindful of what I did eat. My New Year’s commitment to lose weight is proceeding well, thankfully. From previous experience, I know that one of the hardest aspects of losing weight is just getting started, and I have started. I am not being aggressive with this weight loss plan, being happy with a one to two-pound loss per week.

When I wasn’t cooking, I was cleaning out closets that sorely needed the attention. Had I not had this weather interruption, the closets would have waited for the attention, for who knows how long. It was therapeutic to be able to spend the time on that task.

Cooking and cleaning were possible and even enjoyable because we did not lose power. We also kept fires burning with the firewood provided by our son-in-law from their large tree downed in the recent weather disruption of Hurricane Matthew.

In addition to being able to slow down and spend time cooking and cleaning due to our weather challenges, there were lessons learned that I hope will stay with me now that our schedules have returned to normal.

The first lesson is to go with the flow. When life interrupts us, if we can just move with it and not fight it, it often provides some needed benefits. The gift of time to cook nurturing and healthy food and to clean out closets provided an opportunity to do needed chores in a leisurely manner. It was indeed a gift.

The second lesson is to be resourceful and creative when you realize that you do not have what you need. This involved substituting similar items for missing ingredients when cooking. I found that olive oil can be substituted for other oil in making Nana Bread (our grandchildren’s name for my friendship bread) and there were no negative results. The bread rose the same and tasted the same.

The third lesson is to find the blessings when things happen that can’t be controlled. Regardless of our plans and planning, life gives us detours and interruptions. This is like going with the flow mentioned previously. Finding the blessings sometimes requires that we dig deep. Our weather interruption was a minor event, so finding the blessings was easy to do. We had very little scheduled that had to be rescheduled. Time to slow down and sit by a warm fire is rare, and being able to do so provided some needed respite from a busy holiday season. Had this weather interruption happened when we had a wedding planned, such as many experienced in the Southeast with Hurricane Matthew in October, I would have had to dig deep to find the blessings in that. But I am sure some did. We are resilient.

Our schedules have now returned to normal. Most of the snow and ice has melted, most people are back at work, and mail delivery has resumed. While cooking for hours and sitting by a warm fire are now memories, I hope the lessons provided by our weather disruption remain front row center in my mind.

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Keeping Our New Year’s Commitments

Posted on January 5, 2017 by Patti Fralix

A New Year, A New Me. Per published research, the three most common areas of New Year’s resolutions are to exercise more, lose weight, and improve overall health and well-being. I was surprised that in a list of twelve resolutions, reducing debt, saving more, or reducing consumption were not mentioned at all, although I was glad to see that spending more time with family and friends was on the list.

Many people have these plans, and some have even begun the process. Others are planning their big focus of personal change to begin the week of January 9^th, some still celebrating New Year’s and not wanting to begin a major change mid-week. Whether your personal change plan begins this week or next is not as important as is having a structured process for your plan.

I have written before about the difference in resolutions, plans, and commitments, stating that commitments are stronger than resolutions or plans, and therefore have a greater potential for success. The words are not just a game of semantics; the distinction is real. However, since many people think in terms of goals, “goals” will be the language used in the remainder of this discussion.

The percentage of people who have written goals has long been recorded, which is 3% of the population, and the percentage hasn’t changed much over the years. The 3% who do have written goals are far more successful financially, and I suspect otherwise, than the other 97%. There is no question that by writing down our commitments, we greatly improve our potential for keeping those commitments. There are many ways to record our commitments, not one right way. I suggest a simple process for doing so.

Many people have three main priority areas, Personal, Family, and Professional. Within these three areas are many areas of focus, such as Health, Spiritual, Financial, Career, Education, Cultural, Physical, and Relationships. There are other areas of focus as well, and even sub groups within each of these areas. While this process can be as specific or as general as desired, the more specific our goals, the easier it is to be clear about them.

One option is to set one overall general goal for 2017 in the three main areas of focus; Personal, Family, and Professional, and then more specific goals in each of those three areas. I will give my three general goals as an example. In the area of Personal, my goal for 2017 is; To Reach and Maintain a Weight of 127 pounds. In the area of Family, my general goal is: To Continue to See our Grandchildren No Less Than Once a Month in 2017. In the area of Professional, my general goal is: To Build My Speaking Business Around It’s in the SAUCE. Now, the only one of these goals that is specific and therefore measurable is the first one, the personal goal. It will be necessary for the sub goals in each of these three areas to be specific and measurable.

