Paying Attention To The Tension

Posted on November 23, 2024 by Patti Fralix

I love to listen to podcasts, and especially when I am walking. I recently listened to a podcast by Andy Stanley, and it touched me so much that I have listened to it twice. The podcast is titled “better decisions, fewer regrets.” (The title is not capitalized.) The subtitle is “5 Questions To Help You Determine Your Next Move.” The entire podcast is excellent, but there is one part in particular that really resonated with me. It is in that section that Andy Stanley says to “Pay Attention To The Tension.”

I think of “Pay Attention To The Tension” as knowing when something we are getting ready to do doesn’t feel right. Another way to say this is to pay attention to our gut, or to our intuition. While I believe this, and can think of times in which I found this to be true, knowing this is a valid approach does not make it easy to do. There are several reasons for this.

One issue is that we do not always know how to interpret the feelings we are having when we are “Paying Attention To The Tension.” Are we just having cold feet? Do we really know what we should do, yet don’t have the courage to do it? Or, are we truly confused about the signals we are getting? Then there is the issue of procrastination. Do we know what we should do, and yet put off doing it?

Sometimes we are just stuck, and really don’t know what to do. When that happens, we can become immobilized. But most of us are not comfortable with being immobilized, so we do something, even if we don’t know if it is the right thing to do. What we do know, or think we know, is that action is better than inaction. So we act, not knowing if it is the right thing to do, or maybe even thinking it isn’t the right thing to do. What we should do is get more comfortable with not knowing, and not allowing ourselves to act until we have more clarity.

Although this is hard to do, I have learned that when I do not know what to do, I shouldn’t do anything. I just need to get more comfortable with not knowing, and not doing.

I need to Pay Attention To The Tension. The tension is telling me something, I just do not yet know what it is telling me. If I give it time, clarity will come.

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Communication Matters

Posted on November 14, 2024 by Patti Fralix

I am sure it is partly my age, but I struggle with the lack of clear and timely communication, especially written communication. The area where I find this most troublesome is with texts. I decided it is time to address this issue.

It is not uncommon for me to send a text to someone and to not get a reply. Not just that I do not get a reply in a timely manner, but I do not get a reply at all. I know that we are all busy, but when someone sends us a text, it deserves a reply. Granted, some of us, and I am in this group, can be too wordy in our texts. But even so, when we receive a text from someone, the polite response is to answer it. I realize that we sometimes do not reply immediately when we read a text, plan to go back later to do so, then forget to. We can all be guilty of this, especially if a lot of texts come in and follow that one, and we do not see that we haven’t answered the one. One way to rectify this is to scan our texts a couple of times a day. If we are doing this, we will see when we have failed to answer a text.

If we are communicating something that is complicated, texting may not be the best way for that communication to occur. It is too easy for a miscommunication to occur since many people use texting for quick questions and quick answers, not when they choose to be or need to be wordy. In fact, if something is complicated, it may be best for that to be discussed, and preferably discussed in person. The same is true if the topic involves conflict or potential misunderstanding. Face to face communication is best in these situations, whenever possible.

One area of concern for some people are group texts. While a group text can be good from an efficiency standpoint, allowing us to send information to several people at once, they can also be problematic. Some people do not ”reply to all” in a group text, or do not reply at all. We should assume that if we receive the text, a reply is expected. While we sometimes struggle with whether or not to “reply to all” in a group text, the best case is to do so, so all get the same information.

When texting, or when communicating anything in writing, we should remember that the written word may sometimes need to be “softened.” The written word can sound too harsh, just by using some words. We can use qualifiers to soften the words, as long as they are used appropriately. Even when using qualifiers to soften the words, the words should still be clear. If the other person has to try to figure out what they think we mean, that can waste their time. On the other hand, we can be too clear, or too definitive. If we are too definitive, we can sound aggressive.

Communicating effectively is not easy. But it is so very important. Let’s make our communication timely, clear, and friendly.

