Let It Go

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What do you do when you can’t resolve conflict?  It is a given that we will have conflict.  There seems to be more of it lately than ever before.  Our current political environment is a great example.   I have heard several people bemoan the fact that it is difficult to have a civil conversation about different political views.  I can identify.  I do not have a good answer for that.  I am less concerned about that than I am the everyday conflicts we have with our family, close friends, and important business associates. When those conflicts aren’t resolved, that is serious. 

One of the reasons we have conflict is due to our different personalities.  Because of some of our differences, we view how we manage conflict through different lens.  My husband and I are an example of this.  Mike is one of the nicest people you could ever meet.  We have been together for 33 years, married for 32.  In all of those years, I am only aware of three people with whom Mike has had significant overt conflict.  Two of those people are aggressive personality types that created the conflicts.  (Now I realize that I am prejudiced, but this is a fact!)  The third person is passive aggressive.  Mike is a problem solver who believes at his core that people are reasonable, and that even if they do not agree with you, they will be able to work through their differences amicably.  Not true of some people.  In addition to different personalities, there are motives that can affect how some people manage differences and conflict.  And then there are some people who just do not like us, for whatever reason.  Getting along well with people who do not like us is difficult, especially when circumstances necessitate that we must deal with them. 

Then there is the issue of believing we are right and the other person is wrong.  Additionally, if there is a power difference, that complicates how we are able, or not, to manage our differences. 

Earlier I mentioned “overt” conflict.  Overt conflict is conflict which is expressed, not hidden.  Overt conflict usually involves direct communication of the differences.  There may be anger expressed in overt conflict, but that is not always the case.  Covert conflict is hidden, and can be expressed in passive ways.  In the case of covert conflict, the person who feels it (and both people really feel it) and yet doesn’t express it often becomes frustrated and even angry, yet does not deal with those feelings in a manner that resolution of the differences can occur.   

Regardless of whether the conflict one is experiencing is overt or covert, it is important to decide whether resolution of the conflict is a reasonable goal.  There are various reasons why determining that resolution is unlikely is a wise decision.  While getting to that decision isn’t easy, when one has reached it, the best option at that point is to Let It Go.  Just Let It Go.  Recognize that it is not possible or even necessary to work through conflict with all people.  Also recognize if you can’t, it is impossible for a healthy and productive relationship to occur.  So also let go of the desire for such.       

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Be A Front Row Person!

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It was dance rehearsal for our oldest and youngest granddaughters. The rehearsals were at staggered times for the different ages, so my daughter and I were there for the afternoon. We had been sitting and watching for a couple of hours when a young girl, who was probably about six years of age, and her mother came into the auditorium.  We were on the second row.  The young girl rushed down to the very first row, only to be pulled back by her Mom, who went to a middle row, and said, “Come back here; I’m not a front row person!”  I couldn’t help but feel sad for the young girl who was obviously a front row person, but whose zest for that would likely be squelched in various ways.  Knowing that her mother was probably her most important role model, her mother’s unwillingness or inability to be a front row person would make it difficult for her daughter to be.  What does “being a front row person” really involve, and why is it important?

First of all, it involves confidence.  It can also involve arrogance, but it doesn’t have to.  Confidence and arrogance are very different.  People who are confident can be front row people without expecting the spotlight to be on them. They are fine with being noticed, yet they do not need or demand the attention of others.  People who are arrogant tend to need and demand the attention of others.  Confident people attract the attention of others; they do not need to demand it.  While arrogant front row people attract the attention of others, it is usually negative attention. 

Being a confident front row person shows interest in what is going on and in others, both of which are positive behaviors, behaviors which attract others to us.  It is reciprocity in action.  It also shows positive energy, energy which can be energizing to others, especially those in charge who may subconsciously reflect back positive behaviors.

Being a front who person can be natural or learned behavior.  There are individuals who are born front row people, who are not even aware of it, for it is so natural.  Then there are others who have learned the steps to be a front row person, knowing it is important, but for whom it is not easy or natural.   

Each person knows whether or not he is a front row person in most situations, and is by habit likely to remain in that position.  Behavior we adopt becomes second nature to us, and unless there is a strong urge to change, we don’t. 

