Changes Outside of Our Control

Posted on March 10, 2023 by Patti Fralix
This describes our new home, now that we are settled in and have made it ours. This sentiment is a card given to us by a good friend/family member, MoMo. 

I have experienced a lot of change recently, the most impactful being the sale of our home and moving into a much smaller home in a neighborhood somewhat removed from our local haunts. While I resisted that change for quite a while, I knew it was the right thing to do. Now that it is behind us, we are settling in, and actually enjoying some things about our new experience. More about that at another time.

Lessons learned from my year of no shopping changed how often I shop, even at discount stores like Tuesday Morning. This book is available at Amazon.

There are a couple of impending changes that I would like to resist, but it would do no good to try to do so. These changes are totally outside of my control. Both of them involve businesses of which I have been a long-time customer. Both have a loyal customer base, or at least, it appears that they do. But loyal customers can’t keep these businesses alive. The decision to close these businesses has been made at a corporate level, and likely for financial reasons. That is more obvious with one of the businesses, and somewhat of an assumption with the other. I will miss them both.

The first business to close in our area is Tuesday Morning, a discount store that sells mainly upscale housewares, mostly close-outs from other retailers. Tuesday Morning will not close all of its stores, not even all of its NC stores, but all of their stores in my area will close, and soon. The retail company filed for bankruptcy recently and announced the closing of more than half of its stores nationwide. I will miss my occasional visits to these stores and will certainly look for open Tuesday Morning stores in other locations when I am traveling.  

While I am somewhat removed from Tuesday Morning, not knowing any of its owners, that is not the case with the other business that is closing. The other business to close soon is a restaurant/bar, Sawmill Tap Room, which has been our local Cheers, where the staff knows and loves you, and always makes you feel welcome. Mike and I were at Sawmill Tap Room the first day they were open, twenty-three years ago. We even knew the owners before they opened Sawmill, when they worked at and managed 42nd Street Oyster Bar, and took great care of Mike and the business groups he frequently took there. Our family Thanksgiving celebrations started at Sawmill on the first night of our three-day events for most of our thirty-four years of gathering. Eating at Sawmill is like eating with family.  

Some of our family at Sawmill Tap Room the first night of our Thanksgiving gathering in 2019.

Sawmill Tap Room did not plan to close, but the landlord obviously has other plans and refused to renew their lease; no reason was given. While there is wailing and gnashing of teeth from its loyal customer base, Sawmill is slated to close at the end of May. There is talk of perhaps opening in another location, which would be a change, but not the death blow that is felt now. Since we have moved out of the neighborhood, Sawmill opening in another location could be of benefit to us, depending on where that new location is. Whether Sawmill will open in another location remains to be seen. Between now and the end of May, Mike and I and others we know plan to try to visit Sawmill at least once a week. For old times’ sake.

A great book.

What are the lessons in these changes? There are several. First, and perhaps most important, it is important to know whether an impending change is within our control, or outside of it. If it is outside of our control, we should not waste physical or emotional energy trying to resist it. Just move with it.

Second, we should loyally support the businesses that we frequent, with our dollars and our presence. We should help them stay alive financially. I tried to do this with Belk, which was my favorite local department store, until they shifted their merchandise from brands I love to brands I do not even like, much less love. I am now quite an infrequent shopper at Belk. I predict this major retailer with a long NC history will find itself on the chopping block in the near future.

The final lesson in these changes is that cash is king, and profit is more important than sales. A business that doesn’t have cash left over that can be reinvested in capital and growth will not survive. Hard times will come, and when they do, it is important to have a surplus to weather the storms. If COVID did not teach us this, its lessons were wasted.

I wonder when our government will figure this out. Perhaps even more importantly, when will we figure this out?

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It’s All About the Culture

Posted on March 1, 2023 by Patti Fralix

Last week I wrote about problems in retail, specifically staff not being customer oriented. This is the other side of the story.

Mike and I were in High Point, NC last weekend staying over in route back from a visit to Alabama. I wanted to go to a fabric store there, and we spent the night to make that possible. We were given a list of restaurants in the area by our hotel. We selected J Butler’s Bar and Grill on Main Street, thinking it would be a casual place to get some decent food. It turned out to be even more than that, although it didn’t start off that way. 

