Focusing on What I Can Control

Posted on July 25, 2025 by Patti Fralix

I saw a commercial recently in which the comment was made, “Focus on what you can control; everything else is just noise.” I think it was an ad for Truist. And it is so true! I have thought a lot about the comment since I saw the ad. It reminded me of the very popular book by Mel Robbins that I read, “Let Them.” That book is about control, specifically knowing what you can control and not trying to control what, or who, you can’t control. So, a blog post has been forming in me.

I have long spoken and written about control and change, and I get new lessons about these almost daily. But I am a slow learner. I still try to control things and people that I can’t control. I know very well that the only person I can control is me, and that is a full time job. That knowledge does not stop me from trying to control some other people, specifically my husband (sorry, Mike!) and situations. Perhaps you can benefit from my musings on this.

What I Can Control: I can control myself, and my own behavior. If I spend enough time on this, there will not be time left over for me to try to control others! I can control my own behavior, and should. I can control what I think about myself. I can control what I do, and don’t do, with others. I can control what I do to avoid trying to control others. I can live the Serenity Prayer, especially the parts about accepting the things I can’t control, and the courage to change the things I can.

What I Can’t Control: Other people. Oh, I can try to control others, but it does not work. In fact, as Mel Robbins’ points out in her aforementioned book, when I try to control others, it usually backfires. I can’t control what others think of me. I can’t control much of what happens to me, although I do have some responsibility for what happens to me by the actions I take.

If I can’t be the person I want and need to be when I am with some people, I need to have the courage to be okay with not being with those people. I need to be able to say goodbye to the people who detract from me being able to be my best self. That will benefit not just me, but them as well. Remember the phrase, “Friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Friends serve different purposes in our lives, and when that purpose has been served and no longer applies, we need to be able to let them go and move on. I am not good about this. I try to hold on forever.

There are so many things outside of our control. One of those is how long we live. Oh, of course we can have healthy habits and that does have something to do with our morbidity and mortality. But there is a large amount of other stuff that is beyond our control, or even our influence. I am sad today. I learned a couple of days ago that a friend we knew from traveling to St Maarten passed away this week from colon cancer. Trish died much too young. She was a wonderful, positive, engaging person, and I will miss her. We had lots of good times in St Maarten together, and some not so good.Trish and John and Mike and I lived through Hurricane Irma in St Maarten in 2017.

Why was Trish’s life cut short and not mine? That is a question that I cannot answer. But I do know that it is my responsibility to be the best person that I can be, and that is a full time job. It is my responsibility to treasure this life that I have, to not take it for granted, and to live a life that honors those who are no longer with us.

Trish has her hand on my shoulder, and her husband John is behind her, The other couple is Renee and Michael .

How about you? Are you who you want to be? I know that I am not, at least not totally. You and I should not wait to change what we want to change. Life is precious, and sometimes shorter than we think it will be.

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2025 is Half Over!

Posted on June 30, 2025 by Patti Fralix

Hard as it is to believe, this year is half over. Technically, it is half over tomorrow, but that is close enough for us to discuss it! I do not know about you, but I am amazed at how time is flying by. Given this, our time on this earth is getting shorter. Not to be morbid, but to accept that whatever we want to do, we need to be well on our way to doing it.

Where should we go from here? Not literally, but figuratively. If we accept that we have less time in front of us than we do behind us, what do we need to do with this knowledge? Well, first of all, I need to clarify that not all of us have less time in front of us than behind us. I hope our dear grandchildren have more time in front of them than behind them. Their ages, which range from almost 3 years of age to twenty years of age means that if they are fortunate enough to have an average life span, they do have lots of years left. So I am not referring to them. I am not referring to anyone in particular. I am simply recognizing that life is speeding by, and we need to get busy living our priorities while we still have time. While we do not know the length of our life, the older we are, the less time we will likley have to do what is important to us.

Perhaps you are familiar with the late poet Mary Oliver’s quote, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Now that is a powerful question. Just think about that for a moment. I hope you have an answer to that question for yourself. It really doesn’t matter if others know your answer, but it matters quite a lot that you have an answer to that question for yourself.

