The end of August heralds the end of summer for all practical purposes. Most school age children are back in school. Labor Day weekend marks the last beach holiday until next Memorial Day. Once Labor Day passes, we get into fast forward mode preparing for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, as well as other celebrations including Kwanzaa and Hanukkah. It tires me to even think about it! But there s something else worth thinking about.
With only four months left in 2024, it is important to review our goals/plans for this year and see where we are. If our analysis finds that we have not accomplished what we had planned to, if we get busy, we can still make progress. After all, is our life not as important as decorating and celebrating holidays? I think so. No, I more than think so, I know so. Let’s think about a simple process for goal setting.
Think about the end of December, 2024. What are four major priorities that you want to accomplish between now and then? Not ten, just four. Think about this as one per month. Then divide the months into four weeks, and decide what activity can be done that week to accomplish that month’s goals. Now, do the work. It can be this simple. Go back and review your goals/plans that you set at the beginning of the year and determine if any of those can realistically be accomplished by the end of the year.
This is a very “left-brain” approach to goal setting and accomplishment. It is not my natural tendency to think in this manner. But I have learned that I have to have a manageable process in order to be successful in this, and this works for me.
Now, I will go and work on mine. Good luck to you, and have a safe and enjoyable Labor Day.
I heard this phrase, The Space Between Knowing and Doing, in the past few days, and I am not sure where I heard it. But it resonated with me so much that I want to pen some thoughts about it.
We can all think of examples of this. The ones that come to mind for me include exercising consistently and eating what I know I should eat to stay healthy and within my WeightWatchers plan. There are days that I stay on track with both of these, such as today, and days I don’t, which includes too many days lately. The difference is not in knowing, but in doing. How can I have more days of knowing and doing? Well, that is not complicated, but it isn’t easy. I know what to do, even when I am not doing it. If it was easy, it would not get star billing in this blog.
But enough about me. How are you with this dichotomy between knowing and doing? Your challenge may not be weight control and exercise. It might be too much alcohol, which in my humble opinion, is any alcohol at all. But that may be too severe for you. You know how much is too much for you. But knowing and doing in this area may be your challenge. If it is, when will you get in control of it?
To get in control we first of all have to be willing to do so. It will never work for someone else to want us to be in control of whatever is controlling us. As adults, we must face the facts and be willing to do the work.
Last week I had the privilege of helping a cousin pack up and move from his antebellum home in Virginia, a home he has loved, and grieved leaving. I can identify. My cousin Mason is my beloved and deceased Uncle Barry’s son. He lived alone and had little social support. He is not healthy, including having congestive heart failure. When I spoke with him a few weeks ago and heard that he was moving, he was so short of breath that he could hardly speak. I decided to do what I could to help. I traveled to his home three hours away in Virginia on two separate occasions over two weeks, managing his move.
You might wonder why I consider this a privilege. Why would I think that standing on my feet for many days, going through a lifetime of someone’s possessions, packing some, throwing out more, and donating the rest would be a privilege? I consider it a privilege simply because I was able to help someone who really needed help, without an expectation of anything in return. I was able to get outside of myself for a week and give selflessly to another, for no reason other than I could, and if I could, I should. So, I did.
If this is true, and I believe it is, why do we hold onto so much stuff?
I do not mention this in a prideful manner, but in a humble one. It was humbling for me to be able to give of my time and of myself. While I was physically exhausted for days and am still recovering, the exhaustion I feel will dissipate and I will be left with wonderful memories. Memories of getting outside of myself and helping someone who truly needed help. I have not done enough of this. While I do not like to think of myself as selfish, I can’t recall ever before giving of myself in this manner. Oh sure, I have helped others in small ways, but never as much as I could have or should have.
Just a few of the many things discarded.
In some ways, I was paying it forward. I had lots of help packing up and cleaning out our home of thirty-five years a year and a half ago. Although I thought I did, I probably did not really appreciate what others gave to me when they helped with our move. After this recent experience, I have a much greater appreciation for others’ gift of time and sweat equity.
Mason wanted to pay me for my help, but I would not let him. His heartfelt appreciation was more than enough “pay.” I just asked him to “pay it forward, in whatever way he can whenever he can.
We should know if we owe someone an apology! An apology given after the words, “If I Owe You an Apology” is not an apology at all. Don’t qualify your apology, just apologize! And do not say, “That was not my intent.” Your intent is irrelevant. Your intent matters only to you. The other person judges you based on their perception of your behavior. This is so simple, yet people frequently wallow around in their apologies and their intent and make matters worse!
