The view from our condo at The Royal Islander in St Maarten.
Mike and I arrived here for our two-week vacation on Saturday. I am always amazed at the beauty all around. From the 37 beaches, (not that we have been to all of them!) to the mountains visible from airport road, to our lovely home away from home large oceanfront condo, beauty surrounds us. As I write this, I am sitting on a chaise lounge on our large wrap-around deck, enjoying the breeze, totally relaxed. This is exactly how vacation is supposed to feel.
Mike and I came to St. Maarten for the first time for a week in mid-December 2000. While we had no plans to do so, we left having purchased two weeks in a 3 bedroom 3 ½ bathroom penthouse condo. The only downside to this was that our fixed time is during hurricane season, the end of August and first of September! We have been fortunate most years in having no weather disruptions, although we were here for Hurricane Irma on September 6, 2017. You can read all about that experience in my blogs posted at that time, and in my book, Changing Me From The Inside Out. I decided that if there is any indication of a hurricane again, I will leave on the next flight out! While our hurricane experience had some valuable lessons to teach us, I do not want to experience another one.
A gift from our favorite jeweler, Ron at Joe’s Jewelry in Philipsburg in St. Maarten. Ron’s gift also included a bottle of Champagne.
Although Mike and I are here alone these two weeks, we have had many family members and friends accompany us through the years. I have been going down memory lane about that, remembering some who are no longer with us other than in spirit. That includes good friends who were more family than friends, Shirshee Davis and Bryan Townsend, as well as Uncle Barry and close friends Anna Upchurch and John Barber. Memories of our times with them here keep them forever with us.
St. Maarten feels like a second home to us. We have our favorite jeweler here, Ron at Joe’s Jewelry in Philipsburg, who is responsible for me loving jewelry. Ron and others greet us each time as if we are family. While Mike and I have traveled a lot and love many places around the world, none feel like home as does St. Maarten. The comfort of going to many of the same places each time we are here, seeing how things have changed and stayed the same, provides a sense of peace.
More to come from beautiful St. Maarten/St. Martin.
I do not know why I have had, and still have, so much stuff. I am still cleaning out and finding all kinds of things, many of which I do not want to part with. While I haven’t yet conquered the “having too much stuff” demon, I have made a decision about not bringing any more stuff into our home. There is just no room, and we do not need much of what we have. Bear with me as I discuss this in a little more detail.
These random words on a note found yesterday are a message of what I need to change and do.
One of my habits is making notes on random pieces of paper. While cleaning out some tote bags today (of which I have too many!) I found a couple of pieces of paper with notes on them. One of them had these words: “Spending money, time, and energy on things we don’t need.” There is no caption to this, just those words. If those words did have a caption, it could be this: “What is something you want to change?”
The other sentence on this piece of paper is: “Fill up your space as the need arises. Be ok with space being empty.” Wow; powerful. And I believe Heaven sent. This is a message I need at this time in my life.
These notes found yesterday are a message to me of needed behaviors.
The other piece of paper has these words:“ Competencies: Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, Self-Motivation, Empathy, and Effective Relationships.” All of these relate to the individual self. The first three; Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, and Self-Motivation are related to our behavior with ourselves, and the last two, Empathy and Effective Relationships, relate to our behavior with others. All five are necessary behaviors for us to possess to be effective.
Now, what do the random thoughts on the two pieces of paper have to do with my decision to not bring anything else into our home? The first piece of paper mentioned is obviously a close connection, especially the part about being okay with space being empty. And if I do not spend money, time, and energy on things we don’t need, I will be practicing Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, and Self-Motivation.
This precious granddaughter, Hayden Elise, turned 1 on August 15th.
Now, before I make a promise that I can’t keep, I will add one qualifier. I may, note I say “may,” not “will,” bring something into our home, but only if something goes out. Then again, I may not, for what we have is really fine; we do not need anything else.
Have empathy for me on this journey. It is not easy.
On the drive recently to the mountains to pick up granddaughter Virginia from camp, I listened to Audible. 101 ESSAYS that will CHANGE the way YOU THINK by Brianna Wiest, which I had listened to previously, has some wonderful nuggets of wisdom. I also reviewed notes I had taken previously from some other audiotapes.
