It's In The Sauce!

Ambiguity

Posted on October 13, 2016 by Patti Fralix

Last week’s Hurricane Matthew that ravaged Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, and North Carolina after devastating Haiti, the Dominican Republic, and Cuba was a good lesson in dealing with ambiguity. Many people in the southern U.S. had time to prepare and had much of the necessary resources. (There were still some devastating effects in some areas, from which people and communities are still trying to recover.) Still, where the hurricane would actually hit, when it would hit, and how long it would last could not be known, regardless of the Weather Channel. As our schedules were disrupted for several days, I thought a lot about the importance of having a high tolerance for ambiguity.

Ambiguity, the unknown, is harder for some personalities that others. While I am one who has more difficulty with the unknown, my husband sees these disruptions as adventures. He never complains about things outside of his control, while I can rant and rave, not about natural disasters, but other disruptions. I was reminded this week how counterproductive my behavior in this regard can be, and how nice it is instead to “go with the flow.” After all, if we can’t change a situation, what good does it do to work ourselves into a knot over it?!

Hurricanes aside, what is the importance of having a high tolerance for ambiguity? There are several important points that can be made about this.

First of all, with the rapid pace of change and the many unknowns that we all can experience, we create unnecessary and unhealthy stress when we fail to accept everyday annoyances and challenges. This is especially true when solutions to those annoyances and challenges involve other people, and those others do not do what we think they should. If there is anything we can’t control, it is the behavior of others. And unless you live as a hermit in the woods totally self sufficient, you have to work with others to get things done. How to get what we need from others without micromanaging or nattering is important enough to have its own focus in a future blog!

I am reminded of a wonderful book, Thinking in the Future Tense by anthropologist, Dr. Jennifer James, that I read years ago. In this work the focus of Dr. James is Change, and she writes about the importance of Perspective Skills. She identifies several necessary behaviors that are involved in Perspective Skills. Included in this list is a High Tolerance for Ambiguity, Attention to the Repressed, and Insulating One’s Hot Buttons.

If we don’t understand the emotional areas in our history, and what we repress, we are not able to move past those. We all know some people who never get past their past. I remember connecting to one of my areas that had been repressed, which is rejection. Once I understood how powerful this is for me, I know how to better manage it. One thing I have learned to do is to avoid people who behave with me in a manner that feels like I am being rejected. While this is not always possible in the workplace, nor even necessary, it is possible in my personal life. I am not saying that I can’t handle criticism; we all have to do that. But if the criticism feels personal, that hooks me, if I am not careful. Sometimes I get hooked, and when that happens, I have not Insulated my hot buttons.

We all have hot buttons, those things that can create fury in us, causing us to react instead of respond. Our hot buttons come from our areas of repression.

Keeping Perspective, which involves having a High Tolerance for Ambiguity, Paying Attention to the Repressed, and Insulating our Hot Buttons helps us not just deal with Change, but also makes us more fun to be around. Like my husband Mike!

Posted in life | Tagged ambiguity, Hurricane Matthew | Leave a comment

Out Of Our Control

Posted on October 6, 2016 by Patti Fralix

This week has been a difficult one for many along the eastern part of the United States, as well as in the Caribbean, due to Hurricane Matthew. As I write this, Hurricane Matthew has passed through Haiti and Cuba, and is now pounding the Bahamas, resulting in deaths and devastation. Florida, Georgia, and the Carolinas are preparing for their visits from Matthew. My husband and I are on a plane flying from Ft. Lauderdale to Raleigh, two days earlier than we had planned to, due to the meeting we were in Ft. Lauderdale for being cancelled due to the impending dangerous weather. Our oldest daughter and her family have left their home in coastal Georgia to travel to Jefferson, Ga. to get away from the storm. It is unknown exactly where the hurricane will travel after it leaves Florida, but many are not taking any chances. The Governor of South Carolina has already instituted a mandatory evacuation for many areas of South Carolina. Mike and I feel safe to go home to Raleigh, knowing we have a few days in which to leave again if Matthew comes closer to us than now expected. While we are experiencing a travel disruption, the disruption many are experiencing is much worse.