Assuming you have an answer to the question about what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life, how are you doing with that? Are you making progress? Or are you going through your days, weeks, and months without giving any thought, or action, to what you say you really want?

With one half of 2025 left, it is time for all of us who say we want something more than what we have to get busy making that happen. I am not referring to us saying we want material things. Some may, but that is not my focus in this discussion. My focus with this question is what meaning we want our life to have. How do we want to be remembered? What do we want our legacy to be? We will all leave a legacy, just what do we want ours to be?

I recognize that some of us may know what we want from our wild and precious life, yet know we are not living it. I can identify with that. But I also know it is not too late for us to change whatever we need to change to live the life we want to live.

Until we have taken our last breath, it is not too late. What we need to accept is that we do not know when that last breath will be taken, So if this is really important to us, we need to act. Now. While there is still time.

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Granddaughter Elsie’s High School Graduation

Posted on June 4, 2025 by Patti Fralix

Our granddaughter Elsie graduated from high school on May 23, 2025. She will attend college at the University of South Carolina, where she will study to become a nurse. Elsie plans to continue her education post undergraduate to become a nurse practitioner. The years have passed so quickly. I am amazed that Elsie is now eighteen years old, and will leave home soon to begin her life as an adult.

I found a letter Elsie wrote about me when she was ten years old. It is on my pattifralix.com website. We do not always know what words others hear that make an impression on them. I will always treasure Elsie’s written words.

I have (of course!) been going down memory lane as we have celebrated this milestone with Elsie. I found some photos of Elsie at different stages that I cherish.

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My Six-Year Anniversary

Posted on May 7, 2025 by Patti Fralix

Today is my six-year anniversary of not drinking alcohol. After enjoying wine and an occasional Lemon Drop Martini since I was in my mid twenties, I decided on May 7, 2019, when I was 67 years old, that enough was enough. I gave up alcohol. As the weeks and months of not drinking alcohol became years, I decided that this change will be permanent. It took awhile, but I no longer miss it.

My initial reason to stop drinking alcohol was to lose weight. I had been trying to lose weight, and had not been able to. I had  been on Weight Watchers for years, but had not really worked the plan. I wish I had the money I spent on Weight Watchers during those years! I would lose ten pounds, and gain it back. The amount of weight that I wanted to lose was in the ten to twenty pound range. When I hit 159 pounds, I decided something else was necessary to lose the weight. Although I had often said, “I am not giving up my Chardonnay,” for whatever reason, on May 7, 2019, I decided to give up my Chardonnay.

In the next few months, I lost 57 pounds. Of course, removing alcohol from my life was not the only change that I made to lose the weight, and it certainly did not account for me losing 57 pounds. But it was a major part of it. And more importantly, removing alcohol from my life made my life so much better in several ways.

I was mainly a social drinker. I often had a glass or two (or three) of wine in the evenings while cooking. I would drink when out with friends. What became an occasional drink or two of wine mainly on the weekends gradually became more of a daily habit. I knew that was not healthy, but habits are easy to make and hard to break. Although I tried to cut back, again mainly to lose weight, I found that hard to do. So I decided to stop completely.

When I stopped drinking, I did not make a decision that this change would be permanent. In fact, I think if I had thought initially that I would not drink wine or a Lemon Drop Martini ever again, I don’t know if I would have stopped. That might have felt too severe. But the longer I was not drinking, the better I felt. And I sometimes acted better! I Know I slept better. I also had more energy overall. I also no longer had to worry if I had said or done something I should not have said or done, at least while under the influence of alcohol.

I no longer enjoy sitting in a bar socializing, although I do so occasionally with my husband. I enjoy socializing with friends who are drinking alcohol, and no longer feel different in a negative way. I am different, due to my choice; not better than, just different. When with others who are drinking alcohol, I drink my beverage of choice, iced tea, and enjoy the festivities. I do miss wine tastings, but again, it is my choice to not drink alcohol, and with that decision there are some losses. But the gains are more than worth the few losses. 

