It's In The Sauce!

Have you noticed how often important details are not read in your emails? Or when you know you said something that the other person said you didn’t say that? Or how often you have to repeat more than once deadlines others need to keep if there is any hope that they will? Don’t think that you are alone! People Don’t Read, People Don’t Listen. And it is getting worse! But don’t despair, there are things you can do to increase the likelihood that what you say and write will be heard and acted upon. But the responsibility is on YOU to make it happen, or it won’t happen.  Let’s first look at the “WHY” these things happen so often, then the “WHAT” and “HOW” to fix the problem.

First of all, the problem relates to the massive amount of information all of us are handling, and the many ways in which it bombards us. Many have learned that the only way to manage this is to filter, and in filtering, we often miss important details. For example, when we send an email letting someone else know when we are available, and they call at the time we are Not available. Even if they read the correct information in our email, they call when it is convenient for them, and fail to review the details in our email. So many productivity problems and wasted time occurs because of this.

Another reason for the problem is lack of focus. Most people are balancing so many balls in the air at once, many of those balls relating to conflicting priorities, that lack of prioritizing occurs. What pops up as urgent is what is handled at the time, which is not necessarily what should be the priority.

And how often do you have to follow up one time too many, or what needs to get done, doesn’t? I am reminded of a CEO I worked with years ago, who said more times than I can count, that if he expected something to be done, he had to monitor, follow up, and then it MIGHT get done. He sent more than one email about it. He knew that if he didn’t monitor, and follow up, that what he expected to be done would not happen. He accepted the responsibility to remind his direct reports, to monitor, and to follow up. He didn’t complain about it, he didn’t place the responsibility on others; he assumed the responsibility to keep the focus on what was important. This lesson you taught me, Render, stays with me to this day.

If you are a CEO or a Director in an organization with a lot of responsibility, your main job functions are that of choreographer and coordinator. If you are spending too much time doing, you are out of your league. Your main job is to enable others to do their job. This takes many forms, but none of these is that you are the “doer.”   Your job is to facilitate others to do.

Never forget that others are watching you, and taking their lead from what you do. Are you doing the right things? Are you modeling the right behaviors? Well, of course, some of you are, and others of you aren’t, and those in both groups know who they are.

Where are you in this mix? More importantly, where do you need/want to be, and how will you get there?

Think about it. Then do it.

Our family just returned from a week long ski vacation in Colorado. Our oldest daughter, her husband and two oldest daughters (10 and 8) skied for five days. The others of us, my husband, Mike and youngest daughter, Chatham, and youngest granddaughter, Chatham Virginia, (2.75 years), as well as, our MoMo, a good friend who is like another aunt to the granddaughters, rested and worked. Since I am one who believes that we are “never off duty,” I couldn’t help but find lessons in this family vacation that are directly transferable to the workplace.

Lesson #1 – The importance of role models, even on vacation. Although the skiers would have liked more snow, they found a way to ski regardless. They stretched their limits, and felt proud in the process. I was proud that this daughter with three precious children made herself ski with her husband and oldest daughters, when she clearly had no interest in it, other than to be there with them, and not spoil their fun. So what is the lesson in this? It is simply that we need to role model the behaviors that are important to those whom we lead. In this case, Tara participating in the sport was important to her husband and daughters, and had she not participated, they, and she, would have missed some special times. This was their first ski trip, and Tara showed her family that it is important to try something before deciding that it isn’t for you. Now, this does not mean that if she really doesn’t care for skiing that she should continue to ski regardless. On this first ski trip, however, it was important for her to model behaviors she wanted reinforced, such as risk taking, getting outside one’s comfort zone, and not discounting something just because it is new. This is every bit as important a lesson as telling those same children to “try it, you may like it”, when encouraging them to try a new food that they are resisting.

Now, what is your workplace (or even personal) lesson from this?

Lesson #2 – Time and life fly by, even when you’re having fun, and maybe especially when you’re having fun. When I see how these children are growing and developing, I am amazed at how time goes so quickly. It seems like only yesterday that the oldest, Mary Grace, was crying at the door when we left, and now she leaves us so easily, and the other two younger girls, Elsie and Virginia, cry when they have to leave us. My logical self knows that in fewer years than this Mary Grace will be going off to college, and I will be (hopefully!) in my 70’s. How could it pass so quickly? And in these years, what impression have I made on these precious grandchildren? What will they remember about this time with us, this ski trip? Probably sitting around the table playing games, which they love, and we do so infrequently. One of the lessons from this is that we do not have to take ski trips out west to have great times. Unless we can’t slow down enough at home to do the simple things that bind us together. It is sad but true that the busyness of life gets in the way of the simple things that connect us.

Now, what is your workplace (or even personal) lesson from this?