There is no comparison to what Haiti, one of the poorest countries in the world, has (again) experienced. Nothing can compare to the loss of life. Although property damage can be disastrous to an area as poor as Haiti, with time and assistance, Haiti can recover from that. There is no recovery from losing loved ones. The other examples of disruption I will mention are at an entirely different level. They are, however, difficult if you are the one experiencing them.

Our two beach properties are rented this week to family of a wedding party scheduled for this Saturday on Oak Island, NC. The two large houses that were to host the bride and groom and where the wedding was to be held in three days have just today cancelled the rentals, requiring that they find other accommodations, which was almost impossible to do. Those who have responsibility for such decisions in the area are trying to decide if an evacuation is required, and when it will go into effect. The wedding has now been rescheduled to be held two days earlier than planned, hoping to avoid any mandatory evacuations or any weather problems from Hurricane Matthew. What a disruption to months of planning!

Since October is a popular month for weddings in the south, I am sure that there were many other weddings scheduled in the resort areas of South Carolina that have now been cancelled due to the mandatory evacuation in that state. I am reminded of a favorite saying of a good friend of mine; “You can’t control the weather!” While we all know this is true, at times like this, it is a pill that is difficult to swallow. Especially since there is such an unknown at this point. It is quite possible that in the next 24 hours Hurricane Matthew will change course and all of these preparations will be found unnecessary. Some people making the decisions are not waiting any or much longer to determine the best course of action to protect property and possibly people’s lives as well.

Weddings are not the only disruptions due to this weather event. Many businesses will be directly adversely impacted due to closures. Even if businesses remain open during this time, shopping for non essentials is not how most people will spend their time. On the other hand, for those in the grocery business, this is a very busy and financially lucrative time, especially for those selling bread milk, water, and generators!

There are lessons to be found in any situation. What are some of the lessons staring us in the face in this situation?

First, and perhaps most importantly, as much as we like to think we can control our circumstances, there are some things outside of our control, and weather is certainly one of them. If we plan a wedding for any time from June 1-November 1 in certain parts of the word, namely the Caribbean and the Southeastern U.S, it can be disrupted by a hurricane, especially if it is a beach wedding. And, most weddings are held in those exact months! It is possible that the best month in which to marry is April, which is (coincidently) the month of Mike and my wedding in 1984. I can assure you that hurricanes were not even in our mind when we decided to marry in April! However, hurricanes aside, there are other disruptions that can be just as problematic to weddings as hurricanes. The lesson is, plan well, then let it go. We can’t control the weather. We can have contingency plans, and should. But some things remain outside of our control, and one of them is the actions of others.

We can’t control the decisions others have the authority to make. Even if it is found that S. C. Governor Haley’s mandatory evacuation was premature, it was her decision to make. The same is true for the owners of the Oak Island rental houses who cancelled the rentals for the wedding party scheduled there. Even if their decisions directly and negatively impact us and many others, and even if their decisions prove to be bad ones, if those decisions are within their authority to make, they are in control, and we are not.

Hurricanes and weddings aside, what situations are outside of your control, and what are the lessons found here that can help you deal better with those?

While you are pondering, say a prayer for those mentioned here.

Posted in life | Tagged Hurricane, Hurricane Matthew, Oak Island North Carolina, stress, weather | Leave a comment

The Beauty of Change

Posted on September 29, 2016 by Patti Fralix

Fall has finally come, although in the South with temperatures still in the 80’s, it doesn’t feel like Fall. Regardless, it is. Fall is being talked about as the second new year. This time in the year we seem to reset, and begin anew. Children in traditional school year schedules are back in school. Vacations are over. Work again takes more of a priority than family and play, which seem to get more attention in the summer. September is our transition month, that time between summer and holidays. Once October arrives, there is Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kipper, Halloween, then Thanksgiving, followed soon by Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanza. Please forgive me if I have left any holidays out!

With Fall also comes changing of the days and nights. Days are shorter, and daylight comes later. Change is occurring on many fronts. I was reminded of these changes in Church recently.

Our church, where we have attended since 1988, has just begun the physical changes of a major renovation. As such, we have moved out of our main sanctuary for at least 18 months. Our Sunday church services are now being held in our recreation center, a space we will be sharing during this time with the Rec Center activities.

