This blog was initially to be a call to action for managers. The reason for this is that I have heard too many stories lately of intimidating managers making inappropriate comments to staff. Comments that belittle staff and place them in uncomfortable positions. I will write a longer blog on exactly that at some point, but I decided to shift the focus in this blog somewhat and speak to all of us, for we can make inappropriate comments without even meaning to. Some of those comments are not just inappropriate, they are hurtful. We should all be careful about how we say what we say and stay in our own lane. You might ask, “What exactly does staying in our own lane mean?”
What we say and do in relationship with others matters a lot!
Staying in our own lane first of all means to mind our own business. I know you have heard what is often said, “If you aren’t involved, stay out of it.” Also, “If you aren’t part of the solution, don’t be part of the problem.” One of the problems with this is that some people love to meddle, and keep things stirred up. Others can try to drag us into things that we have no business getting into. We need to be smarter and better than getting caught up in that.
While this is true, it is not a license to offend others.
One way for us to stay out of trouble is to remember our role. For example, as a Nana who loves her grandchildren, I sometimes forget my role! If I am not careful, I put my opinion in where it is not wanted or needed with my adult children. (Well, even if I think my opinion is needed, if I forget that I am the grandparent and not the parent, I can cause unnecessary conflict!) Our adult children often need our approval, never our criticism. If we remember how hard it is to balance kids and their schedules, meals, work, and other priorities, we will help where we can, praise as often as we can, and avoid any behavior or words that can be hurtful.
With friends, we should remember that our appropriate role is usually one of support, not Director. Sometimes we get hooked thinking our friends want our opinion when they really just want to vent and want our approval, and they do not want us to tell them what to do. The same can be true for our spouse.
There is a caveat to all of this. If we think others we care about are struggling and need our help, we may need to intervene, but how we do that is so important. Certainly, if someone’s behavior is problematic to the point of potential or actual abuse, we need to get involved. But that is not usually the case when we get into trouble with others. We often get into trouble with others when we let our personalities dominate and fail to factor in the other person’s personality and communication style.
Cappuccino keeps me calm and helps me to behave better!
We all have opinions, and some of us are good about how we voice those opinions to others. Some of us need to improve in this area. Some of us need to work on staying in our own lane.
How successful are you at staying in your own lane? I need to work on this. Once again, I am writing what I need to learn.
“People just don’t care anymore.” Those words were spoken by the man behind the counter at my new favorite coffee shop. I assume he is the owner, but I am making an assumption. He made this comment when we were discussing why the coffee shop has reduced its hours. He told me how eight people just left over the last month and did not return to work without any notice given. While he also said there isn’t enough business to warrant the coffee shop staying open later, he said the main reason for closing earlier is staffing.
Our job can also be our passion, living out our purpose.
Do people really not care anymore? Are people taking jobs they really don’t want and then leaving when something they think is better comes along? Are people being hired without references being checked from their last place of employment? Do hiring managers not know that if someone leaves their previous job without working out a reasonable notice they may repeat this behavior in their current job? This is similar to the person who has an affair not realizing that if it was done with them, it can be done to them?! Go figure!
Our influence will be positive or negative. When one leaves a job without a proper notice, that influence is negative.
It goes without saying that work is more complicated than ever before, especially as it relates to how to recruit, train, and manage those in the younger generations. Younger people are different indeed. They expect a different workplace, and they are in position to demand it. More and more people want to work remotely, or at least, have a hybrid situation. Work does not hold the same value for many people today, at least not to the same degree it once did. Given all this, managers need to change their expectations.
Work needs to be FUN and provide incentives other than financial to attract and retain the talent needed in many jobs. While loyalty was important in the past, not as much so today. Younger workers are as interested (I hesitate to say “more interested,” but possibly!) in what the job can do for them than what they are expected to do in the job. And can we blame them? Most companies do not offer an incentive for long service, or retirement benefits. It seems that we have subconsciously bought into the premise that the company is no longer loyal to employees, so why would employees be loyal to the company?
What do you think? Am I right? If so, what are some of the solutions to the dilemma for both workers and management? What is happening isn’t working, so what can?
As for my coffee shop, remote work or hybrid work is not possible. My barista needs to be present to prepare my cappuccino.
