Uncle Barry’s last home, 2840 Colonial Drive, Suffolk, Va.
After the family took what items we wanted, the rest was sold through an online auction. This week was pickup day for those who purchased items through the auction. It was also pickup day for me, since I asked for and was given his sofa, two club chairs, and an ottoman. While I do not know when I will recover these items and where I will use them, I wanted them. I remember when Uncle B and Aunt Evelyn purchased these thirty-three years ago, and they hold much sentimental value for me, more than anything else he had. I will enjoy having them with me, literally and figuratively. For now, they are housed in my storage shed, where they can stay until the time is right for their repurposing.
Uncle B and Aunt Evelyn’s sofa that is now mine.These were hanging over Uncle B’s desk. I could not let them be thrown away.
This week I had the gift of saying goodbye to my dearly departed Uncle Barry’s home and possessions. Uncle B passed away in June, and his belongings and home have now passed as well.
To be donated.
The items that were not taken, sold, or donated will be thrown away by the auction company. It was so hard for me to watch this, knowing that Uncle B loved his home and his stuff. Although he lived a simple life and his possessions were reflective of that, I felt his presence in his things. Seeing them carted out by strangers, in most cases for pennies on the dollar, was difficult.
Mike and Uncle Barry opening presents on Christmas morning 2020.
I know that this is how it ends for all of us. As much as we like or even love our stuff, it is still only stuff. We do not take it with us, and those we leave behind will likely not want much of it. If we have time, it is best to part with most of it while we can, so our loved ones can take what they do want, and make decisions about the rest. Or it will go into an auction and go home with strangers for pennies, or be thrown away. But the memories are not thrown away, they remain with us.
One of my last photos of Uncle Barry before he went into the hospital for the last time.
As Christmas 2021 comes without Uncle B, our family will remember Christmases past with him, and will miss him terribly. He will be in our hearts forever.
There are more Christmas lights this year than I remember in years past. There are more people buying Christmas decorations and Christmas gifts than I have seen in recent years. People are talking about these differences and are giving COVID the credit. Perhaps it is credit well deserved. Last year was certainly a different holiday season. It is quite possible that this Christmas will be larger than usual, and the reason is, at least in part, due to us being somewhat in hibernation last Christmas.
It should be noted that for some people, this Christmas will not include more monetary gifts, due to financial challenges. We should not forget that even while some people will do more this year, and can afford to, this is not the reality for some others. But giving is not just monetary. There are many ways to give of ourselves without spending money.
My family knows me well. Their gifts for my recent birthday were perfect! A kindle, Chef Vivian Howard’s latest cookbook, a crystal covered dish from Tiffany, and a Tiffany bracelet. Reading, cooking, and things of beauty are very important to me.
But let’s think about tangible gifts for a moment. Some people do not want tangible gifts, that is not their love language. For others, their love language is receiving gifts, and this has nothing to do with them being selfish. It is how they feel valued by others, and this also has nothing to do with the cost of the gift. It is more about the thought that goes into the gift selection, that the other individual cares enough to think through who the person is and what he/she will enjoy. The person whose love language is receiving gifts also loves to give gifts to others, for it is how the person shows love for others.
And Gina, my able assistant who manages this blog, gave me a gift that is perfect, knowing how much I love being a Nana and writing.
Most likely you are aware of the “5 Love Languages, ” a philosophy developed many years ago by Gary Chapman. There are five love languages. Receiving Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch are the five love languages. In upcoming posts, I will discuss each of the love languages. For now, since it is the season of giving, the love language in focus is “Receiving Gifts.”
Even if your love language is not “Receiving Gifts,” it is important for you to think about those who you love and determine if “Receiving Gifts” is their love language, and act accordingly. Think about what is important to them, and find a gift, regardless of the cost, that is representative of that. Even if doing so makes no sense to you. It will make perfect sense to the one you love.
This mirror was given to me by a friend many years ago. I use it every day, and always think of her and her gift.
After all, it is the season of giving. And I will reiterate that gifts are not just tangible gifts. But giving a tangible gift to the one whose love language is “Receiving Gifts” is one way to show your love. Granted, it is not the only way to show your love, but it is an important way.
The Edible Art cakes are as delicious as they are beautiful. Our family has been enjoying them for more than thirty years.