Mike and I were at church the first Sunday of this change, which occurred several weeks ago. Sitting in the temporary sanctuary, I was struck by how different it felt. There had been many people planning these moves for months, and all went well, to the observer’s eyes, at least. The Pastor had his podium, the choir had their space up front, and the congregation had ample space in which to worship. So, no necessary functions were without space, although all had been displaced. But it felt different, all the same. It WAS different. I was reminded of how one feels when you come into church to claim “your” seats, and someone else is sitting in them! No, those seats did not have your name on them, but they were where you usually sat. To sit in a different area created an internal angst. And as I sat there pondering my feelings of these changes and differences, several thoughts came to mind.

I thought of this church where we have worshipped for 28 years. This was our church when our two daughters were in middle school, youth group, and high school. Their youth director, Jeff Roberts, is now our senior pastor, and has been for many years. (Dr. Roberts left our church many years ago to pastor elsewhere, and was called back years later to be our senior pastor by our congregation.) I also remembered Dr. Bill Furr, our senior pastor when we came to the church, who could call most parishioners by name, all 1000+ of us! He was truly amazing, as is Dr. Roberts.

I remembered our daughter Tara’s wedding in this church 14 years ago, and thought how sad that the physical layout of the sanctuary in which she was married is changing. Then I remembered that this is a good thing, for the “old” sanctuary had two main aisles, so brides could not go down a center aisle and be viewed from both sides equally. While this may not seem like a major problem, it has created some challenges for weddings.

As I looked around at our temporary sanctuary that Sunday, I saw some things that felt better. The space between the front and the congregation was much closer, creating a feeling of connection not possible in a huge sanctuary. The entire space was smaller, and felt more intimate.

My mind also wandered to the experiences of friends of ours who are like family, and the changes they have experienced these past few years. After being in the same church for more than 50 years, they have now, with others, started two other churches. These changes were a result of division in their original church and the one that was started after leaving that church. With grace and dignity I don’t know that I could exhibit, they continue to worship in the same manner they always have, regardless of the changes in physical structures and the congregations. Their witness reminds me of the sign on a church building in Alabama, which reads: “This is the building where the First Baptist Church comes to worship.” Yes, the building is not the church. The church is the people.

Change, whether it is in physical structures or otherwise, is usually unsettling. We are creatures of habit, and when our physical space is disrupted, we feel disrupted. And it is true that all change isn’t good. But what is also true is that there is usually good that comes from any change, even change that we do not want, and may even resist.

So, think of some changes that you are facing, or need to face. Expect that those changes may be disruptive. Consider the cost/benefit analysis (and not necessarily financial, but otherwise) of the changes you need to make, and decide if you are willing to make those changes. Recognize that with all gain comes some loss, and that loss usually involves some gain. Also recognize that staying still is not an option. We are moving forward, or getting behind.

Think of the beauty of Fall, and that the beauty only comes through change. What beauty awaits you? To experience the beauty, don’t allow yourself to wait too long to make whatever changes you need to make.

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When an Apology is NOT an Apology

Posted on September 22, 2016 by Patti Fralix

There is much in the media in recent days about an apology that really is not an apology. The specifics of the “apology” is not my focus in this article. My intent is to differentiate when an apology is not really an apology, and give some pointers on how to give a sincere apology. Let’s forget how others do, or do not, apologize, and determine what we individually need to do about this.

First of all, it is important to know when one should apologize. An apology should be given when one is clearly wrong; when we have said something to someone else, or about someone else, that isn’t true. This includes when one truly believed what turns out to be untrue; intent does not really matter.

An apology should be given when one has hurt someone else, regardless of the intent. This hurt can be due to an overt action, such as saying something hurtful, or a covert action, which can include not doing something one should have done. In either case, when our action, or inaction, caused pain to someone else, we should apologize. This is true even if we think, or they say, that what we did wasn’t hurtful. When we are wrong, we should apologize.

Relationships are more important than beliefs, political or otherwise. While we all have the right to our own opinions, when how such is discussed hurts others, an apology is appropriate. When we get into heated discussions with others about issues that are very close to our hearts, we usually personalize what we say in how we say it. This can result in unnecessary conflict. When such occurs, it is best to apologize.

