Don’t let them go to their grave, or you to yours, without forgiveness. If reconciliation is possible, strive for reconciliation. But if reconciliation is not possible, and/or if it is too late for that, forgive. Forgiveness is always possible, even if you are the only one in the dynamic aware of your forgiveness. And you know what is said about forgiveness. Forgiveness is for us, not for the other person. Oh, of course, the other person deserves forgiveness. Yes, believe it, they do. But the one who benefits the most is the one who forgives.
I will always remember one of my last conversations with my mother. She was in the hospital, very ill. We had a troubled relationship for many years. My mother was an alcoholic and did some things a parent, or anyone for that matter, should never do. I had long since forgiven her for how she mistreated me, but she was not able to forgive herself. On that day I remember her saying, “I wish I had been a better mother, that I had not done the things I did to you.” I replied, “Mother, I forgave that many years ago.” She replied, “I wish I could forgive myself.” I don’t think she ever did forgive herself, which still grieves me to this day. There are also some things that I did not do for my mother when she needed my help, that I will always regret. It is too late to repair that, but it is not too late for me to forgive myself. So, I have forgiven myself, and strive to be a better person in all of my relationships.
My beautiful mother
At this season of Christmas, we should think about the gift of our relationships, and do our best to make them all healthy and loving, while there is still time. This is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves, and to others.
Is there someone you need to forgive, including yourself? As long as there is breath, there is time.
I continue to be amazed at how things change as time goes by. This time of the year as I turn another year older, thankfully, I am especially mindful of this. Even when we bemoan the fact of aging, we know the only alternative to aging, even with its aches and pains, is death, and most chose life over death. Even so, we often resist the changes that come with aging, and not just those changes we experience in our bodies. Thanksgiving has just passed in the United States, and Christmas and other holidays are around the bend, Some of the changes I have experienced relate to this time of the year.
If you have known me long, you have heard me talk and write about our family’s Thanksgiving traditions. Mike and I hosted our extended family’s Thanksgivings for thirty-five years. What began as ten to twelve of us grew to sixty-five of us. As our celebrations grew, so did my collection of china Turkey plates, crystal, and silver. Our home in Raleigh was able to seat all sixty-five, and I enjoyed preparing the tables more than the food. We are a family of cooks,
and our meals began on Wednesday morning and ended on Friday night.
Mike and I hosting the Thanksgiving feasts ended three years ago when we downsized and no longer had the space. The elder cousins took up the mantle and now plan our celebrations. Two of the last three years we travelled to the beach and one year we went to the mountains. Paper and plastic have replaced china turkey plates, but the food is just as delicious. I am sure that most of the family enjoy dish duty much more now! Our most recent Thanksgiving we were in Oak Island, NC, and there were 42 of us. The elder cousins are doing a phenomenal job keeping our tradition alive, and I am gradually letting go of our earlier tradition, including the turkey plates.
Our precious five grandchildren. Top: (L) 19 year-old Mary Grace, (R) 12 year-old Virginia, (Middle) 17 year-old Elsie, and Bottom (L) 6 year- old Drew and (R) 2 year-old Hayden.
Christmas is only two weeks away, and given the proximity of Thanksgiving to Christmas this year and our traveling schedule, I, for the first time ever, seriously considered not putting up a Christmas tree. Last year I broke with tradition and had our first artificial tree. That was a hard change for me to make, since in earlier years we had as many as five live trees! But once I made the change, and especially this year when it was so easy to get the tree out of storage and avoid the tree lots and all of that effort, I was so glad that we had made the change. And although we do not have much time to enjoy the tree this year, I decided I had to have a tree. While I said it was so our youngest grandchildren who live near us would be able to enjoy the tree, I know it is really me that wants to enjoy it. I am not ready to give up this tradition yet. But I am letting go of hosting parties, since the effort involved is more than I am able to exert.
As I ruminate over how our traditions have changed, I am mindful of how change changes us. Some of the changes are indeed losses, and we need to be able to grieve those before we are able to let them go and enjoy what changes replace them. Some of the changes are indeed gains, and if we are able to grasp those for what benefits they give us, we can move forward without regret.
50 years passed so quickly!
It is easy to resist change, yet we cannot truly avoid changing and changes. Change is a necessary part of life. When we resist change, we are trying to hold on to what was, failing to accept what is. While our past slips out of our hands, we have the choice to grab onto the new with all of its benefits, and yes, also with its losses. We also have the choice to try to hold on to what we had, thinking we can keep things like they were, which never works.