I do hope that it is obvious that sitting in the front row is not the only way to be a front row person.  Any behavior or action that involves us showing our confidence and being engaged in what is going on and with others can be front row behaviors.  Giving our opinion without being asked is one example.  Initiating interaction and conversation with others is another example.  Being assertive (not aggressive) is an example, in ways that include not waiting for permission to do something we are skilled to do, even if we haven’t been told to do so. Being an appropriately direct communicator and not hedging what is said, worried about the approval of others, is another example.  There are other examples as well. Hopefully the examples given are sufficient to understand this perspective. 

What do you think?  Are you a front row person?  If not, are you willing to do what it takes to learn to be, and to consistently practice the behaviors? 

You never know what might be the positive result for you, and maybe even for others.  A six year old girl can be watching and learning from you.

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I Just Want You To Be A Mom!

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Where oh’ where does the time go?  The words, “I just want you to be a Mom!” were spoken by Mary Grace a few years ago as her mom, our daughter Tara, was being sworn in as a Magistrate Judge. Mary Grace said, “I don’t want you to be a Judge; I just want you to be a Mom!”  Her mom became a Judge anyway, and has continued to be a wonderful mom.  I was reminded about this today when talking to Tara.  11- year old Mary Grace had major dental surgery, so Tara was home with her and the other two children, 9-year-old Elsie and 4-year-old Virginia.  I called Tara to check in on Mary Grace, and Tara was talking about how wonderful are these three children, how much she enjoyed them, and she said, “Being a Mom is the best job of all!”  My heart was so touched by her words.  They took me back to other words she had said through the years.

Tara grew up with me as a working mother, at a time when working mothers were not common in our social class.  I always liked to work, so I was not troubled by the decision to work outside of the home, as are many women.  I thought that I balanced my family work with my work outside of the home, not really ever conflicted by the choices I was making.  The fact that my husband and I raised two wonderful girls, Tara and Chatham, who both graduated from college with advanced degrees, both whom now have wonderful jobs that pay them well, is a testament to the fact that “it takes a village.”  We did not raise these girls by ourselves.  Shirshee played a major role in Tara’s life, taking care of her from the time she was 6 weeks old when I returned to work teaching nursing school, until I took her away to North Carolina when Tara was 5 years old.  And there was always Lolly, my young cousin, who lived with us and cared for Tara and Chatham as I worked more than “normal” hours. But the fact that our girls have graduated from college and are gainfully employed is not the total story.  Who they are separate from their “paying” jobs tell more about their character. 

I have always had a passion for women’s work, and the value of women in society.  Perhaps that comes form being in the first class of women admitted to undergraduate programs at the University of Virginia.  Perhaps it comes from the fact that I was usually in jobs with mainly men, navigating the role of women in traditional bureaucratic organizations.  I never had to choose between having a job outside of the home and raising children; I always felt that I could do both.     

I will always remember 16 year old Tara’s hands on her hips, announcing,“ I know this is going to disappoint you greatly, Mom, but I have no plans to change the world!” 

Sorry, Tara; you are changing the world.  You are a wonderful mother, raising children who know they are loved, who know that they are really your first priority.  Yes, you are a great lawyer and a great magistrate judge, but more important than those roles, you are a wonderful mother.  And Aunt Chatham, you have chosen to not have children of your own, but you are a wonderful aunt.  You wore me out last weekend playing with Virginia all afternoon!

Women still have to choose.   Many women have to choose family or work, or family and work.  Some women can’t choose; their circumstances direct their choices.  And this is not whining.  Many men would love to have the choice to make, yet society expectations direct their choices.

For Mary Grace, Elsie, and Virginia, I thank your parents, Stephen and Tara.  For it isn’t just Tara who makes the children a priority; it is also Stephen. Stephen works unimaginable hours to provide for the family while Tara juggles both work and family.

“Changing the World” happens in various ways.

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Service

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Ok, I admit it; I often lack patience.  Anyone who knows me well would attest to this fact.   But I think the lack of service that I have experienced lately would test anyone’s patience.  Although my good friend MoMo says to just drop it, I can’t.  I can’t accept what is less than acceptable service.  And neither should you. I have three recent examples.  There are more, but these three will suffice to prove the point.

