It's In The Sauce!

The Courage To Let Go

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Patti Fralix

Courage is a very big thing. It takes courage to face life’s big challenges, and we all know some people who are facing those. Such as the big C, and that does not refer to Courage, but to Cancer. I have a friend who has Cancer, and he faces it every day with courage and strength.

There are also those who are facing major transitions in their life, be they career changes, job losses, or losses of a different nature, such as the loss of loved ones. These are big life events that take Courage with a capital “C.”

Then there are the everyday events, and these too can take courage. Now I do not for one minute put the rest of this discussion of what takes courage on the same level as the big life events I just mentioned. But they take do take courage, at least for me.

Such as the courage to face the physical stuff one has, and to decide once and for all what is worth keeping, and to let go of the rest. I am dealing with this issue, and hope to conquer this by the end of the year. Now that is an aggressive timeframe. Just think about it. This is the very time of the year when we usually accumulate stuff, not get rid of it. But I am determined anyway. My goal is to go through every drawer, closet, cabinet, and box in every room, and make these decisions, and not just that, but have the courage to follow through. The follow through will, of course, be the hard part.

Now this is an issue that I have struggled with for years, the accumulation of stuff, including magazines and papers. It is fairly common for me to clean the kitchen counter off and my desk by putting everything on those spaces in a box in a closet, with the plan to go through the box later. I just went through two of those boxes, and found little that I had missed or needed to keep. So, unlike other times, this time I threw away most of what was in those boxes.

My stimulus for this is a new friend. We talked recently about our businesses, and how to collaborate for mutual benefit. This new friend is a delight, and she said some things that resonated with me. Her business is Raleigh Green Gables, and she is a professional organizer. We talked about how difficult it is to focus and find clarity when we have stuff everywhere. I believe that, I just struggle with letting go. I know that my issue with this comes from my childhood, and not having much of my own, including not having a stable home life. One of my regrets is that I do not have anything tangible from my childhood. Without realizing it, perhaps my need to hold onto so much comes from that. But at soon to be 64 years of age, it is time to conquer that! I believe that I will this time.

I have read all of the books on organizing, including the one many people are talking about lately, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Now, I loved that book, but I do not plan for my clearing out to be that extreme. As much as I want to change and plan to change, I will never be a minimalist. However, I do plan for my change to be noticeable to my husband, who said years ago, “When are you going to stop reading all those books and do something about what is in them?!” Touché.

My business tag line is “Inspiring Positive Change.” I believe that Ghandi was right when he said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

A relative of mine asked me recently why I was so open about some things I posted in a recent Blog. That was easy for me to answer. I want to be authentic, warts and all. I have found that it helps others when speakers and consultants are honest about their challenges, without wallowing around in them. Although I never have put myself on a pedestal, sometimes my audiences have. Acknowledging my weaknesses and struggles just may help others deal more effectively with theirs.

I am a work in process, and my growth will not be finished until I have taken my last breath, hopefully. I want to continue to learn and grow, and share my lessons learned with others.

Courage. I have given you a glimpse into my current struggle, and noted how courage is needed to stay the course to conquer challenges.

But enough about me. What are your challenges requiring Courage?

Posted in Relationships | Tagged business blog, courage, Leadership, organization | Leave a comment

Relationships Through The Years

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Patti Fralix

When asked, most people would list relationships, especially family and friends, as most important, yet their calendar would indicate otherwise. This time of the year many are with family more than at other times. But what about friends? Do you make it a priority to schedule concentrated time with friends? While I often write about that which I need to hear, my calendar reflects I make time with friends a priority.

My husband and I just returned home from a wonderful three- day weekend with three other couples at our beach place. Three of these couples have been friends for more than 30 years. The other couple is a more recent friendship to me and Mike, yet it feels like a thirty- year friendship. We live in different cities, yet make the effort to get together for a weekend 2-3 times a year, and the other three couples even more often since they live and/or have property in the same city.

On these weekends we cook, eat, have long talks, shop, play golf, and relax. Technology is not the focus of these times together, connecting on a fun and meaningful level is our priority. On this recent weekend we had six al fresco meals, sunset watching on the deck, and much conversation. I am always nourished from these times together, and in more ways than the food.

