It's In The Sauce!

A New Year, A New Me!

Posted on January 5, 2016 by Patti Fralix

It is common for many people to make New Year’s resolutions to improve themselves. These improvements include losing weight, exercising more, and eliminating unhealthy habits, such as smoking, alcohol, over spending, and clutter. For some people their improvements are to be more mindful, be more spiritual, spend more time with loved ones, and de plug (some) from technology. There are other resolutions, but these listed are probably the ones most prevalent. Perhaps you found yourself and your resolutions here. Unfortunately, what begins as a desire to change January 1 is too often only a memory by February 1. Why?

One reason that resolutions don’t last is that we fail to make a real commitment to change. There is a major difference in a resolution and a commitment. It is easy to fail to keep resolutions. It is much harder to break commitments. The difference between resolutions and commitments, and even plans and goals, is significant. This is not a word game of semantics. A commitment is stronger than a resolution, plan or goal. For real change to occur, especially change in habits that are ingrained in us, requires a commitment.

A commitment is a promise to oneself. A commitment is made with serious forethought. It involves the classic stages of change, including pre contemplation and contemplation, and the acceptance of the loss that will be involved. Making a commitment is a serious undertaking, and should only be done when one has considered not just what will be gained, but what will be lost. One cannot stay the same and change. While this may sound obvious, it is a fact that is often missed when making resolutions.

We should take our time when making a commitment. Commitments should not be entered into lightly. We don’t usually take our time when making resolutions, instead we we get caught up in the revelry of the season. This difference alone is one reason that resolutions are taken lightly, and can be forgotten without much regret. Not true for a commitment. When we fail to keep a commitment, we feel not just regret, but remorse, even guilt. While this can also happen when we fail to keep our resolutions, the degree is greater with a commitment. This is one reason that commitments are less common than resolutions., and why it is easier to break a resolution than a commitment.

So, let’s make commitments to ourselves when we are ready to change, not just at the beginning of a year. But the beginning of a new year fresh with promise can be a great time to make a commitment, if we are ready. And I am!

I made two commitments for 2016, both that I have been considering for some time. One is to use cash for purchases, eliminating credit card debt. The other is to move from consumption to connection, which will involve de cluttering, buying less, and getting rid of much stuff. Note I did not say getting rid of all stuff. I know that I could not keep a commitment that involved getting rid of all stuff. Commitments need to be realistic.

My commitment to move from consumption to connection is due to the inspiration of a new friend, Leah Friedman. Leah has a professional organizing business, Raleigh Green Gables, which has a different approach than others with which I am familiar. Leah’s philosophy is to reduce consumption, and free up space for connection with others. This is a powerful thought, and it connected with me at a soul level.

As I began to prepare for these changes, these commitments, I realized that success in one of these areas will help me be successful in the other. If I am spending less, which I clearly will need to do to pay cash for purchases, I will not be bringing more stuff into my life. If I am de cluttering, I will be more mindful of what I have, and what I need, or more accurately, what I do not need. If I convert that knowledge to action, I will be successful.

As an accountability measure, I will blog on this journey at least quarterly.

As you begin this new year, is there some change that you wish to make? Is it a resolution, or a commitment? I would love to her from you about your journey, and your success.

May 2016 be all that you want it to be both personally and professionally!

Posted in Relationships | Tagged 2016, New Years Commitment, new years resolutions, organization, relationships | Leave a comment

The Gift of Presence

Posted on December 30, 2015 by Patti Fralix

Christmas 2015 is behind us, and New Year’s 2016 is immediately before us. Before we reflect on the year that has passed and the year that is before us, let’s focus on where we are now. The word that comes to mind is “mindfulness.” Without going to the dictionary (a baby boomer’s reference!) or googling the word, “mindfulness,” (the younger generation’s resource!) my explanation of “mindfulness” is being totally present.