I do believe she accomplished this.

When we went in, we were told to sit wherever we wanted, and we chose a booth. Almost immediately, we both realized that it was cold, and considered leaving at that point. Instead, we asked the server if she could adjust the temperature to make it warmer. Her reply was, “I will ask the manager.” We then were asked for our drink order. I ordered my usual, half-and-half iced tea. Mike asked for a non-alcoholic beer. He was told that they did not have non-alcoholic beer, but that she would ask to make sure. She came back soon with the news that indeed, they did not have non-alcoholic beer. Mike ordered a Diet Pepsi.

Stephen Covey was one of the greatest Thought Leaders of all time. Principles and Values of Service were clearly evident at J Butler’s Bar and Grill in High Point, NC. 

Since we noticed that it was warmer than it had been, we decided to stay and order. We ordered a burger with fried okra and split it. Our food was very good, and my tea was perfect. (I judge a restaurant by the quality of their iced tea!) We enjoyed our meal and then asked for the check.

Mike noticed that we had not been charged for either of our beverages. Mike always lets a restaurant know if something has been left off of our bill. When the server came back to our table, Mike mentioned that we had not been charged for our drinks. She replied, “I know, I did not charge you. You wanted a non-alcoholic beer, and we did not have it. So, I did not charge you for either drink. We want to take care of our customers.” We thanked her and added some money to her tip for her graciousness.

I miss my neighbor, Laurie Turner, whose message of kindness I saw every time I went down my driveway. We have both moved from that neighborhood. 

As we were leaving the restaurant, another staff person thanked us for coming in, asked how our visit was, and said, “We want our customers to be happy!” We replied that our food was great and that it was obvious that they take good care of their customers.

J Butler’s Bar and Grill in High Point, NC has a culture of service. We never met the owner or the manager, and we did not need to. The staff took good care of us, and that culture of service starts at the top. We met the manager and owner through the behavior of the staff.

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Retail Challenges

Posted on February 22, 2023 by Patti Fralix
True, but should not be used as an excuse for poor service.

I have long enjoyed shopping, but not lately. And the use of the word “shopping” is intentional. By shopping, I do not necessarily mean buying. Shopping has been an outlet for me. I used to enjoy shopping for hours and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Perhaps it was the variety of goods. Or it could have been the beauty of the items or how they were arranged or displayed. Or the enjoyment may have been just losing myself in the stores, without having to do anything but enjoy the experience. If I was looking for something in particular and I found it, the shopping could have culminated in a purchase. But it did not have to for me to enjoy the experience. But not lately.

As one who has long advocated for customer service, speaking and writing about it, this is not the first time I have noted deficiencies in customer service. But things may be worse now. I am noticing a definitive lack of the basics of customer service. I think it may relate to COVID and the staffing shortages as a result of all of the challenges COVID fraught in retail. I wonder how long we will be able to blame all of a business’ problems on COVID?

Easier to do when we aren’t shopping!

Since we are in a new home, shopping for some things has become a necessity, or if not a necessity, something that seems like a necessity. Since we left our trash cans in the house we sold, because they were a part of the cabinetry, purchasing new trash cans seemed like a necessity. And since we are in much smaller quarters than we left behind, and we have not scaled down all of our possessions, such as shoes and clothes, it has been necessary to buy some items to make the closets manageable. I know, a case can be made that if we culled the clothes and shoes, we might have avoided buying new bins, etc. But that was not the choice we made. So, shopping for some things has felt like a necessity.

While shopping, I noticed a lack of the basics of customer service. Staffing is insufficient. It is difficult to serve the customer when there isn’t enough staff. But I, and I think others as well, have been fairly tolerant of that. What I am not tolerant of is poor attitudes and lack of friendly service from those staff who are present. Two recent examples come to mind.

Wise words on a building in the Flatiron district in NYC, the city in which I most enjoy shopping. 