We all have children and spend time with them throughout the year, as well as other family. We all have other friends, and spend time with them as well. Most of us still work, and have busy social lives. Even so, we make time together with these couples friends a priority.

While cleaning up from the weekend, I was thinking about these times, and what makes them so special. There are more reasons that this, but I will list three. First of all, there is absolutely no competition among these friends, only connection. Meaning, there is no defensiveness, no one upmanship, and no keeping up with the Joneses. Instead, there is mutuality, including sharing food chores. This time the other three couples insisted on bringing much of the food and preparing most of the meals, although Mike and I were the hosts. I initially balked at that and asked “what makes that fair?” The response was that there are six of them and two of us! I could tell that the offer was so sincere that I couldn’t refuse. The other variable is that we have common ground. We like to do the same kind of things, have similar values (other than political, and I am the odd one out on that!) and are similar in ages and experiences. (Similar enough in age that is, ranging from 62-76, and the 76 year- old runs circles around the rest of us!)

I think there is great value in making the time and effort to keep relationships like this alive, and it takes time and effort to do so. We are in another group of couples that get together once a year as guests of one of the couples. There are five couples in this group, and the hosts insist on doing most of the cooking, and sometimes all of it!

We have other couples friends that we have been close to thorough the years, and still are, yet we don’t make the same time and effort to be together on a scheduled basis. And being too busy should not be an excuse for us; everyone is busy.

And then there are friends who were couples friends, and one of them is no longer here. We all know that losing a spouse will happen to all of some at some point. Well, we all “know” that, but fail to keep the reality of that in focus enough or we would make some different decisions. This reality reminds me of a question a close friend of mine asks herself since her husband died. “What would I have done or said if I had known that would be the last time I would see him?” Those of us who still have our spouse should reword that and not forget that life can change on the dime, and an ordinary day can become an extraordinary one. And then, divorce or other separation has divided some couples friends.

And unfortunately, there are friends from whom we are estranged, for different reasons. I am thinking of one friend who lost a very close friendship with a couple who had been more family than friends. This break was due to differences that should have not reached the level they did, but competition, jealousy, and pride severed the relationship. After many attempts to repair the relationship, my friend finally decided that it was damaged past the point where that would be possible. Still, the sense of loss is profound.

If you are fortunate enough to have couples friends and aren’t spending scheduled time with them, you can change that if you want to, with a commitment to do so. If you need to develop those relationships, take the first step. The time commitment of course does not have to be two to three weekends a year. Decide together whatever regularity is doable and that will keep the connection alive.

A few words for young couples. Make time together with your friends a priority. Yes, many of you have small children, work fulltime, and do not have as much disposable income as you need. Do it anyway. It may be a once a month or quarter dinner together, that could very well grow into more through the years. And put the technology down when you are together and connect on a human level. From your example your children will learn the value of close relationships. Community on a larger scale can result. And couldn’t we all benefit from that?

Posted in Relationships | Tagged friendship, friendships, relationships | 1 Comment

Hope & Focus

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Patti Fralix

At my soon to be 64 years, I am well aware that I will run out of life before I run out of living. I do not know when that will happen, but I do know that it will likely be before I am ready. Unlike someone who I have known for many years, who I just heard recently took his own life. I have not seen this person for many years, and he was not a friend, but a professional connection. I do not know what took him to that place of no return, but I do believe when someone commits suicide, they have reached the end of what they are able to take. They have lost hope that their situation, circumstances, their very life, can improve.

I have been near that point only once in my life. I remember it clearly. I had no plan, and I don’t think I seriously considered taking the action. (I believe some reading this have also had suicide thoughts, and some may have acted upon those.) What I do remember very vividly was the feeling of utter hopelessness and grief. Thankfully at that point I reached deep down and prayed, and my prayer was answered. The circumstances that put me there did not change quickly, but my desire for self preservation became stronger than what I was feeling. I made the decision to never get to that point again, and I haven’t. I am not taking full credit for this. I am very grateful that my life has been rich and full, and not in monetary ways, but in relationships, and experiences. But I did make a decision to not let anyone or anything put me in such a dark place ever again.