I have heard it said that the days pass so slowly, yet the years pass so quickly. That is so true for me this week. On November 29, 2021, I became 70 years young. That is amazing to me. While I have been lamenting this age, I am grateful for living this long. My mother and maternal grandmother both passed away at 64 years of age. How could I not be grateful for these years? And I am healthy. What a blessing.
The menu from my family birthday dinner at Sullivan’s.
My family celebrated my milestone birthday in high style. Daughters Tara and Chatham and spouses Stephen and Johnathan and best friend MoMo hosted a lovely dinner for fourteen of us at Sullivan’s Steakhouse in downtown Raleigh Sunday evening. We enjoyed a delicious meal in a private room, complete with many of my favorites. An Edible Art cake capped off the evening. That was my second Edible Art birthday cake. Cousin Paula and husband Bryan surprised me with an early birthday cake on the Friday after Thanksgiving while all of the family was still in town and could enjoy celebrating with me.
Tara, Stephen, Mary Grace, Elsie, Virginia, Mike, and me right before we leave for my special birthday dinner.
Monday, my actual birthday, was celebrated with lunch at the Capital Grill of Raleigh with Paula. We celebrated both of our birthdays. Paula’s birthday was November 20th, and we decided to celebrate together once Thanksgiving was over.
Chatham and Johnathan at Sullivan’s.
The evening of my birthday Mike hosted a birthday dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, Margaux’s. Mike, MoMo, and I enjoyed a lovely and delicious meal.
Granddaughter Elsie, Mike, and me.
Thanksgiving and my birthday are responsible for a gain of four pounds, two of which, thankfully I have already lost. I am seriously working on the other two pounds. I did not lose all of this weight to regain it permanently. I allowed myself the luxury of not worrying about WW points during this time, and thoroughly enjoyed the food, especially the Edible Art birthday cakes!
Cousin Bridget and granddaughters Mary Grace and Virginia; Virginia photo bombing!Good friends Sara Rooker and MoMo and Virginia.
I am so appreciative of all of the birthday cards, calls, emails, and Facebook wishes. Friends from different parts of my life reached out and touched me in meaningful ways. Thank you, everyone.
Delicious desserts at Capital Grill of Raleigh.My birthday feeding frenzy ended with dinner with MoMo and Mike at Margaux’s.
Now that Thanksgiving and my birthday are over, I am ready to prepare for Christmas. I do not begin to prepare for Christmas until December 1. The Thanksgiving turkey plates are retired for another year, and the Spode Christmas Tree china is in use. Christmas trees will be decorated next week, assuming there are still some available!
Thanksgiving 2021 is now in the history books. Once again, our extended family gathered in Raleigh for three days of feasting and family. This year was especially meaningful since we came together after a two-year hiatus due to COVID. Although we were smaller in number than some years, this year forty-five instead of sixty-five, we were still Fralix Family strong. The days together passed too quickly, yet we are grateful that we and our country were healthy enough for us to feel safe to be together. The joy of being together was palpable.
Some of the older cousins at the game table.
Other than the obvious meals we shared and the dishes that followed, there were long afternoons and evenings spent around a roaring fire. There were games played, including corn hole and card games. Some took long walks. The younger cousins (and some not so young!) spent time on the trampoline. And we caught up with what had been going on in each others’ lives. From our first gathering at Sawmill Tap Room on Tuesday evening until most left to begin their journeys home to Maryland and Florida on Friday, we cooked together, ate together, and played together. Then all too soon it was time to say goodbye for another year, not knowing what the next year may bring.
We celebrated Beverly Martin’s (far left) 80th birthday Thanksgiving Day.
Grateful, thankful, and blessed. For those of our family who care enough to make the effort to come together, recognizing that all were not able to. For family who have kept the commitment to be together after the parents passed away, knowing that a chosen break in our tradition (COVID was obviously not a chosen break) would make it hard to continue the commitment. And now, for older cousins who recognize it is time for them to pick up the mantle and let us older ones “retire” from active duty of being in charge of our gatherings. While they will most likely do some things differently, the fact that our gatherings are important enough for them to want to continue them, to take ownership of them, speaks volumes about their importance.
(L to R) Mary, Henry, and Tracy.
Family matters. When we give family the attention it deserves, we all benefit. The circle of life continues. And it is about more than the food.