For many of us, the time between Christmas and New Year’s allows us the opportunity to be present with our loved ones. We seem to have more time to sit together, to sup together, and to be mindful of each other. Of course, there is plenty to do, but we seem to be ok with not doing it! There may be the unspoken knowledge that when January comes, we will go into high gear, and all of the responsibilities we have will (again) begin to consume us. But for now, these few days at the end of December, we take the opportunity to slow down, relax, and just be present with our friends and family. For some of us that time is spent at home, and for others, we travel and spend time together relaxing at the beach, lake, or mountains, grateful to be able to relax together, whether at home or away.

The gift of presence is one of our most precious gifts. To be able to be totally present with others is something we should not take for granted. But too often we do. I am sure that you, like I, see people all around who are physically together, yet separated by technology. How often do we see couples and families at the same table preparing to have a meal together, yet who all are on their mobile devices? It continues to amaze me that people pay more attention to their technology communication than they do the communication of human connection, to the conversation of people who are sitting at the same table. Now, I must confess. I get caught up in this also, to viewing the photos and messages of people whom I see infrequently, yet ignoring the presence of those sitting with me. While I do not like to admit that what I am doing is ignoring those who are present with me, to “connect” with those on technology with whom I have, at least in some cases, a very superficial relationship. When I am honest with myself, I recognize that it is difficult to be totally present with others in a physical sense; it is much easier to “connect” via technology. And how sad this is. This does not mean that communication by technology is wrong or bad, just that it should never replace being totally present with our family and friends.

Be totally present. Have meaningful conversation with whom we are connected. Spend time together, relaxing and reflecting on those things we have in common, and even conversing about those things about which we disagree.

Let’s look forward to a brand new year, and all that it offers us. May 2016 be a wonderful year for all of us professionally, and also personally. May none of us experience our loved ones wishing they had more of us, more of our presence, or more of our attention. Hopefully we will keep our priorities in order. Hopefully we will remember that our relationships should take priority over everything else; yes, over everything else. Be totally present with others. And enjoy the benefits of the connection.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged gift of time, mindfulness, new year goals, relationships | 2 Comments

The Kindness of Strangers

Posted on December 17, 2015 by Patti Fralix

The airline staff person noticed I was trying to get my bag off of the conveyer belt, and he smiled and said, “May I help you with that?” I said, “Thank you.” He replied, “No, thank YOU for flying American, for without YOU, there’s no me!” WOW; I was wowed! I fly a lot, and usually check my luggage. This is the first time that I have had any airline staff person wow me like that.

Oh sure, it is quite common for the airline steward and even the pilot to say, “Thank you for flying xyz airline,” as I am disembarking the plane. And even when it is said with a smile and a friendly tone of voice, that is not the same. That is what I call, “Smiles Training.” It is scripted. It is always the same. The staff have been taught to use that greeting. And that is good; at least there is a spirit of appreciation for the customer’s business on the part of the airline. That is certainly better than being ignored, or nothing being said that shows gratitude for the customer’s business. But it isn’t enough. It is similar to being told, “Have a nice day” by the fast food worker as he passes your food across the counter without even making eye contact, when the day is almost over! Those type of greetings are clear to many customers that the staff person has been told to use those exact words, and they do not really show appreciation for the customer by that particular representative of the business. “Smiles training” is not enough to connect the customer to the business in a positive way. It takes genuine appreciation displayed by all staff who interface with the customer for real connection to occur.

All of my traveling isn’t by air; I also drive a lot. I was driving to my father-in-law’s 92^nd birthday this past weekend, and I was traveling alone. Mike was already there, having flown. Mid way on the trip I had an alert on the dashboard indicating I had a potentially serious problem with the pressure of my tires. The pressure of all 4 tires was so low that the pressure reading did not register. As soon as I could I exited and found a gas station with an air machine. But I wasn’t sure that I knew how to use it correctly. I knew how to take the cap off of the tire, and I knew how to find the amount of tire pressure that each tire should have. But I did not know how to read the pressure gauge to see how much pressure each tire actually had, and I wasn’t sure that I was putting the air in correctly. Not wanting to assume how to put the right amount of air in each tire, I looked around for someone who could help me. Of course, there are few full service gas stations to be found these days, and this wasn’t one of them. I decided that going inside the station store to get help would probably not result in a solution. But I did see someone who I thought might be willing to help me. There was a clean cut friendly looking young man (profiling perhaps, but it is the truth!) pumping gas. I explained my problem and asked him if he would help me, and he did. Helping me took about ten minutes of his time. Not only did he do the work to put air in the tires, he explained what he was doing, including how to read the tire gauge. I offered to pay him for his help, which he refused to accept. I was so appreciative of his assistance that I vowed to look for an opportunity to help someone in a similar manner, although not with car problems, since that is not my strong suit!