What changes are you experiencing? Are you accepting those gracefully? If so, you can eventually enjoy the benefits of your new reality. The other choice we have is to bemoan our new reality, and become bitter trying to hold on to what was. What do you choose?
I choose paper and plastic over china. The alternative could be not gathering with family at all, and that would be a much greater loss.
I love to listen to podcasts, and especially when I am walking. I recently listened to a podcast by Andy Stanley, and it touched me so much that I have listened to it twice. The podcast is titled “better decisions, fewer regrets.” (The title is not capitalized.) The subtitle is “5 Questions To Help You Determine Your Next Move.” The entire podcast is excellent, but there is one part in particular that really resonated with me. It is in that section that Andy Stanley says to “Pay Attention To The Tension.”
I think of “Pay Attention To The Tension” as knowing when something we are getting ready to do doesn’t feel right. Another way to say this is to pay attention to our gut, or to our intuition. While I believe this, and can think of times in which I found this to be true, knowing this is a valid approach does not make it easy to do. There are several reasons for this.
One issue is that we do not always know how to interpret the feelings we are having when we are “Paying Attention To The Tension.” Are we just having cold feet? Do we really know what we should do, yet don’t have the courage to do it? Or, are we truly confused about the signals we are getting? Then there is the issue of procrastination. Do we know what we should do, and yet put off doing it?
Sometimes we are just stuck, and really don’t know what to do. When that happens, we can become immobilized. But most of us are not comfortable with being immobilized, so we do something, even if we don’t know if it is the right thing to do. What we do know, or think we know, is that action is better than inaction. So we act, not knowing if it is the right thing to do, or maybe even thinking it isn’t the right thing to do. What we should do is get more comfortable with not knowing, and not allowing ourselves to act until we have more clarity.
Although this is hard to do, I have learned that when I do not know what to do, I shouldn’t do anything. I just need to get more comfortable with not knowing, and not doing.
I need to Pay Attention To The Tension. The tension is telling me something, I just do not yet know what it is telling me. If I give it time, clarity will come.
I am sure it is partly my age, but I struggle with the lack of clear and timely communication, especially written communication. The area where I find this most troublesome is with texts. I decided it is time to address this issue.
It is not uncommon for me to send a text to someone and to not get a reply. Not just that I do not get a reply in a timely manner, but I do not get a reply at all. I know that we are all busy, but when someone sends us a text, it deserves a reply. Granted, some of us, and I am in this group, can be too wordy in our texts. But even so, when we receive a text from someone, the polite response is to answer it. I realize that we sometimes do not reply immediately when we read a text, plan to go back later to do so, then forget to. We can all be guilty of this, especially if a lot of texts come in and follow that one, and we do not see that we haven’t answered the one. One way to rectify this is to scan our texts a couple of times a day. If we are doing this, we will see when we have failed to answer a text.
If we are communicating something that is complicated, texting may not be the best way for that communication to occur. It is too easy for a miscommunication to occur since many people use texting for quick questions and quick answers, not when they choose to be or need to be wordy. In fact, if something is complicated, it may be best for that to be discussed, and preferably discussed in person. The same is true if the topic involves conflict or potential misunderstanding. Face to face communication is best in these situations, whenever possible.
One area of concern for some people are group texts. While a group text can be good from an efficiency standpoint, allowing us to send information to several people at once, they can also be problematic. Some people do not ”reply to all” in a group text, or do not reply at all. We should assume that if we receive the text, a reply is expected. While we sometimes struggle with whether or not to “reply to all” in a group text, the best case is to do so, so all get the same information.
When texting, or when communicating anything in writing, we should remember that the written word may sometimes need to be “softened.” The written word can sound too harsh, just by using some words. We can use qualifiers to soften the words, as long as they are used appropriately. Even when using qualifiers to soften the words, the words should still be clear. If the other person has to try to figure out what they think we mean, that can waste their time. On the other hand, we can be too clear, or too definitive. If we are too definitive, we can sound aggressive.
Communicating effectively is not easy. But it is so very important. Let’s make our communication timely, clear, and friendly.
Today is an important day. It is Election Day in the United States, of course, and that alone makes it an important day. It is also my husband Mike’s birthday, as well as my cousin Mason’s birthday. Happy Birthday to Mike and Mason, and may the best person for our country win the presidential election. I think you probably join me in being glad Election Day is finally here.
November is an important month for other reasons. This is the month when we celebrate Thanksgiving. Although the actual day is three weeks away, it is time for us to focus on being thankful. There are many reasons to be thankful, even if/when we have challenges. One of my challenges recently relates to Thanksgiving. Before I mention the details of this challenge, I want to clearly state that this is a first world problem. This challenge of mine is not at all on the level of what many people have suffered through, including those in Western NC due to the major destruction there.