I called the office of an orthopedic surgeon, my husband’s doctor, to schedule an appointment.  Instead of a live voice, the message I received was, “Your expected wait time is 18 minutes.” An 18-minute wait to schedule an appointment!  To make matters worse, the marketing message that played while I was waiting was all about “how wonderful we are.”  Instead of being impressed, I was annoyed.  I was thinking, if you are so wonderful and successful, why can’t you afford a minimum wage salary to answer the phone instead of keeping your patients waiting for 18 minutes to schedule an appointment?!  How many people have that kind of time to schedule an appointment?

My second example.  I called a travel organization I am a member of to book a trip, and the person who answered the phone could not find my account number.  It was obvious that the systems of the organization were not working, although my address and phone number were in their system, but not my account number.  Instead of making it easy for me, the person told me, “You need to have your account number!” When I replied, “Why do your systems not have my account number linked to my record?” I was disconnected! The disconnection was that the person hung up on me!   Amazing.  Blame the customer, when the company lacks systems that are integrated.  Then, hang up on the customer!  I am still reeling from this one. 

My third example; Apple.  For some unknown reason, my IPhone would not charge. I was going to Verizon, my cell phone carrier, to resolve the problem.  A friend convinced me to just call Apple, saying that they are so good with service.  Not this time.  The message about the wait time did not even give an anticipated wait time, using the word, “extended” to describe the wait time.  What does “extended” even mean?   And when the phone was finally answered, the person could not solve the problem, and agreed that going to Verizon to fix the problem was a good idea! So much for Apple service.   

These are just a few examples. I do not need to mention fast food restaurants, and the lack of service found there.  Other than Chick Fil A, which is clearly a cut above other fast food establishments.  If Chick Fil A can provide great service, why can’t others? 

Are most people too accepting of poor service, having come to expect less than what should be acceptable?  I think so.   Now, of course there are some examples of excellent service.  But not enough.  And people have become jaded, having come to expect less than they should from service providers.     

But not me.  I continue to expect service staff to serve the customer, to do all they can to make it easy for the customer to do business with them.  But I fear that it is a losing battle.

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Children Grow Up When We’re Not Looking

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“Nana, do you want to play with me?”  Four- year old Virginia asked the question, and I, of course, said, “Yes, of course I want to play with you!”   I lied.  I, who prides myself on never lying, lied to my granddaughter Virginia.  The truth is, while I love Virginia and her sisters, eleven year- old Mary Grace and nine year-old Elsie, I have never liked to play.  Unlike my friend Judy, who will stop what she is doing to play!  Judy is lots of fun, as is one of my other friends, MoMo.  They are both much more fun than me!  I have always been much better at working than playing, as I am sure the grandchildren’s mother and sister can attest. 

But play I must, since Virginia is in Raleigh for two weeks at Nana Camp while her sisters are at Camp Seafarer.  So I will play, read, take trips to Marbles Museum, Pullen Park, and other local places that are fun, entertaining, and educational for kids.  I will do it, and I will enjoy some parts of it, but it is not natural for me.  I am much better at cooking with the children, which they all love to do, making pancakes with me being their favorite cooking activity.  But I do not consider that playing.  Cooking is my realm, and I love to share that with them. But it is different than playing.  Cooking is kind of grown-up, even when kids are involved. 

Playing includes jumping on the trampoline, which I do, but do not really enjoy.  While I am out on the trampoline with Virginia, at 64 years of age, I think of my mother and grandmother, who both died at 64 years of age, and I can’t imagine them jumping on the trampoline.  In fact, I do not remember either one of them ever playing with me, or playing at all.  I get it.  The apple does not fall far from the tree.

Although I do not enjoy playing, I will play these two weeks, and I will be so glad for the memories.  For I am so blessed to have these grandchildren, so blessed to be healthy enough to play with them, so blessed in so many ways.

“Nana, where are you,?” Virginia yells.”  I am in the laundry room, and in the kitchen, doing chores.  Chores that can wait.  But playing with Virginia should not wait.  These are precious moments, and I do not want to miss them.

So I yell back at her, “I am coming, Virginia!  I will be there in just a minute!  Put your shoes on, so we can go outside and jump on the trampoline!”       