It isn’t easy to go against the flow, and I am definitely in the minority by not drinking alcohol. Our society in many ways revolves around alcohol. While there are more people now who are drinking mocktails or non alcoholic drinks than there were six years ago, alcohol is still a major part of our culture. 

I found some of the 57 pounds that I lost, and I am ok with that. I am a lifetime Weight Watchers member, no longer having to pay since I stay below my goal weight. I am healthy, walking at least two miles most days, and have settled at a weight that I can maintain.  

Life is good, without alcohol. 

My Derby Drink is iced tea!
Mike and me celebrating our 41st anniversary on April 28th at Margaux’s Restaurant.
Lunch with long time friends (center) Ruthe Farmer and Shirley Harkey.

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Keeping Faith and Hope Alive

Posted on April 22, 2025 by Patti Fralix

We just finished a week of renewal and hope. People all over the world celebrated Easter, Passover, and the Holy Days.

Cardinal Dolan of New York talked about the Holy season on the Today Show last week. He said most people, even the non-religious, those who attend church only on Easter and Christmas, have faith. He also said many people struggle to have hope, especially at times like we are experiencing now. His comment caused me to think of the difference in these two, faith and hope.

In Hebrews 11:1, the Bible mentions faith as “the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” In Matthew 21:22 we are told “whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”

The promises in the Bible about hope speak to the importance of having hope, and that it is hope that is not seen, but is believed. In Romans 15:13 we are told, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

Different writings discuss the relationship between faith and hope. It is said that true hope is often rooted in faith. Faith is considered the foundation of hope, and hope is often seen as a consequence of faith. It is not possible to have hope without faith.

If faith is foundational to hope, and more people have faith than hope, how do we increase our ability to have hope? Perhaps we should discuss what hope isn’t to consider this further.

Hope is not wishful thinking. It isn’t positive thinking or optimism. Then what is it?

Hope is expectant, courageous, and patient. Hope is also a source of stability., Hope strengthens us for the challenges we face. All of these seem to depend on someone else, and for the Christian that someone else is God. We also depend on ourselves to have faith and believe, and do our part to live lives worthy of faith and hope.

As I think of faith and hope. It seems that it is hard to separate the two. But there is a distinction between the two that is important. Faith is more of a belief, and hope requires action.

A sad ending to the Holy Days was the passing of Pope Francis on Easter Monday. Even to me as a non-Catholic, Pope Francis was the epitome of one who gave faith and hope to many people, including the disenfranchised. He fought a good fight, and has now finished his race.

How about you and me? Are we living lives of faith and hope?

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An Unstoppable Force

Posted on April 6, 2025 by Patti Fralix

At the beginning of the Duke and Houston Final Four Basketball game Saturday night freshman Cooper Flagg of Duke was mentioned as “an unstoppable force.” I was struck by this reference, and thought about how powerful is the designation of “an unstoppable force.” My mind left the basketball game and traveled to you and me. Are we an unstoppable force? What does it even mean to be an unstoppable force? Let’s break the two words down, and discuss them separately.

One description of unstoppable is “can’t be moved by external forces.” I like to think of “can’t be moved” as “can’t be stopped.” We can think of external forces as anything outside of ourselves. If we are truly unstoppable, we will not allow external forces, regardless of what they are, to stop us from doing what we are attempting to do.

What if the opposition we are dealing with comes from within? That is harder to overcome than opposition from external forces. It is hard to overcome the fight within ourselves. To achieve our potential, we have to believe in ourselves. If our voice from within questions our ability to overcome any obstacles, it will be difficult to do so. We can be our own worst critic.

What does the word “force” mean in “unstoppable force?” You may be thinking of the phrase “may the force be with you.” One definition of force is “strength or energy.” Think of substituting the words strength or energy for force in the sentence with unstoppable. The words “unstoppable strength” or “unstoppable energy” are even clearer and more powerful than “unstoppable force.”

What is required for us to have unstoppable strength or unstoppable energy? Where does that power come from? I am not sure that I know. But I know it when I see it.

I see it in Cooper Flagg. Now I want to see it in us.

