What In The World Were/Are They Thinking?!

Posted on March 17, 2015 by Patti Fralix

For the past few blog posts, we have been discussing Managing Differences through Communication.   In one of those posts we discussed the Golden Rule and the Platinum Rule.  Last week we discussed Listening.  This week we will discuss some of what are too often the undiscussables.  The stimulus for this week’s blog post is the happenings of the SAE fraternity at the University of Oklahoma, which is thankfully (I hope) an uncommon event.  On a broader scale we are discussing how what we think and say can either inspire others, or demean them.

To say that I am troubled about the University of Oklahoma SAE event is a major understatement.  How could this happen in 2015?  I was on the Human Rights Commission (Race Relations) at the University of Virginia in the early 1970’s, and was proud to be able to work on these issues with fellow classmates and faculty.  Graduation came, and I moved on to the deeper south.  I will never forget some of the disrespectful comments that I heard about different ethnic groups, comments that I knew came from ignorance and fear.  And of course, these negative and disrespectful comments were not just being made in the south.  A few years later when I moved to North Carolina, I was appalled to hear that this southern state had been the hotbed of some of the most brutal battles between whites and blacks as late as the 70’s.  Even so, I certainly would never have thought that we would be where we are in 2015 with issues such as what recently occurred in Oklahoma.

Where is our respect for fellow citizens?  Do people have to look like us, think like us and sound like us for us to deem them worthy of respectful treatment?  How do we justify name calling on any level?  We teach our children to not call names; do we not hold ourselves to the (at least) same standard?  Do we think that we can fight the enemies in other places when we can’t get along here at home?  What are we thinking?  Do we really believe that one ethnic group is superior to others?

It is perhaps too easy to point to the most extreme examples of wrongful treatment by others to others, and fail to look within.  For even if we haven’t resorted to name calling, are we really without fault as to what we think of others and how we treat them?  Maybe you are, but I am not.

As a strong willed person (or so I’ve been called many times!) I realize that my passionate responses to others can be heard by them as me being upset, and maybe even angry.  My tone of voice sometimes leaves no question of how I feel about what is being discussed.  My tone of voice and the words that I use can be too direct.  When I inappropriately use “I” and “You” language I can be heard as accusatory or controlling.  Knowing these possibilities of my natural tendencies and being in a position to coach others, often I am on my best behavior and don’t make these mistakes.  But sometimes I fail to catch myself, and my language isn’t what it should be.  Perhaps some of you reading this can identify with my struggle. While I don’t believe that I think I am or feel superior to others, sometimes my language can imply that.  I am most heated when discussing politics.  I need to model Dr. Stephen Covey’s, “Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood.”

I need to remember the following.  Tone of voice is the single most important variable in communicating.  Too often the message is missed due to the tone of voice.  It is important to be direct and clear, but not directive.  While a (too) soft tone of voice can be heard as weak, a loud tone of voice is heard as aggressive.  Avoid offensive words, and this includes any use of profanity. Yes, I realize the use of profanity is common, and I agree that some words are worse than others, but the use of any profanity is unnecessary.

Because of our different personalities we naturally communicate differently.  Some of us get to the point quickly, and some of us “ring around the rosy.”  In the workplace, regardless of our personality, we should get to the point efficiently, but not so quickly that we are perceived as not being friendly.  It is important to not just tell others what we want/need them to know, but to ask their opinion, and show in our response that we are listening.  We should disagree agreeably.  And in all of our interactions it is important to slow down, listen and hear the message the other person is trying to deliver, and without judgment.

It has been said that most of our social problems could be solved with better communication.  The purpose of communication is not to talk, and not even to listen, but to reach mutual understanding.  Too often when communication mishaps occur it is because we are striving for agreement.  While agreement is good when we can reach it, it isn’t always possible to agree.  It is often and perhaps even usually possible to reach mutual understanding.  But not if we think we are better than the other person.  Our thinking precedes our behavior.  If we think we are better than others, that thinking will come through in our behavior, including in our language.  Then comes the name calling, whether it is expressed out loud, or left to germinate in our own heads.

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I Know You Think You Hear Me, But Are You Really Listening!

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Patti Fralix

Last week’s blog post asked readers to “weigh in” on the Golden Rule and the Platinum Rule, and the Platinum Rule was the clear winner.  Readers made comments on the importance of this subject of communication, and expressed its importance to teamwork. Thanks to all of you who took your time to record your thoughts.  Other bloggers know how valuable comments are!  One reader mentioned the importance of nonverbal communication, the subject of this week’s discussion.