Lesson #3 – Although it is counterintuitive, making time to slow down reenergizes us. And sometimes it is just a different location, a different change of scenery that energizes us. Mike and Chatham both worked nonstop on this vacation, and still felt like it was (enough of) a vacation. For they were able to work at their own pace, with no distractions from meetings, other than the meetings they scheduled! So although they both worked more than 12 hour days while on this vacation, it still felt like enough of a vacation for them. There were still able to stop to be with the rest of the family for meals and special outings, and felt the peace of the Colorado mountains as one day ran into the other.

Now, what is your workplace (or even personal) lesson from this?

Sometimes it is better to pose the questions than to propose the answers. It is important to find one’s own answers to the questions and the lessons from those that can provide the most value.

I am, of course, very interested in your insights, and your lessons.

For those (of us) who like or need to control, we receive lessons periodically that show us that there are many things that we can’t control.    Our family is experiencing one of those lessons this week.  We planned a Spring Break ski trip to Colorado a year ago, and that trip is now in process.  Regrettably for us, this is a very warm end of winter in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, and there is very little snow.  We are here to ski, well, the children and grandchildren are here to ski, and I am along for the memories! We are having 60 and 70 degree days, and disappointing amounts of snow.  While there is some skiing possible, with the best conditions between 11am-3pm, it isn’t the ski trip out west we envisioned.  Although there is plenty to do here other than ski, we planned this trip for the skiing.  So we are disappointed.  Although several of us more than once have echoed the words, “You can’t control the weather,” I know that we wish we could.

This experience reminds me of other things we can’t control, and some things that we can.  I am reminded of some points I make when speaking and consulting on Communication and Leadership.  Perhaps I need to remember these points as we make the best of this Spring Break vacation.

1. We have no accountability or control of the response(s) of others. We have absolute accountability and control of what we say and how we say it.  If we communicate effectively, the other person should not react, but we can’t control that.  Regardless of what we say and how we say it, some people will be defensive and react.  How we respond to the defensiveness may at least in part determine whether the reaction gets worse or improves, but not necessarily so.  We should do our best to communicate well, and when the response isn’t what it should be, refuse to let the reaction of the other person pull us down.

2. Relationships change over time, and some of those changes are not what we expect, or what we would prefer. Some friendships can last through all of our life changes, and some can’t.  I have a couple of friends who are more like sisters than friends, and those relationships have survived moves, divorce, remarriage, death, and many other changes, and are still strong after  45 years.  There are other relationships which were once close friendships, but that have not remained so.  Being one who has difficulty letting go of anything (including clothes, stuff, and organizations) I tried to keep those relationships alive, but realized that there wasn’t enough interest from the other person to do so.   I have come to accept that while I can control keeping clothes, stuff and organizations long past their usefulness, I can’t control relationships that have outlived their time.  Keeping relationships alive requires two people, and I can only control one of those people.  So instead of grieving over lost relationships, I can enjoy those relationships that I have, and do my best to make them even stronger.

3. Family relationships are even more complicated than friendships, and have similar issues of control. I am an only child with no living parents.  I have always longed for a close family, and struggle to understand families who “should” be close, and aren’t.  I have finally accepted that “coulda, wouda, shouda doesn’t work with any relationships, including families.  The issues that divide or unite siblings are varied, and even when siblings grown up together in what appears to be a functional family, there is no guarantee that those different people will choose to remain close as adults.  I am thinking of three different families who one would think would have more to unite them than to divide them, yet who are not close as adults, and even less so once the parents are no longer present.  In each case there is at least one sibling who would choose it to be otherwise, yet who has realized that relationships can’t be sustained by wishes to do so that aren’t shared.

What are the lessons from all of this?  For me, there are three that are most important.

1. While we can’t control the response or other behavior of others, we can, and should control our own.  When the realization is obvious that the relationship has outlived its usefulness, we need to be able to let it go.  While we can hold onto the good memories, we can’t hold on to others who choose to go, be they spouses, friends or family.

2. There are seasons for a reason, and there are seasons of life. If we live long enough we will have seasons of growth, and we will also have seasons when the best we can do is to try to hold on to what we have, for nothing is growing.  In the seasons of growth we should put some things away to carry us through the other seasons.  While we can’t control the seasons, we can control our response, and we can control what we do with our learning from nature’s lessons.

3. One thing we can control is our response to whatever changes we experience. During the good times, we should rejoice in those and share what we have with others.  During the times when we struggle, we can look for the meaning in the struggle, and the lessons provided, and do our best to not need to relive those lessons.

Instead of being disappointed or immobilized by unexpected and unwanted changes, we can choose to accept and perhaps even embrace the change.  Instead of snow skiing, our family is off to explore the beauty of all that Steamboat has to offer, which is much more than snow!