P..S. Even the most unstoppable are sometimes stopped. The Duke Blue Devils and Cooper Flag were stopped. They lost the game to Houston.

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Time Is Finite

Posted on March 29, 2025 by Patti Fralix

Just like some of you, I have some family and friends who are dealing with health issues. I am grateful that I am healthy overall, and I do not take that for granted. So, I made myself walk two-and-a-half miles a couple of days this week, although I did not want to. I thought of my friend who isn’t capable of walking, and just got myself out there. I had to push myself, but I did it. I am not bragging, just sharing. There will come a time when we will not be physically or mentally able to do things we can do now. So, as long as we are able, we need to be as physically active as we can be.

As I think about life, I am amazed at how fast time has flown by. I am 73 years old, and I honestly do not know how the years passed so quickly. It seems like only yesterday that I was graduating from high school, yet it has been fifty-five years. I celebrated my fiftieth college reunion last May. My daughter Tara will be fifty years old this November, (I am not sure she will appreciate me announcing that!) and my oldest granddaughter is 20. When I hear the age of someone who is older than I am, I do the math, and wonder if I will live that long. This is not intended to be morbid, just to acknowledge that we do not have unlimited time. Time is finite, and once gone, it is gone forever. And so are some of our loved ones.

Our family lost a dear (chosen) family member this week. The loss is significant. Coy Davis made his heavenly transition at the age of 94. I think of all of the times I could have called, and didn’t. Now, it is too late. I am not really feeling guilty (although I probably should) as much as remorseful. My opportunity to connect has passed. All I have now are memories and photos, and I treasure both.

One of Mike and my last visits with Coy Davis.

Once the time to do anything we want to do has passed, our opportunity to do that does not come around again. I know we know this, yet we live as if we have forever, all the while knowing that we don’t. Our time is limited. Time is our most valuable resource. We should not waste it.

If time is finite, it behooves us to decide how we want to spend it, and not waste any of it. While we do not know how long we will live, we can decide how we will live.

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Just keep Going!

Posted on March 18, 2025 by Patti Fralix

I love basketball! It is my all time favorite sport. So this is my favorite time of the year for sports, with the ACC championship just ended and the NCAA tournament about to begin. I am somewhat glued to the TV. I am a Virginia undergrad and UAB master’s grad, and my husband is a Duke (MBA) and NCSU (undergrad and Ph.D)grad, so we especially follow those teams. Virginia and NCSU did not make it to the NCAA tournament. I am holding onto hope that Duke will go all the way, with or without Cooper Flagg.

Sports can teach us something about life, quite a lot, in fact. As I watch basketball, I am struck by how the players play their hearts out until the very end. They just keep going, regardless of the score or their odds of winning. There is a lesson for us in this. Regardless of what is going on in us or around us, we need to just keep going. Even when it is tempting to do so, we should not quit! We need to just keep going! Nothing is accomplished by quitting. Even when the odds are against us, if we keep going, we have a chance to beat the odds. When we quit, we surrender.

I started this blog while watching Duke and Louisville battle it out for the ACC championship. That game was like most of the others that I watched this past weekend, too close to call until the very end. I watched UNC fall to Duke, and Auburn and Alabama both lose, and UAB win, then lose to Louisville. In the ACC championship game, Louisville played hard and could have won, but didn’t; Duke prevailed. Duke won the regular season and the ACC championship, the first time for winning both since 2006. And without Coach K! Coach Jon Scheyer has proven that Duke can win without Coach K and without Cooper Flagg. As several Duke players said, it is a team; it is not about one person, regardless of how talented is that one person.

My dear beloved Uncle Barry who passed away in 2021 at the age of 90 said many times, “Just keep going as long as you can, for there will come a time when you can’t.” He was so right, and he did keep going until the very end, when he no longer could.

Do you Just Keep Going, even when it is hard to do so? Do you Just Keep Going until the very end, until the bell rings and the game (whatever your game is) is over?

Here comes March Madness and the NCAA. Many players and many teams, all vying for the championship. All Keeping Going as long as they can. A lesson for all of us.

Just Keep Going!

