Goodbye to 2021

It is hard to believe that another year closes today, and a new one opens tomorrow. 2021 was a year of many challenges, from COVID-19 to Delta and now to Omicron. There have also been other challenges for many people, including job challenges and financial worries. In spite of it all, those of us who are able to read this, and me who is able to write it, also should be grateful for our blessings. While I marvel at being seventy years old, an age I became at the end of November, I also marvel at a life that I have been blessed to live.

My family life as a child was difficult. I lived with various relatives, moving around as my mother tried her best to cope with the challenges her life included. She left high school at an early age and went to work to help support her mother and siblings. She was smart, but not in the choices she made. She did the best she could, and when she was not able to provide a stable environment for me, she reached out to family and made sure that I was taken care of. My mother passed away in 1998 at sixty-four years of age. I miss her and wish that we had been able to connect more often and on a deeper level. But we did the best that we could. As a child, I was not responsible for some of what happened to me. As an adult, I am totally responsible.

As an adult, I became responsible for my own choices. One example comes to mind. When I realized that my wine consumption was not healthy for me, almost three years ago I stopped drinking alcohol completely. I did not want to risk that habit taking control as it had in my mother’s life. As an adult, I am responsible for my own choices, and have no one, not even genetics, to blame for any of my behavior. I am (at least, I think) mentally healthy, and as such, my behaviors are a result of the choices I make. If mental illness was a factor, things would be different.

So, I conquered my drinking habit before it became an addiction. What I have not conquered is my spending habit. Managing my money better was a 2021 goal that I have not met. I will carry this goal into 2022 and have some specifics that I will implement to increase the likelihood that I will be more successful in this area.

The end of a year and the beginning of another one is a great time to reset, to decide what we want to change to have more of the life that we want. Managing money better is at the top of my list. I also plan to declutter more. I began that process with the listing of our home for sale. An update on that is in order. While we did receive two offers for our home, neither one was the price we wanted, so we took it off the market and are resetting in that area. We may do some painting in the spring and re-list it for sale, or we may decide to stay put for another year or two. We are happy with what we did and know that it was the right decision to make to stay put for now.

How about you? How did you do in 2021 related to the commitments that you made to yourself at the beginning of the year? What does 2022 hold for you?

Stay safe tonight and welcome the New Year in on Saturday with a clear head. Greens, black-eyed peas, and other traditional New Year’s food await.                    

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Merry Christmas To All

There are only a few days left before Christmas. Christmas is most of all a religious holiday, the celebration of the birthday of Jesus. In the midst of all of the frivolity, it is important to center ourselves and remember the true meaning of Christmas. May we celebrate the birth of the Christ child, and not let the real meaning of Christmas escape us. If there was ever a time that we need to do so, it is now. From new outbreaks of COVID to our increased political divide, we are more in need of the Savior than ever before.

Christmas has a secular meaning as well, from trees to presents, and all that goes with the season. May your holiday be merry and bright, as you (hopefully are able to) gather with loved ones and celebrate. As we open our gifts, let’s remember those who are less fortunate, and remember to be thankful for all of our blessings.

It is important for us to remember that this season is not a happy one for everyone. I just heard of the passing of a mother whose funeral is today. Christmas will forever have a new meaning for this family. There are also many in our midst who are dealing with a myriad of challenges and doing their best to enjoy the season for their loved ones.

Some of you will be missing family members who were present last year. My dear Uncle Barry will be sorely missed as our family gathers this year. As I look around our home, I am comforted by gifts from him in years past, including lighted penguins and snowflakes on the ceiling. While the physical presence of our departed loved ones is missing, our memories are with us forever.

May you and your loved ones have a peaceful and joyful holiday!

