Valentine’s Day just passed, and I hope you had a loving one. Whether your day was filled with flowers, chocolates, dinner out or in, hopefully, you were able to celebrate with someone you love. On this one day set aside to honor love, even if you did not celebrate at all, if you were safe, you were more fortunate than some.
For some in Kansas City, love was not enough. On a day set aside to honor the most recent Super Bowl champions, the Kansas City Chiefs, gunmen opened fire, killing one person and injuring twenty-one others, some critically. By the time this blog is read, those numbers may have changed.
I have wondered before what circumstances make a hero and a criminal. I wonder about that again. Of course, there is no easy answer to this. There is sometimes mental illness involved in those who commit terrible crimes. But that is not always the case. Some people do terrible things, even criminal things, who are not mentally ill. Some people commit such actions who are just mean. “Mean” does not seem like a strong enough word for someone who commits terrible acts of violence. Let’s call this person contemptible.
Our words have a lot to do with how someone feels about themselves, right or wrong.
I am not really trying to answer this question that begs to be answered, even if there are no simple answers to the question. And I am not really making the Kansas City parade the reference point to this question. There are numerous examples of horrific actions caused by contemptible people. What I am questioning is what place love plays in how we turn out.
What is love, even? We just celebrated the romantic definition of love. But romantic love is not the kind of love that makes us feel safe. Romantic love is not the kind of love that keeps us from hurting others.
I am not generalizing violence caused, even in part, by a lack of love of any kind. I am only wondering if there is a connection between love, nurturing love that makes us feel safe, to treating others with love, not hate.
What does love have to do with it? A question without an easy answer. But definitely a question that needs exploration.
As one who has experienced significant Change in the past few years, one would think that I would be used to Change. But not. While I know at a surface level that the only constant is Change, I still struggle when I am experiencing Change, especially major Change. Of course, you might be thinking, why would I not know that?
Since I started my business in 1992, thirty-two years ago, I have been a speaker and consultant, a teacher and a student of the subject of Change. I know the research on Change, or at least, much of it. I have taught others how to successfully deal with Change, helping them navigate Change waters individually, as teams, and as organizations. I have tried to walk my talk on this, not just talk my walk. Yet still, I struggle.
My readers have walked through some of these changes with me, the most dramatic being the sale of our primary home, and our downsizing into a much smaller and very different home a little over a year ago. I am still dealing with that. While it is true that time helps us to cope with loss, we are never the same at our core when we experience major Change, especially when the Change was mainly chosen because it was the practical decision to make, for those in our age group and with our circumstances.
My loved van. You can’t see the extensive damage.
Recently, other unwanted changes have come our way. Mike and I have had both of our vehicles totaled by our insurance company since September. Mike’s vehicle was totaled from an accident that involved only him in September. He was not hurt, thankfully. While our insurance company initially totaled his car, we decided to keep it and have it repaired, and we are glad that we did.
Mike and I were in my van stopped at a traffic light on December 23rd when a driver in another car who was apparently going too fast and driving recklessly caused an accident involving seven vehicles. Mike and I were not hurt, (although some others were) but my 2017 Chrysler Pacifica van was totaled. Since the damage was so significant and the van had approximately 230,000 miles on it, we decided that it made sense to not attempt to have that vehicle repaired. While I loved that van and hoped to drive it another year or two, I was soon in the market for a new, or rather, previously owned, vehicle. The question became, what type of vehicle did I want? Or rather, regardless of what I might want, what type of vehicle made sense for me at this point in my life?
I was clear about two things related to my vehicle search. I wanted a vehicle that runs fine on regular unleaded gas, not premium. And I wanted a vehicle with more recent safety features, such as a backup camera and side and lane-changing warning lights and sounds. And while I had had a van for many years and loved the ability to carry furniture and other stuff (for my side business, antiques, and gifts,) my family and friends convinced me that it was time for a smaller vehicle. While I agreed that it was time for a smaller vehicle, the question became, how much smaller?
Without going into all of the whys and wherefores of my final decision, I am now the driver of a 2021 Honda CR-V, Touring. While it is smaller than my earlier choices, I have decided that it is right for me. It has enough room for hauling most of the stuff I need to haul at my age, and the few times a year that I need a larger vehicle, I can rent one, or borrow one. That is my logical side talking. My emotional side misses my van terribly. While this is not a change the magnitude of selling our primary home, it is a major change for one who has driven, and loved, larger vehicles for many years.
My new car!