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A Very Important Day

Posted on November 5, 2024 by Patti Fralix

Today is an important day. It is Election Day in the United States, of course, and that alone makes it an important day. It is also my husband Mike’s birthday, as well as my cousin Mason’s birthday. Happy Birthday to Mike and Mason, and may the best person for our country win the presidential election. I think you probably join me in being glad Election Day is finally here.

November is an important month for other reasons. This is the month when we celebrate Thanksgiving. Although the actual day is three weeks away, it is time for us to focus on being thankful. There are many reasons to be thankful, even if/when we have challenges. One of my challenges recently relates to Thanksgiving. Before I mention the details of this challenge, I want to clearly state that this is a first world problem. This challenge of mine is not at all on the level of what many people have suffered through, including those in Western NC due to the major destruction there.

Those who know me or have followed my musings may remember that my family has celebrated Thanksgiving in a major way for many years. Until 2022 most of those celebrations occurred in our home in Raleigh, NC. The last few years we had more than sixty people, mainly family who traveled from Maryland to Florida and convened in Raleigh for several days. Since I love decorating and all things beautiful related to tables, over the years I collected sixty-five Thanksgiving china turkey plates for our gatherings. I so enjoyed preparing the tables and did not mind at all the effort required to do so. The beauty of the tables nourished my soul as much as the delicious food plated on them.

Now that we have downsized and are going to the beach or mountains for our Thanksgiving family celebration and eat with paper and plastic, I no longer need sixty-five turkey plates. Although it has been hard to let them go, I decided this year to cut that cord. I kept about twenty of my favorite plates, thinking at some point our nuclear family might “need” them, or that I will leave them to the children and/or grandchildren. I put the others in my favorite consignment store for sale. Although I don’t have a “need” for them now, that was hard for me to do. This challenge is not major in the scope of life, but it was hard for me. Time is a great healer, and I am now ready to let some things go that I have been holding onto. While there is still work to be done in that area, I am making progress.

As you think about this season, what are you thankful for? Certainly we are, or should be, thankful for family and friends with whom to gather around the Thanksgiving table(s.) Good health is a blessing, and one not to be taken for granted. Caring for our bodies by maintaining a healthy weight and exercising to the level of our ability is one way we show gratitude for our good health. We can loosen up some on this at special meals like Thanksgiving, but not by much.

With only a little more than a month and a half left in this year, what are your remaining goals for 2024? It isn’t too late to focus on changes we want to make. It is never too late to get started. Yes, today is a very important day, but tomorrow is also, and the days after. Regardless of our country’s decision for President and the other elected offices, we individually need to continue to work on being our best selves. We have the ability to impact our own lives more than anything or anyone else.

Let’s make this very important day the beginning of a very important year. If we work diligently, we can make a lot of progress on our commitments, especially commitments to ourselves.

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Habits Are Harder to Break Than To Make

Posted on October 24, 2024 by Patti Fralix

Being successful in life requires good habits. One definition of a habit is “a regular practice, or usual manner of behavior.” We all have habits, some good, some not so good. Good habits help us become better people, achieving our goals. Bad habits have the opposite effect. Habits can become addictions. An addiction is defined as “ a strong physical or psychological need or urge to do something.” I think of addictions as extremes of habits. Whereas habits can be made and broken by oneself, dealing with addictions may require the assistance of others. I think of habits as healthier than addictions.

I was thinking of habits on my daily walk this morning. I had not wanted to take my daily walk today since doing so takes forty-five minutes, and I was leaving to go out of town. But if I had not walked today, I would have broken a two-week stint of walking daily. Once broken, it would be easier to not walk the next day. I walk for my physical and mental health, listening to podcasts.

Walking has always been my exercise of choice. I do not like machines, so going to a gym to work out does not interest me at all. We even have an exercise bike at home, which I do not use, nor does Mike. It is just taking up floor space. It hasn’t been used in probably at least five years. When we moved a couple of years ago I told Mike that if he did not use the bike in three months, I was getting rid of it. (I never planned to use it!) Almost two years later, I have not kept my promise. That is another of my habits, making threats or promises that I do not keep!