Not related to Thanksgiving per se, but for those of us who love books, so true.
Now, on to Christmas! But first, my big birthday celebration tomorrow. I do not do Christmas until Thanksgiving and my birthday have been given their rightful celebrations. We are almost there.
I know this is a losing battle. My favorite holiday, Thanksgiving, has almost disappeared, taken over by the commercialization of Christmas. While this has gradually occurred in years past, the degree to which Christmas has supplanted Thanksgiving this year is staggering. Thanksgiving, the holiday of food and family, is no longer visible in stores. Christmas trees have been present in the malls since early September and now are decorated in many homes. It is impossible to find any Thanksgiving decorations or products in stores, while Christmas decorations abound everywhere. The melding of these two holidays together has finally occurred. Our family has even joined the fray; our granddaughters apologized to me for putting up their Christmas trees before Thanksgiving!
Our stateswoman, Beverly, celebrates a big birthday this Thanksgiving Day!
I have always waited until at least December 1 to decorate for Christmas, thinking that giving Christmas a month is sufficient. Since most people do not take down their Christmas decorations until early January, if decorating for Christmas occurs as early as even the weekend after Thanksgiving, the commercialization of Christmas has almost a month and a half to take hold. Is a month not enough? While I certainly have shopped for Christmas before that, I have resisted any evidence of Christmas in our home before at least December 1. I have wanted to give Thanksgiving its due honor, and mixing these two holidays together takes away from Thanksgiving. At least that is how it feels to me. Since my birthday is November 29th, I also want to celebrate that day before the frenzy of Christmas begins.
One of our many Thanksgiving tables.
Perhaps my concern about Thanksgiving being supplanted by Christmas is because our family celebrates Thanksgiving in a major way. The last two years before COVID, there were sixty-five of us gathered for Thanksgiving in our home in Raleigh, a gradual increase in the thirty-six years that we have gathered. Most of those years we have gathered in Raleigh, with family traveling from Maryland to Florida to come together in Raleigh. Our celebration lasts almost a week, with some arriving the weekend before Thanksgiving and the last ones leaving the weekend after. We are a family of cooks, and enjoy cooking together the many meals that are required to feed us for the days that we are together.
(Some of the) adult cousins.The younger cousins who are not so young this year!
This year is a special year for celebrations since most of us were not able to gather in large groups in 2020 due to COVID. Some of us in our nuclear family gathered in 2020 for Thanksgiving with our daughter and her family in Georgia, and others in our family gathered in smaller groups, choosing safety over celebrating in larger groups. Our nuclear family came together in Raleigh for Christmas.
We will miss being with two of our elder statesmen, Dad Fralix and Uncle Barry, at Thanksgiving this year, who have both passed away.
This year our celebrations will be especially meaningful because it may be the last year we will host Thanksgiving in Raleigh since our home is for sale. We have been blessed with a large home that could accommodate our large family gathering, but as we downsize, that will no longer be the case. While I hope we will find ways to still gather with our distant relatives throughout the year, it is unlikely that we will come together as a large family for Thanksgiving after this year. Since our Christmas gathering is a smaller number of us, mainly our nuclear family, whether we gather in Raleigh or elsewhere, most of us in our nuclear family will likely be together for Christmas, and even Thanksgiving.
A photo from 2015 taken at Sawmill Tap Room, the location of our first night of our Thanksgiving celebration.
Traditions are very meaningful to me, even as I recognize the necessity of change and new traditions. I will miss our large family Thanksgivings. I will miss being together with family most of whom we do not see the rest of the year because of distance and busy lives. I will miss cooking together. I will miss seeing the cousins enjoy playing together. I will miss being with our elder statesmen, some of whom are no longer with us. Dad Fralix, Uncle Barry, and Chuck Monahan, you will be missed this year and all years to come. We will also miss being with some of our family this year who for different reasons will not be with us in Raleigh.
Mary Grace, Elsie, and Dr. Danks at 2012 Thanksgiving. How the years fly by!
We will gather in Raleigh for Thanksgiving this year with (only!) forty-five to fifty of us. However many grace your Thanksgiving table, may your holiday be a wonderful one. As we all celebrate food and family at Thanksgiving, may we be especially grateful for our blessings, knowing how fortunate we are to be healthy enough to gather together.