I have heard only positive feedback from others about Hondas in general and Honda CR-Vs in particular. Having driven my new car for a week now, I have had a positive experience with it. It is much easier to drive than my van, and it has enough room for Mike and me and what we should be carrying to and fro. While it will take us some time to learn how to use all of its bells and whistles, I am enjoying one of those. My iPhone charges without plugging it into an outlet; there is a pad that charges it. Now, that is cool!
One of the selling features at Carmax where I purchased the Honda was a thirty-day (not to exceed 1500 miles) return for a full refund. While I have only driven the Honda a week, I have not allowed myself to calculate the miles. I do not want to be tempted to return it. It drives fine, it has some important safety features that I want, and there are entirely too many choices to consider if I decide this vehicle isn’t the one for me. I am tired of the car buying process, although my salesperson at Carmax, Mamadu, was excellent.
While he has no idea how many miles I have driven, I am sure Mamadu is watching the calendar for my month allowing a return of the Honda to end. So am I.
Judy and Tom Boone dancing as the Band, I-42 from Eastern NC, played Beach Music.
Mike and I traveled to Wilson, NC last Saturday for our annual Wilson Cotillion Ball. We were living in Wilson in the mid-eighties, and we were one of the thirteen original couples who started the Cotillion. Although Mike and I moved to Raleigh in 1987, we have stayed involved in the Cotillion. We enjoy going back to Wilson for the annual Ball and the two informal dancing events each year.
Dan and Paula Michalak, more recent members of the Cotillion, who epitomize “Dancing the Night Away!”Branch and Kim Benton.
There is some difference of opinion about how many years we have been together in the Wilson Cotillion but suffice it to say that it is almost forty, and depending on how it is counted, it may even be 40. Regardless of the number of people with the most agreement about our tenure, that is a very long time!
Diane and Ashley Hooks, who left Cabo early to be at the Ball!
The Cotillion was the brainchild of our dancing teacher, Gene Barnes. Gene was a well-respected dancer, whose career included teaching dancing in New York and performing on off-Broadway. He was also the uncle of one of our friends, Judy Boone. Judy and her husband Tom are also one of the original thirteen couples. Gene taught many of us ballroom dancing and birthed the Cotillion idea, but unfortunately, he passed away soon before our first Ball. Those of us who knew and loved Gene have him on our minds and hearts as we dance in his memory and honor.
(L to R) Kim Benton, Mike, Vicky Collie, and Richard Collie. Kim, Mike, and Vicky are all inaugural Cotillion members.
We have grown from the original thirteen couples to our number most years being fifty couples. Life and circumstances have changed for some of the original thirteen couples. At Saturday night’s Ball, we only had three of the original thirteen couples: the Boones, Kim and Branch Benton, and us, and two other spouses of deceased members from that group.
Ellen and Bowie Gray, younger Cotillion members!
What keeps a group like the Wilson Cotillion still going strong for so many years? The most important variable for a dancing club is dancing, and having great bands has knitted the group together. There has also been good leadership in our group, with different people serving in the various necessary roles.
Nancy Barber, from one of the original 13 couples. Nancy’s husband John passed away a few years ago.Gerald and Phyllis Renfrow, who come back for the Cotillion from Beaufort.
Then there is the issue of new blood. New members are invited to join by current members. Were it not for current members being happy with their experience, staying involved, and inviting others to join, the Wilson Cotillion would have died a natural death many years ago. And of course, new blood comes with new ideas, so the organization has changed as it has evolved. Some of the growing pains have been uncomfortable at times, but the strength of the collective has withstood those changes.
Patti and Mike Fralix, honored to be with the Wilson Cotillion for (I think it is!) 40 years!
I hope you have wonderful history with friends like we have in the Wilson Cotillion, perhaps even dancing together! Although the moves of those of us in our later years aren’t as nimble as they were even ten years ago, much less forty, we keep moving and dancing the night away!
I so appreciate my cousin Garry’s kindness in reaching out to me, for connecting, after so many years have passed. He could not have, and he didn’t have to, but he did.
I am by no means an expert on social media. I am an infrequent user of Facebook and Instagram. I have never been on TikTok. And that is the extent of my knowledge of social media platforms. But tonight, I am grateful for Facebook being used to connect me to a family member I have not heard from or about in more than fifty years!
I need to reconnect with these cousins. Do you know which one is me?
I had a message on Facebook from a cousin who is now in his mid-fifties, who I have not heard about (and never heard from before) since he was a young child. He reached out, just checking in, wanting to connect. He lost a daughter in her late teens to cancer recently. His words, “I realize more now than ever before how important family is and some people make a lasting impression” touched me at the core. After going back and forth on Facebook Messenger, we decided to talk by phone later this week and catch up more.