Another stranger offered assistance to me recently, and this one, similar to the airline attendant, without being asked. Having bought many groceries at Costco for the upcoming Thanksgiving meals, I was struggling to push the grocery cart up the hill to my car. A woman saw my struggle, came up to my side and took my cart away from me, saying, “Let me help you with that.” She had a few groceries she was carrying, and seemed like she was in a hurry, likely having plenty to do to get ready for her own holiday. But she saw my need and stepped in and helped me. She even insisted on unloading all of my groceries into my car. It was such a pleasant encounter that as she walked away from me I regretted not having asked her name, for I knew I would write about the experience. A few days after Thanksgiving I saw her in another store (amazing, but not really, since I believe in synchronicity) and she asked about my holiday. We exchanged names, and I thanked Sharon again for her assistance. I want to pay it forward for her help, and I will.

The kindness of strangers. People who have no responsibility to assist us, who step up and do, some without even being asked, who are aware of our need because they are paying attention and notice our need and offer their assistance, such as Sharon and the airline attendant. Then there are others, who when we ask, are very willing to help. I am so appreciative of these I have mentioned. These experiences make me want to do more for others.

I want to pay it forward, and am looking for opportunities to do so.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged acts of kindness, kindness of strangers, pay it forward | 2 Comments

Getting a Jump on January

Posted on December 10, 2015 by Patti Fralix

Most people are in the throws of the holidays or readying for the holidays. In the midst of the shopping, celebrating, and caroling, take some time to fast forward to January 2016, and make some decisions now that can help you keep your commitments in the new year.

It is common for many people to choose to lose weight and exercise more at the beginning of a year. Unfortunately, many of these hopes are not really commitments, and are abandoned before February arrives. What if we spend the rest of December and make decisions about the things we want to change, beginning the process now? We have 21 days left in December. Just think about it. We can easily gain 5 or more pounds in the remaining 21 days this month, just by not paying attention to what we eat. And in so doing, we will start the new year with more pounds, which will be even harder to lose.

Making time for exercise during the holidays is hard, given all of the additional activities vying for our time. But it isn’t hard to make time for exercise if doing so is a real commitment. Well, it is clear to me that exercising is not a commitment of mine, since I haven’t exercised consistently for over a year. Now, I do have a good reason for not exercising, since I have had a bad case of Bursitis in both hips for more than a year. But the Bursitis is improved, and is more improved the more I move. One would think that I would move more to hurt less, but I haven’t. Several weeks ago I pledged to myself and even wrote in a Blog Post that I was changing this, but I haven’t. So, exercising more is not a commitment of mine. But it is my niece’s commitment. Mike and I are in New York for a few days, and our niece Alison was also here. When we met for breakfast yesterday Alison had already had her run, and her body shows it. And I know that she is not only a better weight due to her exercise, she is also healthier. If I really want to lose the 15 pounds I found in 2015, consistent exercise will help. And why wait until January? If I get serious about this, instead of gaining 5 or more pounds in December, I can lose a few pounds, which will make my work in this areas easier in 2016.

The other area many people make decisions about at the beginning of a new year is finances. Now, if we are really careful about our spending in December, we can get a head start in the area of finances. If we don’t, we will start the new year with excess debt, if we have charged our purchases, and will possibly have spent on items we, and those who receive them, will have forgotten soon after they are unwrapped. Now, we know what to do about this, and it isn’t too late. Most people have not finished their shopping, and some, like me, will spend too much in the last few days before Christmas, afraid that we haven’t bought enough. Now, how much is enough? That is the question to answer. While it may be too late to make a spending budget, it isn’t too late to take inventory of what has been spent, and to limit any remaining unnecessary purchases. Now, as hard as eating well and less and exercising more will be for me, spending less than I really want to in these next 21 days will probably be my greatest challenge. And I have one more day in NYC, where the shopping this time of the year is wonderful. So, this post is really for me, not anyone else at all.