The largest category of nonverbal communication is body language, which includes listening, facial expression, eye contact, body posture, gestures, and distance.  Most of you can visualize an angry person’s body language, as well as the body language of one whose behavior is reflective of someone who is pleasant, open and receptive.  If we were having a verbal conversation, you could describe the exact nonverbal behaviors of these two different people.  Therefore, I won’t go into detail on each of these.  I will focus on the one behavior that often determines whether our behavior in general is perceived as positive or negative by others.  That one behavior is listening.  Now I recognize that most of us think we know how to listen well, when in fact, too often our behavior is reflective of not listening at all, but telling the other person what we want them to know! The three types of listening are passive, selective, and active.  A few descriptive comments about each differentiates these types.

Passive listeners are not engaged in what the other person is saying, either verbally or nonverbally.  With passive listeners there really is no conversation, for they do not make comments, ask questions, or clarify, or if they do, it is only when the other person is totally finished talking.  Now, do not mistake this for good listening, thinking that to comment, ask questions, or clarify is interrupting.  It can be interrupting, which can be so skillfully done that it is positive, not negative.  Also, the nonverbal behavior of the passive listener can range from disinterest to anger, and other negative behaviors that are not as extreme.

Selective listeners zero in on part of the message being delivered, focusing on some details and often missing the main message.  Selective listeners can be perceived as debating, not listening at all.  They may listen for facts and logic, failing to capture the feelings being expressed.   Feelings are as important as facts, and they are not always verbally disclosed.

Active listeners are engaged in hearing what is being said as well as what isn’t being said, but that which is also involved.  Active listeners listen for feelings as well as facts.  Active listeners are skilled at asking questions, clarifying, and summarizing.  They listen for the main idea(s) and separate details that aren’t important from those that are.  The body language of the active listener shows respect, interest and receptivity.

We can assume that active listening is the best type of listening, and should strive to make sure there is consistency between our verbal and nonverbal behavior.  But active listening alone does not insure that we will be perceived as being an effective listener.  There are some behaviors to avoid when we are actively listening.  These behaviors are Avoiding, Judging, and Solving.

Avoiding is failing to verbally address the parts of the message that make us uncomfortable.  An example of this is the friend who is verbalizing what they interpret as facts that are not really facts, but instead are feelings.  The receiver of these “facts” may fail to discuss their interpretation of these, perhaps to “keep the peace.”  The receiver may think she can avoid further conflict by not addressing this difference, although often this choice results in unexpressed conflict, which is covert conflict.  Covert conflict may seem preferable to overt conflict, but it really isn’t, usually at least.  There will still be a barrier in these friends’ relationship.

Judging is verbally and inappropriately evaluating what is being heard.  An example is a phrase such as, “I don’t think you really mean that, what you are really mean is that you don’t believe me!”  Most people do not want to feel judged when they are telling another person something; they want the message they are trying to deliver to be heard and, hopefully at least, understood.  Judging makes the relationship feel inappropriately unequal, putting the receiver of the message in the position of power.

Solving is jumping too quickly to solutions, taking the focus away from the speaker. Solving can be thought of as an extension of Judging, with the same negative consequences.  Solving isn’t collaborative, it is felt as “top down.”   When the speaker has the goal of being heard, solving becomes a distraction from that.  Parents of small children often have a legitimate reason for using “solving” language.  In some situations managers have a legitimate reason to use solving language when in conversation with their direct reports.  For most other situations, solving responses are less than effective.

Effective listening is such an important communication skill.  For many people, it isn’t easy, although too often it is thought of as such.  Effective listening requires focus and practice.  It also requires knowledge of the specifics discussed in this post.  I am interested in your thoughts about this, and your listening successes!

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Which Do You Prefer, Platinum or Gold?

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Patti Fralix

Part of the magic of my “It’s in the SAUCE®” personality assessment tool is that it provides data on how to communicate effectively with others, especially with those who have a different dominant communication style.  I began a discussion of personality differences in last week’s blog post, and promised to continue the discussion this week.   Personality differences are one variable involved in how we communicate.  How we communicate has a lot to do with how well we get along with others, or fail to.  Personality differences and communication are so important that I will devote several posts to this subject.

Let’s begin this week’s discussion with the Golden Rule, recognizing when it can be helpful, and when to consider other principles.  In its purest form the Golden Rule, that is, to treat others as you would like them to treat you, is positive and can provide a roadmap for communication and behavior.  If the communication is rooted in a respect for others, kindness, and other positive behaviors, the application of the Golden Rule isn’t necessarily problematic.  However, sometimes even when those ideals are present, the application of the Golden Rule does not result in the best communication for the recipient.