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Proud To Be An American

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Our world continues to have its challenges.  In places around the world terrorists threaten our security routinely, with the latest attack at the airport in Istanbul, Turkey.  Leaders are discussing that terrorist threats and attacks will not go away soon or easily.  We are truly living in uncertain times.  But one thing we can be certain of is that we should be proud to be Americans.  Our upcoming national holiday should remind us of the importance of our freedom.

No, the U.S.A is not problem free, but when we compare what we have with most other nations, we should be proud.  Not haughty proud, but have pride in American.  I don’t believe in the slogan, “Make America great again;” America IS great.  This is not intended as a political statement, but as acknowledgement of what we have in this country that is good and even great.  If not every day, perhaps for the next few days as we celebrate July the 4th we can focus on the positive, and be thankful for this great land of ours.  Maybe the politicians can take a holiday from bashing each other, and enjoy time with their loved ones celebrating the 4th.   But whether they do or not, I encourage us to. 

There are many things I am proud of as an American.  I am proud of our flag, and what it symbolizes, especially our fight for freedom.  I am even proud of our struggles as a people, including those that can so easily divide us. Our struggles show that the people of this country are willing and able to change as the majority feels the need to.  No, I do not agree with all of the social changes, but I do not have to; I am only one person.  If I feel strongly about something, I have ways to make my wishes known, if I take the time and exert the effort to do so.  I as one can make a difference.  This is not as true in some countries, especially communist countries.  As I think of social changes, I remember that in years past some groups in our country did not have the rights of other groups, such as the right to vote.  As a people willing to go through the struggles to right those wrongs, we opened doors for many to be free, and to have the privileges, and the responsibilities that accompany those, of the dominant class.  How soon we forget how far we have come as a nation.

I am proud that we have freedom of religion in our country, and do not have to fear political retribution if we practice a religious faith that is different from others.  Now, I imagine some reading this will disagree, thinking our religious freedom is under attack from others who disagree with our way of life. Yes, there are problems that do affect us in some parts of our country at some times, and when those events happen, it is horrible.  But as horrible as those times are, we do not need to fear for our safety on a daily basis, and people in some other countries do, such as Syria.  I am proud that we have an infrastructure that includes our military and police that keeps us safe most of the time.  While there are certainly needed changes to keep us even safer, we should recognize how good we have it compared to some other countries. 

I am proud that we have a democracy, as messy as it can be.  We do not owe allegiance to a king or a dictator.  We are a nation free to elect our leaders, leaders from all walks of life, not those of a particular blood line.  Our leaders may grow up wealthy, be middle class, or rise from poverty to lead this nation.  America truly still is a land of opportunity.

For these reasons and more, we should be grateful, and proud.

Have a safe and wonderful 4th of July holiday.

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60 Years Young

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Maureen (MoMo) is 60 years young today.  It is hard to believe, for her, as well as others.  She is the youngest 60-year-old you could ever know.   She doesn’t look, act, or feel her age.  She has been a member of our family for almost 30 years.  I have told others that I sometimes think of her as our oldest daughter, and at other times, as my younger sister. Regardless of how she fits in our family, she is family, and more so than some others who are blood kin.  For she has been there through many of our major moments, including the birth of our three grandchildren, who love her as much as they love us.  And that is ok with us; there is no competition.  She gives freely of her time, money, and heart, including leaving Raleigh at 3am to get to St. Marys, Ga. to see/hear Mary Grace and Elsie sing in church.  And there are so may other times that she has been there for all of us.  And our youngest granddaughter, Virginia, grabs her around the legs, and says, “I love you so much, MoMo!” And you see and feel that love, and know that when you have the love of a 4-year-old, you know you have an authentic person.  And authentic Maureen is, almost to a fault. 

I have often thought of Maureen (MoMo,) and wondered what it is about her that endears others to her, and not just our grandchildren, but other children and adults as well.  I think I have discovered some of the reasons she is so special to so many people.  And on this, her 60th birthday, I want to acknowledge her uniqueness.

Maureen is so positive, usually finding the bright side (she and we call it the good finder) in any situation.  Her fun loving spirit is one of her best qualities.  She is always fun to be around.  Now, how rare is that?

