The Second Half of 2023 is Upon Us!

Posted on June 29, 2023 by Patti Fralix

When July comes each year, it seems that the year is almost over. In reality, when July comes, the year is half over. And the half that just passed seems like the longer of the two halves. While we still have plenty of summer left, once September comes, several major holidays are on its heels, and time truly does fly. So even though you are still summering, give yourself some deadlines to accomplish what you decided in January you would accomplish, so 2023 can be all that you want it to be.

A healthy and nutritious meal.

In January of each year, most people make resolutions, which I prefer to call commitments. Some people want to get healthier by losing weight, exercising more, and drinking less alcohol. If this is you, how is it going? Did you make a plan and stick with it? Or has life gotten in the way, and you are way behind? Well, the good news is you still have time to accomplish what you want to accomplish in these areas. But not too much time, for once Thanksgiving and Christmas come, it is very hard to do more than maintain our weight, and exercise too often falls by the wayside. As for reducing or eliminating alcohol consumption, that can be difficult as well. Holidays with some of our testy relatives can drive us to drink! So, it is easier to get these areas in control when our lives can be calmer during the relaxing days of the summer. Then we can focus on maintaining our weight and related areas during the rest of the year.

Let’s just move forward instead of “woulda, coulda, shouda” thinking.
Iced tea has replaced alcohol for me for the past 4 years. 

Another area many people set goals and make resolutions in is financial matters. Spending less, living on a budget, and saving money are three areas of focus for some people. As hard as weight control and exercising consistently can be, managing our money may be even harder. I know it is for me. So, this is one of my commitments for 2023. And I have not done as well with this as I wanted to or planned to. So, July 1 is my restart date. I have six months to get my finances under better control, and I am recommitting to myself in this area. I will give you an update in mid-December. Between now and then I am going to do what my husband Mike implied I needed to do many years ago when he asked me, “When are you going to stop reading those books and do something about this?!” I have all of the information I need about financial management; it is now time to put action behind the words, live within a budget, save more, and spend less. This half of the year is not the easiest half for this focus, with Christmas and other holidays in the mix, but it is my problem that I have waited, so I will now work the plan. If you are joining me with financial management as a focus, I wish us both well on this journey. It will not be fun, but we will be so proud at the end of the next six months if we keep this commitment.

You decide what your last 3 items are!

Another area of resolutions for some people is organizing and decluttering. I have made lots of progress in these areas. Our move from a larger home to one less than half of its size has helped a lot with this commitment. But while I have made progress in this area, I still have some work to do to be where I want to be. My focus for the last half of 2023 is to reduce multiples in many areas, including kitchen utensils, dishes, and glassware. Then there is the massive amount of Christmas decorations and ornaments for the five Christmas trees we had in previous years that need to be drastically reduced. We have two large Christmas ornament collections; White House ornaments and family-personalized ornaments. These alone will decorate one Christmas tree. The bags and boxes of the others will need to be given away, sold, or donated. It tires me to even think of this since I have a very hard time letting go of stuff, even when I have no room for it. Wish me well with this one, and I will let you know how it goes.

Enough said.

How is it going for you in keeping your commitments to yourself for 2023? You may have done well; if so, celebrate. You can relax a little, and work on maintaining your progress. Or, you may have a way to go to be where you want to be. If so, just get started, or re-started. One step at a time, one day at a time. Approached this way, you will be amazed at how much can be accomplished.

Granddaughter Virginia (VA) is now 11 years old as of 6/27! Where did the years go?

After all, there are six months left in 2023! Think of it that way, looking at the glass half-full instead of half-empty. I wish you much success as you focus on your commitments to yourself. You deserve to get to the place you want to be in your identified growth areas. Make it Happen!

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Most People Are Doing the Best They Can!

Posted on June 22, 2023 by Patti Fralix
In myself most of all!

This thought came to me today as I was feeling disappointed in someone. I remembered a very good friend, in fact, one of my BFFs, who told me a story many years ago about her husband, who was also a very close friend of mine. He is gone now, having passed away in 2012. Those who loved him still miss him immensely. As Judy tells the story, her yard work helper replied to her fussing about her husband Bryan, and said, “Miss Judy, Mr. Bryan is doing da best he can, da best he can, Miss Judy!” If you could hear the dialect in which this was spoken, you would understand how precious this statement was! I have thought of that comment many times, and today was one of those. It helps me to understand others when I am feeling disappointed.