Those who know me or have followed my musings may remember that my family has celebrated Thanksgiving in a major way for many years. Until 2022 most of those celebrations occurred in our home in Raleigh, NC. The last few years we had more than sixty people, mainly family who traveled from Maryland to Florida and convened in Raleigh for several days. Since I love decorating and all things beautiful related to tables, over the years I collected sixty-five Thanksgiving china turkey plates for our gatherings. I so enjoyed preparing the tables and did not mind at all the effort required to do so. The beauty of the tables nourished my soul as much as the delicious food plated on them.
Now that we have downsized and are going to the beach or mountains for our Thanksgiving family celebration and eat with paper and plastic, I no longer need sixty-five turkey plates. Although it has been hard to let them go, I decided this year to cut that cord. I kept about twenty of my favorite plates, thinking at some point our nuclear family might “need” them, or that I will leave them to the children and/or grandchildren. I put the others in my favorite consignment store for sale. Although I don’t have a “need” for them now, that was hard for me to do. This challenge is not major in the scope of life, but it was hard for me. Time is a great healer, and I am now ready to let some things go that I have been holding onto. While there is still work to be done in that area, I am making progress.
As you think about this season, what are you thankful for? Certainly we are, or should be, thankful for family and friends with whom to gather around the Thanksgiving table(s.) Good health is a blessing, and one not to be taken for granted. Caring for our bodies by maintaining a healthy weight and exercising to the level of our ability is one way we show gratitude for our good health. We can loosen up some on this at special meals like Thanksgiving, but not by much.
With only a little more than a month and a half left in this year, what are your remaining goals for 2024? It isn’t too late to focus on changes we want to make. It is never too late to get started. Yes, today is a very important day, but tomorrow is also, and the days after. Regardless of our country’s decision for President and the other elected offices, we individually need to continue to work on being our best selves. We have the ability to impact our own lives more than anything or anyone else.
Let’s make this very important day the beginning of a very important year. If we work diligently, we can make a lot of progress on our commitments, especially commitments to ourselves.
Being successful in life requires good habits. One definition of a habit is “a regular practice, or usual manner of behavior.” We all have habits, some good, some not so good. Good habits help us become better people, achieving our goals. Bad habits have the opposite effect. Habits can become addictions. An addiction is defined as “ a strong physical or psychological need or urge to do something.” I think of addictions as extremes of habits. Whereas habits can be made and broken by oneself, dealing with addictions may require the assistance of others. I think of habits as healthier than addictions.
I was thinking of habits on my daily walk this morning. I had not wanted to take my daily walk today since doing so takes forty-five minutes, and I was leaving to go out of town. But if I had not walked today, I would have broken a two-week stint of walking daily. Once broken, it would be easier to not walk the next day. I walk for my physical and mental health, listening to podcasts.
Walking has always been my exercise of choice. I do not like machines, so going to a gym to work out does not interest me at all. We even have an exercise bike at home, which I do not use, nor does Mike. It is just taking up floor space. It hasn’t been used in probably at least five years. When we moved a couple of years ago I told Mike that if he did not use the bike in three months, I was getting rid of it. (I never planned to use it!) Almost two years later, I have not kept my promise. That is another of my habits, making threats or promises that I do not keep!
I stopped drinking alcohol almost five and a half years ago. The initial reason that I stopped was to lose weight. I did lose weight, (fifty-seven pounds!) although I don’t think the alcohol change had much to do with that. I had become an almost daily drinker of (usually) Chardonnay. It was obviously a habit, and would have become an addiction if I had continued. With a mother and father who were alcoholics, I knew the danger was too great for me to tempt the odds. Thankfully I was able to stop without any assistance, and I have not been tempted to resume drinking. I feel so much better, although I did not know that I needed to feel better! We have a culture that promotes alcohol, although there are more people now who are choosing non-alcoholic beverages. I have decided that I do not need nor want non-alcoholic beverages. Iced tea is my beverage of choice!
For me, habits are easier to make than to break. I know myself well enough to understand how to be successful with habits. I have a lack of consistency challenge, and I have started and stopped many walking routines through the years. While I know that I should be able to take a day off from walking without thinking that doing so will ruin my commitment, I know myself well enough to resist doing so.
Is there a positive habit to which you are committed? How do you stay committed, and what helps you to do so? What about addictions? Do any come to mind? Is there anything that you want to change to be your best self? I think I have a sugar addiction, and that is my next growth area.