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This is How It Ends

After the family took what items we wanted, the rest was sold through an online auction. This week was pickup day for those who purchased items through the auction. It was also pickup day for me, since I asked for and was given his sofa, two club chairs, and an ottoman. While I do not know when I will recover these items and where I will use them, I wanted them. I remember when Uncle B and Aunt Evelyn purchased these thirty-three years ago, and they hold much sentimental value for me, more than anything else he had. I will enjoy having them with me, literally and figuratively. For now, they are housed in my storage shed, where they can stay until the time is right for their repurposing.

This week I had the gift of saying goodbye to my dearly departed Uncle Barry’s home and possessions. Uncle B passed away in June, and his belongings and home have now passed as well.

The items that were not taken, sold, or donated will be thrown away by the auction company. It was so hard for me to watch this, knowing that Uncle B loved his home and his stuff. Although he lived a simple life and his possessions were reflective of that, I felt his presence in his things. Seeing them carted out by strangers, in most cases for pennies on the dollar, was difficult.

I know that this is how it ends for all of us. As much as we like or even love our stuff, it is still only stuff. We do not take it with us, and those we leave behind will likely not want much of it. If we have time, it is best to part with most of it while we can, so our loved ones can take what they do want, and make decisions about the rest. Or it will go into an auction and go home with strangers for pennies, or be thrown away. But the memories are not thrown away, they remain with us.

As Christmas 2021 comes without Uncle B, our family will remember Christmases past with him, and will miss him terribly. He will be in our hearts forever.

Rest In Peace, Uncle Barry.

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A Season of Giving

There are more Christmas lights this year than I remember in years past. There are more people buying Christmas decorations and Christmas gifts than I have seen in recent years. People are talking about these differences and are giving COVID the credit. Perhaps it is credit well deserved. Last year was certainly a different holiday season.  It is quite possible that this Christmas will be larger than usual, and the reason is, at least in part, due to us being somewhat in hibernation last Christmas.

It should be noted that for some people, this Christmas will not include more monetary gifts, due to financial challenges. We should not forget that even while some people will do more this year, and can afford to, this is not the reality for some others. But giving is not just monetary. There are many ways to give of ourselves without spending money.

But let’s think about tangible gifts for a moment. Some people do not want tangible gifts, that is not their love language. For others, their love language is receiving gifts, and this has nothing to do with them being selfish. It is how they feel valued by others, and this also has nothing to do with the cost of the gift. It is more about the thought that goes into the gift selection, that the other individual cares enough to think through who the person is and what he/she will enjoy. The person whose love language is receiving gifts also loves to give gifts to others, for it is how the person shows love for others.

Most likely you are aware of the “5 Love Languages, ” a philosophy developed many years ago by Gary Chapman. There are five love languages. Receiving Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch are the five love languages. In upcoming posts, I will discuss each of the love languages. For now, since it is the season of giving, the love language in focus is “Receiving Gifts.”

Even if your love language is not “Receiving Gifts,” it is important for you to think about those who you love and determine if “Receiving Gifts” is their love language, and act accordingly. Think about what is important to them, and find a gift, regardless of the cost, that is representative of that. Even if doing so makes no sense to you. It will make perfect sense to the one you love.

After all, it is the season of giving. And I will reiterate that gifts are not just tangible gifts. But giving a tangible gift to the one whose love language is “Receiving Gifts” is one way to show your love. Granted, it is not the only way to show your love, but it is an important way.

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70 Years Young

I have heard it said that the days pass so slowly, yet the years pass so quickly. That is so true for me this week. On November 29, 2021, I became 70 years young. That is amazing to me. While I have been lamenting this age, I am grateful for living this long. My mother and maternal grandmother both passed away at 64 years of age. How could I not be grateful for these years? And I am healthy. What a blessing.

My family celebrated my milestone birthday in high style. Daughters Tara and Chatham and spouses Stephen and Johnathan and best friend MoMo hosted a lovely dinner for fourteen of us at Sullivan’s Steakhouse in downtown Raleigh Sunday evening. We enjoyed a delicious meal in a private room, complete with many of my favorites. An Edible Art cake capped off the evening. That was my second Edible Art birthday cake. Cousin Paula and husband Bryan surprised me with an early birthday cake on the Friday after Thanksgiving while all of the family was still in town and could enjoy celebrating with me.   