I stopped drinking alcohol almost five and a half years ago. The initial reason that I stopped was to lose weight. I did lose weight, (fifty-seven pounds!) although I don’t think the alcohol change had much to do with that. I had become an almost daily drinker of (usually) Chardonnay. It was obviously a habit, and would have become an addiction if I had continued. With a mother and father who were alcoholics, I knew the danger was too great for me to tempt the odds. Thankfully I was able to stop without any assistance, and I have not been tempted to resume drinking. I feel so much better, although I did not know that I needed to feel better! We have a culture that promotes alcohol, although there are more people now who are choosing non-alcoholic beverages. I have decided that I do not need nor want non-alcoholic beverages. Iced tea is my beverage of choice!

For me, habits are easier to make than to break. I know myself well enough to understand how to be successful with habits. I have a lack of consistency challenge, and I have started and stopped many walking routines through the years. While I know that I should be able to take a day off from walking without thinking that doing so will ruin my commitment, I know myself well enough to resist doing so.

Is there a positive habit to which you are committed? How do you stay committed, and what helps you to do so? What about addictions? Do any come to mind? Is there anything that you want to change to be your best self? I think I have a sugar addiction, and that is my next growth area.

Habits can be a help or a hindrance. Addictions are usually negative, and take away from us being our best.

Let’s make sure that what we spend our time doing reinforces our best selves.

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Another Year Is Almost Over

Posted on October 18, 2024 by Patti Fralix

With the end of October around the corner, another year is almost a wrap. With each passing year I marvel at the passing of time. This was reinforced to me this week by spending time with our oldest granddaughter, Mary Grace. Mike had a meeting in Athens, Ga. and since Mary Grace is a student there at UGA, we were able to spend some time with her. How could she be nineteen years of age already? It seems like yesterday when she was born. I can still see her standing at her glass front door crying as I left her. This time, as I dropped her off at the building for her class before leaving town, my tears were the ones falling. I wondered how the years pass so quickly. Many reading this will understand exactly what I mean, and can feel those same feelings.

When we were younger, the years did not pass so quickly. Looking forward we seemed to have all of the time in the world. Not so for me now at the soon to be age of seventy-three. While I think most of us know that we will run out of time before we run out of life, too often we go through our days not seeming to focus on that fact. We fail to think about our limited time, and how we want to spend it. And here we are, soon to be at the end of another year.

Has 2024 been all that you wanted it to be? Have you done the things you wanted to do? Have you spent enough time with the ones you love? Or have you stayed caught up in the busyness of life, failing to focus on what you really want out of life? Have you thought enough about the legacy you are leaving, and how you want to be remembered? Or are you just going along with the flow, letting one year blend into the next, failing to plan at all?

It isn’t too late to change our ways, as long as we have breath. We still have time to be more and do more, but only if we choose to. I have been thinking a lot about this lately, knowing that at my age, my time is limited. While I would love to live to one hundred years of age, like Past president Jimmy Carter, the odds of that are not in my favor. But it really isn’t about how long we live, but how well we live.

We have a little over two months left in 2024. Why not get those resolutions out that were set in January of 2024, and see what remains to be done before 2025? Or do you prefer to just rock along, going through the holidays, waiting for 2025 to come, and set new resolutions?

Your choice. And mine.

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Compassion Matters

Posted on October 12, 2024 by Patti Fralix

There are times for all of us (i think) when we fail to show compassion to others. At those times we are more concerned about being right than putting ourselves in the others’ shoes. Oh, we may be donating to causes, including to the hurricane efforts in Western NC and Florida, and those are worthy causes. I applaud the many people who have spent time and money reaching out to help the many in need. We should all show compassion in those situations. Regardless of how much or little we have, most of us have enough to share with others, and we should do so. The examples of people reaching out and helping people they do not even know are heartwarming. But let’s think of compassion in another way, closer to home.

We often fail to show compassion to those in our family or friend network, especially when we do not agree with their decisions or choices. This lack of compassion is usually found in how we say what we say, or what we fail to say, or fail to do. We do not have to agree with the others’ choices or decisions to show compassion. We just have to be kind.