So, how do we apologize? An example. “I apologize for making those comments,” being specific about the comments. Not, “I apologize that YOU THOUGHT what I said was hurtful.” The first example is apologizing for our actions. The second example is apologizing for someone else’s feelings. Hopefully, the distinction is clear. Also, when apologizing, if you insert the word, “if” in your “apology,” you are not really apologizing at all; you are making a qualified apology, which really isn’t an apology. For instance, if you say, “I apologize IF what I said hurt your feelings,” you are placing the emphasis on the other person’s feelings, not your actions, and you are giving yourself an “out.” Put yourself in the other person’s place, and feel the difference in those two statements.

When apologizing, be careful that you do not justify your actions in any way, for that will in part negate the apology. If you say, “I apologize for what I said, but I am just direct; that is just the way I am!” Does that sound sincere? Probably not, because it isn’t; it is excusing our own behavior, and the “apology” sounds and feels hollow. We should apologize for what we did, and not justify it in any way.

Hopefully we know when we need to apologize, and do not need others to tell us. But if we do hear from someone else who we trust that we were wrong and an apology is in order, it is best to apologize, and to do so quickly. As in the case of thank you notes, the sooner the better.

It is best to say, “I apologize,” instead of “I am sorry.” I heard this distinction made years ago. Although initially the difference in these two may not sound significant, there is a difference. The words, “I am sorry,” are more emotional than action oriented, focusing on the feelings of the one apologizing. The words, “I apologize,” followed by what one is apologizing for, focus on the impact of one’s actions on the other person.

There are clearly people who find it easier to apologize than others, even when they believe they are wrong. There are different reasons for this. Regardless, when an apology is in order, be concerned enough about relationships to get outside of yourself and do what may not be easy, but appropriate.

No one is perfect in this issue of relationships, so any of us can find ourselves in the position of needing to apologize to someone else for our actions, or inactions. Being secure enough in ourselves to do so is often what separates those who have good relationships from those who don’t.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged apologize, business relationships, family relationships, forgiveness, friend relationships | Leave a comment

Being Our Best Selves

Posted on September 14, 2016 by Patti Fralix

I am going to stick my neck out here, and I am afraid that it might get chopped off! But I must be true to what I believe. I am reading some things lately about authenticity and being true to yourself, and while I believe those things to a point, I also have some different thoughts than some that are popular. So, here goes.

I believe that we are called to be our best selves. We do no good to others, including those others who depend on us, if we are living a life of duplicity. So, yes, we need to be happy and fulfilled. We need to be our best selves. We need to strip away all of the riff raff, and get to the core of who we are, and live from that place. I do believe that. But I must make some qualifications to this.

Being our best selves includes being who we need to be for those who depend on us, specifically, our dependent children. I believe that when we choose to have children, we make the choice to subjugate our personal happiness to their needs during the years that they are dependent on us. Yes. We choose to put the best for our children ahead of what we may think is our own personal best, when our children are dependent on us. This is selfless love, and it is what we as parents are called to not just accept, but embrace. As a parent, we put the needs of our children ahead of our own needs. This may conflict with what we want as best for our authentic selves. So be it. It is what is right, regardless.

Now, do not mistake this for the choice to live in a dysfunctional relationship. That choice is not good for the parent or children. But it does mean that just because you don’t think that your spouse is your true “soul mate,” that such does not give you a license to look around for someone who better meets your requirements. When you bring children into this world, you owe them a functional family unit, to the best of your ability. That means that you choose to be satisfied with the other parent, even if or when your desires indicate otherwise. Now remember, I qualified this statement earlier; this is not about dysfunction. It is about putting the needs of your family above your own needs. Yes. That is what I said. Your individual needs are subjugated to the needs of your family, especially your children. And do not allow yourself to see this as martyrdom, or even as codependency. It is really only about the selfless love of a parent. And I realize that in this day of “me first,” this philosophy is not common. But as a parent, it is what I consider most authentic.

Now, I am going to stick my neck way out even further. I will give an example from my own life, for the purpose of clarity. When I lost my job in the early 80’s, I had some major decisions to make. My job was as a health care executive. Given the politics, it was not possible to get a comparable job in the area. So I was faced with the decision to relocate, travel, or look for a different job in a different field in the area. Our daughters were teenagers, and Mike had an important job that would not be easy to replace quickly. So, my decision was pretty clear, although not easy to make. I knew that it would not be best for the family for me to travel for my job. I also knew that with Mike’s job being what it was, considering relocating the family for my work was not the best decision for any of us. So, even though I loved my work, I was good at it, and I knew that I could get another job in that field by relocating, I made the decision to put the needs of the family first. And I never regretted that decision. It was the very right decision for us to make, especially for the benefit of our teenage daughters. I made the decision to start my own business; speaking, consulting, and coaching individuals and teams to be their best. And now, almost twenty-five years later, I know that decision was the right one, not just for our daughters or the family, but for me as well.