Here are 10 of my favorite Thoughts.
We were born to Actualize our life, not to Analyze it.
Follow Purpose Passionately.
Choose a Life of No Excuses.
There Are Questions to which Answers May Not Exist.
Just Be a Good Human and Work Hard.
When You Find Yourself Hanging on Too Tight, It’s Time to Let Go.
Common Sense is not always Common Practice.
Get Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable.
Start Where You Are, Use What You Have, and Do What You Can.
Now is All the Time We Have.
I imagine at least one or two of these thoughts will resonate with you. I know they do with me. I am determining what they mean for me at this time in my life and am actualizing the insight these nuggets of wisdom provide me.
How about you? Do you find wisdom in these thoughts? If so, where can that wisdom take you?
Virginia and Tara on the porch of VA’s cabin, Avalon.
With temperatures hovering around a hundred degrees in our area for too many days, a trip to the mountains this week was a welcome reprieve. I drove to Sapphire, NC to meet daughter Tara for camp pick-up of granddaughter Virginia at Camp Merrie-Woode. I enjoyed the entire experience, including the five-hour drive up and back listening to an audible tape, time alone with Tara including dinner, and seeing camp through Virginia’s eyes. The weather was perfect, cool, and crisp with no humidity. The majesty of the mountains reminded me of how small we really are, as are our problems. A more frequent trip to the mountains could do wonders for my soul.
Mailbox at Camp Merrie-Woode. Virginia received 28 letters for her 10 days at camp, and more were sent that did not make it before she left!
Our family knows Camp Merrie-Woode well. Daughter Tara was a camper there when she was about the same age as Virginia (11.) Virginia’s older sister Mary Grace, now in college at UGA, was a camper at Merrie-Woode in 2019. (Before Merrie-Woode, Mary Grace and Elsie went to Camp Seafarer on the coast of NC for several years.) All three granddaughters, Mary Grace, Elsie, and Virginia were registered for Camp Merrie-Woode in 2020, but COVID intervened. Mary Grace is interested in being a counselor at Merrie-Woode next year, and Virginia wants to return to Camp Merrie-Woode for a longer camp experience.
Nana and VA.
The surrounding areas of Cashiers and Highlands are a shopping mecca, and I allowed time in my travels to browse the shops. I was interested in seeing how items in stores compared to Raleigh and Southport. I was surprised to see puzzles that are priced at $24.95 in my store in Southport and priced at $30 in Highlands! While I enjoyed the shopping experience, I only purchased tea and coffee!
Mary Grace, Virginia, Tara, and Elsie in Mary Grace’s cabin at Camp Merrie-Woode in 2019; Avalon, VA’s cabin this year!
Camp Merrie-Woode had not changed from what I remembered. It is such a peaceful place, nestled in the mountains, feeling far removed from the hectic lives we too often live. The campers are not allowed to have any devices. Like most children her age, Virginia enjoys her iPad, and whether she brought it was one of Virginia’s first questions of her mother. Tara had brought it, knowing the 6.5-hour drive back home would be a more pleasant experience with the company of the device.
The flowers in the area are beautiful. These were at Cornucopia, the restaurant where Tara and I had dinner the night before camp pick-up. The food was delicious, the service was excellent, and the ambiance warm and inviting.
One of the highlights of the visit was seeing Tara’s name on the ceiling of her cabin, where it has been since she was a camper there. Mary Grace’s name is on a plaque to be added to her cabin, and Virginia’s name will also be added to that same cabin since she was in the same cabin as Mary Grace.
Lots of history.
As one who loves traditions, Camp Merrie-Woode is a tradition that provides continuity in our family. I am still in awe of how fast the years pass, and it was surreal to be at CMW, remembering Tara being there, then her daughters.
Too often our lives are filled with experiences that are transitory. Camp Merrie-Woode has become a permanent part of our family’s history.
Mike and I spent the weekend cleaning out the remaining boxes from our move that were still in the garage. It was painful and yet also heartwarming. Not only did we have to make decisions about what Not to keep, we faced some wonderful memories. One of those was a note Mike wrote of remarks he made at his boss’s funeral many years ago.