Are you ever disappointed in others? Do you sometimes feel that you are not getting the understanding or support (whatever that is to you) from some close friends or family members? Do you sometimes think other people are not reaching out to you in ways you need them to?

Belief in oneself is so important.

I do. One of those times was today. And just when I was about to wallow around in my pity party, that comment about “Mr. Bryan doing da best he can!” came to mind.  Then I realized that most of us are doing the best we can. Even when we disappoint others, we are usually still doing the best we can. If we could do better, we would. Of course, there are some people who are so selfish or so self-absorbed that they fail to reach out to others when they could or should, but I do not believe that this is the majority of people.

I know that some of my expectations are not realistic. The bar is high with me. Even though I know this, I still end up being disappointed too often. If most people are doing the best they can, and my needs or expectations are not being met, I need to change, not the other people; me. What can I change, or should I change?

I can change my perspective on the situations. I can be grateful for what I do receive from others, focusing on the positive. Or I can change my expectations, which is an adult thing to do if I am disappointed in others very often. My expectations may not be realistic. I can realize that others are doing the best that they can and that if they could do more or better, they would.

There is one other option. I can change my friends. This is not as easy if it is family, although we can distance ourselves from family and minimize their impact on us. This is the more drastic choice, and should not be chosen lightly. But it may be a choice that some make, especially if one thinks they have more invested in the relationship than the return warrants. But before we choose this option, we need to be very sure we are willing to let the relationship go. Relationships matter and should be protected at all costs, when possible.

Powerful.

Are we willing to admit that sometimes we have unrealistic expectations of others? Are we able to admit that sometimes our perspective is not the correct one? Are we willing to admit that we may be the one who needs to change?

Are we able to accept that most people are doing the best they can?

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How Much Do We Really Need?

Posted on June 17, 2023 by Patti Fralix
I did get rid of a lot of stuff prior to moving, but not enough!

As many of you know, Mike and I recently moved out of the home we built and lived in for almost 35 years. We downsized, into a house less than one-half of the size of the home we left. (The use of the words “house” and “home” is intentional.) For the past almost six months, I have been trying to figure out how to make this house home. It has not been easy, and that is not just because of our new house’s size.

Our rental house was not intended to be our next forever home; it is a transition home. Even so, even if I am living in it only a year to two years, I have to make it mine. And please understand my use of the words “I” and “mine” instead of “we” and “our.” Mike is not as concerned about his surroundings at the same level as I am. As long as he has his recliner, and he does, that is about all he needs!

One of our hotel stays was in Hendersonville, NC. where we visited with Mum Rosie, who is 90 years young.

I have written about this life change most likely enough since we made the change in January, so this post isn’t really about our move and the differences. It is about a recent experience with hotels, an experience that reinforces some of what I have experienced with our move. 

Mike and I were traveling in different North Carolina towns recently and needed a hotel room in two different areas. While I prefer more upscale hotels or resorts, when we travel, we often stay in moderately priced properties, and use our hotel points. I have found significant differences in these hotels. These differences relate to the amenities which directly correspond to the cost. 

There are different ways that hotels are “graded,” one of which is a star system. 5-star hotels are upscale, and the fewer stars a hotel has, the more of a “budget” hotel it is. On this trip, we stayed in a Hampton Inn in one location and a Tru in another, both of which are Hilton properties. Hilton grades their properties very definitively, stating that Hampton Inns are Upper-Midscale, which surprises me that the grading is that high, and Tru as midscale. Tru is described by Hilton as “back-to-basics with soul.”

These window treatments that were in an office at our previous home are now in our kitchen. 

While we have stayed in Hampton Inns many times, this was the first (possibly the second) time we have ever stayed in a Tru hotel. Hilton gives Hampton Inn a higher score than Tru, and I can see the justification for that higher score. Although the amenities of the two hotels are similar, there are some noticeable differences, especially within the rooms themselves.