I look forward to reconnecting with that side of my family after so many years. The reason that this part of my family has not been in contact for many years is not as important as the fact that one person cared enough to reach out and connect, after even more than fifty years. It is never too late, as long as there is breath. And as long as one person cares enough to do so.
What does family mean to you? Do you have family members with whom you are disconnected, physically and/or emotionally? You may think you do not need to be connected to some of your family, and maybe you don’t. But what is there to lose by doing so? And it is possible that there is much to gain.
A wonderful way to remember a lost loved one.
It only takes one person to start the chain reaction of connection. Could that be you?
Well, it isn’t really a shopping mall. It is the Atlanta Gift Market. It is where retail shop buyers shop. I am here for one of the two large shopping markets that are held each year. One is in January, and the other is in July. I recall the first time I went to the Market many years ago. I was overwhelmed, as I am each time I go. I vowed to never pay full price for retail again. I am sure that I have not held totally true to that pledge, but it is true that I rarely pay retail prices for many things.
I have had a space at Northrop Antiques Mall in Southport for many years. We sell more gifts now than period antiques. We sell what people buy!
The reason I am at the Gift Market is to purchase items for my antiques and gifts business, which I have had for many years. It is truly a side business and fills my need for beauty. While I do not net much revenue from it, I have learned how to not lose too much money at it. Since reducing debt is my main goal for 2024, I will be evaluating the financial impact of this love of mine to make sure that it is truly profitable.
One of my two spaces at Northrop Antiques Mall in Southport. A glimpse of my space at Crossroads Gathering Place on Oak Island, North Carolina.
Being at the Gift Market has magnified the difficulty in keeping one of my commitments. I made a decision/commitment a couple of years ago to support American businesses, and especially small businesses. One aspect of that decision was to not buy anything that I knew was made in China. That is quite difficult, as you might know, since many items are made in China. This decision is not about concerns about the quality of items made in China. It is about doing my small part to begin to turn the tide from America’s dependence on lower-priced Chinese goods and, hopefully, to return some of the manufacturing of goods to the United States. My decision also relates to the increased geopolitical tensions between the U.S. and China. This decision does not extend to other Asian countries or other countries; it is specific to China. While I can’t do much to impact our dependence on China, I can do this.
A great shop in St. Marys, GA, Market on the Square. This sweet store has the best part-time salesperson, my granddaughter, Mary Grace, when she is home from UGA!
Just like January each year, people are not shopping in physical stores much this month. I suppose all of the shopping at Christmas has many people focused on paying for those purchases and not making many more purchases yet. Even with big box stores full of items for Valentine’s Day and Easter, in-person retail is slow. I wonder if the slowdown in in-person retail extends to online sales. I expect that it does, although I imagine online sales are more robust than in-store sales. Amazon is probably still doing fine.
Amazingly so, one of my best sellers!
I had an interesting situation a few days ago. I had a charge I did not recognize from Amazon on my debit card. I thought it was a fraud charge and disputed it with my bank, which required that my debit card be cancelled. Soon after, I realized that it was an automatic charge for Amazon Prime, in the amount of $149.43. I was shocked at the amount, realizing that I was probably not getting the value from Amazon Prime. The only reason I use Amazon Prime is for free shipping, and I do not order enough items per year to warrant that charge. I do not really know how much the shipping charges for the items I buy would be, but I want to know that, and decide if I should just pay for shipping and avoid the annual fee. This is similar to the other membership fees that get paid without even thinking about them, and they add up.
One of my favorite books. Is shopping consistent with Sustainable Minimalism? We get to decide!Only if you can afford it, and if it is consistent with your goals.
Amazon has gotten too easy. I am not anti-Amazon, but If I really want to support small businesses, I need to buy more from small local businesses and less from Amazon.
This is true for more than Amazon Prime Day.
I think I am rambling. What is this about? It started off about shopping and is now about mindfulness. Shopping is not a problem, but spending money we do not need to spend is, whether the spending relates to online, in-store, or on things like membership charges. Mindfulness in spending money is a worthy goal, especially at the beginning of the year, and especially if the goal is to reduce debt. So, I plan to evaluate all of my expenses and decide which ones to eliminate or reduce.
What about you? Do you have any money goals this year? If so, it is time to get started on seeing those goals realized. January is more than half over.
Judy and me after a trip antiquing in Nashville in 2017.
I am in Alabama this week, helping my friend, Judy, recover from Rotator Cuff surgery. This time reminds me of the long lazy days of Covid when we were housebound, able to read, cook, and clean closets. Those days flowed seamlessly from one to the other. These seven days remind me of those.