Again, enough said
We too often want to prove our point and do not want to feel that we are wrong. When we use phrases like those above, we only make matters worse. Just apologize and keep your intent to yourself!
Communicating effectively is simple, yet not easy. I could say a lot more about this, but I think I will just let those points sink in, and make this my shortest blog ever.
If Victor Frankl could believe this, we have no excuse for not choosing our best response.
It isn’t just the summer that is slipping away. Months and years are passing so quickly. Perhaps it is time to focus on what you want your next few years to include, while there is still time. Maybe it is time to decide what behaviors we want in change in ourselves.
With August soon to arrive, the summer of 2024 is almost a wrap. Has this summer been a good one for you? Is there something you wanted to do this summer that you haven’t yet done? If so, it is time to get busy on that before the summer slips away.
The mountains are so peaceful, so we should also be!
I want more kindness in my life. I want to be kinder, and I want to surround myself with people who are kind. I also want more patience. I want to exhibit more patience, and I want others to be more patient with me. Even in the best of times, life can be difficult. We only need to open our eyes to the struggles some others have to really appreciate what we have.
I have had an experience in the past few days that highlights the importance of both kindness and patience. Life can be so difficult at times that it is easy for our patience to wear thin and our behavior to be less than kind. We are so often in a hurry that our temper gets short when we have delays, especially delays that are unnecessary.
Those who know me can attest to the fact that I am usually in a hurry, even if there is no need to rush. Given this, when I encounter delays, especially those that make no sense, I can react. When this happens, kindness is not what the other person usually sees in me. I decided to work on this and improve in this area.
Our politicians should model this behavior.
I was in Virginia helping a relative clean out and pack up for a move. I went to a storage facility to see a unit he is considering renting. I booked a reservation for this by phone. When I arrived at the facility at 1:40pm, there was a sign on the door that read “the office is closed every day from 1-2pm,” and there was another sign that read “I will return at 2:05pm.” This facility was a fifteen-minute drive from my cousin who I was helping’s home. I was short on time with all that needed to be done before leaving later in the afternoon to make the three-hour drive home. This delay would affect how much I was able to get done.
I was not happy about what I considered a lapse in customer service. Why was this information not provided to me when I booked the reservation? This was a systems lapse, and reinforced my philosophy, “People don’t fail, systems do.”
I had a choice to make. Regardless of what I thought about the lapse in customer service, regardless of how much the problem delayed what I needed to get done, I had a choice to make. I could get angry and let the staff person know what I thought about their lapse in customer service! Or I could accept the delay, be kind to the staff person, and patiently do what I came there to do. I made the latter choice. This is not how my nature wanted to behave, but for whatever reason, I decided I would exhibit patience and kindness. I felt good about my behavior, so good that I think I will behave better in other interactions. Not all interactions most likely, but more!
Indeed it is!
Lacking patience and not being kind may not be your challenge. You may already have those mastered. But there might be other behavior changes you need to make to be a better person. I don’t know what those are, but you do.
How about getting started working on what improvements you want to make? This last month of summer 2024 can be the time that you master a behavior change that you want/need to make.
These are difficult times. The division in our country is getting worse. We had an assassination attempt on past president, Donald Trump, last weekend. While the assassination attempt was not successful, Donald Trump was injured, and three other people were as well, and one of those lost his life. Regardless of what we believe politically, regardless of who we prefer to be in the White House as President in January of 2025, we need to do our part to stop the madness before it destroys our democracy. But how do we do that? Where do we start?
We can start by being on our best behavior. We can be respectful. We can refuse to engage in telling lies, exaggerating, or casting disbursement on either party or presidential candidate. We can be sure about our facts, or as sure as possible, and not allow the spin doctors to change our thinking. We can read everything we can find from reputable sources, and judge for ourselves where the truth is. We can let our values guide us.
How do we know who and what to trust? How do we reconcile the fact that people who were so opposed to a candidate, saying terrible things about his character, behavior, and motivations, turn and now support him without reservation? We hear “That’s just politics.” Maybe so, but how do we trust the character, behavior, and motivations of those turncoats?
How do we know who to believe? How do we know how much of what is reported is really true?