We can all remember a time or two when someone close to us failed to show us compassion, and the hurt that we felt. A harsh word spoken can be carried around in our heart and head for days, and even longer. While we may try to convince ourselves that no harm was intended, we hurt.

There is also the failure to act with compassion, to reach out and do a meaningful deed for someone who is in need. We are often so self absorbed in our own stuff that we fail to recognize the needs of others, and do what we can to help. A friend of mine recently reached out to me in such a way, and I will always remember it.

Let’s look around at those who are hurting, and do what we can to help. We can offer a shoulder to lean on, a meal, or even money. It is harder to ask for help than it is to accept it. Our pride can get in the way. If we are paying attention, we can see when someone has a need. We can then do what we are able to do and choose to do to be a beacon of hope. At a minimum, we should not be negative, giving unwelcome advice when what is needed most is compassion.

When compassion is what is needed, let’s do our best to be compassionate.

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Life’s Changes, Challenges, and Blessings

Posted on October 5, 2024 by Patti Fralix

I posted my first blog almost ten years ago. In all of that time, I have only missed posting weekly a few times, and I have never missed posting two weeks consecutively. That will change if I don’t post this weekend. I have had difficulty getting this blog written. This blog has been a commitment of mine for almost ten years, and I am not ready to give it up.

One reason for not posting is that my very able assistant who has posted my blog for many years is no longer able to do so. Now, I have had to learn how to do the technical aspects of WordPress. Previous to this I just wrote, sent my blog to Gina, and she posted it, including cropping the photos, placing them where they need to be. Having to do the technical aspects of posting is way outside of my comfort zone. This change is one that I have not embraced, so it is easy to put it off.

Another reason for my delay in posting is not knowing what I want to write, with all that is going on around me. The devastation of Hurricane Helene in Asheville, Black Mountain, and surrounding areas has been so traumatic. Although I am three hours away from this devastation, it has reached me emotionally. I have a friend who is from Black Mountain, and we were together a day before Hurricane Helene hit her area. We were together at the University of Virginia at a celebration of the graduating class of 1974.

Betty Shotton, Patti Fralix, Dean Ernie Ern (who hand picked each of us women entering UVA in 1970) and Debby Denno at the Symposium reception, honoring Dean Ern.

Eight 1974 University of Virginia graduates returned to Grounds (not campus, but Grounds!) to share Memories and Lessons of our time spent there being the first class of undergraduate women to attend the University. There were 350 traditional first year students and 100 transfer students admitted to the University in 1970, most graduating in 1974. Our fifty-year reunion was held at the end of May. September 25-26 was a two-day Symposium whose purpose was to share our Experiences, Memories, and Lessons with current students and others. I was privileged to be one of the eight students selected by the Symposium Planning Committee to be on one of the two panels. My friend Betty from Black Mountain was on the Symposium Planning Committee and was also one of the eight panelists. I so enjoyed getting to know her and her husband Chris at the Symposium and grieve at the devastation they faced when they returned home. There were also many who were devastated by Hurricane Helene in Florida and Georgia.

After I arrived home from the Symposium Mike and I were spending the weekend with dear friends in Wilson. Their son and his family live a few minutes from Asheville, and were involved in Hurricane Helene’s devastation. Their home was not destroyed, but they did have significant damage, and were without power, cell service, and other things we take for granted, for days. After four days they were able to leave and get to their parents home in Wilson.

I am rambling, which is my current state of mind. I am sad about Hurricane Helene’s massive destruction, as well as some personal challenges, challenges greater than having to learn WordPress. While I am grateful for my blessings, I am having difficulty shaking the sadness.

Life is temporary at best. At times like this I am reminded of life’s fragility. I want to spend more time being grateful for my blessings than sad because of problems. As long as we are healthy, we can overcome most, or at least, many, of our challenges. If those suffering massive destruction in Western North Carolina. Florida, and Georgia can dig out, I have no excuse for being immobilized by my challenges.

Let me get busy, before life passes me by.