Both of these hotels provide a free hot breakfast. Both have a fitness room. Both hotels have free Wi-Fi. This is where the similarities end.

While both hotel rooms had an in-room refrigerator, only the Hampton Inn had an in-room microwave. Hampton had coffee in the room; Tru did not. Hampton had dresser drawers and a clothes closet, while Tru had a hanging rod for clothes and no dresser drawers. While Tru looks more modern, Hampton looks more “complete.” The differences extend to the bathrooms, where Tru soap and lotion are in dispensers at the sink instead of in individual containers, and the same is true of soap, shampoo, and conditioner in the shower.

The room at Tru was very small, while the Hampton Inn room was much larger. Other than the bed, the furniture in Tru is, or at least appears to be, particle board and metal, with a cheaper although more updated IKEA-like look. The included hot breakfast was about the same, although the Hampton Inn had a few more choices, such as muffins.

This window treatment was in our master bath at our previous home and is now in a guest room. 

What did I learn about the hotel experience that relates to our house/home differences? There are several “take-aways.” Some of these relate to the difference in needs and wants, and I am very clear about the difference between these two.

I have known for many years that I have a need for beauty. It is a need, not a want. I need my physical surroundings to be aesthetically pleasing. Hampton Inn does not meet this need, nor does Tru. Tru does come closer in the lobby area, which is updated, has bright colors, and a “mod” aesthetic, which is not usually my aesthetic. I lean more to traditional. Although the Hampton Inns that I have stayed in are more traditional, they are also usually dated and dark. In the rooms, while Tru is brighter and more updated, it is also too “pared-down” and lacks some amenities I enjoy, such as an in-room microwave to heat my coffee.

Mike and I prefer space and lots of it. This is a want, not a need. Our current house experience has proven this to me. While I have loved our spacious house with many rooms that we left in January, I have been comfortable enough in our main living area in our rental house. I miss not having ample closet space, and I prefer more space in bedrooms than we have, but this is a want, not a need. There are three bedrooms and three bathrooms as well as a bonus room, so there is enough space overall. We have converted the sunroom to a dining room, which meets my need for gathering friends and family for meals, although certainly not at the level we had when we could host 65 people for sit-down Thanksgiving meals!

Although there wasn’t any blue in our rental house, there is now! 

A need that I had to meet in the rental house is having window treatments. The house looked too bare and sparse without them. So, I repurposed some I took from our home we sold and had some made. Yes, I spent some money I may not recover, but living in the house for even only a year if that’s what turns out to be required for aesthetically pleasing windows.

There is one need not met in the rental house, and it probably will not be. I am a blue person, and there is no blue anywhere. I do not like browns, and there are brown granite countertops in the kitchen and bathrooms. While I have gotten somewhat used to this and find it does not bother me quite as much, I do not feel content.

One of our hotels was in Greensboro, NC where we went to see our neice Alison’s son, Ethan, play in a baseball tournament. Ethan’s team did great, advancing to the championship game.

Back to the recent hotel experience and its connection to our house/home experience. This has reaffirmed my want, although not need, for space. I do prefer a microwave to heat my coffee, although I suppose it is not a need, but a want. (Although it is probably the #1 reason I will not stay at a Tru Hotel again!) I do have a need for half-and-half for my coffee, and both hotels had this, thankfully.  I prefer light and bright over dark and dated, and this may be closer to a need than a want. I have often said that living with a depressed mother (sorry, Mom!) is the reason I need lots of windows and bright colors!

This hotel experience has been research that has reaffirmed some of my preferences, some wants, and some needs. It has made me recognize the importance of thoughtful consideration of my space. I want to continue this research approach while we are deciding whether to stay where we are in the rental house longer than the current lease or begin to look for our next move.

It has also reaffirmed that when having a choice, I prefer Ritz-Carltons, although I don’t think they have in-room microwaves!

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Saying Goodbye to an Old Friend

Posted on June 6, 2023 by Patti Fralix
Sign on the door the last day.

May 26, 2023, marked the end of an era. While we had known for several months that the end was coming, we were still not prepared for it. We thought we were since we and many others had been lamenting about it and preparing for it. But when the day finally came, it was almost overwhelming. The end of an era I am referring to is the closing of our favorite watering hole for twenty-three years, Sawmill Tap Room.