If we focus, and make commitments and not just decisions, we can accomplish much, especially if we have strategies in place to do so. So, my strategy for today is to head out and walk the streets of New York, getting exercise while I view the town in all of its splendor, eating well and spending less.

January 2016, I am ready for you!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged finances, new year goals, new years resolutions, new york city | Leave a comment

Thanksgiving and Thankfulness

Posted on December 4, 2015 by Patti Fralix

Thanksgiving 2015 has come and gone, and right behind it is Christmas! Before I get too immersed in Christmas preparations, I want to celebrate with a thankful heart the blessings of Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. The reasons for this are simple. Our family has been coming together in North Carolina (most years in Raleigh) from as far away as Maryland to Florida (and this year from California) for most of 30+ years. Our numbers have grown; this year we had 60 people! Most of the crowd is family, and some chosen family added in, ranging in age this year from 3 (our granddaughter Virginia) to soon to be 92 (Mike’s dad.) It is always a blessing to me that the family loves to be together so much that they travel the distance, putting up with the before and after traffic, and cook together for days to feed the crowd. For the Thanksgiving meal is only one meal of several that must be prepared, for we are feeding the crowd ,which is likely only 45-50 people for meals other than the main meal, although we didn’t count all of those, from Wednesday through Friday. There are also the tables to be set, dishes to be washed, and linens to be laundered. (For we have cloth napkins and mainly turkey plates, and not paper. Some of the adult children wanted red solo cups this year, but I was able to keep the glasses one more year!) However I was successful in convincing Mike to purchase a secondary dishwasher, which made the dish duty more manageable for everyone. When Mike wondered why we needed an additional dishwasher, I chose not to debate the issue, and he acquiesced, thankfully.

When I tell others the number of people we have at our Thanksgiving tables they are amazed, expressing wonder. I am quick to tell them that it is by no means me doing all of the work, for we are a family of cooks. It is quite a production, however, for the house is being prepared weeks before and there is the putting Thanksgiving away and doing laundry happening for days after. And it is worth every effort. Tales of Thanksgivings past, including the adult children telling the younger children how they advanced from a pallet on the floor to a bed, and all of the memories that are shared and created year to year, make all of the effort more than worth it.

I am so thankful for this family, everyone of them, and the love we all have for each other. We, like all families, have had some times when there was conflict, usually over unimportant things, but we hung in there as a family and weathered those times, and we are so much stronger as a family because of that. I am thankful that we have had the commitment to be together this one time a year, and think that such has something to do with keeping this family strong.

There will come a time when some of us are no longer here, or need to pass the torch because we are no longer physically able to do the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning. Hopefully the daughters and sons and nieces and nephews will pick up the torch, and carry on.

Even if it is with red solo cups.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged family, family gathering, holiday, holidays, Thanksgiving | Leave a comment

Monday Morning Quarterbacking

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Patti Fralix

Our world is reeling again, this time from several recent terrorist attacks. The most recent horrific attack hit Paris a few days ago, and at last count, left 132 people dead. There is concern that Washington, D.C. may be targeted, although the D.C. powers that be say there is no evidence of such. And once again, many “experts” in both political parties are pontificating about what should have happened, and of course, blaming Obama. Instead of focusing on what needs to happen now, uniting our country against the real villains, too many people in both parties are using these events as another way to slam our current President. Hindsight is always 20/20. So Monday morning quarterbacking is in full swing.

I grieve for us. As optimistic as I am, I am about to concede that the divisiveness between our two main political parties may be what destroys us, at least it destroys our spirit. This is not about political positions and ideologies, it is about negative and disruptive behavior that keeps us focused on the wrong things at a time when we need to be united against the real enemies. Instead, we are divided as a country against ourselves.