I do not know the circumstances that were involved in this man’s life that resulted in his death, other than I was told that his decision to end his life came as a shock to those closest to him. Someone close to him said all that is known by his friends is that he was under a lot of stress. It has been said that stress kills. The context of this saying is usually that stress can create major physical changes in our body, resulting in conditions such as heart attacks and death. In this case, it seems that whatever stress was occurring was more than he could take any longer. How very tragic. I am so saddened by this, sad first of all for him. And sad for his family and loved ones, who will live with this tragedy forever.

It seems that suicide is a decision more people are making lately. We need to talk about it. The threat of suicide is real, and we need to recognize the signs, when there are signs. We need to be close enough to our family and friends to be able to help them through whatever situations result in them losing hope, or losing the desire to live. (And this is in no way implying family and friends of the man I have referenced missed the signs. It seems there weren’t any.)

I am so humbled by the glory of my life, and not that it is problem free by any means. But even though I am aging, I hope that I have many years of good health and life left. I feel responsible to do my best to live my life to the fullest. The challenge is figuring out what that is for me at this point in my life. I must focus on how to best live my passion, my purpose, now. I have been very clear about that in years past; not as much so lately. What I am most passionate about is clear. And I have more than one passion; family is one. But my purpose is something different. Purpose is more about who I am to be, more than what I am to do.

I am reminded of something Diane von Furstenberg said last year when I heard her speak at a conference. She was talking about the early days of her career, and said, “I did not know what I wanted to do, but I was very clear about who I wanted to be.”

Regardless of how long or well we live, we only have one life on this planet. It would seem that living our best life requires focus, and deciding who we are here to be.

When I sat down to write this week’s Blog post, I had a different plan than what is here. I only hope that this focus meets a need for at least one reader.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged focus, hope, purpose, suicide prevention | Leave a comment

Creating A Healthy Workplace

Posted on October 15, 2015 by Patti Fralix

Since 1993 my career has been focused on creating positive change in work, life and family for individuals, teams, and systems. One of my passions is creating happier, healthier, and productive workplaces. My reason for this is that most people spend more time in paid work than they spend with their families, and if those work environments aren’t positive and healthy, the people aren’t healthy, and that is carried home with them. I am referring to the holistic definition of health, not just physical health. What I am really referring to is the health of environments that makes people want to go to work, not dread it.

The research is clear on what makes people feel satisfied and stimulated at work, and what doesn’t. The most important people to others at work are those who they work closest with, and the one to whom they report, i.e., their manager. Although we want to believe that the passion of the work and the company are important to workers, sometimes those things matter, and sometimes they don’t. What does matter are the people one works closest with at work and their manager. Management does not pay enough attention to this issue.

Too may companies have profit and productivity as their God, and consider the staff as cogs in the wheel directed to those ends. One negative outcome of this is that the happiness and the health of the staff is of little if any concern to management or the company. These same companies are not concerned enough about healthy workplaces, job enrichment, or retention. They fail to consider the direct linkage between happy employees, productivity, and financial stability of the company. Turnover is very expensive. There are so many revolving doors in some businesses that the Human Resources Department can’t focus on job enrichment and other important employee retention strategies. They are spending most of their time plugging the staffing holes due to turnover.

Most people want to do good work. When they don’t, the system is often at fault. Of course there are people who only work for the paycheck, but not as many of those as is sometimes thought. More often than not when workers are not engaged, management has failed to create the culture to inspire and develop others.

Creating a culture that inspires and develops to do their best work isn’t magic. It does not require extraordinary measures. What it does require is a recognition of the value of workers, and a willingness to do all that one can do to provide an environment which makes doing one’s best a priority.

How to create this environment is the topic of a future Blog.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged healthy workplace, work environment | Leave a comment

Thinking Outside The Triangle™

Posted on October 8, 2015 by Patti Fralix

Many business people today are well aware that innovation is the key to success in the present and future. Not nearly as many people are clear about how to make innovation happen. Too may of us are simply doing the same things in a slightly different way, expecting dramatic positive results. Innovation is different than that. Innovation is not “Thinking Outside the Box.” Just think about that. How long have you heard that phrase, “Thinking Outside the Box?” Likely, for many years. Now, how innovative is that?! Not very. That is just a very simple example of the fact that we are not usually very good at doing things differently, in large part because we don’t think differently. To do differently requires that we think differently.