She is so loving, especially of children and older people.  There are too many to mention, but you all know who you are.  It is not unusual for MoMo to receive a text or call from different friends inquiring about an illness or accident with themselves or the children, asking what to do about the problem. As an expert Nurse Practitioner whose diagnostic and treatment recommendations are often spot on, Maureen knows her boundaries and limits, and does not cross over those.  On the other hand, she is quick to do what she can when she can, and those of us who can call upon her at these times find great comfort in her advice.   As such, MoMo is “never off duty.”

Maureen is non judgmental, and accepts all as they are, without any thoughts of superiority.  Having grown up in Canada, she has not experienced some of the prejudice that is more common in the southern U.S.

Maureen is passionate about life, her career, and those she loves.  She is one of the rare ones who found her calling early in life, and has never questioned that.  She began her professional career as a nurse, then became a Nurse Practitioner, and found her perfect fit.  We should all be so fortunate. 

To MoMo’s parents, Mum Bernadette and Father Fred, thank you for the nurturing that resulted in such a wonderful person; all children should be so blessed as to have parents like you. Father Fred passed away a few years ago.  Mum Bernadette is still spry at 93.  They can be so proud of MoMo.

MoMo on behalf of all of your loved ones, thank you for who you are and all that you do for all of us.  We celebrate this time in your life, and recognize that even thought you don’t look or act 60 years young, you are!  The rest of us should be so young. And so positive.  And so loving.  And so non judgmental.

And so YOU.

Happy Birthday, MoMo!  We love you.

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Strawberry Fields Forever

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It’s in the SAUCE is all about understanding, valuing, and managing differences.  It is about the philosophy of The Platinum Rule, which is related to, but not the same as, The Golden Rule.  Whereas the Golden Rule espouses treating others like you want to be treated, the Platinum Rule is about treating others as they wish to be treated, which can be different than we want to be treated.  Both the Golden Rule and the Platinum Rule encourage us to manage our differences with others in a spirit of openness, respect, and compassion.  This mindset is extremely important in a world of greater and greater diversity.

We have experienced a time of extreme violence in our country in the past few days.  One of these events was the largest mass murder in our nation’s history, the murder of 49 innocent people at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando. Just a few days before that a very talented young singer who was a finalist in a recent Voice competition was murdered, also in Orlando. Both of these events are so very tragic.  We should all be grieving, and trying to figure out how to live better with others, even in spite of our differences.  That is not easy when there is so much hatred by some people for those who are different, whether those differences be religious, social, ethnic, or due to the many other differences that can so easily divide us.

At times like this it is easy to turn our heads and think that this isn’t about us.  But it is about us, all of us.  We are a nation built on diversity, made strong by the talents and labors of many people, people of different ethnic groups.  This fact was so profound to me this week as I visited the Statue of Liberty.  I couldn’t help but think of all of the divisive rhetoric being thrown around recently about immigrants.  It was striking to me to hear the tour operator state that twenty-five percent of Americans have at least one grandparent who came to this country through Ellis Island.  So, many of us are offspring of immigrants.  I wonder if that fact should make us have more compassion for those who desperately want to immigrate to this country? To me this isn’t about illegal immigrants; that is a different issue.  And I realize that these facts alone do not discount in any way the difficulty in making decisions about the potential violence of people tied to certain groups who are responsible for 9/11 and the other terrorist events in this country and other countries.  There are no easy answers to these issues, regardless of how much political posturing is done.

How are we to make sense of these senseless killings?  What can we do to come together as a country with solutions, instead of all of the finger pointing?  Aren’t we better than that?

While in New York this week I also visited the World Trade Center Memorial, and was so touched by the the words of Virgil, “No Day Shall Erase You From The Memory of Time,” words honoring those who died in the 9/11 events.

And then there was the memorial to John Lennon in Central Park, with the words, “Imagine all the people living life in peace.”  Imagine.

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A Lovely Afternoon With Friends

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Summer provides more leisure time for many people, in part due to longer days and a somewhat less hectic schedule.  Most children are out of school, and involved in various activities.  While many parents are still working, it seems that there is more time available for relaxation.  Before the summer passes by, I encourage us to plan how to spend some of the “off-duty” time we have.  Perhaps an example of my time spent with friends recently will give some ideas for others.