Take, for example, the common response of Millenials when someone says, “Thank you.”  I often hear them reply, “No problem!”  If you are a Boomer, perhaps you (like I) bristle.  To many Boomers, the proper response to “thank you” is “you’re welcome”, not “no problem”.  While I believe that each generation replying to “thank you” is usually intending to be respectful and kind, others may not hear the words used as representative of such.

Considering the significant diversity in our society, especially diversity of ethnicity and religion, the application of the Golden Rule may not always result in the most effective communication.  Although the Golden Rule is a commonly accepted philosophy in the U.S., we need to be more mindful of how we apply it, and at least consider if it works as well in a very diverse culture as does the Platinum Rule.

Dr. Tony Alessandra’s Platinum Rule, which is to “treat others the way they want to be treated,” may provide a more effective standard for communicating across varying cultures and generations.  A communication example can best differentiate the Platinum Rule from the Golden Rule.  Most people communicate from one of two basic communication styles: communicating in a direct manner or communicating in an indirect manner.  The differences in these styles are significant.  The person who communicates in a direct manner gets to his point quickly, uses “bottom line” talk, and definitive words.  Conversely, the person who communicates in an indirect manner uses verbal qualifiers that soften the message, for example, words such as “sometimes” or phrases such as “it seems that” or “in my opinion”.  Neither style is bad nor good; both styles can be effective when used appropriately.  If a direct communicator communicates from her natural style with a person who is naturally an indirect communicator, misunderstanding can occur.  The same is true when an indirect communicator communicates from his natural style with a direct communicator.

The context of the discussion, not just the communication preference or style of the other person, should guide whether the communicator uses direct or indirect language.  A workplace example related to tardiness illustrates this principle.  An excellent employee begins to exhibit tardiness in arriving to work.  In the first conversation with the employee, the manager could say, “John, on two of the last fifteen work days, you have been ten minutes late to work,” which is direct and true.  Or, the manager could say, “John, it seems that there has been some change in your normal pattern of being at work on time,” which is also true, but is a “softened” message.   If this is the first time that the manager notices a problem behavior in an excellent employee, perhaps the indirect approach is best, regardless of the employee’s dominant communication style.  On the other hand, if this encounter needs to be the first step in the disciplinary procedure, direct communication is probably best, regardless of the dominant communication style of the employee.  This example illustrates the importance of the context in selecting direct or indirect language.

Regardless of their own more dominant communication style, the most effective communicators communicate with others based upon the other person’s most dominant style.  This is an example of the Platinum Rule.  They also consider the context when making this decision.

In a recent visit to an Enterprise Car Rental location, I noticed these works printed on the wall: “We simply treat our customers the way they should be treated.”  This doesn’t necessarily have to pertain to just customers.  What about treating everyone the way they should be treated?  Do you think this idea is reflective of The Golden Rule, The Platinum Rule, or both?  Is it possible that the phrase is reflective of an even higher level of behavior than either the Golden Rule or Platinum Rule?  I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

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What Part Of ME Do You Not Understand?

Posted on February 24, 2015 by Patti Fralix

The philosophy of It’s in the SAUCE® is that we are more effective through our interconnectedness with others.  This is true both personally and professionally.  It is when our strengths combine with the strengths of others that the best results occur. We all have strengths, and yes, it is also true that we all have weaknesses.  We need to be able to depend on others for those things that we lack, not in a dependent way, but in an interdependent way. This is true in families and with teams at work.

I was reminded of one of these differences early this morning as I was leaving for the airport and realized that I could not find my driver’s license which I would need for check-in.  My husband said, “Why don’t you put it the same place every time so you can find it?!”  The reason I don’t is because that is not my personality.  Now, that is not an excuse; just a reason.  And it also happens with car keys.  Some of you know exactly what I mean, because you struggle with this also.  I have learned that this behavior creates unnecessary stress and delays, so many times I do return keys and cards to the same location.  But when I am in a hurry, I put those items in different places, and struggle later to remember where.  My husband is so consistent and methodical that he has one particular place for keys and cards, and in a hurry or not, he can find them quickly, for they are put in the same place every time.  Now this inconsistency of mine is not a character flaw.  It is a difference due to my personality.  Misplaced car keys and other items create unnecessary stress for us, and can create delays and stress for others if they are travelling with us.  But these personality differences, although they can be annoying, aren’t as problematic as some behaviors in the workplace created by personality differences.