My husband Mike coined the term “Thinking Outside the Triangle” years ago, and trademarked the phrase. Our plan is that we will write a book together by this title in the near future. We have already made some decisions about the book. One of those decisions is that the book will have three sections: Leadership, Change, and Innovation. What we are not yet settled on is the right order of those sections. So, I am inviting my readers to “weigh in” on this.

Does Change result in Leadership that drives Innovation? Does Leadership drive Change that results in Innovation? Does Innovation result in Change that drives Leadership? Most likely a case can be made for at least two of these, and perhaps all three. But what is the most logical order? We are interested in building the model that can be replicated and result in needed improvements for companies, societies and even families. For the model to be most helpful it is important to make the right decision regarding the best order of these three: Change, Innovation, and Leadership.

There are some “givens” to this project. One is that the focus of the book will be business, but the principles can apply to individuals, groups and families. Another is that we are very clear about our definitions and descriptions of Change, Leadership, and Innovation, including those things that stimulate these, and what prohibits them. We both have many years of business experience (and life experience!) and have found that our greater lessons are not in our successes, but in our failures. We plan to be honest about those, yet appropriately protect the confidentiality of others.

In future posts I will be discussing Leadership, Change, and Innovation. I am glad to add any perspectives of others who share those, and give permission for such. Let’s get a dialogue going of these important ideas. For after all, regardless of our individual perspectives on the best order for Innovation, Change, and Leadership, we all benefit when they are present. Yes, even Change, which we resist too often.

I look forward to your thoughts.

Posted in Leadership | Tagged apple, business, change, innovation, Leadership, Nelson Mandela | Leave a comment

God Bless Us Everyone

Posted on October 2, 2015 by Patti Fralix

How many shootings will have to occur in the U.S. before we begin to solve the underlying problems of our society that result in these tragic events? Before saying anything else, I must express my sincere condolences to the families, loved ones and the communities of this latest mass shooting in Oregon. There is no way I, who has not suffered through anything like this, can even begin to understand. But I can, once again as I have done before, express the sympathies of my heart to those who are dealing with this on a personal level. My involvement is on a societal level, and I implore us to band together to solve the problems that create the circumstances that make these horrific happenings possible.

This is apparently the 142^nd shooting in a school in this country in less than 20 years. That is a shocking statistic. I do not know if there are any theories as to why so many mass shootings happen in schools. Just think about it; a place where our students should be able to go and never have to worry about their safety and security. I grieve for my grandchildren and your children and grandchildren; they are growing up in a world in which situations such as these have become far too commonplace. And thinking of our teachers; how do they focus on teaching with this added dimension of responsibility?

I had another Blog Post prepared, and had to put it aside for another time when this happened today. How could I post something on business and change, as if today is a normal day? At times like this we need to stop and take stock of what is happening around us and to us.

I do not want to talk about or focus on guns. Guns, as bad as they may be as a vehicle for tragedies such as today’s, are not the main problem. I am not implying that we do not need to have tougher gun laws; I believe we do.

Nor do I want to talk about mental health. I suppose it is a given that someone who commits mass killings is not mentally healthy. Mental health is, like guns, a big issue, and one for which there are no easy answers or solutions.

What I do want to talk about is love. We need to make our children and adults love themselves and others so much that taking a gun and killing themselves or others is unthinkable. Yes, love. Love is the answer to this problem.

The best solution to this problem is people who love themselves, meaning that they know they are worthy of being loved and have healthy self esteem to the degree that they would never want to harm themselves or others. Love. As simple as that. As simple and as complex.

Instead of being and feeling loved too much of our time is consumed by people who rant and rave about all manner of things, including ideologies, politics, vehicle driving behavior, and other things. Why can’t we just discuss our differences without all of the negativity? Why can’t we let others be who they are without feeling that who they are isn’t ok?