Another loyal patron’s sentiments.

SM, as we often referred to it as a shortened version in texts, etc. was our local Cheers. It was where we went on average once a week when we were in town. It was where the servers knew your preferred drink (half and half iced tea for me!) and brought it to you when you sat down. It was where you could always expect great service, good to great food, and a homey atmosphere. It was where you could sit in the bar or dining room and watch your favorite sports or sit on the deck when weather permitted. If you sat in the dining room, you would share the space with many kids, as full sports teams met and ate there, as well as elderly couples who might come several times a week. The prices were reasonable, the portions were ample, and the quality was predictable.

One of our family’s last Thanksgivings’ 1st night gathering at Sawmill; 2019. Uncle Barry, far right, and Sawmill are both now gone and greatly missed.

Mike and I were at Sawmill the first day it opened. We knew (some of) the owners from their time at another local restaurant, 42nd Street Oyster Bar, and wanted to support them. That was not hard to do, since SM became our favorite local casual restaurant, for reasons noted above. Through the years they became family. On May 26th, we hugged them and many other regulars as we said our goodbyes, shared our appreciation for them, and went down memory lane. Although many of us hope there will be another restaurant in their future, there is no guarantee of that at this point, and even if there is, there will never be another Sawmill. It is impossible to recreate Sawmill.

What creates loyalty at this level for a business? As one who speaks and consults on customer service, I have thought of this question many times, and have written about SM as an example of exceptional service. While Sawmill has not been error free for twenty-three years, more often than not they have delivered exactly what they promised: good food, reasonable prices, and a fun atmosphere. Because of that, when the occasional blips occurred, it was easy to forgive the lapse and keep on going back.

This sign was on the incoming door at Sawmill after COVID. While Sawmill staff gave great service, management expected their staff to be treated well by customers. 

I believe one of the reasons for Sawmill’s success is the presence of the owners. This was a family business, with three brothers working in the business at one point, and other family members as well. There was usually one of the owners present, especially during busy hours, although they could not always be seen since they were in the kitchen!

Another success variable was who they hired, how they trained them to a consistent level of service, and how they led and managed them. Most of the staff were young and had their training not been consistent, it would have been easy for them to make their own assumptions about good service, and just as likely their assumptions about service could have been wrong. Sawmill management did not leave this important process to chance. They hired those who could and would serve, trained them in the Sawmill way of service, and led and managed them well.

The 23 years of Sawmill Tap Room flew by, and we are thankful for the many moments enjoyed there. 

Why is Sawmill no longer in business? That is a question that only the owners of the building, who are not the owners of the business, know the answer to. After twenty-three years, Sawmill’s lease was not renewed, and no answer to “why” was given.

Goodbye, Sawmill. You have been a good and loyal friend for many years. We love you and miss you.                            

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The Land of the Free Because of the Brave

Posted on June 1, 2023 by Patti Fralix
We should never forget.

As a very divided country, there isn’t much that Americans agree on. But I think it is fair to say that most Americans agree that we have our freedoms because of the sacrifices made by those who fought for those freedoms, many who made the ultimate sacrifice for them. We celebrate those brave men and women each year on Memorial Day. While many also enjoy the first long holiday weekend of the summer season, Memorial Day, is first of all, about celebrating the bravery of those who made our freedoms possible. On this, we stand united.

I wonder if we will always remember the sacrifices of our military. It is possible that next generations will lose sight of this history, for we do not have the same focus on the military that we once had. While many have watched the war between Russia and Ukraine, grieving over the devastation to Ukraine, we are still somewhat removed from this war. While we can sympathize, most cannot empathize, having not lived through a physical war on our land. We can, however, grieve with those suffering the injustices of war, and be grateful that these injustices are not a reality of our current lives.

One more thing we can do. We can keep the memory of those who made the ultimate sacrifice defending our freedoms alive, not allowing the passing of time to dull our memories. We can talk to our children about our ancestors who fought in wars through the years, making sure they know them, and about the wars. We can reinforce our country’s value of freedom and connect that to the choices we are making today, or the choices we are failing to make. Connecting our current reality to our past, to the good, and to the not-so-good, can keep our history alive.