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Remaining Relevant

Posted on March 14, 2025 by Patti Fralix

Looking around, we see businesses that have failed in the past few years. We also see those that have survived, and even some that have thrived. While it is easy to give Covid or the economy the blame, that is failing to ignore an important distinction. Businesses that have survived or thrived changed and met the demands of the time, and those that failed did not. The last time Mike and I travelled to NYC we saw firsthand an example of this.

The Wayfarer Restaurant on 57th street, one of our favorites, had closed, and the reason given was that it “did not survive COVID.” Rue 57, another of our favorites located right across the street from the Wayfarer, was and is still going strong. Similar food choices, similar prices, same location. Why did one survive and thrives, and the other not? While I do not know the particulars, I can assume that the Wayfarer did not change as needed, and Rue 57 did. Rue 57 remained relevant, and the Wayfarer did not.

I would be remiss to fail to mention 42nd Street Oyster Bar and Restaurant in downtown Raleigh, NC, an almost one-hundred-year-old institution, that will close at the end of March. The reason given for closing is a lease issue, and I do not assume that this Raleigh institution has not remained relevant. But I can’t help but compare it to another Raleigh institution, the Angus Barn, that opened in 1960, and is packed every night and shows no signs of anything but growth.

There are other examples of businesses that remained relevant and those that did not. The same can be said about us. If we are struggling, we should consider if we have changed to meet the demands of the times , or if we are holding on to a past that has passed.

We all know that the only constant is change. Yet, some of us stay set in our ways, and refuse to adapt as life requires. We refuse to read the tea leaves, assuming that we can continue to behave in the same manner as we always have, even when doing so does not move us forward.

Is there something that you are holding on to that you need to let go? If so, what will it take for you to do so? Don’t think you have to have all of the answers before you take the next step. It is possible that in taking the next logical step you will be unblocking whatever is preventing you from other steps that will lead you to where you need to be.

Perhaps there is something in here for you to ponder. If so, do not allow yourself to stay blocked. Take the next logical step, and trust that what you need will be there.

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A Good Life is Purposeful and Passionate

Posted on March 7, 2025 by Patti Fralix

The question is often asked, “Which is more important, Purpose or Passion?” I think that question puts the wrong focus on this issue. Purpose and Passion are both important, and the best answer to the Purpose and Passion importance question is: “It is best to live a life of purpose, passionately.”

What is purpose? Purpose can be explained as “Why we are here, living and breathing. The meaning of our life is our purpose. Purpose is not about a job or career, but how the job or career gives our life meaning, and not (just) to us, but to others. Purpose can be thought of as the “Why” of our life. When all is said and done, and it will be one day for all of us, will it matter at all that we lived?

Passion is the “How” we live our lives. It is the inspiration to wholeheartedly and enthusiastically employ all of our energies and resources into living our purpose. People with passion are fully engaged in living a life of purpose and meaning.

People of purpose and passion change things, and the changes are usually, but not always, improvements. Think of Mother Teresa, who improved the lives of those she touched. She did so in a quiet way, unlike motivational guru Tony Robbins, who many would agree helps others find their purpose and passion, and he does so in a very different manner than Mother Teresa. While both of these famous people lived (Mother Teresa) or live (Tony Robbins) lives of purpose and passion, the manner in which those are expressed was/is very different. Passion does not necessarily involve excitement. People of passion can lead quiet lives, expressing their passion quite differently than someone whose passion is out front.

If we love what we do and who we do it for, we will be people of passion. While that passion can be expressed very differently, the people it serves will know it and feel it. We will be living our purpose out loud, although not necessarily loudly.

If the purpose our life serves is only or mainly for self, we should not think of this as living a life of purpose worthy of others following us. While people may indeed follow the one whose passion and purpose is more self-focused, they will be doing so for their own benefit, not for the improvement of others.

Purpose and Passion give our lives meaning. A question worthy of pondering is, “When we are no longer alive, will it really matter that we lived?”

Dean Ernie Ern lived a life or Purpose and Passion when he co-educated the University of Virginia in 1970. He changed the lives of these three women:(L to R) Betty Shotton, Patti Fralix and Debbie Denn0.

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