I do not plan to justify, defend or blame our president’s decisions, actions, or behavior for our current state of affairs. Nor do I blame President George Bush for 9/11 or Iraq. Nor do they get the credit for the good things that happened on their watch. And hopefully it is obvious to all that these two presidents are from two different political parties. These are both good men, and they would not have risen to the esteemed office of president were they not capable, at least capable of some things deemed important to the voters.

Although there is plenty of blame to go around, if any one person or group is to blame for our current divisiveness that could destroy our country, it is Congress. It is Congress that either works with a president or impedes his actions every step of the way. It is Congress that either can show public support for the leader of the free world, or make him a laughingstock of our country. The latter happened with George Bush, and it is happening again with Obama. This makes it so much easier for others including terrorists to find the weak links in our systems, and work diligently to destroy us. 9/11 was a major hit to this country, and of course an even more major hit to those who lost loved ones. We have mostly recovered, but it didn’t happen quickly or easily. Another major hit to the U.S. could destroy most of what this free world values. It would be a shame if we are coconspirators in our own demise.

So, what do we need to do? First, we need to stop the Monday morning quarterbacking, and respectfully and professionally through our differences focus on the present and future. There is nothing other than political posturing to be gained from bashing our current administration. It is time, past time really, to work with our current administration, to come together focused on solutions. Regardless of our beliefs about which party has the solutions or best answers to take us into the future, we need to band together now against our common enemy. We have ample opportunity in November 2016 to cast our one vote for who we think can best lead us into the future. Between now and then the political landscape will likely change again as it did a few days ago. There is a lot of ambiguity facing us in the next year. We need to hold tight to our ideals, respectfully disagree about strategies, but never, yes, never, bash our leaders. They need and deserve our full support as they navigate these unchartered waters.

I plan to start with me. I pledge to remain open minded and show support for the leaders in both parties, and not just listen to the loudest or the most entertaining, or the candidate I have already decided will get my vote next November. In my open mindedness, I just might change my mind about that! I am not one who posts things on Facebook about the opposite party, but I can have heated discussions with friends and family about politics. I pledge to ask more questions, and be less definitive about who I believe in until I get into the voting booth. I pledge to be more positive about all of our leaders, and I consider any people running for president to be a leader (at least by position if not by behavior,) and they deserve my thoughtful consideration of their candidacy.

My pledge reminds me of my husband Mike’s New Years resolution several years ago. After years of talking negatively about people in traffic, he vowed to make no negative comments to/about other drivers. And he kept his pledge, and not just for that year! And riding with him is now much more pleasant. He also has a phrase, “I feel strongly both ways,” meaning he understands both sides of many issues, and isn’t locked in to “My way or the highway thinking.” This is a great example of open mindedness, a quality more of us should exhibit.

No more Monday morning quarterbacking. No more negative talk. No more bashing people or parties with whom I disagree. Not even at Thanksgiving, with all of the relatives with different opinions together. That will be the real test!

That is my pledge. How about yours?

Posted in Leadership | Tagged Paris, pray for Paris, terrorist attacks | Leave a comment

Getting Comfortable with Ambiguity

Posted on November 10, 2015 by Patti Fralix

I have long since known that a high tolerance for ambiguity is a key factor in success and happiness. I have even spoken of this fact many times. I have learned of late that “knowing” something and truly experiencing it are quite different. At this time in my life I am at a major transition point, choosing to take my business in a different direction. Thus, I am facing ambiguity I have not known recently. And it is quite a different feeling to be without familiar anchors in one’s mid 60’s than it was in earlier years. I believe as we age we become more risk aversive, or at least more uncomfortable with risk. That is probably one of the main reasons that we need to force ourselves outside of our comfort zone. If we do so, we are likely to handle better changes that we can’t control. Easier to talk and write about than to do, however. So, what is necessary for us to manage life’s ambiguities?

First, we need to understand and accept that we don’t have total control of our life. Things will happen to us that are totally outside of our control. Health issues are one example of this. Now, while it is true that we can impact our health by our habits and behaviors, this is not the whole story. There are people who never smoked who battled lung cancer, athletes who die while running marathons, and others who smoke and drink a lot who live into their 90’s. Some believe that this is an example of life not being fair. Others believe (and I am one of them) that this is because someone else is in control, and while our actions certainly do matter, they do not tell the whole story. But what we can control we should, such as maintaining a healthy weight, having close relationships with others, and preparing for winter in spring.