My comments are not aimed at any particular political party. They really aren’t aimed at any politician. They are aimed at all of us, us individually, as Americans. For this is really as much of an individual problem as it is a systemic problem. Also, the problem isn’t new. In fact, I was reminded by someone just today about how these same problems have been around for many years. While I know that is true, am I wrong to believe that the problems are worse now? Or do they just seem worse because we have a twenty-four-hour news cycle that keeps them in front of us? I honestly do not know. What I do know is that we could self-destruct if things don’t change.
Let’s all just have a cappuccino and be at peace within ourselves and with others!
So, what can we concerned citizens do about any of this? I made a few suggestions above. In addition to those, I suggest we engage in dialogue with those we trust. Instead of avoiding a discussion of politics, I suggest we openly discuss our differences and attempt to find common ground. We might just learn something from others in the process.
What we should not do is make unilateral statements against politicians, assuming we know who is telling the truth and who can be trusted, and why “our” candidate is the best candidate. We should listen more than we talk. We should take the high road when others are not as good at discussing these issues as I recommend we be.
If we put ourselves in the position to learn something from others, we just might find some room for movement in our staunch positions. We just might find common ground.
The power of letting go can start with letting go of stuff.
Our family was together in Hilton Head last week for our annual family vacation, or at least, some of us were. This was an unusual year in that different schedule conflicts kept some away. I know that is bound to happen as the grandchildren age and have activities that conflict with the family vacation. So, this year our three youngest grandchildren were with us for some of the time, and the two oldest were not able to make it at all. In years past not only were all of the grandchildren present, but they also had friends join us. While it was a different year, we enjoyed the time together that we had.
When traveling and staying in condos, I am always struck by how differently we live when at home. The difference was especially graphic this year for me. I think this has something to do with me going through a major downsizing in the past couple of years, and still trying to reconcile the possessions I need, and those that I can do without. While I realize that there is a difference between what we want to live within our own homes, and what we are willing to do without when staying in rental property, perhaps we need to pay attention to those things that we really don’t “need.”
Two of our precious granddaughters at Hilton Head, 12-year-old Virginia and 2-year old Hayden.
I usually carry many more kitchen items than I took this year. While we usually have more people and cook more than I knew we would this year, I am still surprised that I did not feel the need to carry lots of kitchen stuff with me. I usually take my good knives, griddle, special mixing bowls, and various other items. I left all of that at home this year. And I did not miss any of it. I did cook one dinner meal and had everything I needed to do so, although I was worried initially that I might not. I made a chicken casserole and took spices for that with me, realizing that there was no need to buy those spices.
The kitchen was equipped with only one casserole dish, which was all that I needed. I probably have ten at home. While there really wasn’t a mixing bowl per se, there was a glass salad bowl, which sufficed fine as a mixing bowl. There was only one measuring cup, a one cup, and I use at least three when I am cooking at home. One was sufficient.
Dr. Danks and 6-year-old grandson Drew and Nana and Hayden.
Thankfully, there was a cream pitcher, which I prefer to have, and I often find is missing in a rental. There was a large frying pan, and a small one, which was more than enough. There were two saucepans, which was enough. There was only one pan suitable for roasting vegetables, but one was enough. There were no baking pans at all, and I think there should have been at least a muffin tin, although we did not need it. In fact, there wasn’t any kitchen item that we needed that wasn’t stocked.
There were plenty of plates, bowls, cups, and glasses. There was a pitcher, which we did not use. I had brought my tea pitcher with me. There were ample mixing spoons, although not nearly as many as I have at home. There was ample flatware.
If we remove all that is unnecessary, we can find peace.
There were two dish towels, but no cotton dishcloth, only a sponge. That was what I missed the most from my own kitchen. I prefer a cotton dishcloth.
I realized that I took too many clothes. I found that I repeated what I wore, probably only wearing three different outfits the entire week, the ones that are most comfortable! I do the same thing at home.
I need to cull my kitchen cabinets and greatly reduce the number of same items that I own, such as casserole dishes. I also need to do the same thing in my drawers and closet and get rid of the clothes that I am not wearing. Why have clogged cabinets and drawers of items that I am not using?
Regardless of how much stuff we have accumulated and are not using, we can get out from under it and change our ending.
I have noticed some changes since we returned from vacation. I had planned to buy a couple of new clothes items but have not done so. I have consciously decided that if I only wear the same few things, why buy more? Another change. I also walked away from some dishes that I found on sale and loved, realizing that I should not bring any more dishes into our space unless and until I get rid of lots of what I have that I am not using.