Rob Hawkins was Mike’s boss when he was in college and worked at a local restaurant, The Flying Cloud. Mike started out there as a busboy and advanced to Beverage Manager. Most likely Mike’s advancement had something to do with him and even more with his boss, Rob Hawkins. Mike left that job when he graduated from North Carolina State University in 1975. He maintained contact with Rob Hawkins and his wife Barbara even after they moved to Richmond. When Mike and I married I had the privilege of getting to know the Hawkins. Mike was so honored when Barbara asked him to speak at Rob’s funeral.
Mike’s comments included lessons he learned from Rob that he carried with him to his other jobs. Lessons that included:
Work Hard and Play Hard
Enjoy What You Do and Have Fun While You Work
Serve Your Customer
Take Time to Laugh at Yourself
Treat All People Fairly
Be Willing To Do What You Ask Others To Do
Love Those Tables, Love Those Chairs
Six of those points are most likely familiar to you; the seventh might not be. “Love Those Tables, Love Those Chairs” expressed the importance of turning over the tables and chairs, which could be a menial task, unless one remembers the importance to the customer, and ultimately to the business. That is also an example of having fun while you work.
Is it really important to have fun at work? Isn’t work supposed to be work? Well, yes, work is work, and yes, it should be fun. Someone famous (whose name I can’t recall) once said, “If work isn’t more fun than work, you’re doing it wrong!” I am reminded of our oldest daughter, Tara, who says her favorite and best job ever was when she was in high school and worked at Classic Coffees, a coffee shop in North Raleigh. Tara has had several other jobs, most as an attorney. The reason she gives for Classic Coffees being her favorite job is that her boss, Jeff, made it FUN. That was thirty years ago, and I still buy coffee from Jeff, who now has a wholesale coffee business based in Raleigh. I have no doubt that Jeff is still creating a fun work environment.
It was great to see Tara’s best boss ever, Jeff Vojta, at Northrop Antiques Mall in Southport last summer.
Rob and Jeff both knew that having Fun at work made for a happier workplace. They both knew that productivity did not suffer when people had fun at work; quite the contrary. When people have fun at work, they do not waste time, they work more effectively as a team to serve the customers.
Still drinking coffee in Classic Coffees mug!
Among the papers Mike and I uncovered in our cleaning out were cards and notes from people who had worked with Mike through the years. Comments in those are evidence that Mike learned the lessons Rob was a living example of.
How about your workplace, is it a fun place to work? If you are a manager, take heed. It is your responsibility to lead, not control, people. Part of this happens by creating a healthy and fun workplace. So, people who worked with you (note, “worked with you, not for you) will tell others thirty years later how much fun working with you was.
The customer tells us what they want and expect, but too often we aren’t listening. Or we may hear, and fail to do what is desired or expected. Then what could be a good experience becomes a disappointing one. I had this situation at a nail salon recently when I was getting a pedicure.
I like my water hot, hotter than I suppose is the norm. So I always tell the nail technician this, and sometimes I do not get the water temperature that I want. Why? I think because the technician is not focused on me having a great experience. In fact, the last one seemed very bothered by my request and handled it in a passive-aggressive manner. That was my first time at that salon, and it will be my last. Even though it is the closest salon to my new home.
Pedicures will never result in this kind of beauty.
Since I was the only one in the nail salon, I think they need my business. But I make it a point to give my business where it is appreciated. I will drive farther to do so.
And in case it isn’t obvious, pedicures are expensive. I refuse to spend that much money to be aggravated.
Having a writing drought, I decided to just jot down some random thoughts. A pattern may emerge.
Mike and I visited granddaughter, Mary Grace, in Athens last weekend, and had dinner at Last Resort Grill. Mary Grace is in the Thrive program at UGA.
We can’t figure it all out, so why try?
Enjoy the moment. It is all we have.
Obsessing over things we can’t control can make us crazy.
If we have food, shelter, and safety, what else do we really need? Well, love.
None of us are who we used to be. There is sadness in that, and also relief.
Looking around I see some with so much more, and some with so much less.