The past couple of weeks were filled with basketball excitement. Unless you care nothing about sports, you couldn’t help but be wrapped up in the excitement. Depending on who is your favorite team, you had an exciting run. My (men’s) teams were Virginia, North Carolina State, and Duke, in that order. Virginia fell early, then Duke. That left NCSU, and what a run they had! Although it was unlikely that NCSU would be the ultimate winner, many rooted for them to be, and they made it to the Final Four. The words of DJ Horne seemed to forecast a win: “Why Not Us?” Why not, indeed?!
DJ Burns, Jr.DJ Horne
The excitement NCSU generated, especially with the two DJ’s, DJ Burns, Jr. and DJ Horne, was palpable. Each win signaled an unlikely possibility that they could go all of the way. Many who remembered the Cardiac Pack of 1983 yearned for a repeat performance. But unfortunately, it was not to be. NCSU lost to Purdue in the Final Four.
The Cardiac Pack was defeated, but not its spirit. Until the very last minute, the team fought to win. The “Why Not Us?” words of DJ Horne rang loud and clear until the very end. There was no joy in seeing The University of Connecticut defeat Purdue even though Purdue had defeated NCSU. The NCSU team gave their fans an unlikely run to the Final Four, and that was what mattered. The team spirit that permeated the courts will long be remembered, as will the dream that the team would go all the way. Although several days have passed since NCSU lost to Purdue, the joy the fans experienced along the way is still present. The NCSU players played their hearts out, and their run will long be remembered.
Beautiful flowers abound this time of the year.
The Women’s teams also played great games and are to be commended for how they played, and not just for their wins. Never before has there been such interest in the Women’s basketball games and tournaments. The NCSU Women’s basketball team made it to the Final Four, losing to South Carolina, who then went on to win the championship.
Nothing to do with Basketball. A delicious meal of Grouper and Grits at Salt64 in Oak Island.
What remains of NCSU’s Men’s and Women’s run to the final four is a testament to drive, teamwork, and sheer will. The teams are to be commended for how far they made it, and not grieved for their losses.
We would be well served to ask the question DJ Horne asked, “Why Not Us?” Whatever we are striving for, “Why Not Us?”
Prepare for this to be sad. I just had to share it. My heart is so full.
Two friends passed away within the last week. The services for them will be held this weekend. I want to tell you about them.
Julie Tran.
A close friend’s (she is really my chosen sister) niece passed away last week at much too young of an age. How young is too young? I am not sure that I know, but Julie Tran was much too young to die. I have known her all of her life, although I did not see her often. I will always treasure a visit with Julie last year at her Aunt Judy’s when she asked me to be a Facebook friend. Julie was only fifty-three years of age when she died. She leaves a grieving and loving family; a husband, two adult daughters, three siblings, and parents, as well as extended family. Julie’s cause of death was an asthma attack which precipitated a cardiac arrest.
Other than her asthma, Julie was healthy. She did not smoke or drink alcohol and was very careful about what she ate. You know that it is said that we are not supposed to outlast our children. Julie’s parents are experiencing just that. Her entire biological and church families are in shock. From the many comments on social media about Julie you have a profile of one who was loved and is being honored with heartfelt expressions of grief.
Dr. Frieda Meachum.
Dr. Frieda Meachum, a close friend many years ago, passed away on Easter Sunday at the age of seventy-five. Frieda, Judy (mentioned above,) and I were inseparable when our children were small. I have not seen Frieda for many years, but I will always treasure the friendship we shared for that season of our lives.
When I think of Frieda’s passing, I think how young seventy-five is. My mind takes me right back to our times together in the mid-to-late 70’s. I still use the strawberry-painted set of tools she made for me. Frieda leaves behind a daughter Emily, her husband Anthony, and a brother Philip, as well as other family members. She also leaves a legacy of leadership and service at the Alabama Institute for the Deaf and Blind where she served for forty-three years. Her legacy lives on in her children and grandchildren as well as in those her life touched in so many ways.
I still use this tool set that was a gift from Frieda many years ago. I think of her every time I use it.
What is the message in the passing of loved ones? The first lesson is how very short life is, whether we pass at fifty-three, seventy-five, or older. So many days we go through the motions of taking care of our various duties, sometimes not spending enough time with our loved ones. Then one day there is no more time.