I think I am ready to get rid of unnecessary duplicates, even of items that I love. If we have more than we can use, why do we keep it all? Just because we bought it, paid perhaps too much for it, and still find it beautiful?
My cabinets, drawers, and closets are stuffed so full that I can’t easily get to what I want to use. Thus, having so much that I can’t use what I have means I have less than I would if I had less and yet could easily use what I have!
I know that you have no idea what this is all about! Or do you? Are there some changes that you also need to make?
One of my heroes is Gandhi. One of my favorite quotes from Gandhi is “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” This quote speaks volumes to me. The tagline for my business of more than thirty years is “Inspiring Positive Change in Work, Life, and Family.” “Work, Life, and Family” kind of covers everything, don’t you think?! It’s quite ambitious, but it‘s exactly what I care about.
Work without family is empty. Life without work or family can be meaningless. And family, as important as it is, does not exist without work by someone in something. Speaking of “work,” do not think of work as only work outside the home for pay. To me, there are three important types of work.
The most commonly thought of definition of work is what can be called “Market Work, which is work for pay outside the home. In most families, at least up to the age of retirement, someone in the family is doing Market Work, and in many cases, both adults in the family (when there are two) are doing Market Work, full-time or part-time. It is Market Work that pays for the things needed and desired by those in the family. Thinking of “work” as only “Market Work,” however, is short-sighted.
The second category of work is “Family Work.” In every family, there are things that need to get done for the family to function. Included in this are activities such as cooking, cleaning, and in many families, parenting. Family Work is every bit as important (and some would say, more important) as “Market Work,” regardless of who does it, even though it isn’t usually financially compensated.
The third type of work in my philosophy of work is “Volunteer Work.” Volunteer Work includes community service such as charitable organizations, church work, and any other service work for which one isn’t financially compensated, such as PTA service. While it may not be common to think of Volunteer Work as “work,” when one thinks of it in this manner, it puts it at the same level of importance as “Market Work.” There are many in our communities who would not be served if there weren’t volunteers who give their time and talents to meet those needs.
While there are many possible examples of “Positive Change in Work, Life, and Family,” I will mention only one. Too often we compartmentalize our life, paying too much attention to one part of our life while ignoring the other parts. At times, this is normal and good. An example is when children are small, many families choose (when the choice is possible) for someone to be home doing full-time family work. Another example is in retirement when Volunteer Work is a major priority for some people. These choices should not be judged good or bad if they meet the needs of the people involved, even when their choices or circumstances aren’t ours.
It is too easy, however, for us to remain in the places we have been, to fail to change when change is warranted, even when staying in place is no longer necessary or even good. For example, when children are of the ages that we do not need to be doing Family Work full-time, we lose something for ourselves when we fail to change. We also can create unhealthy dependency in the children, and possibly become “helicopter parents.” While our priority has been Family Work, it can now become Market Work, Volunteer Work, or a combination of the two or all three types of work. Thinking about work this way can broaden our opportunities and stimulate our minds.
If we fail to change as our circumstances change, we too often become less than we can otherwise be, and we can fail to fulfill our purpose.
What change do you want to see in the world? What will you change about yourself to be a part of it?
I was speaking with a new friend recently about her career. She had recently retired and was sharing her experience. While she did not give any details, she made the statement that “the hardest thing about working is the coworkers!” I have heard this so many times over the years that I decided the subject is worthy of a blog. I decided to broaden the subject to “getting along well with others.”
One of the richest experiences we have in life are our relationships. We spend so much time with others at work and in our personal lives that we need to know how to make our relationships with others positive, not negative. Just like many things we talk about in my blogs, this is not easy to do.
There are many different types of people and personalities. It is easier to get along well with those who are like us. When we have differences, be they perspective, personality, age, gender, life experiences, and many other differences, it is harder to get along well with others. This is especially true when we think we are right and the other person is wrong, and we even tell them so! When we add to this the control issues that are sometimes involved, we have situations that too often end up with misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Some of the differences we have with others are easy to observe, such as gender, and others are more hidden, such as experiences and perspectives. When we assume the other person is like us, our assumptions can cause us difficulties. When we communicate with others from our dominant communication style, we can create even more difficulties. While it is not always easy to determine another’s experiences and perspectives, we can communicate with others in a manner that can build relationships.