Monday, my actual birthday, was celebrated with lunch at the Capital Grill of Raleigh with Paula. We celebrated both of our birthdays. Paula’s birthday was November 20th, and we decided to celebrate together once Thanksgiving was over.

The evening of my birthday Mike hosted a birthday dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, Margaux’s. Mike, MoMo, and I enjoyed a lovely and delicious meal.

Thanksgiving and my birthday are responsible for a gain of four pounds, two of which, thankfully I have already lost. I am seriously working on the other two pounds. I did not lose all of this weight to regain it permanently. I allowed myself the luxury of not worrying about WW points during this time, and thoroughly enjoyed the food, especially the Edible Art birthday cakes!

I am so appreciative of all of the birthday cards, calls, emails, and Facebook wishes. Friends from different parts of my life reached out and touched me in meaningful ways. Thank you, everyone.

Now that Thanksgiving and my birthday are over, I am ready to prepare for Christmas. I do not begin to prepare for Christmas until December 1. The Thanksgiving turkey plates are retired for another year, and the Spode Christmas Tree china is in use. Christmas trees will be decorated next week, assuming there are still some available!

May your holidays be merry and bright!

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Thanksgiving 2021

Thanksgiving 2021 is now in the history books. Once again, our extended family gathered in Raleigh for three days of feasting and family. This year was especially meaningful since we came together after a two-year hiatus due to COVID. Although we were smaller in number than some years, this year forty-five instead of sixty-five, we were still Fralix Family strong. The days together passed too quickly, yet we are grateful that we and our country were healthy enough for us to feel safe to be together. The joy of being together was palpable.

Other than the obvious meals we shared and the dishes that followed, there were long afternoons and evenings spent around a roaring fire. There were games played, including corn hole and card games. Some took long walks. The younger cousins (and some not so young!) spent time on the trampoline. And we caught up with what had been going on in each others’ lives. From our first gathering at Sawmill Tap Room on Tuesday evening until most left to begin their journeys home to Maryland and Florida on Friday, we cooked together, ate together, and played together. Then all too soon it was time to say goodbye for another year, not knowing what the next year may bring.    

Grateful, thankful, and blessed. For those of our family who care enough to make the effort to come together, recognizing that all were not able to. For family who have kept the commitment to be together after the parents passed away, knowing that a chosen break in our tradition (COVID was obviously not a chosen break) would make it hard to continue the commitment. And now, for older cousins who recognize it is time for them to pick up the mantle and let us older ones “retire” from active duty of being in charge of our gatherings. While they will most likely do some things differently, the fact that our gatherings are important enough for them to want to continue them, to take ownership of them, speaks volumes about their importance.  

Family matters. When we give family the attention it deserves, we all benefit. The circle of life continues. And it is about more than the food.

Now, on to Christmas! But first, my big birthday celebration tomorrow. I do not do Christmas until Thanksgiving and my birthday have been given their rightful celebrations. We are almost there.  

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Is Thanksgiving Disappearing? 

I know this is a losing battle. My favorite holiday, Thanksgiving, has almost disappeared, taken over by the commercialization of Christmas. While this has gradually occurred in years past, the degree to which Christmas has supplanted Thanksgiving this year is staggering. Thanksgiving, the holiday of food and family, is no longer visible in stores. Christmas trees have been present in the malls since early September and now are decorated in many homes. It is impossible to find any Thanksgiving decorations or products in stores, while Christmas decorations abound everywhere. The melding of these two holidays together has finally occurred. Our family has even joined the fray; our granddaughters apologized to me for putting up their Christmas trees before Thanksgiving!