I am not saying that the decisions I made as a parent are the right decisions for everyone. I am not saying that I know what others need to do to be their best selves. I am saying that I believe we know when we need to make decisions in the best interest of others, especially our dependent children, and that sometimes those would not necessarily be the same decisions if we put ourselves first. If we are fortunate enough to live long enough, we see those children grow up and leave the nest, and our ability to put our own interests first, in coordination with any appropriate others, such as a spouse, returns.

Being authentic in the broadest context means doing what we know to be best, not just for ourselves, but for those others who depend on us. It is not always about “me first.”

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Speaking Truth to Power

Posted on September 8, 2016 by Patti Fralix

Some will remember Anita Hill’s sexual harassment case against Supreme Court Justice nominee Clarence Thomas in the early 1990’s. I certainly do. That was around the same time that I was precipitously fired. I had been hired to make massive change in a very traditional and bureaucratic organization. The changes included changes in power. Once the shock of my termination was gone and the dust settled, it was clear to me that speaking truth to power was the “why” of my termination. I had several “speaking truth to power” situations. The one that I did not survive related to a male in a high level position who harassed women in positions of less power. I never questioned if addressing this problem through the proper channels was the right thing to do, and I knew very well the risks involved. Could I ever prove the real reasons for my termination? No, but that did not change my reality.

In my situation, I was encouraged by several people to sue the organization for unlawful termination, specifically gender discrimination. My response was, “Anita Hill has a much stronger case than me, and she isn’t doing so well!” Also, I knew that legally the CEO was within his rights due to NC being an employment-at-will state, especially for people in upper management positions. So we came to an agreement on terms, and I moved on. Anita Hill moved on as well, and wrote a book about her experience with Clarence Thomas, entitled, aptly so, Speaking Truth to Power.

Now almost twenty-five years later, we have harassment cases, sexual and otherwise, still being litigated. One recent high profile case is that of Bill Cosby, a case which will likely be litigated for years. Then there is the high profile case that recently occurred and was quickly settled out of court for $20 million! Gretchen Carlson’s speaking truth to power netted her $20 million in a suit against Roger Ailes, Fox News Chairman, for sexual harassment. She also received an apology from Fox News, Ailes’ and her employer when the harassment occurred, and the one who will pay for the settlement.

Harassment of any type is illegal in the U.S. Unfortunately, the fact that it is illegal has not eradicated it, especially with people in high positions harassing people in other positions. The harassment usually occurs by men in positions of power against usually (but not always) women. Too often the risks associated with pursuing these cases either through a company’s internal resources such as human resources or externally through the legal system are too great for some people. There is also the “blame the victim” mentality on the part of some people, and the belief that one should just turn their heads to these things and move on. Donald Trump, the male U.S. presidential nominee, said if such happened to his daughter, he hoped she would “just switch jobs, or even careers.” How simplistic (and sad) of an answer to what is often a very complex situation.

And to be “fair” and non political, it should be mentioned that Bill Clinton had a sexual relationship with a White House Intern when he was president, but that fails the test of the legal definition of sexual harassment, since by all indications it was consensual. The fact that it wasn’t legally sexual harassment in no way excuses Bill Clinton’s behavior. He was obviously in a position of power over the intern, and used that power inappropriately.

“Hats off” to Gretchen Carlson for speaking truth to power, and for being very smart as to what she did to prove her allegations. It is quite possible that this large monetary settlement will deter some from treating others less than respectfully in the workplace. It is also possible that this case will even change some of the power dynamics between those in positions of power and those with little or no position power.

The power, and the obligation, that we all have is to speak the truth, wherever that falls, and to be willing and able to suffer through the predictable conflicts that ensue. Saying that, however, does not change the fact that for various reasons, some people will not be able to do so. They need the Anita Hills and Gretchen Carlsons to have their backs.