One of my favorite gifts given to me by Judy many years ago. I use it everyday that I am home.
While Judy is sitting with her arm in a sling, iced down and raised on a pillow, she requires little care. We have watched endless movies, eaten great food prepared by family and friends, and watched the days flow into nights. I treasure this time, aware that we never know what tomorrow will bring. Being able to sit and talk with this dear friend of fifty-six years is a pleasure that I do not take for granted. Knowing that her surgery will relieve her of her shoulder pain makes the cause for this respite feel like a vacation for me, if not really so for her.
One of the many meals I cooked during COVID.How my hair looks when my very talented stylist does it. I wish I could do so well!
I realize that I do not slow down enough, always on the go with a myriad of activities that keep me busy. The last movie I saw at the theatre was The Notebook, and before that Sabrina and Forrest Gump. You probably can’t remember how long ago those movies were at the theatre! I do not watch movies on TV either, so the ability to do so is a pleasure I am enjoying. Have you seen The Holiday, Miss Congeniality, It’s Complicated, the Other Woman, or The Proposal? I encourage you to find a weekend in which you can TV movie binge and watch these movies. While I enjoyed them all, my favorites were The Holiday and It’s Complicated.
Judy’s daughter (and my namesake, the “Patti“ part!) Patti Anne, her husband Justin, and children Suzy and Jake. A memory from 1978, me holding Patti Anne.
January and February are slow months, good times for us to slow down. We should not need a friend’s shoulder surgery to give us a reason to do so. Whether it is watching movies, catching up on our reading, or even doing something more active that we do not have enough time to do when life is busier, enjoying these slower months can provide us a much-ended respite.
It won’t be long before I will be back in North Carolina, looking back on this week with fond memories and a few extra pounds, treasuring this time spent with a dear friend.
Four days into 2024, how is it going for you? Did you make New Year’s Resolutions? If so, have you kept them? Whatever your plan for the changes you want to make this year, daily focus is required. When we think of changes we want to make, daily changes are doable. If we try to focus on even a month of those changes, they can seem overwhelming. I recommend we start slowly, even set the bar low, and rejoice over our success.
Make time for Cappuccino!
Of course, we want to make changes that will last more than a day. Our goals need to be for longer than a day. I recommend that we set yearly goals, maybe even five-year goals, and then determine what changes we need to make on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis to achieve those goals. But if we take it one day at a time, we are more likely to be successful.
Important attributes of effective people.
One of your goals/New Year’s resolutions may be to lose weight. Be specific. How many pounds do you want to lose, in what period of time? Be clear about those specifics. Once you have determined the specifics, then decide what daily changes need to be made for you to accomplish your weight loss goal.
Next, decide what activities are important for you to be successful and lose the weight you want to lose. There are many at your disposal. The most important is to consume fewer calories and (probably) increase your physical activity. Then monitor your progress daily. This may include weighing daily, or not. That is a personal choice. It helps me to weigh daily, and that has been my pattern for many years. Except when I am traveling. While I sometimes travel with my scale, and I did have it with me the week we were in GA for Christmas, I left it in the car most of the time. I really did not know if I had maintained my weight, gained, or lost. I thought I had probably gained a couple of pounds and was surprised when I returned home and weighed and had actually lost a couple of pounds. That was a pleasant surprise.
The most common New Year’s resolutions are to lose weight, to stop drinking alcohol, and to reduce debt. My focus in 2024 is to reduce debt. This will be harder for me than losing weight and becoming alcohol-free. I met my weight loss goal and became alcohol-free in 2019. I stopped drinking alcohol on May 7, 2019, and rejoined Weight Watchers, and got serious about my weight loss journey on May 16, 2019. In 2024, I will celebrate the fifth anniversary of making both changes.
Make “Yes, I Can” your mantra!
It is easier for me to remain alcohol-free and even to stay within my weight goal than it will be to reduce my debt. I am, however, committed to this goal. I will keep you posted on my progress.
Give yourself flowers.
How about you? What will it take for you to feel successful in keeping your 2024 New Year’s resolutions? While most people refer to the changes they decide to make at the beginning of a year as New Year’s resolutions, I prefer to discuss New Year’s resolutions as commitments to ourselves. When we make a commitment to ourselves, it seems to carry more weight than a resolution.
Whatever you call them, New Year’s resolutions or commitments, let’s think of them as promises to ourselves. I wish you great success in keeping your promises to yourself. I would love to hear from you about your progress and help you in any way that I can. Check in with me and let me know how it is going.