For goals to be attainable requires that they have identifiable actions. In the area of my general personal goal that includes: Attending Weekly Weight Watchers Meetings. In the Family area, that includes: Attending the Birthday Celebrations of our Three Grandchildren. In the area of professional, that includes: Marketing SAUCE to Past Clients in the First Quarter of 2017. For each of these, a monthly goal will be set, as well as weekly goals. With this structure, it will be possible to not just establish goals and actions, but also to monitor progress, and revise goals as appropriate.

What has just been discussed is only one possible process for Goals Attainment, which is what’s important. It is one thing to set goals, even specific and measurable ones, it is quite another thing to monitor progress. The most important part of the process, however, is goals attainment. We do not want this to be a writing exercise. We want to achieve our goals.

Enough about me and my goals. What are your 2017 goals? What structure have you chosen to improve the possibility that you will attain your goals?

I could say more about this now, but I would risk eyes glazing over and total loss of interest! On the other hand, I may write more about this in upcoming posts in January, hoping in doing so I will help others keep the focus on this subject that can become tiring. It is too easy for the excitement of New Year’s Resolutions to fade away before the end of January.

Hopefully there is enough information in this post for those who are serious about their commitments to get started.

Do not let this early 2017 focus be a New Year’s fad. Our lives are too important.

Posted in family, life, Relationships | Tagged change, goals, new years resolutions | Leave a comment

A New Year Awaits

Posted on December 30, 2016 by Patti Fralix

It happens every year. Another year dawns, and another year passes. At the beginning of a new year many people take stock of what they accomplished, or failed to accomplish, in the year that just passed. They also make what are usually called New Year’s resolutions, often pledging to themselves to improve in some area. With only two days left before 2017 begins, I am focusing on what I call commitments instead of resolutions. Some may think this is just wordsmithing, but to me there is a major difference in resolutions and commitments. The words themselves ring differently to me. A resolution is like a fad, such as the fad of purchasing gym memberships, going to the gym a few times, then quitting. A commitment is more like a promise to oneself, which I find is much harder to break. I am making one large commitment, one promise, to myself for 2017. Before discussing my 2017 commitment, I want to reflect on 2016.

2016 was an ok year for me, on both a personal and professional level. There were some gains, as well as some losses. I regained much of the weight I lost a few years ago. I am unhappy about that, and plan to correct that problem very soon. I have made that promise to myself. I had some great experiences, including being named one of Triangle Business Journal’s 2016 Women in Business honorees, in the Inspiration category. I finally finished my book that has been in process for ten years, and it is in publication now, and will be released in January.

In 2016 I had some wonderful times with family and friends. I was able to keep my almost twelve-year commitment to see our grandchildren no less than once a month, although they live several states away. I have not missed a month since our first granddaughter, Mary Grace, was born almost twelve years ago. My husband and I spent some relaxing time together, including some wonderful travel. I celebrated a friend’s birthday with her on a great trip to NYC. Helping host a baby shower for a friend’s first grandchild gave me a special time with her and other friends who, because of the distance between us, I see too rarely. I finally recovered from an almost two-year bout with Bursitis in both hips, even despite my weight gain. (I certainly hope my hips don’t need this extra weight!) Also, I had another “gain” in 2016, when I became Medicare eligible!

2016 was also a time of loss. I lost a dear friend to cancer, and her death was totally unexpected. She lived in England and I had not seen her for several months. Her illness and death came quickly. The fact that she is gone is still a shock. This loss, as well as the loss of loved ones by others I know, one whose grandson was only in his 20’s, is the reason for my 2017 commitment. The news this week has been consumed by the death of several celebrities, including Carrie Fisher who was only 60 from a heart condition, and her mother, Debbie Reynolds, who died only one day later. This life should not be taken for granted, for death can claim us at any time. Such is the reason for my 2017 commitment.

In 2017 I will live each day mindfully, aware that decisions and choices I make can be life altering, for the good, or not. I am aware that every day I am living my legacy. While my personal life and especially relationships will continue to be a priority, my professional work will be more of a priority than it has been in 2016. Although I am 65, I hope to have ten good work years left. By 75, I will probably be ready to close out the professional part of life, but not until then, assuming I remain healthy. Retirement is not my goal for the next few years, meaningful work is. In 2017 these words will be combined with actionable results. I do believe the words of the person who said, “If work isn’t more fun than work, you’re doing it wrong!”