A long time friend of mine (a forty-five year friend, ‘oh where did the years go?!) in another state had knee surgery a few months ago.  Since the physical distance between us is eight hours, I was not able to help her recover after she went home, although I had spent a few days with her when she was in the hospital.  Other friends took her food, transported her to therapy appointments, and sat with her and kept her company.  A few weeks after her surgery, I planned my schedule to be able to spend a few days with her, doing what I could to be of assistance.  We had a wonderful few days.  One of the afternoons, we visited with a friend of hers who has a lovely antebellum home that is filled with antiques that my friend had told me about and wanted me to see.  When my friend Judy called her friend Patty (another Patty!)  and asked if it was convenient for us to come by for a brief visit, the answer was, “Of course, and I will have cake and coffee for us.”  Telling her to please not go to that trouble fell on deaf ears.   

Now, I don’t know about you, but if someone called me and asked to come over for a visit, I doubt that I would make a cake!  But Patty Hill did, and not just that!   When we arrived, she had coffee in the silver service, delicious home made Italian Cream Cake, fresh strawberries, and chocolate covered pretzels.  We sat in the formal dining room and enjoyed an afternoon of good food and wonderful conversation.  After that, I had a tour of her lovely home, with stories of the home through the ages that brought it to life. 

I was so touched by Patty’s hospitality, and the fact that she dropped whatever she had planned to do that afternoon and made us feel so very welcome.  This seems to happen more often in the deep South, and this was Alabama.  But I wonder if some others of us don’t need to take more time being with others in such a relaxed manner?  What would it take for us to do so?

We would have to stop spending so much time with “friends” on Facebook and on other social media sites.  We would have to do less of some other things, such as watch TV, go out for activities such as tennis, mani/pedis, and lunch dates that have less meaning.  We would have to maybe even work less, to schedule some time for a relaxing afternoon with friends.

What do you think?  Is spending some quality time with true friends not worth more than some of the less important things we do? If we reprioritize our time even occasionally for nurturing times like this, we might find the time to do so more often.  I wonder, would our mobile devices even miss us, or we them?     

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The Land of the Free

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Memorial Day, the day we celebrate the service of our men and women in the military, just passed.  Although Memorial Day has passed, hopefully we will not forget the sacrifices our military service personnel make, and show our gratitude to them whenever and however we can.  Those of us who have not served our country in such a tangible way owe a debt of gratitude to those who have made this the land of the free.   

Memorial Day weekend is also the unofficial beginning of summer.  The summer schedules afford many of us lazier days, and times to relax and enjoy the beaches, lakes, and other recreation.  I enjoy the summer, and have no guilt about taking time to enjoy all that the lazy days of summer afford.  But while doing so, I also want to spend my time mindfully.  One of our freedoms is the opportunity to spend our time as we choose.  We should not take this freedom for granted.  Perhaps it is important to mention a few of the other freedoms we have.

We have the freedom to choose our elected officials, and our upcoming general election in November provides some clear differences in candidates.  Many people state that they are not happy with the choices, but there are choices nonetheless.  Some say they will not vote due to their displeasure with both likely candidates for president.  That is a choice that can be made, but hopefully most will not select that option.  In some other countries people give their lives for the freedom to vote, a freedom some in our country take so lightly.  Let’s not fail to exercise our freedom to vote, and to make the best decisions possible from those available. 

We also have the freedom to decide how to spend our money.  Money is a finite resource, and in some cases, we think there is never enough of it.  Yet if we are honest, many of us know that we have more than we need, not just in money, but in possessions.  Many people are electing to change the dynamic of consuming more than we need, and following the minimalism philosophy.  Minimalism in this context is about changing from a consumption society to a society of relationships and experiences. 

The freedom to choose how to live our lives is perhaps our most precious freedom.  This is about more than how to spend our time, although how we spend our time directly affects the life we have.  And the daily decisions we make put us closer to the life we want to live, or farther from it.  Too often we go through our days, weeks, and months not even thinking about this. 

We are almost at the midpoint of another year.   Many of us made resolutions for this year that we have yet to keep.  For some of us, we still have time to do so, but only if we commit differently than we have thus far.  Or we can get to the end of 2016 no closer to the life we want to live than we are now.   

What do you think?  Is the freedom to live the life we choose worth making different choices?            

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