A smile and a little kindness can brighten someone else’s day, and maybe even ours.
Tip more than you have to, and even more than you think you should.
It is easier to stay on a merry-go-round than to get off.
People who continually disappoint us are sending us a strong signal.
If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
There is comfort in everyday happenings.
If we don’t play, we can’t win. Someone will win the lottery.
Fear robs us of joy.
It is a blessing to be able to sleep soundly.
It is easier to revert back to unhealthy habits than to sustain healthy ones.
Knowing our values and living by them keeps us centered.
Most of us are doing the best we can. If we could do better, we would.
When we are stuck, we need to just keep moving.
In the words of Uncle Barry, we should keep going as long as we can.
A very random moment when I met Shirley, a friend of my friend Pam, in Always Home, a shop in Durham Pam had told me about from Shirley’s recommendation. Always Home has sold a lot of our furniture and collectibles that we downsized.
I wonder if you see any patterns. I do. But I will leave you to discover your own and decide what mine means for me.
Every day we get the opportunity to turn our life around. To be someone we want to be. To be the best version of ourselves. Even if our past has not been what we wanted it to be, our future can be. Our past does not have to determine our future. In the words of Olivia Benson of Law and Order, who said on a recent episode, “You Don’t Have to Have a Great Past to Have a Great Future.” Those words resonated with me, so I wrote them down, knowing I would use them in a blog post, although I wasn’t sure when. This seems to be the right time. Someone reading this needs this message, although I have no idea who. But you do. You know who you are.
Life can be tough. We have unexpected problems. We may be doing fine one minute, then, wham, our world turns upside down. It may be a health crisis that brings us to our knees. It may be a family problem that stops us in our tracks. It may be a financial setback that threatens to destroy all of our security. One minute our life is on a successful trend line, then the next we are struggling to even stay afloat. No one is immune from life’s twists and turns.
You may have heard the quote, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” The philosophy of this is that we must first believe. We must believe we can before we can. Even so, belief alone isn’t enough. All of the positive affirmations will be empty beliefs if we do not put action to our beliefs. But action alone can have us spinning our wheels and going nowhere if we do not truly believe in ourselves.
Believing in ourselves is not egotistical. When we believe in ourselves, we are confident, not arrogant. Confidence is necessary to turn our lives around. Be confident, then get to work to do what is necessary to put confidence into action.
Remember, our past does not determine our future. Our present does.
When July comes each year, it seems that the year is almost over. In reality, when July comes, the year is half over. And the half that just passed seems like the longer of the two halves. While we still have plenty of summer left, once September comes, several major holidays are on its heels, and time truly does fly. So even though you are still summering, give yourself some deadlines to accomplish what you decided in January you would accomplish, so 2023 can be all that you want it to be.
A healthy and nutritious meal.
In January of each year, most people make resolutions, which I prefer to call commitments. Some people want to get healthier by losing weight, exercising more, and drinking less alcohol. If this is you, how is it going? Did you make a plan and stick with it? Or has life gotten in the way, and you are way behind? Well, the good news is you still have time to accomplish what you want to accomplish in these areas. But not too much time, for once Thanksgiving and Christmas come, it is very hard to do more than maintain our weight, and exercise too often falls by the wayside. As for reducing or eliminating alcohol consumption, that can be difficult as well. Holidays with some of our testy relatives can drive us to drink! So, it is easier to get these areas in control when our lives can be calmer during the relaxing days of the summer. Then we can focus on maintaining our weight and related areas during the rest of the year.
Let’s just move forward instead of “woulda, coulda, shouda” thinking.Iced tea has replaced alcohol for me for the past 4 years.
Another area many people set goals and make resolutions in is financial matters. Spending less, living on a budget, and saving money are three areas of focus for some people. As hard as weight control and exercising consistently can be, managing our money may be even harder. I know it is for me. So, this is one of my commitments for 2023. And I have not done as well with this as I wanted to or planned to. So, July 1 is my restart date. I have six months to get my finances under better control, and I am recommitting to myself in this area. I will give you an update in mid-December. Between now and then I am going to do what my husband Mike implied I needed to do many years ago when he asked me, “When are you going to stop reading those books and do something about this?!” I have all of the information I need about financial management; it is now time to put action behind the words, live within a budget, save more, and spend less. This half of the year is not the easiest half for this focus, with Christmas and other holidays in the mix, but it is my problem that I have waited, so I will now work the plan. If you are joining me with financial management as a focus, I wish us both well on this journey. It will not be fun, but we will be so proud at the end of the next six months if we keep this commitment.