Mindful living allows us to live and leave a legacy of significance. While it is certainly possible to live a life of significance on a personal level, I want my legacy to also be one of professional significance. While some might say I have done that, I know that my professional work isn’t finished yet.

Welcome to a brand-new year of opportunity. May your 2017 commitments be those that will position you for all that you want your life to be. This life is too precious to be taken for granted. We owe it to ourselves to be our best selves. We also owe it to others, including those who are no longer with us.

Posted in life, Relationships | Tagged Carrie Fisher, new years | Leave a comment

The Spirit of the Season

Posted on December 20, 2016 by Patti Fralix

One of the most wonderful aspects of the Holiday season that comes at this time of the year is the common practice of being nicer than one may be at other times. This year, however, I sense a difference. It may be a holdover from our recent very contentious U.S. Presidential election, and if so, hopefully the problems will be abated soon. I am afraid, however, that the behavior could be representative of a decline in our overall civility that is more lasting. Regardless, it is palpable. The most graphic example was just on the news about a 3-year-old child who was riding in his grandmother’s car. They were going shopping. Per the report a man in the car behind them was angry because the woman was driving too slowly and fired a shot into the car, killing the child. How so very tragic. What type of people and society have we become when the drive to get to our destination fast causes someone to express anger that results in the loss of another life?

Lately I have noticed more reckless driving and rude drivers than I have ever experienced. Many people are in a hurry to get to where they are going, and they are intolerant of others who are in their way. There is a complicating factor in this. While I do not understand why, there always seems to be more construction and lane closures at the holiday time than at other times. Also, many people are stressed by the holidays, not allowing enough time to get to their destination, so when they are slowed down by traffic interruptions, they become angry. The anger is expressed in numerous ways. Then there is the personality type who just thinks their needs should take priority, and travel in the lane running out until the very end, then merge into the remaining lane ahead of those who have driven respectfully.

There are some obvious solutions to this. While these solutions will not solve all problems, including the extreme one noted above, many of us will be able to behave appropriately if we make a few changes. It is certainly worth a try.

#1. Allow more time when traveling, and expect delays. Even if you think you do not have any more time, recognize that at times like the holidays with more people on the roads more often, travelling anywhere will take more time. You can allow for it, and be in control of yourself, or you can push yourself to the limit, suffer delays, and get angry and anxious because of it. And still often arrive late because you did not allow enough time. Give yourself a fifteen to thirty-minute head start, and feel the difference. Things just take longer at this time of the year. Accept that, do not fight it. Work with it.

#2. Be more patient and nicer. This will be much easier if you have done #1. Recognize that many people are stressed, with less time and money than they need, or think they need. Be the person who is in control of yourself, so you can be the one who does not react in kind to the stress of others. Being nicer includes to smile more. When you do, you will feel the difference, and others will as well.

#3. Give more. This can obviously include giving more financially, to the Salvation Army buckets located everywhere you go, to the homeless person on the street corner, or to your charity of choice. Our giving does not have to be giving money, however. One of the greatest gifts we can give is the gift of time and assistance. Offer your assistance wherever and whenever you can. This can include offering to keep a friend’s children so she can do what she needs to get done. It can be holding doors for others, or helping others carry their packages. I will always remember Sharon, a woman I did not know, who insisted on pushing my overloaded grocery cart at Costco to my car. I was shopping for 60 people who were coming for Thanksgiving last year. She could see that I was exhausted, and reached out to help. She had done #1 above or she would not have had the time to help me, even if she had wanted to. I looked for Sharon at Costco while shopping for Thanksgiving this year, but did not find her! Thankfully I had done #1 above this year, and allowed more time to do what needed to be done, so I was ok without Sharon’s help. But I will always remember her kindness.

As I think of the three solutions noted, it occurs to me that they are listed in the necessary order. If we don’t allow ourselves more time to do what we need to do, it is more difficult to be patient with others, and nicer. When we are pushed for time, it is not easy to help others, or give of our time to them.

The man who killed the three-year-old child is (hopefully, at least) an extreme example of behavior that can be exasperated by the additional stress of the holidays. I am in no way thinking the solutions proposed above would have avoided such a tragic event. While being out of time and other stressors can make many of us less patient and nice than we are at other times, most people would certainly not use a gun in those situations. Certainly, our civility has not fallen to that level.