Inconsistencies in behaviors (that need to be consistent) can create confusion and stress for others, and often result in significant productivity problems.  One example of this is when a manager is asked something more than once, and gives a different answer each time, or an answer that the other person hears as different because it isn’t worded the same way.  This confusion can also occur when the answer that is given is different because the focus of the answer is different.  The fact that there is a difference may not even be obvious to either person involved, and yet ineffective communication, and other resultant problems, often occurs.  When these situations happen, the personalities of the people involved determine to a large degree whether there is confusion and whether that confusion is expressed or unexpressed.   The manager who it is perceived as giving inconsistent information or direction needs to know that, and clarity can often be achieved by discussing such.  Unfortunately these discussions too often don’t occur, in part due to the reluctance or difficulty of “speaking truth to power.”

Clear communication of information that others need to know is one of a manager’s most important accountabilities.  Too often when communication isn’t clear that fact is not expressed, and people interpret what they need to do from their own lens.   The best solution for ineffective communication is understanding and valuing personality differences, and communicating not from one’s own natural style, but in a manner that the other person will hear best.  This is much harder to do than might appear on the surface.  Next week’s post will discuss this in more detail.

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The Synergy of Relationships

Posted on February 17, 2015 by Patti Fralix

The philosophy of It’s in the SAUCE® includes that the magic is in our relationships, the combination of our differences and strengths that create powerful synergy.  This is true personally as well as professionally.  Many people had a great example of this on a personal level recently when thinking of and celebrating Valentine’s Day; I know that I did.  Some think Valentine’s Day (and some other celebratory days as well!) are perpetuated by Hallmark for the sole purpose of driving sales.  But if that is even true, is there anything wrong with a day set aside to celebrate love?  My husband is my best friend, and he and I have a symbiosis that results in our combination creating synergy that is impossible on an individual, level.  We have been married for almost 31 years, and the love I feel for him is stronger now than it was in the early years.  I am very grateful for our relationship, and do not take it for granted.

It should be noted that not everyone has nor does everyone even want a romantic relationship.  Friends and family can be all that one needs to feel connected emotionally to others.  Celebrating this closeness is not just good for the heart but for health in general.  Research is clear on this.  People who have healthy relationships are healthier in general, are happier, and have better morbidity and mortality statistics.

Another example of the magic of relationships is the recent 40 year anniversary celebration of Saturday Night Live.  Now, I must admit, I have watched very few SNLs through the years, but it was difficult to   miss the 40th celebration, if you were watching anything at all on NBC around this time.  So I tuned in for the 40th, and was very impressed with the synergy of those relationships.  Although much credit for SNL’s success was (and rightly so) given to its creator, Lorne Michaels, there is no way that he could have had such a successful run had it not been for the team of actors and technical people who surrounded him.   This reinforces the importance of professional relationships and the direct connection to business success.  It is rare for an individual to be successful without the involvement and support of others.

One meaning of It’s in the SAUCE® is: just like the best sauces are a combination of flavors, not one flavor or ingredient, the best teams are a combination of differences, not people who are alike.  If the members of a team are too much alike, the efforts of their work can too often be “group think.”  “Group think” behavior, while it may feel good for individuals to have their own opinions validated by other team members, is not very effective.  Group think teams cannot make the best and most comprehensive decisions.  This is even truer given greater diversity.  For teams to work well together, however, requires that the individuals understand and even value their differences.  Personality tools like It’s in the SAUCE® are a great resource for teams committed to maximizing their effectiveness.

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The Dance of Staff Empowerment and Management Control

Posted on February 9, 2015 by Patti Fralix

Another excellent staff member gone.  Another controlling manager cranked down too hard one too many times, and the staff member decided to quit.  What will it take for managers in organizations to realize the true cost of the loss of human capital, and decide to listen more, and realize that staff have valid concerns?  How many people have to quit before managers learn?

I have been in management positions and/or supported managers for almost thirty-five years.  I have worked with many staff groups, helping them to change what they need to change, and helping them understand the organization’s position.  I have spent a lot of time teaching and coaching managers how to lead and not control.  But not enough progress is being made.  Too many good to great staff members (and also managers) give up while insecure and controlling managers continue to control, and drive out those who take the risk to complain about what isn’t working.

I sometimes think it is too late.  Too late to convince either through coaching or development of managers that staff who complain, even when they are aggressive about how they do it, have valid concerns.  I fear that it is too late for enough managers to become leaders.