Habits can be a help or a hindrance. Addictions are usually negative, and take away from us being our best.
Let’s make sure that what we spend our time doing reinforces our best selves.
With the end of October around the corner, another year is almost a wrap. With each passing year I marvel at the passing of time. This was reinforced to me this week by spending time with our oldest granddaughter, Mary Grace. Mike had a meeting in Athens, Ga. and since Mary Grace is a student there at UGA, we were able to spend some time with her. How could she be nineteen years of age already? It seems like yesterday when she was born. I can still see her standing at her glass front door crying as I left her. This time, as I dropped her off at the building for her class before leaving town, my tears were the ones falling. I wondered how the years pass so quickly. Many reading this will understand exactly what I mean, and can feel those same feelings.
When we were younger, the years did not pass so quickly. Looking forward we seemed to have all of the time in the world. Not so for me now at the soon to be age of seventy-three. While I think most of us know that we will run out of time before we run out of life, too often we go through our days not seeming to focus on that fact. We fail to think about our limited time, and how we want to spend it. And here we are, soon to be at the end of another year.
Has 2024 been all that you wanted it to be? Have you done the things you wanted to do? Have you spent enough time with the ones you love? Or have you stayed caught up in the busyness of life, failing to focus on what you really want out of life? Have you thought enough about the legacy you are leaving, and how you want to be remembered? Or are you just going along with the flow, letting one year blend into the next, failing to plan at all?
It isn’t too late to change our ways, as long as we have breath. We still have time to be more and do more, but only if we choose to. I have been thinking a lot about this lately, knowing that at my age, my time is limited. While I would love to live to one hundred years of age, like Past president Jimmy Carter, the odds of that are not in my favor. But it really isn’t about how long we live, but how well we live.
We have a little over two months left in 2024. Why not get those resolutions out that were set in January of 2024, and see what remains to be done before 2025? Or do you prefer to just rock along, going through the holidays, waiting for 2025 to come, and set new resolutions?
There are times for all of us (i think) when we fail to show compassion to others. At those times we are more concerned about being right than putting ourselves in the others’ shoes. Oh, we may be donating to causes, including to the hurricane efforts in Western NC and Florida, and those are worthy causes. I applaud the many people who have spent time and money reaching out to help the many in need. We should all show compassion in those situations. Regardless of how much or little we have, most of us have enough to share with others, and we should do so. The examples of people reaching out and helping people they do not even know are heartwarming. But let’s think of compassion in another way, closer to home.
We often fail to show compassion to those in our family or friend network, especially when we do not agree with their decisions or choices. This lack of compassion is usually found in how we say what we say, or what we fail to say, or fail to do. We do not have to agree with the others’ choices or decisions to show compassion. We just have to be kind.
We can all remember a time or two when someone close to us failed to show us compassion, and the hurt that we felt. A harsh word spoken can be carried around in our heart and head for days, and even longer. While we may try to convince ourselves that no harm was intended, we hurt.
There is also the failure to act with compassion, to reach out and do a meaningful deed for someone who is in need. We are often so self absorbed in our own stuff that we fail to recognize the needs of others, and do what we can to help. A friend of mine recently reached out to me in such a way, and I will always remember it.
Let’s look around at those who are hurting, and do what we can to help. We can offer a shoulder to lean on, a meal, or even money. It is harder to ask for help than it is to accept it. Our pride can get in the way. If we are paying attention, we can see when someone has a need. We can then do what we are able to do and choose to do to be a beacon of hope. At a minimum, we should not be negative, giving unwelcome advice when what is needed most is compassion.
When compassion is what is needed, let’s do our best to be compassionate.
I posted my first blog almost ten years ago. In all of that time, I have only missed posting weekly a few times, and I have never missed posting two weeks consecutively. That will change if I don’t post this weekend. I have had difficulty getting this blog written. This blog has been a commitment of mine for almost ten years, and I am not ready to give it up.
One reason for not posting is that my very able assistant who has posted my blog for many years is no longer able to do so. Now, I have had to learn how to do the technical aspects of WordPress. Previous to this I just wrote, sent my blog to Gina, and she posted it, including cropping the photos, placing them where they need to be. Having to do the technical aspects of posting is way outside of my comfort zone. This change is one that I have not embraced, so it is easy to put it off.