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A Few Days in NYC

Posted on September 20, 2024 by Patti Fralix

Mike had a business meeting in NYC this week, and since I love the city, I tagged along. The weather was perfect. My favorite thing to do in the city is walk, window shop, and yes, shop! This trip was perfect for all of that. While I walked lots (3 hours one day!) I did not buy much. I think NYC is pricing me out of shopping.

This time, more than ever before, I was struck by the cost of items. Although I love nice things, I have a threshold for what I am willing to spend. I am not wealthy, but even if I was, I do not think I could give myself permission to pay the cost for some of the items. Saks Fifth Avenue, which has been my favorite store for many years, no longer has the same attraction for me. The store now caters to the ultra wealthy, to the point that it is no longer fun for me to shop there.

I do appreciate details, and I loved the monogram of the hotel, the Quin, on the toilet paper. And that didn’t cost anything extra! Nor did the orchid on the dinner plate of Salmon at Rue 57. Classy and delicious. Rue 57 is one of our favorite restaurants in NYC. Another of our favorite restaurants is the Redeye Grill, which is where I took the first of the photos of Mike in 2016 and, the one below that, yesterday.

Where but in NYC can Adirondack chairs be found for sitting along the way?

One of my disappointments this trip was my inability to find cappuccino served in a “real” cup. Although it is easy to find cappuccino, in most places it was served in a paper cup. Call me a princess if you must, but I do not drink cappuccino from a paper cup. When I had about given up the search yesterday, I found Mangia at the next corner from our hotel, and it was delicious!

When in New York I always enjoy going to Eataly in the Flatiron district, and not just to eat. It is a food emporium. It is also a great restroom stop along my walk route! I was thrilled to see working water fountains there, which seemed to have disappeared with COVID.

I suppose this blog post proves that my needs are simple. A walk route that is interesting, with seating along the way, and bathrooms strategically located. Cappuccino, but in a “real” cup, not a paper cup. Shopping, but more for looking than buying, and certainly not for buying purses that cost more than $3200! Good food in pleasant surroundings, such as found at Rue 57 and the Redeye Grill. Broadway plays, although not this trip.

Traveling is a pleasant diversion from our everyday lives. If we keep our eyes and ears open to new experiences while traveling, we can learn a lot about ourselves. We can better understand what gives us pleasure, and what we are more than able to do without. Purses that were originally more than $6500 and are now reduced to $3277.80 fall in the “more than able to do without” category. But cappuccino in a “real cup” is a necessity.

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Wasting My Time and Money

Posted on September 15, 2024 by Patti Fralix

I have had several situations occur recently that have wasted my time and money. All of these have occurred with me as a customer. Customer service has long been a passion of mine, so as a customer concerned about my time and money being wasted, I implore us to refuse to accept poor service.

The first situation occurred with the purchase of a new refrigerator and ice maker for our beach rental condo. Our nine-year-old refrigerator and ice maker died at the end of August. (We could discuss why an appliance would not last more than nine years, but that can be the subject of another blog.)

I purchased a new refrigerator and ice maker August 31st and it was delivered a couple of days later. The ice maker was defective. The store offered to replace the ice maker and refrigerator, and scheduled the delivery. Since we do not live in the area, we had to make a special trip to accept the delivery, which wasted our time and money. The delivery was scheduled for September 15th.

We have thirty days from the order date to purchase an extended warranty. Although I am not a fan of extended warranties, since our previous refrigerator only lasted nine years, we may purchase the extended warranty. It occurred to me that we only have about fifteen days from the delivery of the (hopefully) working appliance, not thirty, to purchase the extended warranty. Since the first fifteen days of this time period were “used up” by replacing the defective appliance,and since this was outside of our control, it seemed that the order date could be adjusted by the store.

I called the corporate office of the appliance, and spent twenty minutes of my time trying to have this problem rectified in our favor. All that did was waste more of our time (and since time is money, our money) since the answer was “no.” So, the customer is at the disadvantage.