You decide what your last 3 items are!
Another area of resolutions for some people is organizing and decluttering. I have made lots of progress in these areas. Our move from a larger home to one less than half of its size has helped a lot with this commitment. But while I have made progress in this area, I still have some work to do to be where I want to be. My focus for the last half of 2023 is to reduce multiples in many areas, including kitchen utensils, dishes, and glassware. Then there is the massive amount of Christmas decorations and ornaments for the five Christmas trees we had in previous years that need to be drastically reduced. We have two large Christmas ornament collections; White House ornaments and family-personalized ornaments. These alone will decorate one Christmas tree. The bags and boxes of the others will need to be given away, sold, or donated. It tires me to even think of this since I have a very hard time letting go of stuff, even when I have no room for it. Wish me well with this one, and I will let you know how it goes.
Enough said.
How is it going for you in keeping your commitments to yourself for 2023? You may have done well; if so, celebrate. You can relax a little, and work on maintaining your progress. Or, you may have a way to go to be where you want to be. If so, just get started, or re-started. One step at a time, one day at a time. Approached this way, you will be amazed at how much can be accomplished.
Granddaughter Virginia (VA) is now 11 years old as of 6/27! Where did the years go?
After all, there are six months left in 2023! Think of it that way, looking at the glass half-full instead of half-empty. I wish you much success as you focus on your commitments to yourself. You deserve to get to the place you want to be in your identified growth areas. Make it Happen!
This thought came to me today as I was feeling disappointed in someone. I remembered a very good friend, in fact, one of my BFFs, who told me a story many years ago about her husband, who was also a very close friend of mine. He is gone now, having passed away in 2012. Those who loved him still miss him immensely. As Judy tells the story, her yard work helper replied to her fussing about her husband Bryan, and said, “Miss Judy, Mr. Bryan is doing da best he can, da best he can, Miss Judy!” If you could hear the dialect in which this was spoken, you would understand how precious this statement was! I have thought of that comment many times, and today was one of those. It helps me to understand others when I am feeling disappointed.
Are you ever disappointed in others? Do you sometimes feel that you are not getting the understanding or support (whatever that is to you) from some close friends or family members? Do you sometimes think other people are not reaching out to you in ways you need them to?
Belief in oneself is so important.
I do. One of those times was today. And just when I was about to wallow around in my pity party, that comment about “Mr. Bryan doing da best he can!” came to mind. Then I realized that most of us are doing the best we can. Even when we disappoint others, we are usually still doing the best we can. If we could do better, we would. Of course, there are some people who are so selfish or so self-absorbed that they fail to reach out to others when they could or should, but I do not believe that this is the majority of people.
I know that some of my expectations are not realistic. The bar is high with me. Even though I know this, I still end up being disappointed too often. If most people are doing the best they can, and my needs or expectations are not being met, I need to change, not the other people; me. What can I change, or should I change?
I can change my perspective on the situations. I can be grateful for what I do receive from others, focusing on the positive. Or I can change my expectations, which is an adult thing to do if I am disappointed in others very often. My expectations may not be realistic. I can realize that others are doing the best that they can and that if they could do more or better, they would.
There is one other option. I can change my friends. This is not as easy if it is family, although we can distance ourselves from family and minimize their impact on us. This is the more drastic choice, and should not be chosen lightly. But it may be a choice that some make, especially if one thinks they have more invested in the relationship than the return warrants. But before we choose this option, we need to be very sure we are willing to let the relationship go. Relationships matter and should be protected at all costs, when possible.
Powerful.
Are we willing to admit that sometimes we have unrealistic expectations of others? Are we able to admit that sometimes our perspective is not the correct one? Are we willing to admit that we may be the one who needs to change?
Are we able to accept that most people are doing the best they can?