I have always waited until at least December 1 to decorate for Christmas, thinking that giving Christmas a month is sufficient. Since most people do not take down their Christmas decorations until early January, if decorating for Christmas occurs as early as even the weekend after Thanksgiving, the commercialization of Christmas has almost a month and a half to take hold. Is a month not enough? While I certainly have shopped for Christmas before that, I have resisted any evidence of Christmas in our home before at least December 1. I have wanted to give Thanksgiving its due honor, and mixing these two holidays together takes away from Thanksgiving. At least that is how it feels to me. Since my birthday is November 29th, I also want to celebrate that day before the frenzy of Christmas begins. 

Perhaps my concern about Thanksgiving being supplanted by Christmas is because our family celebrates Thanksgiving in a major way. The last two years before COVID, there were sixty-five of us gathered for Thanksgiving in our home in Raleigh, a gradual increase in the thirty-six years that we have gathered. Most of those years we have gathered in Raleigh, with family traveling from Maryland to Florida to come together in Raleigh. Our celebration lasts almost a week, with some arriving the weekend before Thanksgiving and the last ones leaving the weekend after. We are a family of cooks, and enjoy cooking together the many meals that are required to feed us for the days that we are together.

This year is a special year for celebrations since most of us were not able to gather in large groups in 2020 due to COVID. Some of us in our nuclear family gathered in 2020 for Thanksgiving with our daughter and her family in Georgia, and others in our family gathered in smaller groups, choosing safety over celebrating in larger groups. Our nuclear family came together in Raleigh for Christmas.

This year our celebrations will be especially meaningful because it may be the last year we will host Thanksgiving in Raleigh since our home is for sale. We have been blessed with a large home that could accommodate our large family gathering, but as we downsize, that will no longer be the case. While I hope we will find ways to still gather with our distant relatives throughout the year, it is unlikely that we will come together as a large family for Thanksgiving after this year. Since our Christmas gathering is a smaller number of us, mainly our nuclear family, whether we gather in Raleigh or elsewhere, most of us in our nuclear family will likely be together for Christmas, and even Thanksgiving.

Traditions are very meaningful to me, even as I recognize the necessity of change and new traditions. I will miss our large family Thanksgivings. I will miss being together with family most of whom we do not see the rest of the year because of distance and busy lives. I will miss cooking together. I will miss seeing the cousins enjoy playing together. I will miss being with our elder statesmen, some of whom are no longer with us. Dad Fralix, Uncle Barry, and Chuck Monahan, you will be missed this year and all years to come. We will also miss being with some of our family this year who for different reasons will not be with us in Raleigh.

We will gather in Raleigh for Thanksgiving this year with (only!) forty-five to fifty of us. However many grace your Thanksgiving table, may your holiday be a wonderful one. As we all celebrate food and family at Thanksgiving, may we be especially grateful for our blessings, knowing how fortunate we are to be healthy enough to gather together.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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The Importance of a Commitment

I have written before about the importance of a commitment. A commitment is many things, but I like to think of it as a promise to oneself. When we make a promise to ourselves, we should be serious about it, and do all within our power to keep it. Today I came face-to-face with the (sometimes) burden of a commitment.

Since I began this blog in January 2015, I made a commitment to myself to post once a week. I think I have only missed doing so once or twice in all of those years. I write and the blog is posted on different days of the week. At times it has been hard to find/make the time to write, until I remembered the commitment. Then I sat down and wrote. No one else would likely even notice if I missed posting this blog occasionally. But I would notice; I would know. And a promise to oneself is too important to fail to take seriously.

So today, when Gina, my very talented assistant, checked in about this week’s blog, prior to getting away for a few days of R&R, I had to admit that it was not written. And I was in no mood to write it today. So, I thought I would skip this week. Then the fact of the commitment came to mind. So I sat down and wrote. I decided to write about the importance of a commitment.