While I still struggle with the negative behavior and language expressed at others by some people during our recent Presidential election, I do believe most people are good people, and show respect for others in most situations at most times. Even when, and maybe especially when, we disagree. So, let’s be sure that we do that. Let’s be sure to model respectful behavior to others. Doing so can create a positive tidal wave that will carry us all together into a better future.

May all your holidays be merry and bright. And God bless us everyone. And especially the family of the three-year-old child who is now singing with the angels.

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Memories on our Tree

Posted on December 15, 2016 by Patti Fralix

Last week I posted about my dilemma regarding whether to put up a Christmas tree this year, mainly because we will not be home much during the holiday season, including Christmas morning. I probably left my readers with the expectation that I was closer to NOT putting up a tree than putting one up. That is because of my mindset at the time. For the first time, ever, I could envision not having a Christmas tree, and I felt ok about it.

I was so torn, going back and forth in my mind and about the decision, and it was divided. Until I got home from our trip to NYC. I tried to talk myself out of the tree, but I couldn’t. It just did not feel right to not have a tree. And when a neighbor told me that she is Swiss, and trees are put up on Christmas Eve in Switzerland, I felt ok to put up a tree less than two weeks from Christmas Day. I needed something to push me in one direction or the other, and that was it!

The tree that you see in this photo is our smallest tree ever. I did not plan for it to be, but it is. It was the largest of the two trees of this size left on the lot. I knew it was small, and I considered going to another tree lot for a larger tree, but I convinced myself that it was ok if it was small, for I wasn’t even sure I would have one at all! Until I got it home and set it up in its location, and it looked even smaller. I was disappointed, and did not even want to decorate it, but I did. Mike was out of town, so our friend Maureen put the lights on, all the while calling it a Charlie Brown tree! That did not help at all.

Then I began to decorate the tree, and my mood about it changed. I immediately realized it isn’t about the tree at all, but the memories, best represented by the ornaments.

Each year, all 34 of them that we have been together, Mike has designed and purchased a family ornament. Each year’s ornament has the year, the # of years this family has been together, and the names of all of those who are with us on Christmas morning. Each ornament is a history lesson. If you look closely at this year’s tree, you can see the 2015 ornament, with Dr. Danks (Mike), Nana (Patti), Uncle Barry, MoMo, Stephen, Tara Leigh, Ms. Grace, (Mary Grace), Middle Mac, (Elsie), Little Miss Chatham (Virginia), Miss Chatham, and Johnathan. The only qualification to be on the ornament is that you are at the house on Christmas morning, which usually means you sleep at the house on Christmas Eve. Some years, such as this year, “home” is at Tara and Stephen’s in Georgia, and the ornament identifies that. There is also the ornament from the year “home” was Bay Meadow Court in Northridge in Raleigh, where we lived for seven months while our house was being repaired from water damage. Then there are the ornaments when my mother was with us, as well as when Dad and Rosie were with us. The history lesson is that the names on the ornaments remind us of the circumstances surrounding some of our family being with us for Christmas those years.

With this year’s tree being so small, it was not possible to put all of our ornaments on the tree. Choices had to be made. All of the family ornaments made the “cut”, as well as the White House Christmas ornaments Mike has ordered each year. There are also ornaments made by or collected by our children when they were younger. All of these ornaments are precious to us.

My friend Anna who passed away recently at 59 years of age had given me Christmas tree ornaments from the UK where she lived the last few years. They are on this year’s tree, and likely will grace all trees hence forth.

So, the Christmas tree is not just a tree. It is a repository of memories collected through the years. It reflects our traditions. It is our history.

When I am no longer able to put up a Christmas tree, I won’t. But I will not make that decision because I am too busy, or too tired. When age takes over and the sheer effort is too much, it will be ok to enjoy the Christmas season without the tree. But not until then.

Until then, I will continue to decorate the Christmas tree and enjoy the memories the ornaments stimulate. I will go back in time and relive those precious moments. I will lose myself in the memories, and marvel at how fast time has passed.

I look at our tree, and do not see it is small. I only see what it represents as our history. And that is more than enough to make the effort worthwhile.

Posted in family | Tagged Christmas, Christmas tree, memories | 1 Comment

The Presence of Joy

Posted on December 8, 2016 by Patti Fralix

This is the season for excess in many things. Excess spending. Excess social events. Excess decorating. Excess food. Excess stress. How to deal with all of this and maintain the spirit of the season is the question. I am writing this while in New York City, the mecca of excess. I am trying to reconcile the dichotomy between a city that is over the top in many of these areas with the peace that I need to stay centered. That is a challenge.