Hard though it is to believe, here comes a new year. In just a few days, 2023 will be history, and 2024 will be on the horizon. What shall we make of this new year?
Information in this 2006 book is still timely.
It is time to review the goals we set for 2023, evaluate our progress, and where we fell short. That is an important step before determining our focus for the new year. Each year does not stand on its own. One year flows into the next. If we are not careful, we can set the same goals each year, and never accomplish them.
This message to keep moving forward is powerful.
How did you do with the goals you set for 2023? Take a long hard look at yourself and be honest about your progress or lack thereof. This does not mean that you should be harsh with yourself, just honest. If you have not been successful with what you planned to accomplish, determine why. What did you do, or not do, that kept you from successfully accomplishing your goals? On the other hand, perhaps you have been successful? How did that happen? What worked for you?
Or you may be in the group of people who failed to even set goals. If this is the case, we should agree that our failure is in not setting goals. We can’t be successful in this if we fail to even set goals.
Once we have reviewed our progress in goal setting in 2023, we can then decide what we want from 2024, and set goals to accomplish those things. What changes do we want to make? What will it take for us to feel successful at the end of 2024?
In one respect, a year is a very long time. In another, a year passes so quickly. Our lives are getting shorter by the minute. Time is our most important resource. We can make our time fruitful, or waste it.
What shall it be for me and you in 2024? Are we going to take the time to plan what we want from this next year, so that it is possible that we can accomplish it? Or will we squander our time, wondering where the year went when it is over?
You will make your own decisions about this, as will I. Let’s just hope that this time next year we can be proud of our decisions.
This is the time of year that many of us are knee-deep in gifts, at least material gifts. Even those who complain about all of the materialism of the season find themselves buying and wrapping a few gifts. I love gift buying, although I don’t particularly enjoy the wrapping. I enjoy picking out and purchasing gifts with the receiver in mind, hopefully buying what others will enjoy receiving.
Our Christmas tree full of memories.
While I also enjoy receiving gifts, especially if the gift(s) are obviously chosen especially for me, I love giving most of all. The cost of the gift does not matter to me. I am just as thankful about receiving a gift that was chosen just for me, even if the cost of the gift was nominal, as I am receiving an expensive gift. What matters most is the fact that the giver thought about what I would enjoy receiving. While I am sure I do not always hit this mark, I do my best to consider what the receiver will enjoy more than what is on sale or easiest to find.
One of our annual family ornaments. A tradition Mike started in 1984.
Gifts are one of my love languages. This does not mean that I am materialistic. It is more about the sentimentality and thought than it is about the value of the gift (WikiHow.) This love language is considered the most misunderstood of all five of the love languages. The other love languages are quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. There is a free online quiz that can help one identify one’s love language.
Gifts of cards from friends near and far.
If gifts are not your love language, it may be difficult for you to understand the importance of tangible gifts to the one to whom gifts are important. Regardless, spend some time thinking of those who you plan to buy gifts for, and determine what they would likely most enjoy receiving. While it is easy to give money and gift cards, and those are fine presents for some people, they are not the best presents for others. Giving experiences as gifts has become popular, and while those are good gifts for people who love experiences and do not prefer something tangible, they are not the best gifts for everyone.
A gift given many years ago by my friend of 56 years, Judy.
If this information is overwhelming, it is likely that gifts are not your love language! If you spend some time thinking about the likes and preferences of those for whom you are buying a gift, it will be easier for you to select gifts that will be most enjoyed by others.
Mike also started our collection of White House ornaments many years ago.
Gifts for others is only one focus of gifts, especially at this time of the year, and not the most important. I hope we are also knee-deep in the real gift of Christmas, the gift of Christ. While I recognize that not all readers consider this perspective important, I must be true to my belief that Christ is the real meaning of Christmas. While I fail quite often in living this truth, it is my failure, not that of Christ.
A gift I bought this year. Not that we needed any more ornaments!
Our church, Trinity Baptist in Raleigh, had its Christmas Cantata last Sunday, and it was spectacular. Our pastor, Dr. Jeff Roberts, ended the celebration with these words:
Most likely you do not have time to read a long-winded blog. Nor do I have time to write one. I suppose others are experiencing the same, and that is why I have seen so many sayings online lately instead of articles. I thought I would use this space to share some of them with you in photo form.
Choose one or two of the sayings that speak to your heart and figure out what messages they are sending you. Then decide what to do about them.
Amid this season’s busyness, let’s commit to enjoying life, in honor of those who no longer have that privilege.
It's In The Sauce! 