This is going to be one of my shortest, if not the shortest, blog I have written. Because I am not in the mood to write. But I have a commitment to myself to write a blog and post once a week. And just because I do not feel like writing does not change my commitment.

Are there commitments that you have let slide?

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There is No Magic To It!

Treat them well, pay them well, and they will come. There is no magic to it. This has always been the case, but it is even more true in current times.

Help wanted signs are everywhere. Staffing is short everywhere. Waiting in stores to be helped tests our patience. Many registers are not staffed. Twice in Belk recently I have had to take my linens merchandise down two floors to the beauty counter to be waited on. I do not know why the makeup counters are staffed so well and the rest of the store isn’t, but that is the reality.

There are businesses that remain successful even in these trying times. Starbucks and Chick-fil-A are two examples. There is a staff shortage at Starbucks, but people are willing to wait. Why? What is the Starbucks culture that keeps it so successful? I do not even like Starbucks coffee, but I go there for other items that I do like. It is usually crowded, and people are willing to wait. I think the usual Starbucks customer likes to loiter anyway!

Chick-fil-A is a major success story. People are willing to wrap around the building in long lines to get their food, and Chick-fil-A has systems that make the wait manageable. The staff is neat and well-groomed, nice, and efficient. There is obviously the “ideal” Chick-fil-A associate that the business hires, trains, and manages well. More businesses could learn from the Chick-fil-A model. And I imagine the fact that I haven’t even mentioned the food makes this success story even more amazing. Yes, the food is good, but there is good food at lots of places, but the other variables that I mentioned are lacking in too many restaurants and businesses-food businesses and otherwise. There really is no magic to it, but the determinants of success seem to be missing in many businesses.

What about pay? Yes, pay matters. It will continue to matter, so we need to adjust for it. And yes, the government programs that have provided financial relief for some people without them having to work has been a factor for some not wanting to work. But it is time for us to let go of that argument and get back to the business of hiring good people, treating them well, and paying them well.

There really is no magic to it. Simple, but not easy.

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What Makes People Care?

What made the Delta agent in the Sky Club in Raleigh this morning care? What made him decide to go out of his way and change our flight from one with a stopover to a direct flight and put us in first class? This was outside of the rule book. No one told him to do it. It took more of his time and effort to make this change. There was no obvious benefit to him, and a significant benefit to us. What made him care enough to do it?

Virginia and Alice gave Drew such great attention when he visited recently.

What made a man tell all in line at the Dollar General in St. Marys, GA to put all of their items on the belt, and he then paid for everyone’s items? He did not know the people in line, one of whom was our daughter. This decision cost him money. There was no obvious benefit to him, other than probably the momentary feel-good behavior this gesture created, and the appreciation of those he helped. What made him care enough to do it?

What made my dear cousin, Lolly, get many boxes and packing paper for us, and spend hours of her own time helping me wrap, box up, and haul items from our home into the garage, helping me to prepare for a home showing and sale?  She has many other things to do with her time. What makes her care enough to spend her time helping me?

What makes some people go out of their way to do nice things for others, and other people never even consider doing so? You know what I mean. You have your own examples.

Some of the reason relates to personality. By personality, some people are others-centered, and some are self-centered. If one is self-centered and wants to change that and become more caring and giving, that change can be made.

Some of the reason relates to upbringing. This reason isn’t as clear cut as it might appear on the surface. Some people are loved and nurtured as children in such a manner that they naturally want to “pay it forward.” Some others are not, and may in fact be neglected and even abused. Some of these in the latter group turn their pain into a giving spirit, breaking the cycle of neglect and abuse, becoming a much better person than was modeled to them.

Some of the reason may relate to busyness, and not thinking about reaching out and touching others in a positive manner. If those in this group slow down, look around them at the needs of others, and care enough to, they can become more giving and caring to others.

Which group are you and I in? Is our answer to this the same that others would give for us? If we do not like the answer, we can change. But only if we want to, and find ways to reach out and touch someone in a positive manner.

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