We should never forget that we are the Land of the Free Because of the Brave.     

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Time in a Bottle

Posted on May 26, 2023 by Patti Fralix
Mary Grace, 2023 Summa Cum Laude graduate from Camden County High School, surrounded by her proud family; dad Stephen, sisters Virginia and Elsie, and Mom Tara. 

You know the song, “If I Could Save Time in a Bottle.” One of my favorite lines in the song is, “But there never seems to be enough time, to do the things you want to do once you find them.” This time of the year this sentiment is even more true. With graduations, weddings, and other family celebrations in full swing, we become very aware of the passing of time.

Mary Grace with cousins (L to R) Autumn and Bridget.

Watching granddaughter Mary Grace graduate from high school last weekend was bittersweet. While I am certainly proud of her accomplishments, I was not really ready for this. I remember, as if it were yesterday, Mary Grace as a toddler standing at her glass door crying as she watched me leave. These years have passed at lightning speed. I can only imagine how quickly the next few years will pass. I hope to be healthy enough to enjoy each upcoming transition. (It goes without saying that I hope to live long enough to do so!)

Sitting in our home looking at photos of Mary Grace and our other grandchildren through various stages reminds me of how fast time and life pass. While Mary Grace is now a high school graduate soon to leave home to attend the University of Georgia, our youngest grandchild, Hayden, will be a year old this summer. And our precious other grandchildren are growing by leaps and bounds also.

Our youngest grandchildren, 9 month-old Hayden and five-year-old Drew. 

We can’t slow time down, but we can prepare for how our life changes as we and our loved ones age. Mike and I have settled into our new (transition) home. While the move from our home that we built almost thirty-five years ago into a much smaller and very different home has not been an easy transition, we made the move that we needed to make. This home is much easier to manage, and it is exactly what we need at this point in time. We do not yet have a longer-term plan, and I do not want to rush that decision. I am confident that we will have a clear picture of that when it is time. While I would like to be able to see further ahead than I am able to, I am learning to live with ambiguity.

Most of the family present for Mary Grace’s graduation party. 

Looking back and yearning for what we left behind is tempting, but it isn’t productive. Looking ahead and wanting all the answers to our future is also tempting, but no more productive than looking back. What is best is to learn to be content with whatever stage we are in, to live in the present, being grateful for our blessings. As apostle Paul, who said in Philippians 4:11-12, “I have learned, in whatever circumstances I am, to be content.”

Being content is a choice. It isn’t always easy. But it is a choice that can help us to weather life’s ups and downs. When we focus more on what we have than what we had, and what we can do more than what we can’t, we can find the joy that might otherwise escape us.

I choose to be thankful for everyday blessings, wherever I find them. I hope that you are able to do so also.           

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Transitions and Celebrations

Posted on May 18, 2023 by Patti Fralix
Granddaughter Mary Grace Kinney, graduating 5/19/23 from Camden County High School.

This is a busy time for many. Mother’s Day just passed, and graduations are all around. Celebrations are in order. I hope that this is a happy time for you. But it isn’t a happy time for everyone. These transitions find some enjoying the passage of time, and some lamenting it. I hope that you are in the former category.

Just a few short years ago; 2012. Mary Grace holding Virginia with Elsie on the right. 

Mother’s Day is a day that mothers and mother surrogates are celebrated. Many people spent last weekend honoring these important women in their lives. Restaurants were full on Sunday, with families celebrating with their loved ones. But not everyone did, for there are some mother relationships that are troubled. Estrangement from one’s mother is one of the most difficult situations. If you are in this category, I hope that you have been kind to yourself, and did whatever it took to get through all of the Mother’s Day hoopla.

St. Marys Elementary School has the sweetest tradition, the Graduation Walk. Seniors who graduated from 5th grade there are invited back for the Graduation Walk with this year’s 5th grade graduates. 

Then there are those who mourn their mothers who are no longer physically present. Mother’s Day brings that loss into full focus. If you still have the gift of having your mother fully present, and you have a good relationship with her, treasure that, and never take it for granted.