I was in a store several times recently for containers including shoe holders and trash cans. On each occasion, I had to lasso someone to help me, and there was an attitude on the part of the staff, and it was not a friendly attitude. I felt like I was an unwelcome interruption in the staff’s day, while I think the main reason the staff is present is to serve the customer. After experiencing this several times, I decided I had to say something. While checking out I said, “Your merchandise is not inexpensive, and I have made several purchases in the past few days. On each occasion, at least one staff person has been less than friendly, and some rude.” The response was not what one would hope for, which was an apology, or something said to turn around a bad experience. The response instead was “We do not have enough help.” While that may be true, the comment did not address the problem I was describing, which was an air of indifference or hostility of the staff that was present. I let it go at that, for I did not have any time to spend trying to help the store fix a problem management was allowing.

At another store recently I had an unfavorable customer experience. I went into a fabric store with just a few minutes to spare, to locate one item in particular. There was two staff busy rearranging displays. Neither spoke to me. They were more focused on what they were doing than serving a customer. I looked around for a few minutes, not bothering their work. After a few minutes, I asked if there was anyone who could help me. The man replied, “We are short-staffed today, and we have to finish rearranging these displays.” Translation, no one could help me. What they were doing was more important than serving the customer. So, I looked around some more, and after a few minutes, the man came over, reiterating that they were short-staffed, and asked what I needed. I told him what I was there for, and he directed me to the area I needed and went back to work on what he had been doing. I actually did find what I was looking for, made my purchase, and left. The feeling of not being served well by the staff left with me.

And thus they cannot be found by shopping. 

What is a customer to do, given the increasing lack of service? I have several thoughts about this, although none of them will solve retail’s problems. The solution for retail’s problem(s) is with management. That will be the subject of another blog.

We must be accepting of the lack of service, for it is everywhere. Otherwise, we could explode. This problem is not going to go away quickly. It is our current reality. While I do not like to have to admit it, our expectations for service are not going to be met soon, if at all. We may find we are living with this lack of service dynamic. 

A great book by an Influencer I follow, Joshua Becker.

While we are accepting, we need to give our business to those stores that serve us best. We need to reward the stores that do have friendly staff, who do have enough of them, by giving them as much of our business as we can. We should help those businesses stay in business.

We should speak up when it is warranted, yet do so in a kind manner. We should not turn a bad situation into one that is even worse by exhibiting negative or unfriendly behavior.

I am no longer a Spendaholic or a Shopaholic, thankfully. However, I do still love beautiful things.

We should have more patience, allow more time for the shopping experience, and expect delays. If things take longer, and they do, we should manage our expectations and plan for them.

Perhaps we should shop less, which may compound retail’s problem. More stores will go out of business, and maybe they should. If something isn’t working, why keep doing it?

There is always online shopping. Amazon always seems to have enough help.

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What Does Love Have To Do With It?!

Posted on February 14, 2023 by Patti Fralix

Happy Valentine’s Day! This day in the year that some think was created by Hallmark and florists to sell cards, flowers, and candy is here again. My, doesn’t time fly? I hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day with your loved ones. But more than that, I hope that you have a wonderful day with yourself. For, hard as it is to envision, at some point we may find our loved ones occupied with no time for us, or even harder to think of, gone. Before it is necessary, we need to be able to spend time alone with ourselves and be totally comfortable with our own company.

It is important for us to protect our heart.

February is heart month. We need to protect our hearts. Of course, that protection needs to include physical, including taking care of ourselves with good nutrition, exercise, and staying up to date on our routine checkups. It is important for our blood pressure and cholesterol to be at normal levels. It goes without saying that we should not be harming our bodies by smoking, drinking alcohol to excess if at all, or using illegal substances. Most of us know that, and many people take good care of themselves physically. That does not go far enough, however. We also need to take care of ourselves emotionally. In fact, if our emotional health is not what it needs to be, it is easier to damage our bodies physically.

Our relationship with others is important, and without healthy family and social relationships, we are often lacking in the ability to be happy. The relationship with ourselves emotionally is even more important. Without a healthy self-image, we lack the ability to treat ourselves well, and if that continues for too long, we can spiral into depression.

On the wall at Weight Watchers. We should believe these words about ourselves, remembering that beauty is more than appearance.

The words self-esteem and self-confidence are often used interchangeably, although while they are both important, there is a significant difference between them.  It is important to understand the difference between these two.