I love Manhattan. I love to walk the streets, window shop, and yes, shop. This is one of the best times of the year to be in the city. The Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center is spectacular, and standing in its presence is awe inspiring. The window displays on and in many of the shops are so beautiful people are spell bound, slowing down to stop and watch before hurrying on their way. All of this, however, reinforces some of the distress I feel about having done nothing yet to prepare our home for the season.

When I return home from this trip there is much to be done to put Thanksgiving away before readying for Christmas. With only two weeks to go before leaving Raleigh to be in Georgia with our children and grandchildren for Christmas, I am torn about whether to do anything decorating wise for Christmas. It seems foolish to take the time, and yes, to spend the money, to decorate for a season that is almost gone. And we will even be out of town a few days of those two weeks!

It is clear to Mike that this should be the year, which will be the first year, that we do not put up a Christmas tree. I am not so sure that I can (not) do this. I remember being surprised to hear from some people in previous years that they made this same decision. It always seemed strange to me that some people, (who actually were usually older people,) would make this decision. Is it that I am now 65 that I now I understand it?

Maybe it is about age, not just busyness. Maybe it has something to do with not being home on Christmas morning. It may also have something to do with us not entertaining this Christmas season, while there have been years that we have had several parties. When there were others in our home to share the season’s beauty, going to all of the effort and expense to decorate for events that would only last a couple of weeks made more sense. But even if it doesn’t make sense to do so this year, I am still struggling with the decision.

I think it has something to do with my childhood. I do not remember many Christmases as a child that included happy times in a home decorated for Christmas. The loss that I feel from those years has nothing to do with presents, but presence. The presence that was lacking was joy, the joy of people sharing the blessings of the season, surrounded by beauty, celebrating the the true meaning of the season. While I know intellectually that the joy of the season does not require a Christmas tree or any decorating at all, I am having difficulty reconciling this emotionally.

I am not there yet. I am not yet ready to forgo the Christmas tree this year. But I am closer than I have been.

Posted in life | Tagged Christmas, new york city, Rockefeller Center tree | 2 Comments

So Blessed To Be Getting Older!

Posted on November 29, 2016 by Patti Fralix

I am 65 years old today. I am amazed that the years have passed so quickly, and that I am at this place. But I am also grateful to be this age, for some that I knew and loved did not make it to this age.

My mother, Dotti, and her mother, my precious Grandma Grace, both died at 64 years of age. So as you can imagine, I have been looking forward to this birthday. Some of you know what I mean.

A good friend of mine, Anna Rosser Upchurch, passed away a few days ago at 59 years of age. Much too young. I will miss Anna immensely, and grieve that she left this earth and me much too soon.

A friend who was more more family than friend, Bryan Townsend, passed away four years ago at 64 years of age. He was a friend for 45 years, and took care of me and my young daughter Tara, when Tara’s father and I divorced. Bryan said at one point that he needed to claim us on his tax deduction, for he had fed us and cared for us for so long! We are all still shocked by his death. A better man than Bryan Townsend I have not known, although my Mike is right up there with him.

There are others who have passed on as well, and who are so missed. My Aunt Evelyn, Bebo, my mother’s sister, who with her husband, Uncle Barry, raised me during some very formative years. We are now “raising” Uncle Barry! And their son, Barry Junior, who was raised with me as a brother, died at 50 years of age. I will miss him forever.

Age is no respecter of persons. We never know when our ticket is punched, and it is our turn to go to the great beyond. Until then, however, we have an obligation and an opportunity to be our best and do our best on this earth. For however long it lasts for us, this life is short.

This is a short post. I need to go out and celebrate this life and birthday of mine!

If you are reading this, know that I love you!

Happy 65^th Birthday to me!

Posted in life | Tagged age, aging, birthday | Leave a comment

Blessed Beyond Compare

Posted on November 23, 2016 by Patti Fralix

The Thanksgiving holiday affords us the opportunity to take stock of our blessings. We should not need a holiday to remind us of how fortunate many of us are. But this holiday does seem to slow us down between the cleaning and the cooking enough to make us mindful of all that we should be thankful for. As many of us gather around tables so laden with food that we can’t consume it all, we would be wise to remember those less fortunate.