There are many examples. There is the Nurse Practitioner who patients love, who works many more hours than she is paid to work, whose position is changed, changed so she is no longer fulltime, with no good explanation for the change.  There is the staff nurse whose schedule was changed and she wasn’t aware of the change, and who was summarily told it was her responsibility to know her schedule, although she has worked the same schedule for years.  There is the staff member who chose to quit quietly without being open about the reasons, although she has worked in the department for many years.  There is the manager who is allowed to continue to crush the spirit of the staff, although the negative satisfaction scores of the customers is directly linked to when the manager was hired.

My passion is to help leaders in organizations do what they should do best; lead, not control.  I no longer want to explain, justify and support managers who crush the spirit of good, competent staff.    I resist thinking that what I have believed in for almost thirty-five years can’t work.  While I still believe in management and staff empowerment, I am so troubled by the continual problems.

Is my vision a fairy tale?  Is it possible to have an organization fulfill its mission, and be a place where staff is empowered to serve customers and who feel served as well by the organization and its leaders?

I still want to think so.

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Relationships Drive Results

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Patti Fralix

Relationships can be tricky; they can drive positive results, or negative results.  The magic is, we get to choose.  If you are like me, and did not pay enough attention to the importance of good and positive relationships early enough, you know that we wasted a lot of time.  We spent too much time trying to be right, failing to recognize that others could make us wrong. We spent too much time on building our business, and not enough time on building relationships.

Thankfully, it isn’t too late.  It isn’t too late to connect with the others that we really care about, professionally and personally. For if we don’t really care about them, they know it, and anything we do to indicate otherwise is wasted time.  And time is too precious to be wasted.

I am reminded of the fact that most of my business these twenty-two years has been built upon the power of referrals.  That is such a powerful message when I slow down enough to think about it, which isn’t often enough.

There are some heroes/mentors that have helped me to understand at the deepest level the power of relationships.  Jim Cathcart and Bill Brooks, who gave this young professional speaker a chance to get immersed in the business, are two of those.  I am so grateful, and still feel a sense of awe when I see Jim at meetings and he greets me by name, and I grieve that Bill is no longer with us, but his legacy is forever with me.  I can only hope that I have a similar impact on others.

One of my very best friends (for almost 45 years) was Bryan Townsend, who loved me and mentored me in so many ways.  He died much too soon a couple of years ago, but not before modeling a life of  humility and graciousness, more important qualities than all of his good other qualities, and he had many.

As I think of my business, I have several examples of how relationships have driven results.  I have had the privilege of “going deep” within companies, where CEOs have “released” me to work with their staff in profound ways, not feeling the need to control what I did.  Dana Jennings, Render Dahiya, Eric Vaughn and Penny Washington come immediately to mind.  I want to publically thank them and their staff for the trust they placed in me.  They model the best of Empowerment.

And then there is the importance of personal relationships.  With the New Year upon us, how is it with our family? For the importance of whatever platform we speak on pales in comparison to the importance of the platform we live on.  Does our family know that we love and value them?  How are we doing in that area?

Welcome to the musings of this Leadership speaker/consultant.  I promise to comfort the disturbed, and disturb the comforted. (Credit to Elizabeth Jeffries, who voiced this the first time I heard it.)  I welcome you to do the same.

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It’s in the SAUCE!®

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Patti Fralix

Welcome back to the Blog!  After a too long hiatus, I have become convinced that social media is necessary to spread one’s message to those that may need it, and want to hear it.  So I have resurrected the Blog, and renamed it “It’s in the SAUCE!®.” I welcome your feedback as I (again) put my feet in this Blog pool somewhat timidly.

“It’s in the SAUCE!®” is the name of a trademark I own, and the name of a 20 question personality tool that I developed many years ago.  The questionnaire has been used in many venues, including in an international meeting of scientists from a major pharmaceutical company, focused on Leadership, to individual coaching sessions, and many venues in between.

“It’s in the SAUCE!®” also expresses one of my dominant philosophies.  Just like the best sauces are a combination of flavors, not one flavor; the best teams are a combination of differences, not people who are all alike.  This is an important philosophy in Team Building.

“It’s in the SAUCE!®” has other meanings as well.  It speaks to the philosophy of the Trinity, used here in various ways.  One application of this is the Trinity of Passion, Productivity, and Profit, with the philosophy that it is the integration of Passion and Productivity that best results in profitability and prosperity.  It also speaks to the three types of work; Market work (work for pay,) Family Work (hopefully needing no explanation,) and Volunteer Work (civic, church or other types of volunteer work.)

I welcome you to take the “It’s in the SAUCE!®” journey with me, as we discuss, debate and deliver what are hopefully powerful messages to a larger audience, an audience that can change the world for the better for all of us.  Thank you for beginning the journey with me.

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