Another lesson is that while we will all leave a legacy, what kind of legacy will it be? Will we be remembered for our acts of loving kindness, or for less positive qualities? If you are reading this, and for me who’s writing it, there is still time. At some point, time will run out.
I hope that you will read this as more than a sad message about the passing of loved ones, although I do hope it honors the lives of Julie and Frieda. I hope it is also a wake-up call for those of us who still have time. Time to spend with those we love. Time to serve in the ways we are able.
2 colored Easter eggs from our family decorating tradition this year hidden in the midst of other eggs. Can you find them?
Many of my readers know that traditions and memories are special in our family, and especially so to me. Easter is one of those. Easter was the holiday Mike was in charge of, until recent years. Mike was the one who planned and handled all the details of the dying of Easter eggs. He has now passed that responsibility on to the next generation.
Six-year-old grandson Drew and Nana decorating eggs.
This year, our daughter Chatham and son-in-law Johnathan handled the preparations while grandson Drew and I did the egg dying. I think this was the first year that everyone present did not dye their own, and others’, eggs. I do not know why that happened. It wasn’t planned; it just happened. But although the process this year was different, the tradition held; those of us who could made time to dye Easter eggs as a family.
Drew grew this bean from a seed! Can you find it?
Daughter Tara and family could not be with us this year for egg dying or for Easter because they are traveling in the UK and preparing daughter Mary Grace for her semester of study at Oxford University.
Nineteen-month-old granddaughter Hayden wasn’t interested in egg decorating, but she was present nonetheless.
It is fine for traditions to change as the years change. What we should try to do, however, is keep traditions alive. Traditions bind us to our history, and the memories that are created from those times center us in ways nothing else does.
Easter egg decorating 2021 with granddaughters (L to R) Virginia, Mary Grace, and Elsie at a lodge in Georgia. Easter egg decorating 2019 with the grandchildren the last time we decorated eggs at our home in Raleigh.
As you peruse my family’s photos of some of our traditions, think not of our traditions, but of your own family’s traditions. Keep the memories alive. When we are no longer here to share in those times, if we have kept traditions alive, our spirit will live on in the memories we helped create.
Have a wonderful Easter week. Let us remember the reason for the Easter season to Christians is not about egg dying at all. It is about the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Some of you who have followed my writings may be familiar with my Personality quiz, It’s in the SAUCE! I developed this tool almost thirty years ago while working with a national company hired to do management development with their general managers and sales managers.
Although I have always believed that people can change, behavior change isn’t easy or quick, and this was the kind of change these managers needed to make. Part of my responsibility as the consultant was to determine the areas of focus for their management development plans.
Many of these managers had been hired and promoted because of their ability to drive operations and sales, which at the time were necessary qualities for success. But that was changing quickly. Soon, those who would be successful would be leading knowledge workers in a collaborative environment. “Driver” behaviors would need to transition to influencing the behavior of others. This is even more true today than it was then.
This is an example of the personalized summary each person who completes the questionnaire receives of their data.
One day almost thirty years ago I sat down in a conference room in one of the company’s businesses in Florida. I thought about what behaviors would be necessary for managers responsible for leading and developing others instead of controlling others. I decided to develop a quiz identifying those necessary behaviors. I wanted to keep the tool simple and quick to take. This many years later I still do not know where the twenty questions that came to me came from, other than obviously from my creative side.
The tool was then administered to the managers. This was a tool that one could not fail. Its purpose was to identify the match between the necessary behaviors and the individual managers, and then to develop a management development plan focused on the most necessary behaviors in need of improvement.
Personality profiling has its roots in early attempts to understand human behavior. Formal personality assessment tools began to emerge in the early 1920’s. These tools have been used in recent years by organizations to recruit and develop those who have the potential to succeed. They are also used by individuals interested in their own development.
There are many different tools on the market, some more common than others. Some of the tools are very complex. The strength of It’s in the SAUCE is its simplicity as well as its accuracy. Of the many people who have been tested on SAUCE, most say their data is “spot on.” One of the important aspects of Its in the SAUCE is that the individual accepts their data as valid before a plan based on the data is developed.