Another reason for my delay in posting is not knowing what I want to write, with all that is going on around me. The devastation of Hurricane Helene in Asheville, Black Mountain, and surrounding areas has been so traumatic. Although I am three hours away from this devastation, it has reached me emotionally. I have a friend who is from Black Mountain, and we were together a day before Hurricane Helene hit her area. We were together at the University of Virginia at a celebration of the graduating class of 1974.
Betty Shotton, Patti Fralix, Dean Ernie Ern (who hand picked each of us women entering UVA in 1970) and Debby Denno at the Symposium reception, honoring Dean Ern.
Eight 1974 University of Virginia graduates returned to Grounds (not campus, but Grounds!) to share Memories and Lessons of our time spent there being the first class of undergraduate women to attend the University. There were 350 traditional first year students and 100 transfer students admitted to the University in 1970, most graduating in 1974. Our fifty-year reunion was held at the end of May. September 25-26 was a two-day Symposium whose purpose was to share our Experiences, Memories, and Lessons with current students and others. I was privileged to be one of the eight students selected by the Symposium Planning Committee to be on one of the two panels. My friend Betty from Black Mountain was on the Symposium Planning Committee and was also one of the eight panelists. I so enjoyed getting to know her and her husband Chris at the Symposium and grieve at the devastation they faced when they returned home. There were also many who were devastated by Hurricane Helene in Florida and Georgia.
After I arrived home from the Symposium Mike and I were spending the weekend with dear friends in Wilson. Their son and his family live a few minutes from Asheville, and were involved in Hurricane Helene’s devastation. Their home was not destroyed, but they did have significant damage, and were without power, cell service, and other things we take for granted, for days. After four days they were able to leave and get to their parents home in Wilson.
I am rambling, which is my current state of mind. I am sad about Hurricane Helene’s massive destruction, as well as some personal challenges, challenges greater than having to learn WordPress. While I am grateful for my blessings, I am having difficulty shaking the sadness.
Life is temporary at best. At times like this I am reminded of life’s fragility. I want to spend more time being grateful for my blessings than sad because of problems. As long as we are healthy, we can overcome most, or at least, many, of our challenges. If those suffering massive destruction in Western North Carolina. Florida, and Georgia can dig out, I have no excuse for being immobilized by my challenges.
Mike had a business meeting in NYC this week, and since I love the city, I tagged along. The weather was perfect. My favorite thing to do in the city is walk, window shop, and yes, shop! This trip was perfect for all of that. While I walked lots (3 hours one day!) I did not buy much. I think NYC is pricing me out of shopping.
This time, more than ever before, I was struck by the cost of items. Although I love nice things, I have a threshold for what I am willing to spend. I am not wealthy, but even if I was, I do not think I could give myself permission to pay the cost for some of the items. Saks Fifth Avenue, which has been my favorite store for many years, no longer has the same attraction for me. The store now caters to the ultra wealthy, to the point that it is no longer fun for me to shop there.
I do appreciate details, and I loved the monogram of the hotel, the Quin, on the toilet paper. And that didn’t cost anything extra! Nor did the orchid on the dinner plate of Salmon at Rue 57. Classy and delicious. Rue 57 is one of our favorite restaurants in NYC. Another of our favorite restaurants is the Redeye Grill, which is where I took the first of the photos of Mike in 2016 and, the one below that, yesterday.
Where but in NYC can Adirondack chairs be found for sitting along the way?
One of my disappointments this trip was my inability to find cappuccino served in a “real” cup. Although it is easy to find cappuccino, in most places it was served in a paper cup. Call me a princess if you must, but I do not drink cappuccino from a paper cup. When I had about given up the search yesterday, I found Mangia at the next corner from our hotel, and it was delicious!
When in New York I always enjoy going to Eataly in the Flatiron district, and not just to eat. It is a food emporium. It is also a great restroom stop along my walk route! I was thrilled to see working water fountains there, which seemed to have disappeared with COVID.
I suppose this blog post proves that my needs are simple. A walk route that is interesting, with seating along the way, and bathrooms strategically located. Cappuccino, but in a “real” cup, not a paper cup. Shopping, but more for looking than buying, and certainly not for buying purses that cost more than $3200! Good food in pleasant surroundings, such as found at Rue 57 and the Redeye Grill. Broadway plays, although not this trip.
Traveling is a pleasant diversion from our everyday lives. If we keep our eyes and ears open to new experiences while traveling, we can learn a lot about ourselves. We can better understand what gives us pleasure, and what we are more than able to do without. Purses that were originally more than $6500 and are now reduced to $3277.80 fall in the “more than able to do without” category. But cappuccino in a “real cup” is a necessity.
It's In The Sauce! 