Self-esteem is the belief in ourselves at our core and includes self-respect and self-efficacy. People with healthy self-esteem treat themselves well and require others to treat them well. This is not about being egotistical, it is about expecting the best for us from ourselves and from others. Healthy self-esteem is necessary to be our best self and to live our best life. We are not able to reach self-actualization, which is the achievement of personal potential, without healthy self-esteem.

Self-esteem is formed in our early years and comes from good nurturing, most importantly from our parents, and in their absence physically and/or emotionally, from our most dominant caretakers. Self-esteem is the more internal of the two, self-esteem and self-confidence. If we do not receive good nurturing as a child and lack self-esteem, it is usually necessary to rebuild that through therapy with a good and trusted therapist. A speaker friend of mine has often said that what we do not receive by the age of nine years old, we spend the rest of our lives trying to get. One manifestation of this is looking for love in all the wrong places, including from others when we do not love ourselves.

Self-confidence is the belief in ourselves more externally and involves achievement. Too often people who lack self-esteem try to be worthy by achieving success through external means, including positions of authority, accolades of others, etc. While this may work temporarily, this confidence is short-lived. As soon as the external achievement is lacking, the confidence in oneself wanes. Self-confidence can never replace self-esteem.

A great big hug to you on Valentine’s Day!

This discussion of self-esteem and self-confidence is not all-inclusive, and is not intended as a theoretical analysis, and certainly is not given as an excuse for being self-centered. This has nothing to do with self-centeredness or selfishness, and everything to do with being emotionally healthy. Further, the point of this is to understand why we do not expect the best from ourselves and from others, and why we depend on others to meet our emotional needs. People who do not love themselves, who do not treat themselves well, and who also do not treat others well, need to do the necessary internal work to rectify this and to be emotionally healthy.

Maybe this is too much of a stretch for Valentine’s Day. Can’t we just focus on flowers, candy, and other treats, and not worry about all of this? Well, yes, we can, for a day. But not for much longer than that if we want to be healthy emotionally and be truly happy.

Treat yourself and others well on Valentine’s Day and all days. Be your best self. We need your best to collectively be able to solve our world’s pressing problems. That is only possible when we are our best.

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Still Cleaning Out

Posted on February 9, 2023 by Patti Fralix

It has been five weeks since we moved, and I am still cleaning out. I remain amazed at all of the stuff we have accumulated over the years. While moving from a 4800 square foot house to one that is slightly less than 2000 square feet presents some challenges, those are less about the size differences of the houses than the amount of stuff that we have. I am determined to live with less stuff and am chipping away at the problem. It is hard, but I know it is for the best.

This was one of my favorite pieces of furniture, that is now in a new home. It was at Always Home, an upscale consignment shop in Durham, that took our furniture and other items we chose to let go, when a woman purchased it. I could tell she will love it as I did.

We sold about half of our furniture, and yet still have tables, lamps, and other items that have to be stored because there is nowhere to put them. I am torn about what of these to keep, wondering if we will have space for them in the future. One part of me wants to just get rid of the excess items, and not worry about the future. The thought of moving again anytime soon sends me into a panic. Another part of me wants to keep all of my stuff since I have loved all of it. If it is damaged, I am well able to get rid of it. If not, I want to hold onto it.

These two furniture pieces made it to our new home. The book/magazine piece on the L was my maternal grandmother’s, and the bookcase/desk on the R was my paternal grandparents’. 

Part of my dilemma with letting go or holding on relates to being in a temporary situation. Not knowing where we wanted to go next, Mike and I rented a house for a year, to give us time to make a well-thought-out decision. So, we are in limbo. While I am trying to not focus on that too much, and live in the present, it is difficult. There are some things I want to do in our present home, yet knowing that it is a rental that we may only be in for a year makes me not want to make too many improvements to it. On the other hand, my space is important to me, and I need to make it my own, even if it is only for a year. So I am going slowly with the changes, and being careful to not spend money unnecessarily on things I can’t take with me.

Our French cupboard that served as our kitchen pantry has been repurposed as a storage cabinet in our new home. It is a perfect fit in its new location. 

My greatest dilemma is the windows. They are all bare except for the blinds. I have some gorgeous window treatments that I kept, and I am going to see if they can be remade to use in our current home. I am not happy with bare windows. If the ones I have can’t be remade, I will need to do something else. I can’t be content with bare windows for a year. Even though we know how fast a year can pass.