Individuals who take SAUCE for their own purposes can understand their talents and make good decisions regarding their careers and even relationships. After all, should we not be at least as interested in ourselves and our own development as our employer is? With more knowledge, it is possible that some would choose different employers and even different careers.
A few SAUCE questions for you to answer. One question is: “I need action more than predictability.” Another is: “The opinion of others is important to me.” Another is: “I like giving direction to others.” These three questions are some of the questions that evaluate dominance. If your answers to these three questions are yes, no, and yes, in that order, those answers provide important insight about you related to dominance. Now, don’t jump to the bottom line too quickly! You need more information to understand what your answers mean. And there is so much more.
The It’s in the SAUCE tool will inform you, enlighten you, and inspire you. It will help you find the best fit for your career, relationships, and many more aspects of life and living. I would love to show you more about it. Just let me know when you are ready.
With the recent advent of Daylight Savings Time, it seems that Spring has already sprung. Daylight savings Time arrived in all U.S. states except Arizona and Hawaii on Sunday, March 10th. Although all of us do not appreciate that it is dark later in the morning, many do enjoy the daylight longer in the evenings. Although Spring does not officially arrive until Tuesday, March 19th. Since our days of daylight are now longer, we are already ready for the new season. An important question is, “What will we do with this new season?”
As one who knows that planning is critical to accomplishing what we want, it is time for us to plan this second quarter of the year. The days and weeks will pass whether we plan them or not. We can accomplish more of what we want if we plan. The plan is more likely to be accomplished if it is in writing. Yes, I know it is easy to resist taking the time to put our plans into writing. But trust me on this. We have too much in our heads already to add anything more to it and expect to accomplish what is important to us. So, let’s write it down!
One example of Goals; one that I developed that I use with clients.
Let’s make this simple. Thinking of the next three months, April, May, and June; what do you want to accomplish in these three months? A simple way to think about this is to identify a goal or more for each month. It is most effective to focus on the last month first and determine what your goal is for the end of the quarter. I will give an example of this.
A great book!
I have regained fifteen of the fifty-seven pounds I lost a couple of years ago. I know this is a dangerous trend, and that if I don’t change this progression, I could be back to where I started before losing my weight. It is time to change this trend. So, my goal for this quarter is to lose fifteen pounds by June 30th, which is 13 weeks beginning April 1. So, to do that, I decided to set a goal of losing one pound a week. Since I have two weeks left in March and I am getting started now, I can lose 2 pounds before April 1, and the total is amazingly so, fifteen pounds! I am committing this to writing so you can be my accountability partners!
Breaking our goals down in this manner makes them seem more achievable. Any of us who are serious about losing weight can lose one pound a week. It will be easier at the beginning of the three months than it will be closer to the end, but if I stay committed, I will accomplish my goal.
Enough about me. What goal(s) do you want to accomplish in the next three months? Will you commit the goal(s) to writing, and create a plan to accomplish what is important to you to change? I would love to hear about it and be an accountability partner for you.
I wish you great success on your journey to being your best, not just in the next three months, but going forward from there!
Once again, I find myself searching for things, such as car keys, lipstick, and various other things. I have long since known why I can’t find such simple things. I do not put them in the same place. Also, I have so much other stuff in the way of where I put things, that I am too often having to wade through different colors of lipstick to find the one I want. I know the solution, and so do you. Getting and staying organized is the solution.
Getting organized is simple, but not necessarily easy. Staying organized is hard. It takes time to get and stay organized. But we waste so much time when we aren’t organized that the time it takes to get organized is worth the time investment.
Less time looking for things means more time for cappuccino!
The issue of having so much stuff that it is hard to be organized is another problem. Take lipstick, for instance. I would hate to know how many tubes of lipstick I have. And I use one or two most of the time. But the thought of culling the lipstick supply is more than I can do. What if I decide to wear some of the other colors in the future? It doesn’t make sense to get rid of something I might need in the future. Or does it? It does indeed make sense. If I am only using one or two colors, why not just get rid of the rest?
Our influence is one of the greatest gifts we give others. Let’s make it a positive one.
What about socks? I have so many socks that my sock drawer overflows, yet I only wear a few pairs. I have thought about getting rid of clothes and other things, such as socks, that I haven’t worn during the fall and winter seasons. If I haven’t worn them this year, what is the likelihood that I will wear them next year? Not much.