We need to live intentionally, being true to ourselves and to those for whom we are responsible. This includes making decisions about what is our best life and living with purpose, so we can have as few regrets as possible. This includes having values, and remaining true to them, so when those times come when we are not sure of our next steps, our values and purpose can guide us. This can ground us in times of ambiguity.

Then, we need to trust ourselves, and the process. We need to believe that we will have what we need to not just survive, but to thrive. No, not at all times, but often enough. We need to trust that when we take the next step, the other steps will be clearer. Trusting ourselves involves self efficacy, the deep down belief that we are of value, and that we have what it takes to be our best, and to do our best. Now, belief is important, and then it is about the doing!

We have had some major problematic happenings in our world in the past few years. Remember 9/11/2001 that ended many lives and destroyed major buildings. Certainly the people most directly affected by that tragic event suffered through much ambiguity, and had to draw upon inner resources in a way most of us will never have to experience. Hurricane Katrina ten years ago could have destroyed most of New Orleans and surrounding areas, but the people of those areas and those who came to help refused to let that happen. During all of the ambiguity, they refused to quit, and pressed on to rebuild something even better than what had been destroyed. The financial crisis in the U.S. that began in 2008 and that has only recently begun to improve for many people is another example. Many people saw their life savings disappear, and were not able to retire for years longer than they had planned. Regardless of what caused the financial crises, regardless if they were the result of corporate and or government decisions, or due to the criminal behavior of individuals such as Bernie Madoff, life plans were changed in an instant, resulting in great ambiguity for millions of people.

Most of us have not and likely will not experience the significant life changing events like those just mentioned. The events we encounter that create great ambiguity for us are on a smaller scale. Nonetheless, when our world changes and we are not sure what will or should be our next steps, the earth seems to move, and we are not sure when it will settle, or even if it will.

When ambiguity strikes we can choose to look for the opportunities created, and not try to hold on to what has passed. It is at these times that we must trust ourselves, and trust the process.

And, hold on for the ride!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged ambiguity, dealing with change, living intentionally | Leave a comment

The Courage To Let Go

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Patti Fralix

Courage is a very big thing. It takes courage to face life’s big challenges, and we all know some people who are facing those. Such as the big C, and that does not refer to Courage, but to Cancer. I have a friend who has Cancer, and he faces it every day with courage and strength.

There are also those who are facing major transitions in their life, be they career changes, job losses, or losses of a different nature, such as the loss of loved ones. These are big life events that take Courage with a capital “C.”

Then there are the everyday events, and these too can take courage. Now I do not for one minute put the rest of this discussion of what takes courage on the same level as the big life events I just mentioned. But they take do take courage, at least for me.

Such as the courage to face the physical stuff one has, and to decide once and for all what is worth keeping, and to let go of the rest. I am dealing with this issue, and hope to conquer this by the end of the year. Now that is an aggressive timeframe. Just think about it. This is the very time of the year when we usually accumulate stuff, not get rid of it. But I am determined anyway. My goal is to go through every drawer, closet, cabinet, and box in every room, and make these decisions, and not just that, but have the courage to follow through. The follow through will, of course, be the hard part.

Now this is an issue that I have struggled with for years, the accumulation of stuff, including magazines and papers. It is fairly common for me to clean the kitchen counter off and my desk by putting everything on those spaces in a box in a closet, with the plan to go through the box later. I just went through two of those boxes, and found little that I had missed or needed to keep. So, unlike other times, this time I threw away most of what was in those boxes.

My stimulus for this is a new friend. We talked recently about our businesses, and how to collaborate for mutual benefit. This new friend is a delight, and she said some things that resonated with me. Her business is Raleigh Green Gables, and she is a professional organizer. We talked about how difficult it is to focus and find clarity when we have stuff everywhere. I believe that, I just struggle with letting go. I know that my issue with this comes from my childhood, and not having much of my own, including not having a stable home life. One of my regrets is that I do not have anything tangible from my childhood. Without realizing it, perhaps my need to hold onto so much comes from that. But at soon to be 64 years of age, it is time to conquer that! I believe that I will this time.