Other celebrations that many are having this month, even this week, are graduations. One of our most important transitions is high school and college graduations. This week our family is celebrating the high school graduation of our oldest grandchild, granddaughter Mary Grace. It was only a few short years ago that Mary Grace graced our lives, and now she is graduating from high school. Where have the years gone?

Mary Grace in the St. Marys Elementary School Graduation Walk.

Mike and I are in St. Marys, GA, attending several pre-graduation events. On Tuesday night we celebrated Mary Grace at the Scholarship Night program at Camden County High School.  Mary Grace was honored as a Summa Cum Laude, which is the highest honor given. She also received a scholarship from the Southeast Georgia Bulldawg Club. We are so proud of Mary Grace and her achievements.

Wednesday night was the Baccalaureate service honoring the Camden County, GA class of 2023. This service is a nondenominational church service honoring the graduates.

Graduate Mary Grace, mom Tara, sisters (L) Virginia and (far right) Elsie, and dad Stephen. 

Then the big event, the high school graduation ceremony, occurs Friday night, May 19th, when the graduates are officially launched from high school into their next steps. For some, like Mary Grace, the next step is college. Mary Grace will follow in her parents’ footsteps to the University of Georgia. I tried my best to get Mary Grace interested in my alma mater, the University of Virginia, but the UGA legacy was too strong of a pull.   

On the wall in a hallway at St. Marys Elementary School. What a wonderful message!

Saturday, May 20th, family and friends will join Mary Grace for a graduation party, the culmination of graduation week’s festivities. Her party is a poolside party, so good weather will certainly be appreciated.

Transitions. Life is full of them, but none is more important than those that take us from childhood into adulthood. High school graduation is an important time in the life of families. Congratulations to Mary Grace, and congratulations to all the graduates. May your lives be filled with purpose, peace, and joy.

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Life Without Alcohol

Posted on May 10, 2023 by Patti Fralix
I have replaced alcohol with Cappuccino! 

May 7, 2023, was the 4 year anniversary of my life without alcohol. I have learned a lot in these 4 years, about myself, and about life without alcohol. Perhaps my lessons can be of benefit to someone else.

On May 7, 2019, I decided to stop drinking alcohol. I made the decision mainly to lose weight. While I had been trying to lose weight for a while, I had refused to give up alcohol as one way to do that. Many times I said, “I am not giving up my Chardonnay!” Chardonnay was my alcohol of choice. While I had an occasional Appletini or Lemon Drop Martini, and a few other drinks on occasion, Chardonnay was definitely my drink of choice. I knew I was drinking too much, although it was rare for that to be obvious to others. I rarely drank before 5pm, except for an occasional glass of wine when out to lunch. But I had gotten into the habit of more glasses of Chardonnay in the evenings than I knew were good for me.

I do not have a clear picture of why on that day, May 7, 2019, I made the decision to stop drinking alcohol, or even more importantly, once I made the decision, how I was able to stick with it. Yes, I wanted to lose weight, and that was all I really had not yet tried to accomplish. But I do not know why then, when I had not done so previously. And I have no idea why I was able to be successful. But I was. For that, I am so very grateful.

When I decided to stop drinking alcohol, I did not determine how long this decision would last. I did not decide at that point to stop drinking alcohol completely, for forever. As I have lived with this choice, it became clear to me that not drinking alcohol again was the best decision for me.

I did lose the weight I wanted to lose, actually, I lost more than I planned to lose, 57 pounds. I do not think that eliminating alcohol from my life was the change that made this happen. I also got serious about Weight Watchers and worked that plan, and that is the key to the weight loss. However, I do believe that not drinking alcohol certainly eliminated unnecessary calories from my diet.

This sign is on the wall at the Weight Watchers studio where I attend meetings. 

Without alcohol I sleep better, feel better physically, and feel better about myself. Having grown up with an alcoholic mother, and having many other alcoholic family members, I knew I needed to be careful with alcohol. I knew the fact that I would drink more than I knew I should at times meant I had a tendency toward alcohol abuse. While I had been able to keep my alcohol consumption in check most of the time, I knew that could change at any time, and why take that risk? I knew there was nothing good about alcohol, other than the socialization aspect, and I decided that alone was not a good enough reason to risk having a larger problem with it. Stopping completely was the absolute best decision for me. The longer I was without alcohol the clearer it became to me that this should be a lifetime plan.