Another situation occurred when I went shopping on Saturday for a few items that I needed. Unfortunately, many other people also went shopping on Saturday. When I finished locating my items, I went to checkout. At least half of the checkout registers were not staffed, and the checkout line wrapped around the store twice. So, my time was wasted waiting in a very long line. I can hear you thinking that the store cannot find enough people that want to work. I consider this management’s problem. Managers need to find creative ways to entice people who need jobs to want to work in their stores. Not doing so is wasting the time (and money) of customers. This is a similar problem to that of the restaurant that half of its tables “closed” to customers because they do not have enough servers. Again, management’s problem. Why should customers have to wait thirty minutes or more to be seated and served, wasting their time, because the restaurant is understaffed?

I did not name the places of business in these situations, since these problems occur in many places of business. My purpose is not to give negative information about particular stores. I am asking customers to refuse to accept poor service, especially poor service that wastes our time and money.

My fifty-seven year friend Judy was wise beyond her years. I remember her saying many years ago, “Waste my food, waste my money, but do not waste my time.” For time is a non-renewable resource. Once lost, time cannot be replaced. If we need more money and we have more time, we can make more money. But once lost, time cannot be replaced.

Think about how often our time and money is wasted, and the real cost of that. Refuse to accept it. Let’s give our time and money to businesses that deserve it.

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Enjoying Change

Posted on September 6, 2024 by Patti Fralix
The sunset looking off of our deck at Caswell Beach, NC.

It is human nature to resist change, especially change that we do not feel in charge of or do not intentionally create. It is easier to stay in a rut than branch out and embrace change. I know some of you are thinking, “I like change.” If that is true about you, you are in the minority. Again, unless you feel that you are in charge of the change.

I was thinking about this today while enjoying cooler days of September. While I love summer, I also love each season, and the changes they bring. Well, I don’t love January and February, but I do enjoy the other months! As I was thinking about enjoying the change of the seasons, I began to wonder why the change of the seasons is often met with excitement, while change in general can be difficult for us. Something to ponder.

Why do I enjoy the change of the seasons? Each season has its beauty. The beauty of Fall may be the most splendid, with the leaves changing colors in such a magnificent manner. While Spring and Summer have blooming trees and flowers, many of which are beautiful, such as Crepe Myrtles and flowering fruit trees, I don’t think anything can compare to Fall’s beauty, especially in the southeast, which is the only part of the country that I have lived in. Just spend some time in the mountains of North Carolina in the Fall, and you will be awestruck.

I used to work with a consultant, Marilyn Moats Kennedy, who had a catchy phrase: ‘The only one who really likes change is a wet baby!”

The tag line for my business, the Fralix Group, Inc. is “Inspiring positive change in work, life, and family”. Please note the “positive” part of this. All change is certainly not positive. And change for change’s sake isn’t sufficient. But when change is positive, even if it is initially difficult, it can be life changing in a good way.

I think of our downsizing as a good example of this. While I certainly still miss, and always will, the beauty and space of our home that we built, remodeled, and lived in for almost thirty-five years, there are several things that I enjoy more about our current home. Our current home is actually a rental, and I like not having to worry about upkeep, either the responsibility for it or the cost of it. It is less than one-half of the space we had, and it is so much easier to maintain, clean, and even enjoy. I like knowing that we live in most of the space, and that there aren’t but a couple of rooms that we rarely occupy. I like being able to park in front of our garage door and walk into our home from the garage easily and quickly, instead of going through several rooms to live in a couple of rooms, rarely spending any time in probably three-fourths of the space. While this change was initially very difficult, even heart breaking, I am able to now see the positive in this change, and no longer actively grieve for what is past. Our home that was so hard to leave nurtured our family for many years, and then it was time for us to leave and create a new home. This has been a major change, and I am now able to accept that it was the right change for us at this time in our lives.

Ten-year-old Granddaughter Virginia designed and created a family blanket for me honoring our home and our memories that we were leaving the Christmas before we moved in January
Family memory blanket granddaughter Virginia made me.

We can enjoy change, and we can even embrace it. We can manage change, hopefully reducing the negative impacts of change we do not want. We can also resist change. But what we cannot do is stop change. Change happens whether it happens to us or with us. We are either moving forward or going backwards. What we cannot do is stay the same.

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