This is a big subject, impossible to fully explore in this blog. So, I will give a few helpful points that can help us stay out of trouble with others. Note that I say, “can help us stay out of trouble with others.” There are no guarantees. Regardless of what we say and do, there are some people with whom nothing we do will work. Those are the people we should avoid being around, when possible.
Getting along well with others, especially those who are not like us, requires that we figure out a few things about them, without being obvious about it. For example, is the other person a direct communicator, or an indirect communicator? Regardless of which one of these we are, we should communicate with the other person in their style, not ours. A direct communicator uses less words, gets to the bottom line quickly, and does not “soften” what they say. One who is more indirect in their style uses qualifiers, which often “soften” what is being said. “It seems like” is an example of a qualifier phrase, as is “In my experience.” Qualifier words include “perhaps,” “maybe,” and “sometimes.” We can understand the other person’s style by asking a question such as, “What has been your experience with this?” If the answer is definitive, the style may be direct, not indirect. If the style is more indirect, we should respond in kind. If we are too direct with an indirect person, they may react, either overtly or covertly.
Words to use that are best to use to draw out the opinion of others are “what” and “how.” We should avoid using the word “why,” since this word can create a situation in which the other person feels put on the spot. We can get the same information by using “what” and “how.” Also, determine if the other person is more open, or more reserved in their communication style. People who are more open volunteer their thoughts and opinions. Those who are more reserved often wait for the other person to initiate conversation.
One other tip. To get along well with others, ask more questions and make less statements. The type of questions that are best are those that draw out the opinion of the other person, without being too direct. Questions such as “What has been your experience with this?” That is a better question to ask than “What do you think about…….?” While this is a subtle difference, it is an important one.
Communication is our most valuable asset in getting along well with others. We will not always get it right. Using these few pointers can help us to be more effective when working and living with others.
I was looking for a particular color of nail polish, which I never found. But I found so much more. Even I was shocked at the duplicates and multiples I discovered in my search for that one color of nail polish. I found at least ten (probably more; I didn’t count them) tubes of mascara, all at least 1.5 years old. How do I know how old they are? Simply because they were under the sink and were put there when we downsized and moved into our current home. They had been packed up in the move since I did not have time to go through them then. And although I have gone through many more boxes and things since the move, make-up under the bathroom sink had not yet been a priority.
There were also many unopened skincare and make-up packets given to me by my favorite make-up saleswoman. Of course, most of them are also at least 1.5 years old. Many are duplicates, and some of the items I do not even use. An example of one I do not use is neck cream. While I am sure that if I used the neck cream my neck would look better, but taking the time to apply the neck cream is something I do not do.
One discovery that I was glad to find are multiple eyebrow brushes. I was needing to purchase a new eyebrow pencil until I found at least eight to ten perfectly good ones. I know what some of you are thinking. I realize that any make-up more than six months old (and some “experts” recommend three months old) should be thrown away. But I have never done that. Do you?
With less stuff to try to keep organized, there will be more time for this.
I should probably not even go through all of the stuff; I should just throw all of it out without even being tempted to keep any of it. And I may do that. I left those piles to be dealt with later when I return from a trip I am taking later today. I am seriously considering just trashing all of it. But not before I deal with the lessons all of that may be sent to teach me.
I want to be this peaceful.
The dominant message this mess is teaching me is how much money I have wasted through the years by buying more of what I already have, but don’t know that I have. Another message is that although I spend a lot of time organizing my stuff, there is more to organize than I have time to keep up with. That means that I have too much. While that is not really news to me, I do not think I was aware of how much stuff in many different categories I have, so much stuff that at times like this I feel like it is choking me.
I am making a moratorium on purchasing any new makeup or skin care products through the rest of this year. So, for at least six months I will not purchase any. I have plenty, even with throwing all of what I just discovered out. This reminds me of my year of no spending. (2006.) I need to go back and read my book again!
I have decided to throw all of that stuff I just found under my bathroom sink out, except for a couple of the eyebrow brushes. I will throw out all of the mascara since I do not want to risk using anything that close to my eyes that is that old. I am not concerned about the eyebrow brushes, although I will pay attention to my eyebrows, and make sure they remain healthy, at least what is left of them! I am not going to even go through the unopened packets so I won’t be tempted to keep any of it.
I have tried to stuff many of the same contents I had in an almost five thousand square foot house into a less than two thousand square foot house. It has not worked. So, I still have some hard decisions to make.
Enough about me. How about you? Do you have any of these challenges?
It's In The Sauce! 