Progress is being made, but still with gender and power differences. Yes, Gretchen Carlson received a good settlement from Fox News, $20 million. However, Roger Ailes, the perpetrator, received a better settlement, $40 million, from Fox News, for exiting the company as requested soon after the story broke.

Yes, some good change. But not enough.

Posted in Leadership, Relationships | Tagged business blog, justice, power, truth | Leave a comment

Running Out of Time

Posted on September 1, 2016 by Patti Fralix

When we are young, we rarely think about running out of time. Now that I am soon to be 65, I think of that a lot. Perhaps it is the mounds of Medicare info that has been flooding my mailbox the past few months. Maybe it is having to check the last box on various forms, the 62 and older line. Or maybe it is seeing our grandchildren grown up so fast. It really is all those things. But it is more than those. It really isn’t about being almost 65. It is about running out of time, regardless of our age. We have always known that disease and death are no respecter of age. While we may think about our mortality more as we age, we can run out of time at any age.

I don’t understand this aging thing, really. My mother and her mother both died at 64 years of age. Since I am now 64, I have had them on my mind a lot. I am reminded of my father-in-law who is soon to be 93. He talks about when he passed his 87^th birthday, and he had then lived longer than his parents or any of his siblings. With my 65^th birthday just three months away, I can identify. But even though this is on my mind a lot, there are other things on my mind about this as well.

I am thinking about a close friend who is in his mid 40’s whose cancer is growing, hoping that he can get treatment to arrest the growths, and hopefully a cure. He has teenage children who still need their dad, and a mother who does not need to suffer the loss of a son after losing her husband a few short years ago. We are praying for a miracle.

The death of a musician friend is also on my mind. Mike and I have followed Jack Shepherd around St. Maarten for 16 years. Mike sent him a Facebook message to let him know that we are in St. Maarten, only to have someone reply that Jack passed away last October. Jack was only 60 years old when cancer stopped his music.

I also think about how careless I can be with my health, and know that those who do not have good health would give almost anything to have good health to care for. I remember when my mother died in 1998, vowing to exercise consistently to take good care of myself. That resolve did not last, and here I am struggling again with exercising and weight control, feeling guilty that with my good health, I take it for granted.

Thoughts of my career are also heavy on my mind. I am in a stage where I know I need to refocus my career. I think a lot about my passion to inspire positive change in work, life, and family, and know that I need to accelerate that, before my time runs out. As Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

While I know that our time on earth is limited, regardless of the number of years we are privileged to live, I am not doing enough to act on that knowledge. Perhaps you can identify.

Whether our life includes one more year, many more years, or no more years, we do have now. What will we do with the time we have?

Posted in life | Tagged dying, living, time | Leave a comment

WOW Customer Experiences!

Posted on August 25, 2016 by Patti Fralix

Different customers want and expect different things from the businesses they support. While there are certain variables that most customers consider important, there is also great variety in this issue of customer satisfaction. It just makes sense that since there are so many different types of people, there are different ways that those different people will feel valued by a business. There is a considerable amount of research about customer satisfaction. There are some “givens” about customer satisfaction, and there are ways a business can differentiate itself, especially with its most important customers. And yes, some customers of a business are more important than others. The only qualification I make to this statement is that if you are a business providing a necessary service, such as a hospital, all customers should be considered as important as any other, although that just isn’t how it plays out in the real world. But the focus of this article is business in general, so I will not make any more comments about that here. That can be the subject for another article.

Most customers expect value, and it is the customer’s definition of value that is most important, not the definition of value held by the business. Most customers expect timely response, especially when they encounter a problem. Most customers expect quality, and the cost/quality relationship is extremely important. Sometimes it is possible to provide more quality than the customer is willing or able to afford. While this is not an all inclusive list of general customer expectations, it is a sufficient list to now discuss the differentiators in customer service. For such, I have three recent examples.

Mike and I are in Sint Maarten on our annual vacation. We have been coming to this same property for 16 years. It is almost like our second home. And we are not unusual in this thinking. I was walking this am with a woman who has been coming here for 38 years! And she described her feelings about this place exactly the same way as we do, a second home. Why?

There is very little turnover of staff here, and as such, we were greeted like family by several people when we arrived. Contrast that to arriving at a new location where you know no one, or a familiar location that can’t keep staff. You can feel the difference. This home away from home is the Royal Islander. If you look at it on line, you might not be as impressed as you would expect from my information. But believe me, it is much nicer than it presents on line. You can’t always judge a book by its cover.