Back to keys. The solution to not being able to find car keys is to put them in the same place every time. Every single time. This includes putting them in the same place in my purse, so I don’t have to take everything out to find them. It also includes putting them in the same place in the house. Having a key hanger near the door we usually come in is one solution, but a bowl in that same area is sufficient. Leaving them on the counter in the midst of other stuff is not as good of a solution.
Being organized gives us more time for a cup of tea or cappuccino and a good book!
The tagline for my business, and my passion, is “Inspiring Positive Change in Work, Life and Family.” Some of my writings are heavy, and some are light. This one I consider light, but nonetheless important. Time is the most important resource that we have. We should do everything we can to not waste time.
We can save lots of time that we are spending looking for stuff if we get and stay organized. I’m in. How about you?
Most of us struggle with it, at least sometimes. The “it” is procrastination. Procrastination takes many forms. At its core is the putting off until tomorrow, or forever, what we do not want to do but need to do. If we are putting off doing something that does not need to be done, we should not think of it as procrastination.
The “need” word related to procrastination is tricky. I have a good example. I had a pile of laundry that needed to be ironed. The pile included linen pillowcases, linen hand towels, small linen and cotton gift bags, dresser scarfs, and a few other items. Some of those items were for our personal use, and some were to be sold from my antiques and gifts business. The fact that these items were not ironed was not really a problem; there was no “need” to do this ironing. But there was a need to make a decision about ironing the items and putting them away, or not ironing them and getting rid of them. The way they were being kept only created clutter, and clutter blocks us from serenity.
# 2 on a list of behaviors we need to get rid of.
The pile had been hidden in a cabinet in my laundry room for months. When I cleaned that cabinet out a couple of weeks ago, I decided that the items that needed to be ironed would be ironed. So, I took that pile and put it in plain view in another room, hoping the mere sight of it would shame me into ironing. That did not work. I walked around that pile for a couple of weeks. I did not allow myself to move the pile. I knew that eventually I would tire of it being in plain view and would do something with it. During these two weeks, I almost put the pile away without any of it being ironed. But I resisted that and left it there. I found success with my procrastination this weekend.
Starched and ironed linens.
On Sunday afternoon, still not wanting to iron but having nothing else that I needed to do, I decided to face the demon and at least get started on the ironing. I told myself that I would iron a few pieces, and if I did not want to finish everything, then I would decide what to do with the rest. I knew that if I got started, I would likely want to finish the job.
We would do well to no longer procrastinate getting rid of clutter.
So, I ironed about half of the items, prioritizing those items that I wanted to sell. Then I stopped. I left the un-ironed pieces where they were, wanting to finish the job Monday morning. I knew if I put them away, they would not get ironed for many more months. If that happened the world would not stop, but I would not be happy with myself. Monday morning, I finished the ironing job.
To say I am proud of myself for finishing this ironing is an understatement. I conquered the procrastination demon and completed a task that should have been completed months ago. Now, I am on a roll, and want to complete other tasks that I have been avoiding doing. That is how this works. One success often leads to another. Once we force ourselves to get active and do something we need to do, we have more energy to do more. When we allow ourselves to slouch around, the same thing happens; there is more slouching around.
Now, procrastination with ironing may not be your challenge, but I bet there is something you have been putting off doing. That is likely hanging over you, draining your energy. You think about it too much. But you still do not do it. Why? There are several reasons.
Sometimes we procrastinate doing something that we really do not want to do, and do not need to do. And we can likely all agree that most of us have more to do than we can get done. So, it is easy to not do some things. If this is our challenge, we need to decide whether we are going to do this, or not. We can give ourselves permission to take this off our “to do” list. Making this decision is not a failure. It is taking action. We can free this time up for other, more important things that do need to get done. Sometimes we procrastinate because the task we are avoiding seems so large and we do not even know how to get started. If this is the case, we need to break the task down into manageable pieces, decide how long each aspect of it will take, and just get started. We should plan the task in time chunks, deciding when and how to complete it. This sounds simple, and it really is, but it isn’t easy. I know that you know the difference between simple and easy. In my Weight Watcher’s meeting on Saturday, the leader made the statement. “Research shows humans like to do what’s easy.” Sometimes we fail to even get started on a task because it is easier not to!