It has been said that most people need only three things to be happy; health, close relationships, and enough prosperity to do and have what is important to us. Now, the operative word in that last sentence is “need,” which is different than “want.” Too often we fail to keep our needs in clear focus, and chase the wants that will never truly satisfy us. Perhaps for today, Thanksgiving Day 2016, we can focus on our blessings.

As our family and friends gather around our Thanksgiving tables this season, we are missing one of our most cherished family members, who stayed home to care for his father who is ill. That is putting family first, and while we will miss him being with us, we know his priority is in the right place. When family is truly our priority, we make those decisions. This is an example of both health and the close relationship of family.

I am thinking of some who recently lost a family member, some from the natural passing of life, and how this Thanksgiving will surely be different for them. I am also thinking of the recent tragedy of the school bus accident in Tennessee which involved the loss of life of several children. I cannot imagine the insufferable grief of the families of those children. Words are insufficient. I can only pray for peace and comfort for the families of those children.

As our family consumes more food than any of us need over the next several days, I can’t help but remember that some people in this affluent nation of ours do not have enough food. There is no excuse for that in our prosperous country, but for whatever political and other reasons, we collectively continue to accept that. I do not have an answer for that, other than I know that I do not individually do enough to help with that problem. I should not worry as much about what we as a country do or do not do to alleviate this disgrace; I should do more myself. Just writing about it isn’t enough.

Considering prosperity, having enough financial resources to have and do what is important to us, it should be unacceptable to us that there are many people who are suffering from the cold because they can’t afford what it costs to stay warm. I am up very early this am, and am a little chilly sitting writing this blog. But I can turn up my heat, and I have blankets that can keep me warm. There are many people who do not have heat or enough blankets to stay warm.

This Thanksgiving holiday many of us will throw out food because we have so much that we can’t eat it all, while some will not have enough to eat. Many of us will gather around fireplaces and stay warm, while some people will not get warm at all.

Many of us will play and enjoy our children and grandchildren, while some will no longer see their children, grandchildren, or other loved ones, again.

Those of us who can, let’s count our blessings. And not just that. Let’s do something for some of those less fortunate. Something. Anything. To show our humanity.

Hold your loved ones tight, and grieve and pray for those who can’t.

Posted in family, Relationships | Tagged blessings, family, Thanksgiving | Leave a comment

Thankful

Posted on November 17, 2016 by Patti Fralix

Thanksgiving comes early this year. Are you ready? Whether you are hosting Thanksgiving in your home, or “over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go” is your mantra, you need to be ready. Thanksgiving is a special holiday. It is a time of great food, family memories, and sometimes, conflict. It is my favorite holiday of the year, for those reasons, and more.

Our family has gathered in Raleigh for most of the last thirty-two years, all 40-60 of us! Our family travels from Maryland to Florida, most arriving in Raleigh by Tuesday before turkey day (and a few before!) and the last ones leaving the weekend after. We cook together, play together, and yes, have an occasional conflict together. After all, we are family, and all that relates to family is not fun and games. But thankfully, most is. The occasional conflict is more than worth it!

The adult children proclaim that we do this for the children and grandchildren, and that is true, but not totally true. We do it for us also. We are carrying on the tradition of making the effort to be together, hoping that our children and grandchildren will carry on the tradition when we no longer can. While we know we can’t control what they do when we are gone, we are modeling what we hope they will continue. We hope they will skip the conflict part, but we know when family comes together, there can be conflict. And, it is more than worth it!

As an only child of divorced parents, I do not remember any family holiday celebrations. I do not have any memories of Thanksgiving at all. Probably for that reason, this family coming together for Thanksgiving is even more meaningful. While I have certainly been a part of making this holiday time together work, if others did not care enough to come, there would be no celebration together. So, I am more than grateful for our family who cares enough to come together.

How about you, and your celebrations? It is not about the number of people at your table, or the magnitude of your celebration. It is more about the meaning you and yours gives to this holiday.

Are you thankful? Are you thankful for the gift of life? Do you appreciate your health, your good fortune, and your other blessings? Are you thankful for whatever is your lot in life, knowing that it is all a part of a master plan, and that you are only a part in it?

I am thankful; for family, for other loved ones, and for the gift of life. I am thankful for Thanksgiving.

And dear reader, I am thankful for you. May your Thanksgiving holiday be joyful, peaceful, and filled with all of the love you can give. And in giving, may blessings come back to you ten fold.