A commitment of a different sort. Daughter Tara made this birthday cake (with help from Virginia!) and the family hosted a birthday celebration for Mike.
I have written before about the importance of a commitment. A commitment is many things, but I like to think of it as a promise to oneself. When we make a promise to ourselves, we should be serious about it, and do all within our power to keep it. Today I came face-to-face with the (sometimes) burden of a commitment.
Since I began this blog in January 2015, I made a commitment to myself to post once a week. I think I have only missed doing so once or twice in all of those years. I write and the blog is posted on different days of the week. At times it has been hard to find/make the time to write, until I remembered the commitment. Then I sat down and wrote. No one else would likely even notice if I missed posting this blog occasionally. But I would notice; I would know. And a promise to oneself is too important to fail to take seriously.
So today, when Gina, my very talented assistant, checked in about this week’s blog, prior to getting away for a few days of R&R, I had to admit that it was not written. And I was in no mood to write it today. So, I thought I would skip this week. Then the fact of the commitment came to mind. So I sat down and wrote. I decided to write about the importance of a commitment.
This is going to be one of my shortest, if not the shortest, blog I have written. Because I am not in the mood to write. But I have a commitment to myself to write a blog and post once a week. And just because I do not feel like writing does not change my commitment.
Treat them well, pay them well, and they will come. There is no magic to it. This has always been the case, but it is even more true in current times.
Customers need to be nicer and patient during these times!
Help wanted signs are everywhere. Staffing is short everywhere. Waiting in stores to be helped tests our patience. Many registers are not staffed. Twice in Belk recently I have had to take my linens merchandise down two floors to the beauty counter to be waited on. I do not know why the makeup counters are staffed so well and the rest of the store isn’t, but that is the reality.
This means all of us!
There are businesses that remain successful even in these trying times. Starbucks and Chick-fil-A are two examples. There is a staff shortage at Starbucks, but people are willing to wait. Why? What is the Starbucks culture that keeps it so successful? I do not even like Starbucks coffee, but I go there for other items that I do like. It is usually crowded, and people are willing to wait. I think the usual Starbucks customer likes to loiter anyway!
Created by our granddaughter, Elsie!
Chick-fil-A is a major success story. People are willing to wrap around the building in long lines to get their food, and Chick-fil-A has systems that make the wait manageable. The staff is neat and well-groomed, nice, and efficient. There is obviously the “ideal” Chick-fil-A associate that the business hires, trains, and manages well. More businesses could learn from the Chick-fil-A model. And I imagine the fact that I haven’t even mentioned the food makes this success story even more amazing. Yes, the food is good, but there is good food at lots of places, but the other variables that I mentioned are lacking in too many restaurants and businesses-food businesses and otherwise. There really is no magic to it, but the determinants of success seem to be missing in many businesses.
Dinner at 42nd St Oyster Bar to celebrate Mike’s birthday. The restaurant was packed, food great as always, service good but slow.
What about pay? Yes, pay matters. It will continue to matter, so we need to adjust for it. And yes, the government programs that have provided financial relief for some people without them having to work has been a factor for some not wanting to work. But it is time for us to let go of that argument and get back to the business of hiring good people, treating them well, and paying them well.
There really is no magic to it. Simple, but not easy.
A delicious cappuccino on a rainy afternoon in Boston.
What made the Delta agent in the Sky Club in Raleigh this morning care? What made him decide to go out of his way and change our flight from one with a stopover to a direct flight and put us in first class? This was outside of the rule book. No one told him to do it. It took more of his time and effort to make this change. There was no obvious benefit to him, and a significant benefit to us. What made him care enough to do it?
Virginia and Alice gave Drew such great attention when he visited recently.
What made a man tell all in line at the Dollar General in St. Marys, GA to put all of their items on the belt, and he then paid for everyone’s items? He did not know the people in line, one of whom was our daughter. This decision cost him money. There was no obvious benefit to him, other than probably the momentary feel-good behavior this gesture created, and the appreciation of those he helped. What made him care enough to do it?
A sign worthy of attention.
What made my dear cousin, Lolly, get many boxes and packing paper for us, and spend hours of her own time helping me wrap, box up, and haul items from our home into the garage, helping me to prepare for a home showing and sale? She has many other things to do with her time. What makes her care enough to spend her time helping me?