I am so grieved by these killings. While I am not able to accept the circumstances and or emotions that result in this behavior, I have to try to understand that something is terribly missing in the lives of people who are able to resort to these terrible actions. I have to accept that there are people who for reasons I can’t begin to truly understand, are lacking something that would make their horrific actions impossible.

To me, what is lacking is love. Love of self and others.

And while I know it isn’t this simple, love can solve a multitude of problems. And not much else can.

And in the words of Tiny Tim, God bless us everyone.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

We Are Never Off Duty

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Patti Fralix

Some of you will remember the wise words of your mother, telling you to always make sure that you are wearing clean with no holes underwear, in case you are involved in an accident! A nurse friend of mine testifies to the fact that staff in hospital emergency rooms pay attention to this! This is perhaps an extreme example of “We Are Never Off Duty,” but it is an example. How many times have you worn something in which you look less than your best, to just run into the grocery store, hoping that you don’t see someone that you know?! (And of course you do!) These are only two examples of “We are Never Off Duty.” There are many others.

Don’t mistake this point as meaning that you can never be casual; of course you can, but you should not be sloppy. What this really means is that who we are and how we want the world to see us is represented in our outward appearance and behavior. I am reminded of the phrase, “Who you are speaks so loudly, I can’t hear what you say.” As such, I had no choice yesterday but to respond to a Facebook posting of a 4^th grade teacher who was making a political statement, with an obscene gesture and cleavage showing. I do not even recall her exact political position; I could not get past the fact that she was so inappropriately dressed and making an obscene gesture, and that she is a poor role model to our children and grandchildren.

I ignore so many of these Facebook postings, but I could not ignore this latest one. If this 4^th grade teacher did not know how inappropriate she was, regardless of the position she was taking on the issue, then someone needed to tell her! I have ignored some of my family’s inappropriate Facebook postings, for I have not been willing to risk offending not just them but their parents and grandparents. I suppose it is easier to take those risks with those whom we do not know. This reinforces that these Facebook “friends” aren’t really friends at all, at least not in a manner that we are willing to take the risk to honestly express our opinions. And I realize that there is a fine line here. We need to be careful about judging others. We do need to be careful that we do not inappropriately evaluate others by our standards. But when we put our thoughts out into the public sphere, such as I do in this blog post, we are opening ourselves up to the opinions of others. Some of those opinions will be positive, and some negative. And when we give those opinions we can still be kind in how we say what we say. (I am not so sure that how I replied to that Facebook posting was a kind as it could have been.)

Fanny Brice said many years ago, “Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be. For sooner or later if you are posing you will forget the pose, then where will you be?” This quote speaks to the main message of this; authenticity. Does your outward appearance and behavior represent who you really are, and how you want to be perceived?” For if there is a disconnect between what we say and what we do, people judge us based upon their perception of what we do. An example. I am a direct communicator, and some would say, too direct! While I may hear myself as being direct, others can hear me as being too direct, and even directive, or aggressive. Once I really integrated this, I have worked hard to still be direct, but not too direct, or directive. When I am on my best behavior, I try to remember to soften my voice, since direct language and a harsh tone magnify each other. And this is even more important when we are communicating in writing, for the written word lacks the nonverbal aspects of communication that can “soften” the written word. I will be honest and admit that this isn’t easy for me; sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I fail. I am a work in process.

Recognizing that we are “never off duty,” are we comfortable with who we are? If so, great! If not, let’s choose one aspect of our appearance or behavior that we want to change, and begin the process today. Forward movement, even one small step at the time, will get us closer to who we want to be.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged authenticity, pope | Leave a comment

Vacation Spending

Posted on September 16, 2015 by Patti Fralix

The book I wrote ten years ago, A Year in the Life of a Recovering Spendaholic, will be published by the end of this year. This book chronicles my journey of not purchasing anything for myself for a full year. (There are a couple of qualifications of “not purchasing anything,” but those can be found by reading the book!) This book is being published nine years after I had planned for it to be published. There is no excuse for the delay, other than the obvious; I just did not get it done any earlier! This reminds me of my other book, How to Thrive in Spite of Mess, Stress and Less! It was published in 2002, and was written over six years. Although I was concerned at first that it took so long for me to finish writing that first book, when it was finally published, I decided that the timing was perfect. It was soon after 9/11, and the issues people were dealing with as a result of 9/11 were so much more problematic then than any issues people would have been dealing with the few years earlier. I learned from that experience that although we may not know why or how at the time, sometimes we just need to trust the process. I am trusting the process again as this book is published. I am learning to go with the flow.