When we arrived in our unit, we had flowers and champagne from our favorite jeweler on the island, Ron of Joe’s Jewelry in Philipsburg. We have shopped with Ron for all of these 16 years, and we found him by chance. While we are not big spenders on jewelry (my Mike would disagree with this statement!) we always buy some jewelry, and always from Ron. While we have bought jewelry from a couple of other stores when Ron did not have what we were looking for, (and it is usually a particular designer, not a certain piece of jewelry) we always go to Ron first, and judge all others by him. I could talk more about Ron and the difference I find in his level of service, but that would take too much time. Suffice it to say, Ron and Joe’s Jewelry store on Sint Maarten sets the bar high on service. And lest you wonder, this is the first time in 16 years that we have received anything tangible such as flowers and champagne. Ron did invite us to dinner with his family once years ago. But dinner and flowers and Champagne aside, my customer satisfaction and loyalty cannot be bought, so those are just “thank you’s” for being a long time loyal customer, not a guarantee of future business. I remain a loyal customer of Ron’s and Joe’s Jewelry because they continue to deliver not just great jewelry at great prices, but exceptional service. If Ron isn’t there when you go, ask for Harry (who just happens to be the manager) or anyone else. You will be treated like family.

One final example. Mike and I went to a restaurant yesterday that we have been to before, Bistro de la Mer, in Marigot, the French side of the island. I was “wowed” by the action of our server. We ordered our meal, and she asked if we wanted water. Mike rarely drinks water, but I do, so I said, “Yes, tap water.” The water in Sint Maarten is fine to drink, and I do not like to pay for water that can be free. Well, this restaurant only provides water for purchase, so I said, “No thank you.” It is hot and humid in Sint Maarten, so it is good to drink water. A few minutes after serving us our drinks, the server came by with a large cup of ice for me and said, “This is extra ice for your drink.” My drink did not need extra ice. I realized immediately that she found a way around their system to give me water! The ice melted quickly, and I had more free water to drink than I needed! All businesses should be so fortunate to have staff care enough about the customer and find ways to go around their system to not just satisfy, but WOW, their customers. While the food was excellent, I expect that, and willingly pay for it. The service in general is good, and I expect that. What differentiated this experience was the action of the server. She provided an experience that I did not expect, but will always remember. She set the bar high for other experiences. I regret that I did not ask for her name.

How does your business and staff compare to these examples?

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged customer service | Leave a comment

Relationship Management

Posted on August 17, 2016 by Patti Fralix

All of us are in the business of relationship management, whether we think of it that way or not. This is true on a professional as well as personal level. On a personal level we have relationships with our family and friends to manage. On a professional level we have the relationships with our customers and clients, staff, and vendors to manage.

While the word, “manage,” might surprise you when thinking of relationships with family and friends, in this context don’t think of managing as a business activity, but as something that requires time, attention, and forethought. It is not uncommon for otherwise successful people to manage their relationships with their professional connections better than they do the ones with their family and friends. To be truly successful requires having healthy and meaningful relationships with all of our connections, and our personal connections should be considered our most important connections. You have most likely heard the adage, “On their deathbed most people don’t wish they had spent more time at the office.” When time is running out, most people wish they had spent more time with their loved ones. But the time spent with loved ones should be good times, not times filled with conflict. How to do that is the million-dollar question. The thoughts I have about this come from experience as much as any knowledge learned from school or other resources.

In both types of connections, professional as well as personal, communicate from your dominant role. If your focus is your teenager, don’t even use the word, “relationship,” for what teenager wants to even think about having a relationship with their parent?! While some of this depends on the teenager’s age, the relationship that a parent of a teenager who will soon be leaving home should have is one of interdependence. Too many conflicts with teenagers occur because the parent is too dominant, playing an independent role, and forcing the teenager into a dependent role.

With an adult child, the role of the parent and adult child is one of independence. Unnecessary conflicts occur when the parent of an adult child communicates with or places the adult (child) in a dependent role, as happens when the parent tells the adult child what to do or how to act. I learned this valuable lesson the hard way recently. This is an example of, “Stay in your own lane!” Regardless of your good intent, avoid reverting back to a dominant parent role with your adult children.