I still go to bars with my husband and others, and restaurants where others are drinking alcohol. While I still go and usually drink half and half iced tea while others are drinking alcohol, I do not enjoy those outings. But I am clear that my plan does not have to be anyone else’s, and that if others I care about are drinking and I am not and I want to be with them, then my choice is clear. I do not expect others to not drink because I am not. We all have to make our own decisions about our choices, and alcohol is only one of those.

I am so glad that I do not have to worry if I should really be driving after having wine with dinner. I am glad that I am always available as a DD, and usually insist on driving if others I have been with have had more than one alcoholic drink, even when I am told, “I am fine to drive!” Why take the risk when it isn’t necessary?

I would be less than honest if I failed to admit that I miss Chardonnay and the socializing aspect of drinking with others. I do get lonely at times and feel left out when others are drinking and I am nursing my iced tea. But I do not miss behaving like some of those people behave when they have had too much alcohol. And I do not miss wondering some mornings if I said or did anything to embarrass myself. If I have those concerns now, alcohol is not to blame!

If you wonder if alcohol is something you should consider giving up, it probably is. Think about it, why should we continue to put something into our bodies that has no redeeming value? Is socializing with others around alcohol really worth alcohol’s negative effects?

Not for me. And maybe not for you. But you will have to make your own decision about that. I made my decision, and I am so glad that I did.

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Focus

Posted on May 4, 2023 by Patti Fralix

What should we do when there is too much to do, or even maybe not enough to do? These are the times when it is important to Focus. Instead of focusing, we sometimes find ourselves jumping from activity to activity or chore to chore and do not feel that we have accomplished anything. If you accept the premise that Focus can help us be more effective, perhaps you wonder how to Focus.

As a business and life coach, I have been helping others (and myself!) be most effective for many years, thirty years, to be exact. That amazes even me! The structure I use for this is classic goal setting, which is nothing more than setting priorities. These are time sensitive, meaning, there are time frames established for the goals. For the purpose of illustration, I am going to use an abbreviated goal-setting process for this discussion. If you and I were engaged in a one-on-one goal-setting process, it would be more involved than this, but an abbreviated process will illustrate the points I am making regarding Focus.

These Daylilies by our front walk are a wonderful surprise!

I am going to use three Goals Categories for this: Personal, Family, and Financial. Each of these three categories can be subdivided into sub-categories that are involved in the larger category. An illustration will make this clear.

The thinking represented on this sign is why I am still trying to find places in our new home for things I never needed and bought anyway. 

In the Personal category, one could have the following sub-categories: Mental Health, Emotional Health, and Physical Health. In the Family category, one could have these sub-categories: Spouse, Children, and Extended Family. In the Financial category, one could have these sub-categories: Budget, Income, and Expenses.

Grandson Drew cut these Daylilies for our dinner table.
They were out for a stroll and so was I! 

Before beginning to set goals in each of the categories, it is helpful to do an assessment. For example, on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being poor and 10 being great, determine your current Mental Health, Emotional Health, and Physical Health. This information can help us focus. If our Mental Health and Emotional Health are 9 or 10 and our Physical Health is 4, we may want to focus most on our physical health in this category. The same is true for our Family category. If our Children and Extended Family categories have healthy numbers and our Spouse category doesn’t, our Focus could best be on our Spouse. In the Financial category, if our Income and Expenses are not in line, our budget will likely be off. Focusing on increasing income and reducing expenses might be time well spent.

Regarding the “time-sensitive” part of this process, we need to establish timelines for each of our goals. They should be long-term and short-term, in that order. If we focus too much on our short-term goals and fail to connect those to our long-term goals, we will probably not reach our long-term goals. For example, if one of my long-term goals in the financial category is to increase my income by $50,000 by the end of 2023, (8 months, for the purpose of this example) then my short-term goals will need to be directed to increasing income by $6250/monthly. This is a stretch goal for most of us, but it is doable if we get another job, sell valuables, or find another outlet to increase that money consistently. This is not easy to do, but it is easier if there is a definite goal, a reasonable timeline, and activities directed to the accomplishment of the goals.