Now that this latest book is soon to be published, I am very focused on its message, and not even consciously. It is only when I am thinking later that I realize how the lessons of the book are guiding my steps along the way. This reminds me that when we are going in the direction of our dreams, we do not have to think of our next steps. Our next steps become second nature.

A recent example is my vacation spending. In previous years, I spent much more money than I spent on this latest vacation, and spending less this time was not by any act of will. I never developed a plan for how much money I would spend on this recent vacation. I just did not spend very much, even in the absence of a plan. Most of the few things that I did purchase were gifts for other people. It was actually a surprise to me when I realized how little I had spent on myself. This reinforced to me the value of making a commitment, such as publishing this book by the end of the year, and that when we do, the stars seem to line up for us.

One lesson I learned about myself in my year of not spending money on myself was the importance of keeping track of my spending on a daily basis. The same is true of counting calories, or points, or carbs, or whatever. I am much more successful when I count, and write it down, and review it regularly. This is so second nature to my husband, Mike. To me it is not second nature at all; it is a daily discipline that I have to adhere to, or the end of the week or month is upon me, and I am out of money and calories.

I hope that in being so vulnerable with my readers, some others can benefit from my work on these issues. It certainly isn’t fun to acknowledge these weaknesses, but it is the truth. And didn’t someone say, “Let the truth set you free?!”

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged budget, money, spending freeze, vacation spending | Leave a comment

Making The Most Of Every Day

Posted on September 8, 2015 by Patti Fralix

How often do we fast forward in our thinking, worrying about how soon a wonderful day or week will pass? I am having that experience now. For the past 15 years my husband and I have been going to St. Maarten/St. Martin in the Caribbean for two weeks. It is a wonderful vacation, filled with great food, shopping and relaxation. Most years we have family or friends join us for some of the time. This year we were joined the first week by our good friends Pam and Butch from Alabama. They came for four days, and tropical storm Erika gave them an additional two days, and us that additional time with them.

I am writing this as these two weeks come to an end. Mike and I will be going home soon. I am usually ready to go home when the time comes, and I am this year as well. I do, however, usually fast forward in my thinking and wonder what the next year will bring. I am more aware this year than previous years that health and other challenges can interfere with our plans. Last year at this time I was very healthy and twelve pounds lighter. I exercise walked many days, and was able to do anything physical that I chose to. Soon after arriving home from this two-week vacation last September I developed bursitis in both hips, a condition that’s still with me. I give the bursitis most of the credit for the weight gain, and all of the credit for the pain that has precluded me from exercising. And these two are related. I can’t help but wonder what this next year will bring. And I am well aware that it could be worse than bursitis. I have always been healthy, healthier than I probably deserve. Although now with the bursitis I may have a little bit of an “excuse” to not exercise much, I could have taken better care of my body all along, including eating better and exercising consistently. But I can’t change what I should have done before now; I can only decide what I will do now. One thing I want to do is focus on the present, letting go of the past, and not worrying about the future. Easier to write about than to do, but I plan to do my best to live in the present.

The present is a gift, regardless of whether it is exactly the gift we want. Even with our aches and pains, we are alive, and some whom we loved aren’t. I am saddened by that thought, and humbled by the gift of life that I still have. Yes, I read the obituaries, and count! I hope that I am not the only one who reads the ages and counts. You know what I mean. And we also know how useless the counting is. Age is no determinant of longevity, although I suppose it is true that the older we are the more our days may be numbered. And it is also true that the older we are, the faster time goes. And dwelling on that does nothing to change it. So, it seems to make sense to make the most of every day, whether the days are in St. Maarten, or home doing laundry.