It is also important to understand and communicate with others based upon their dominant personality, not yours. If the other person is usually assertive to aggressive, be assertive (not aggressive) with them, for if you are less assertive or aggressive, neither will work. On the other hand, if you are too direct with a less assertive person, they may misunderstand you entirely. You do not have to have a personality profile of the others to understand their dominant personality. Pay attention to their language, especially how direct or indirect are their words, and how definitively, or not, they speak, and match their language.

A third important point is to stay focused on the desired outcome of the communication, and how best to accomplish that. If your desired outcome is to have a better relationship with the other person, walk a mile in their shoes. Spend time thinking of how best to communicate the desired result, and seek mutuality whenever possible. While it is tempting when you believe that you have given more to the relationship and you want to tell them that, be clear about the fact that such a focus will likely not result in a better relationship, but even more conflict. If you are wanting to throw this relationship away because it is no longer worth it to you, if that is your focus, even then you can do so nicely. Why burn bridges? I too understand this on a personal level. And in writing this I am now clear about how to resolve the conflict with this friend and maintain the relationship, and hopefully have the friendship richer.

I write because I need to learn. In so doing, I hope that my learning is also helpful to you.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged conflict, family relationships, friend relationships, how to handle conflict, relationship management, relationships | Leave a comment

Service Recovery

Posted on August 10, 2016 by Patti Fralix

It is my favorite restaurant, and has been for more than 20 years. It is less than ten minutes from our home, and there are many other good to great restaurants in town, but this one has stood the test of time for me. The food is excellent, with many fresh fish choices. The atmosphere is classy casual. The prices are mid level expensive, which makes it a special night out, since we go there when we want to treat ourselves. The service is excellent. Or better said, the service is usually excellent. It wasn’t this night, a couple of weeks ago.

I arrived before my husband and his business colleague, and was seated by the owner. I told him to expect Mike and his guest shortly. Then I waited. And waited. And waited. No server came by, not even to say, “I will be with you in just a minute.” I was in a section that all tables were filled, and there was a server buzzing around, just not connecting to me. After what seemed like twenty minutes, but was likely less than ten, I went to the front, and told the owner that I had not had even as much as a “hello,” much less water or any other service. And I told him that since he had seated me, he knew I had been there for awhile. He was obviously not pleased to hear this information, and said, “Thank you for letting me know.” I knew the problem would quickly be solved. And it was. About the same time that the server appeared, Mike and his guest were led to the table by Steve, the owner. The service quickly changed for the better, and we had a lovely evening. The server never apologized, (and she probably should have;) she just kicked into high gear, and made sure that our experience the rest of the evening was without flaw. We were pleased with the service, food, and the total experience. Service Recovery had occurred.

Customer service is simple, just not easy, especially in restaurants. People expect food quality, a pleasant and clean atmosphere, reasonable prices (reasonable based upon their expectations), efficient and timely responsiveness, and overall (at least) good service. While we differ in our expectations for those different areas of service, at a minimum most people have those service expectations. If there is a lapse in any of those areas, especially in a more expensive restaurant in which the expectations are higher, it is hard to recover. Given that, why was this restaurant able to recover so quickly and well, especially with me, who has higher than average service expectations? There are several reasons why recovery in this situation was not just possible, but quick.

The first answer is in the first sentence of this article. This is my favorite restaurant. I am a loyal fan, and I want them to do well. I have had many other positive experiences. Had these variables not been present, I would likely have responded (or reacted!) differently in this situation.

Then, when I expressed concern about the lack of service, I was not met with defensiveness or inaction. Instead, I was thanked for making them aware of the problem. Then the problem was solved quickly, and in a manner that I, the customer, did not feel that it would be taken out on me since I had complained. Instead, the attitude of the server was pleasant, accommodating, and responsive. It was the best that we can hope for when we know it is not a perfect world. Mistakes will happen, and there are many reasons why. Those do not even matter, at least they do not matter as much as recovery. It would have been nice to have been “comped” something, but we weren’t, and that wasn’t necessary. I am not sure that I would have had any more positive of an experience had that been done.

Customers will usually allow a business to recover, if they do the right things. It isn’t always easy, but it is simple. Especially if you are a loyal fan.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged business blog, customer service, restaurant, service recovery | Leave a comment