This is not intended to be a thorough analysis of Procrastination. Nor is it intended to highlight my recent success with ironing. The point of this is to bring to my readers’ attention a nudge regarding their procrastination issues.
I will stop here, so you have time to attack your procrastination issues. Reading about the subject is not nearly as effective as taking action.
Let me confess first. It isn’t going great for me. I have gained a few pounds, I have not been walking, and have yet to get completely serious about reducing debt. But I am back on a plan.
I have long known that I need structure. That is why Weight Watchers works for me as a weight management tool. As a Lifetime WW member, I must weigh in once a calendar month and not gain more than two pounds over my goal weight to maintain my Lifetime status. If I meet these criteria, I can attend WW meetings and take advantage of all of its offerings without paying. If I do not meet those criteria, I must start paying to participate. That alone is an incentive for me to work the plan. But once again here I am at the end of the month, having to drastically reduce my caloric intake to meet my goal in the next few days. And as you know, February is a short month!
How very true this is!
My walking plan has suffered due to the cold weather. Now that is an excuse. I can walk in cold weather, although I prefer not to. Then I can get myself to an indoor mall, which I have not done. But I did start my walking routine yesterday. Since I have only one day of success, I can’t brag about this progress. But we know that getting started is the hardest part. It seems that due to some other priorities, I will miss today. That means I will need to walk twice another day!
Regarding debt reduction, that is actually going better than my weight and exercise. I am no longer charging certain items, such as groceries, on a credit card that isn’t paid off each month. In fact, I am not charging anything on a credit card that isn’t paid off each month. As I have mentioned previously, the changes needed to reduce my debt, eventually eliminating it, will be tough. It is tough. But so am I.
How is it going for you with your New Year’s Resolutions/Commitments? I hope that you are excelling! If, however, you are like me and have not made as much progress as you want, it is time to get serious. With the end of February approaching quickly, we have ten months left in this year.
I have read this book, and it is great!
Where do you want to be at the end of 2024? Go back and review your commitments to yourself. Decide what needs to change.
It's In The Sauce! 
Staying In Our Own Lane!
This blog was initially to be a call to action for managers. The reason for this is that I have heard too many stories lately of intimidating managers making inappropriate comments to staff. Comments that belittle staff and place them in uncomfortable positions. I will write a longer blog on exactly that at some point, but I decided to shift the focus in this blog somewhat and speak to all of us, for we can make inappropriate comments without even meaning to. Some of those comments are not just inappropriate, they are hurtful. We should all be careful about how we say what we say and stay in our own lane. You might ask, “What exactly does staying in our own lane mean?”
Staying in our own lane first of all means to mind our own business. I know you have heard what is often said, “If you aren’t involved, stay out of it.” Also, “If you aren’t part of the solution, don’t be part of the problem.” One of the problems with this is that some people love to meddle, and keep things stirred up. Others can try to drag us into things that we have no business getting into. We need to be smarter and better than getting caught up in that.
One way for us to stay out of trouble is to remember our role. For example, as a Nana who loves her grandchildren, I sometimes forget my role! If I am not careful, I put my opinion in where it is not wanted or needed with my adult children. (Well, even if I think my opinion is needed, if I forget that I am the grandparent and not the parent, I can cause unnecessary conflict!) Our adult children often need our approval, never our criticism. If we remember how hard it is to balance kids and their schedules, meals, work, and other priorities, we will help where we can, praise as often as we can, and avoid any behavior or words that can be hurtful.
With friends, we should remember that our appropriate role is usually one of support, not Director. Sometimes we get hooked thinking our friends want our opinion when they really just want to vent and want our approval, and they do not want us to tell them what to do. The same can be true for our spouse.
There is a caveat to all of this. If we think others we care about are struggling and need our help, we may need to intervene, but how we do that is so important. Certainly, if someone’s behavior is problematic to the point of potential or actual abuse, we need to get involved. But that is not usually the case when we get into trouble with others. We often get into trouble with others when we let our personalities dominate and fail to factor in the other person’s personality and communication style.
We all have opinions, and some of us are good about how we voice those opinions to others. Some of us need to improve in this area. Some of us need to work on staying in our own lane.
How successful are you at staying in your own lane? I need to work on this. Once again, I am writing what I need to learn.