We are heading into the busiest time of the year, and could feel overwhelmed by all of the holidays that will soon be upon us. Instead, what if we take each day as it comes, and rejoice in it? If we remain in the present each day, making it the best it can be, we will be more centered and grounded. The peace and calm that will come from that one decision may be all that we need to enjoy the present, which is, after all, the only time we really have. Let’s enjoy each day.

Posted in Relationships | 1 Comment

The SAUCE of Choices

Posted on September 2, 2015 by Patti Fralix

SAUCE is all about choices. The best sauces are a combination of flavors and ingredients, not just one. And we vary in our selection of the “best” sauce, the one that is best due to our own taste. The same is true of other choices we make.

Marissa Mayer, Yahoo’s CEO, is once again giving us a lightening rod topic of conversation; the choice of the decisions we make regarding work and family. Mayer is pregnant with twins, and has announced that she will work as she did when she was pregnant with her three-year-old son, taking very little time off during her pregnancy and after her delivery. I can hear the uproar on many fronts, especially from other women. I am no longer surprised that women complain about other women and the choices they make, but I am always disappointed when it happens. (To some, this is referred to as, “eating their own.”)

We hear it everywhere. One of the best current examples is Carly about Hillary. If Hillary is also doing the same with Carly, I have not heard it. And yes, men complain about other men also, but not usually about their choices, and the impact is quite different. When women “eat their own” it creates a feeding frenzy unlike any other. Women still have too far to go to have a level playing field to allow their own insecurities about the choices they made/make to divide them.

Let’s establish some variables about this issue. One variable is that one of the most important outcomes of the Women’s Movement many years ago was supposed to be to expand the choices women had. While that has happened, many women are no more comfortable with those choices than they were previously. Many women remain conflicted about the choices they made in combining work and family. While that is understandable and should be accepted, what is not acceptable is to expect other women to make the same choices, or be labeled in a variety of negative ways. This is predominately an issue with women, not men. And it is an issue of socialization. It is also an issue more with middle and upper income women; women from lower socioeconomic status do not often have these choices, there is no choice. This is also true for some middle income families. But it is a choice and not a necessity for many other families, even if to exercise the choice would result in other less desirable outcomes. Let’s be clear about this. There is often more “choice” involved than we admit.

It is extremely difficult to balance a job with many responsibilities with a busy family life. But many people do it every day, without complaining or expecting other families to mimic their own. And what is the impact of these choices on the children from these different experiences? The best answer to this question is varied. We probably all know adults who grew up in the traditional family model; a dad who worked outside of the home and a mom whose work was the children and home. And although this model of work and family is no longer common, it should be just as valued as any other model. There are also families we all know in which both parents worked outside of the home and others, including day cares and other care providers, cared for the children. I know successful adults from both of these family models, and I also know “troubled” adult children from both. It is much too simplistic to think that this choice alone will determine the happiness or success of the children. If it were this simple, all of us could make easier choices about these matters.

The research on these issues seems to reflect that the more important variable is how comfortable one is with their choice, not the choice itself. And I think herein lies the basis for the animosity of some women toward the choices other women make. And herein also lies the solution to the problem. We need to be comfortable with the choices we make and stop complaining; stop complaining about our own situation and how that compares to others’. The most destructive of this complaining is not the venting to our friends, but the accusing others of making bad choices. Who are we to judge the choices others make? This is arrogance at its finest.

Back to Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer. Her experience as a mother most likely is the reason she dramatically expanded leave for both new mothers and fathers. While her choice was to take two weeks leave with the birth of her son, she has not held others to her same standard. The maternity leave she executed at Yahoo is one of the most liberal for any U.S. company. While the choice is there, some will take advantage of it, and some won’t, for reasons that are uniquely their own. But please, do not use the argument that if the CEO doesn’t take advantage of the liberal maternity leave policy, others really can’t. Surely we have come too far for that thinking.

Marissa Mayer is a great example of a leader, improving things for others, and being comfortable with her own choices.

The question is, are we comfortable with ours?

Posted in Leadership, Relationships, SAUCE | Tagged choices, relationships, SAUCE | Leave a comment