Posted in family, Relationships | Tagged gratitude, thankful, Thanksgiving | Leave a comment

The SAUCE of Change

Posted on November 10, 2016 by Patti Fralix

Eric Hoffer, a moral philosopher, said it best: “In a time of drastic change, it is the learner who will inherit the future; the learned will find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists.” I do not need to ask you if we are living in a time of great change. While change has long been a subject of my work, for I have been speaking and consulting on change for twenty-five years, the accelerated pace of change today is unlike anything we have ever experienced. And it is predicted to continue. We all experience change, and while some of us think we thrive on change, and some do more than others, the reality is that most of us are ok with change that we think we can control. Think of an example, those of you who go to church. If church is not a good example for you, think of another location, anywhere that you go often. Let’s think of the church sanctuary. You go in, prepared to sit in YOUR seat, and it is taken by someone else! Now, YOUR seat does not have your name on it, but it is where you usually sit and prefer to sit. And when you are required to sit somewhere else, you feel, at least momentarily, unsettled. You are being required to change a habit. And habits die hard. I found that out at the gut level the year that I stopped spending anything on myself or my house for one full year. I journalled the journey that year, and the book from that experience, A Year in the Life of a Recovering Spendaholic, is in publication and will be released mid January 2017.

It is so much easier to talk about change that is outside of us, or the changes that we experience that we think we cannot control, than it is focus on change within ourselves. Now, perhaps like some of you, I have had a divorce. I still feel sad about that. I married the first time at 19 to be married forever. Now, what do we know about marriage at 19? NOTHING! Regardless of my young age, it still could have worked out, but it didn’t. We divorced after almost ten years of marriage. While a divorce was not in my plan for my life when I married, it happened anyway. It was a change that I could adapt to, or let derail me. As I think of that time in my life, my best memory is having the gift of my daughter, Tara, from that marriage. While the changes I experienced by a divorce were devastating at the time, I was able to move on, and built a new life for me and Tara. A few years later I met and married Mike, and we have been married for thirty-two years. That was a wonderful change, for which I am grateful.

We are talking not just about change, but also about relationships. And you do not need to be told that the only one we can change is ourselves. We know that, but why do we spend so much time trying to change others? Some of us even try to change our adult children, by telling them what to do! It does not work!

Motivational speaker Jim Rhone once said, “Work hard at your job and you can make a living. Work hard on yourself and you can make a fortune.”

The greatest change we can make is changing ourselves. We need to understand ourselves and the probability of our behavior, and understand our most significant others and how to utilize our strengths, and theirs, to build and maintain good relationships and results. This is about personality, some of which is hard wired, or genetic behavior, which does not change, and some of which is learned behavior, which can change, although it isn’t easy. Behavior change is the hardest change to make.

About 20 years ago I was hired by Kinko’s to do management development with their store managers and sales managers at different locations in the southeast. While I do believe most of us can change, given the right information and support, I know that since behavior change is the hardest change to make, sometimes it won’t happen in the time necessary. I knew what changes the managers needed to make and I could guess who would be able to make those changes. But, I wanted data, data I could determine quickly, to validate my assumptions. I sat down one day in a branch location in Florida and developed the It’s in the SAUCE 20 question questionnaire. I have used this since, on audiences all over the U.S., not to analyze personality, but to help individuals and teams understand themselves and others and work better together.

I have been amazed. I have found that of all the content areas you can provide them, people care more about knowing themselves better than anything else we can give them. This has been true for a variety of audiences, including 300 International Scientists from a pharmaceutical company on the subject of Leadership and state associations on a variety of topics.

A few examples. Some of you are always in a hurry, but usually late! You know who you are! You have a drive for action. Some of you do not appreciate being singled out in a group, even for a compliment! And you know who you are; you are group minded, and worry about the feelings of others. Some of you are “Know it all Bureaucrats,” who want things done your way, and a certain way! Then there are some of you who are the “My Way or the Highway people,” wanting what you want, yesterday! Regardless of where you find yourself in these examples, to live and work well with others requires that we understand and value those others who may be the opposite of who we are.

To get gourmet results, the best results, in a fast food world, the world within which we are living, requires change, including changing ourselves. It requires that we understand ourselves and manage our own behavior well, and work with others collaboratively to get results.

And speaking of change on a different level, after a very contentious time in our political history, we now have a new President. I hope that we will all do our best to put the political past behind us, and move forward together, changing for the better.

Posted in life | Tagged change, life changes | 1 Comment