Such as being upgraded to first class by a caring Delta agent!
What makes some people go out of their way to do nice things for others, and other people never even consider doing so? You know what I mean. You have your own examples.
Some customers make it difficult to show a caring attitude!
Some of the reason relates to personality. By personality, some people are others-centered, and some are self-centered. If one is self-centered and wants to change that and become more caring and giving, that change can be made.
Needs no explanation.
In all that we do.
Some of the reason relates to upbringing. This reason isn’t as clear cut as it might appear on the surface. Some people are loved and nurtured as children in such a manner that they naturally want to “pay it forward.” Some others are not, and may in fact be neglected and even abused. Some of these in the latter group turn their pain into a giving spirit, breaking the cycle of neglect and abuse, becoming a much better person than was modeled to them.
Some of the reason may relate to busyness, and not thinking about reaching out and touching others in a positive manner. If those in this group slow down, look around them at the needs of others, and care enough to, they can become more giving and caring to others.
Which group are you and I in? Is our answer to this the same that others would give for us? If we do not like the answer, we can change. But only if we want to, and find ways to reach out and touch someone in a positive manner.
Many people plan their lives, and sometimes those plans work. There are other times that regardless of our planning, our lives go awry. Sometimes things happen to us that are outside of our control, and sometimes our choices create difficulties for us. Regardless of the reasons for the failure of our lives to go smoothly and consistent with our plans, we can all think of current situations that are examples of this, and some of these are tragic.
A lovely, delicious, and healthy meal at Duffers at Oak Island Gold Club.
You have likely heard of two recent events that fall in the tragic category. The first is the kidnapping of the missionaries in Haiti. It is difficult to understand how people who have dedicated their lives to serving and helping others can be the victims of such violence. I am reminded of the book that was popular years ago about this, When Bad Things Happen to Good People. People of Faith struggle with this as much as others, although they ultimately accept that God is in control, and while they/we can’t understand this, we can accept it as a difficult to understand fact. I am not stating or even implying that God creates these tragedies, but he allows us as people of free will to do unimaginable things. Nor am I trying to preach about God. All I am doing is recognizing that some things are outside of our understanding and control, and we must accept that, or we will not be able to live in this world that can at times be full of bad things. It is, of course, also full of good things.
The other recent event that comes to mind is the accidental shooting of two people by Alec Baldwin while on the set of a movie production. While all of the facts are are not yet known about this, what has been reported is that Alec Baldwin shot a prop gun killing one woman and injuring a man. The lives of the family members of those tragedies will never be the same, nor will Alec Baldwin’s.
Mike and I out for lunch beachside at Orient Beach in St. Martin.
Many of us will never face tragedies of the nature of these two events. But we will all face a life that is different at times than the one we imagined or planned. Examples of events that we can face include serious illness and death of loved ones, including ourselves. We may also face job insecurity and disruption and serious financial hardships. COVID certainly has taught us that in spite of our best plans, our lives can change on the dime.
This was my mother’s favorite, and this copy was given to me by a dear friend in honor of her after her death.
How are we to adjust when our lives change in a manner that is difficult? How do we continue to go through each day, trying to remain positive, yet dealing with serious problems? While I do not profess to know how others cope and manage their difficulties, I do know what has worked for me. Perhaps some of this will be helpful to others.
Moving forward is the key, even when, or especially when, it is hard.
1. Remaining healthy emotionally and physically. This includes eating well, sleeping well, exercising, and being alone with myself. Walking and listening to podcasts provide a healthy outlet for me. Recognizing that as much as I like to be in control, the only thing I am really in control of is my own behavior and choices, never those of others. Not drinking alcohol for the last two years has been life changing for me in a very positive way.
2. Reading. Reading for pleasure and reading for insight.
3. Staying connected to my close family and friends. This is an area that needs more attention, but I treasure time with those I love. Healthy relationships keep us physically and emotionally healthy. I make time for connecting with others as much as possible.
We can always find happiness when we just look for it.
Alice in Wonderland’s wise words.
4. Making decisions that obviously need to be made. For me, the best example of this is being open to selling our home in Raleigh. This is something we have been considering for a couple of years, and that some of our family and friends have encouraged us to do. The house is too much for us at this time in our lives. It is too big and has a second floor that we only visit when preparing for company. Mike and I travel a lot, so the physical and financial upkeep of our home no longer makes sense, other than emotionally. We have finally accepted that we need to make a change in this area, and have begun the process to do so. You will hear more about this as our plans evolve.