I have read all of the books on organizing, including the one many people are talking about lately, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Now, I loved that book, but I do not plan for my clearing out to be that extreme. As much as I want to change and plan to change, I will never be a minimalist. However, I do plan for my change to be noticeable to my husband, who said years ago, “When are you going to stop reading all those books and do something about what is in them?!” Touché.

My business tag line is “Inspiring Positive Change.” I believe that Ghandi was right when he said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

A relative of mine asked me recently why I was so open about some things I posted in a recent Blog. That was easy for me to answer. I want to be authentic, warts and all. I have found that it helps others when speakers and consultants are honest about their challenges, without wallowing around in them. Although I never have put myself on a pedestal, sometimes my audiences have. Acknowledging my weaknesses and struggles just may help others deal more effectively with theirs.

I am a work in process, and my growth will not be finished until I have taken my last breath, hopefully. I want to continue to learn and grow, and share my lessons learned with others.

Courage. I have given you a glimpse into my current struggle, and noted how courage is needed to stay the course to conquer challenges.

But enough about me. What are your challenges requiring Courage?

Posted in Relationships | Tagged business blog, courage, Leadership, organization | Leave a comment

Relationships Through The Years

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Patti Fralix

When asked, most people would list relationships, especially family and friends, as most important, yet their calendar would indicate otherwise. This time of the year many are with family more than at other times. But what about friends? Do you make it a priority to schedule concentrated time with friends? While I often write about that which I need to hear, my calendar reflects I make time with friends a priority.

My husband and I just returned home from a wonderful three- day weekend with three other couples at our beach place. Three of these couples have been friends for more than 30 years. The other couple is a more recent friendship to me and Mike, yet it feels like a thirty- year friendship. We live in different cities, yet make the effort to get together for a weekend 2-3 times a year, and the other three couples even more often since they live and/or have property in the same city.

On these weekends we cook, eat, have long talks, shop, play golf, and relax. Technology is not the focus of these times together, connecting on a fun and meaningful level is our priority. On this recent weekend we had six al fresco meals, sunset watching on the deck, and much conversation. I am always nourished from these times together, and in more ways than the food.

We all have children and spend time with them throughout the year, as well as other family. We all have other friends, and spend time with them as well. Most of us still work, and have busy social lives. Even so, we make time together with these couples friends a priority.

While cleaning up from the weekend, I was thinking about these times, and what makes them so special. There are more reasons that this, but I will list three. First of all, there is absolutely no competition among these friends, only connection. Meaning, there is no defensiveness, no one upmanship, and no keeping up with the Joneses. Instead, there is mutuality, including sharing food chores. This time the other three couples insisted on bringing much of the food and preparing most of the meals, although Mike and I were the hosts. I initially balked at that and asked “what makes that fair?” The response was that there are six of them and two of us! I could tell that the offer was so sincere that I couldn’t refuse. The other variable is that we have common ground. We like to do the same kind of things, have similar values (other than political, and I am the odd one out on that!) and are similar in ages and experiences. (Similar enough in age that is, ranging from 62-76, and the 76 year- old runs circles around the rest of us!)

I think there is great value in making the time and effort to keep relationships like this alive, and it takes time and effort to do so. We are in another group of couples that get together once a year as guests of one of the couples. There are five couples in this group, and the hosts insist on doing most of the cooking, and sometimes all of it!

We have other couples friends that we have been close to thorough the years, and still are, yet we don’t make the same time and effort to be together on a scheduled basis. And being too busy should not be an excuse for us; everyone is busy.

And then there are friends who were couples friends, and one of them is no longer here. We all know that losing a spouse will happen to all of some at some point. Well, we all “know” that, but fail to keep the reality of that in focus enough or we would make some different decisions. This reality reminds me of a question a close friend of mine asks herself since her husband died. “What would I have done or said if I had known that would be the last time I would see him?” Those of us who still have our spouse should reword that and not forget that life can change on the dime, and an ordinary day can become an extraordinary one. And then, divorce or other separation has divided some couples friends.