Most of us have more to get done in a day than we are able to get done. But we are most effective if we set clear goals (priorities,) with reasonable timelines. We will get something done every day. The question is, are we getting done the things that are most important to us?

When we Focus, we are most effective.

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Don’t Postpone Joy

Posted on April 28, 2023 by Patti Fralix
Flowers bring me joy!

I suppose it is my age, but I find myself attending funerals lately. While life expectancy is not directly related to age, when we get into our 70’s, (I am 71) odds are that we will lose family and friends. I just returned from the funeral of a friend’s husband. He was 73 years young and lived a full life, but not a long enough life. While I have a friend who often says that she does not want to live to be old, what she really means is that she does not want to suffer. I believe most of us want to live a long life. And how old is that? Well, it depends.

Brunch at friend Phyllis Renfroe’s home in Morehead City, enjoyed by (front to back) friends Nancy Barber, Judy Barnes, Phyllis Renfroe, and Judy Boone. A lovely dinner was enjoyed on Nancy’s porch in Morehead, but I failed to get photos! 

I do not want this to be morbid. In fact, this post is not really about death, it is about life. It is about living a full life, more than living a long life. Even so, I can’t just forget that the one whose funeral I attended earlier today no longer has the choices those of us writing and reading this have. We have the choice to live a life of joy. While I believe he lived a joyful and full life, he has now passed, leaving his family and friends to treasure his memory and the memories they shared with him. The rest of us still have time, although we do not know how much time. But whatever time there is, there is time to live a joyful life.

Daughter Chatham prepared a delicious meal for us of Shepherd’s Pie, Roasted Broccoli, Brussel Sprouts with Maple Vinaigrette, and Braised Carrots. Notice Drew’s penguin on the right! 

What is a joyful life? We each have our own definition of that. Most of us would list loving family and friends as bringing us joy, although this is not true for everyone. Some people do not have close connections and spend more time with their devices and the TV than they do with living friends. And I am not referring to social connections as living friends. If you are in this category, make yourself get outside of yourself and develop good connections with others. It was obvious from the packed church at Ben Anderson’s funeral that he had good connections. There has been a significant decline in people attending funerals, so when there is a packed church, and the person wasn’t famous or necessarily powerful, you know the person was loved. Ben Anderson was loved.  

A lovely family birthday dinner celebrating grand matriarch Kathy Monahan, surrounded by her children, (L to R) Dan, Bryan, and Mary.

Many of us, especially those still engaged in work, would list meaningful work as bringing us joy. But this is a different kind of joy, not the kind that keeps you warm at night. Meaningful work can bring us many good things, but not the joy that comes from meaningful connections with others. Those who have only work to fulfill them find days and nights empty once that work is gone.  

Daughter Tara and oldest granddaughter, Mary Grace, at a recent dance production in which Mary Grace was co-choreographer.

Other than meaningful connections, what else brings us joy? That varies. Some find joy in helping others. Some find joy in travel. Some find joy at the beach or lake, some in reading, some in learning. Whatever brings us joy, we should take responsibility to make sure we have enough of that in our lives to fulfill us. For there will come a time when we are no longer physically or otherwise able to enjoy what brings us joy.

Our Beaufort weekend hosts, Tommy and Judy Boone (top L and bottom R) and Dana and Martin Sceeny (top R and bottom L) who hosted (along with others) a delicious meal. 

Mike and I had a joy-filled weekend recently visiting with friends we have known for forty years. We ate wonderful food, played cards (Hand and Foot,) went out in their beautiful boat, visited, and just talked. The TV was not turned on at all. We also did not waste time on our devices. Our time together catching up was too important.

Love brings Joy more than anything else!

While with our friends we were talking about traveling, which we all do a lot of. One of our friends made the comment, “I imagine that I have about ten good years left.” I have said the same thing. Think about that, only ten good years. What we mean by that is that just due to age alone, in ten years we may not be mobile enough to do the things we can do today, to enjoy traveling, boating, even entertaining friends. We do not take this time for granted.

How about you? What brings you joy? Are you making time for joy? If not, why not? And when?

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