5. Staying positive, and being grateful for our blessings. While there is tragedy all around us and life seems out of control, we can remain positive and grateful. Sometimes we have to dig down deep, but we have the resources within us if we keep at it.
Dear Uncle Barry, who passed away in June, and Mike. Hold fast to loved ones while we can.
Enough about me. How about you? Are you finding that some of your plans for your life have gone awry? What have you found helpful in dealing with changes outside of your control?
Because we never know what others are dealing with.
Prayers continue and hope for a good outcome for the captured missionaries in Haiti. Prayers for comfort and peace for those affected by the Alec Baldwin tragedy. Hope for positive outcomes for those dealing with other problems, whatever their nature.
After an almost two-year COVID break, Mike and I travelled to NYC this week. Business for him, pleasure for me. I did not know what to expect in the city, but it felt normal. While there were not as many people as there normally are, that was a nice change. While I recognize that the economy of the city needs more visitors to really return to normal, I know that will happen naturally. Now that more people are comfortable getting out and about, soon the positive impact of that will boost the economy. Of course, there are some people who are not yet comfortable getting out and about, for a variety of reasons. Each of us has to do what makes us most comfortable about the risks of COVID, the vaccine, and other variables related to all of this. Mike and I have chosen to go about living our lives as normally as possible.
Fall was all around!
My favorite bookstore.
What were the changes in the city? If one has been vaccinated, masks were not required in many places. Other than in restaurants, it was not necessary to prove vaccinated status. Restaurants had stricter rules, requiring one to show the vaccination card to enter. That was true in most restaurants, but not all. My understanding is that the requirement to be vaccinated before dining in a restaurant is a city-wide requirement, so some restaurants must be bending that rule. All restaurant staff were wearing masks, which is certainly not the case in some of our restaurants at home. There was more social distancing in New York than is common in other places I have been. It seemed that the people in New York were in general taking the COVID risks seriously, yet not allowing the risks to stop them from enjoying the city.
NYC has everything, even a Chick-fil-a!
Many restaurants had outdoor eating facilities.
I did my usual walking the city for hours, and thoroughly enjoyed it. There is nothing like the entertainment of walking through the city, enjoying the views of the storefronts, and stopping for a cappuccino along the way. I was so entertained by just the city that I did not even listen to podcasts, which I normally do while walking.
These were throughout the city.
Mike watching the Columbus Day Parade.
I did notice that the city streets were not as clean as they have been, and there were more homeless people. There are also more homeless people in our hometown city. Both probably as a result of an economy hit hard by COVID. I also saw a couple of people who seemed to have trouble coping, who were yelling obscenities and slinging trash from trash cans. I recall this same behavior many years ago in the city, before the streets were cleaned up, and other positive changes were made. I was saddened by this more than frightened.
Even buffets are back in the Delta Sky Club lounge!
At Saks Fifth Avenue, a men’s restroom, two all gender restrooms, yet no women’s room.
Saks Fifth Avenue has been my favorite department store for many years, especially the flagship store in NYC. I have always enjoyed shopping there. Saks has done a major overhaul in its Fifth Avenue store. The store was always beautiful, and now it is even more so. However, one change that I did not understand is the public restroom facilities. On the lower level, there is a men’s room and two “all gender” bathrooms; no women’s room. I am not opposed to all gender restrooms, sometimes called gender neutral restrooms, but I do wonder why the men’s room is still available and the women’s room is not! The male salesperson to whom I posed this question had no answer for it.
I had a lovely and delicious meal at Balthazar.
I saw several open air markets.
Bloomingdales may be replacing Saks as my favorite department store in the city. This is because my favorite Sisley skincare salesperson who worked at Saks, then at Bergdorf Goodman, is now at Bloomingdales. I am now a Bloomingdale’s customer. I told her that I have followed her all around NYC! She is the absolute best customer service oriented salesperson I have ever known. I will follow her anywhere! I have written about her in a previous blog.
Saks is ready for Christmas!
The city is open, welcoming, and recovering. It is once again alive.
It's In The Sauce! 