And unfortunately, there are friends from whom we are estranged, for different reasons. I am thinking of one friend who lost a very close friendship with a couple who had been more family than friends. This break was due to differences that should have not reached the level they did, but competition, jealousy, and pride severed the relationship. After many attempts to repair the relationship, my friend finally decided that it was damaged past the point where that would be possible. Still, the sense of loss is profound.

If you are fortunate enough to have couples friends and aren’t spending scheduled time with them, you can change that if you want to, with a commitment to do so. If you need to develop those relationships, take the first step. The time commitment of course does not have to be two to three weekends a year. Decide together whatever regularity is doable and that will keep the connection alive.

A few words for young couples. Make time together with your friends a priority. Yes, many of you have small children, work fulltime, and do not have as much disposable income as you need. Do it anyway. It may be a once a month or quarter dinner together, that could very well grow into more through the years. And put the technology down when you are together and connect on a human level. From your example your children will learn the value of close relationships. Community on a larger scale can result. And couldn’t we all benefit from that?

Posted in Relationships | Tagged friendship, friendships, relationships | 1 Comment

Hope & Focus

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Patti Fralix

At my soon to be 64 years, I am well aware that I will run out of life before I run out of living. I do not know when that will happen, but I do know that it will likely be before I am ready. Unlike someone who I have known for many years, who I just heard recently took his own life. I have not seen this person for many years, and he was not a friend, but a professional connection. I do not know what took him to that place of no return, but I do believe when someone commits suicide, they have reached the end of what they are able to take. They have lost hope that their situation, circumstances, their very life, can improve.

I have been near that point only once in my life. I remember it clearly. I had no plan, and I don’t think I seriously considered taking the action. (I believe some reading this have also had suicide thoughts, and some may have acted upon those.) What I do remember very vividly was the feeling of utter hopelessness and grief. Thankfully at that point I reached deep down and prayed, and my prayer was answered. The circumstances that put me there did not change quickly, but my desire for self preservation became stronger than what I was feeling. I made the decision to never get to that point again, and I haven’t. I am not taking full credit for this. I am very grateful that my life has been rich and full, and not in monetary ways, but in relationships, and experiences. But I did make a decision to not let anyone or anything put me in such a dark place ever again.

I do not know the circumstances that were involved in this man’s life that resulted in his death, other than I was told that his decision to end his life came as a shock to those closest to him. Someone close to him said all that is known by his friends is that he was under a lot of stress. It has been said that stress kills. The context of this saying is usually that stress can create major physical changes in our body, resulting in conditions such as heart attacks and death. In this case, it seems that whatever stress was occurring was more than he could take any longer. How very tragic. I am so saddened by this, sad first of all for him. And sad for his family and loved ones, who will live with this tragedy forever.

It seems that suicide is a decision more people are making lately. We need to talk about it. The threat of suicide is real, and we need to recognize the signs, when there are signs. We need to be close enough to our family and friends to be able to help them through whatever situations result in them losing hope, or losing the desire to live. (And this is in no way implying family and friends of the man I have referenced missed the signs. It seems there weren’t any.)

I am so humbled by the glory of my life, and not that it is problem free by any means. But even though I am aging, I hope that I have many years of good health and life left. I feel responsible to do my best to live my life to the fullest. The challenge is figuring out what that is for me at this point in my life. I must focus on how to best live my passion, my purpose, now. I have been very clear about that in years past; not as much so lately. What I am most passionate about is clear. And I have more than one passion; family is one. But my purpose is something different. Purpose is more about who I am to be, more than what I am to do.

I am reminded of something Diane von Furstenberg said last year when I heard her speak at a conference. She was talking about the early days of her career, and said, “I did not know what I wanted to do, but I was very clear about who I wanted to be.”

Regardless of how long or well we live, we only have one life on this planet. It would seem that living our best life requires focus, and deciding who we are here to be.

When I sat down to write this week’s Blog post, I had a different plan than what is here. I only hope that this focus meets a need for at least one reader.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged focus, hope, purpose, suicide prevention | Leave a comment