Maybe so!

Then there are the bed linens, including sheets, blankets, and pillows. I have gotten rid of all full-size beds, so letting go of those linens was not difficult. But the decorative pillows, now that have been a challenge. They were custom, matched the window treatments, and meet my need for beauty. But the bedrooms are small, the closets even smaller, and there is no place to keep all of this stuff. I have talked to myself long and hard about letting go, even thinking about buying new if we ever need more. But it is still hard.

Happy birthday to (L) Elsie, who is 16 today, and congratulations to (R) Mary Grace, who has made her college decision, and is UGA bound! 

But I am working through it, and almost all of my decisions have been made. It is time to enjoy less, and make this home our forever home, whether it will be or not.

I want to live in the present, remembering the past but not holding onto it. And accepting that the future is unknown. All we have is the present, and I am ready to live as if it is all I will ever know.

And speaking of the present, Happy 16th birthday to granddaughter Elsie!

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A New Month in a New Year

Posted on February 1, 2023 by Patti Fralix
Walking on the beach does not feel like exercise. It is meditation with an exercise benefit. 

January 2023 is now history, and a new month in a new year is here. February 2023 is heart month, includes Valentine’s Day, and also includes our granddaughter Elsie’s 16th birthday. Time is flying by. It is hard for me to believe that we have moved out of the home we built and lived in for almost thirty-five years in Raleigh and moved into a new home in Durham. But the reality is that we have, and time marches on.

A good plan for the new year.

Most likely you made some New Year’s resolutions a month ago, which I like to think of as promises to yourself. The most common ones are: lose weight, exercise more, and spend less money. Unfortunately, many people who make resolutions at the beginning of a year find it hard to keep them and are back to their old ways two weeks later.

How is it going for you with the promises you made to yourself?  If your answer is, “Not so well,” do not despair. There is still a lot of time in 2023 for us to reset and keep our promises. We just need to recommit. The longer we go without getting back on track, the harder it is to do so.

When we want to make major changes in our behavior, such as losing weight, exercising more, and managing our money better, we need systems to help us. Systems help us stay consistent. Finding systems that work for us is important if we are serious about making changes in our behavior.

My system for weight control is Weight Watchers, and it is the only weight control plan that works for me. As a lifetime member of WW, I am required to keep my weight within two pounds of my goal weight and weigh in at WW once a month, in order to attend unlimited WW meetings and access their services without any cost. This is a powerful incentive for me and helps me stay within an acceptable range for my weight.

Changing the world is best done by changing individuals. Let it begin with me. 

One of the systems of WW is tracking all food eaten. This helps to keep points consumed in clear focus. On days that I do not track I lose track of what I have actually eaten. Too many of those days, and I find my weight creeping back up. The same system works to help manage money, writing down everything spent. It is easy for money to disappear and not know where it went unless we keep a spending record.

It’s Not The Same, and Neither Are We. Let’s Be Better!

It is too easy to fall back into our old patterns of behavior if we do not use systems to help us stay focused on the changes we want to make. The specific systems do not matter. We need to figure out what systems work for us and stay consistent. Then we will find it so much easier to make the changes we want to make. Not easy, but easier. Behavior change is not easy. The easiest thing is to keep on keeping on, doing what we have been doing.

Mike and me at the Wilson Cotillion on January 28, 2023. We were one of the original couples who founded this in 1984. 

How is 2023 going for you so far? It is still early in the year. You still have time to make the changes you want to make. But the longer you delay, the harder it will be. Wait too long, and 2023 will be gone, and the changes you want to make will not be made.

So, keep on keeping on, if you are staying focused on your resolutions. If you have slipped, get back on track. You can be successful.

And take care of your heart, not just in February, but always!

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A New Beginning

Posted on January 27, 2023 by Patti Fralix
Our first and only New Home card, sent by good friend, MoMo. 

Since January 6, we have moved from an (almost) 5,000 square foot house to an (almost) 2,000 square foot house. We do not know where we want to be longer term, so we rented a house fifteen minutes from where we lived for (almost) thirty-six years to give us time to figure that out. We have committed to being in this new house for thirteen months. Now that I have packed, moved out of one house, and moved into another, I may not want to ever leave this new house.

Our front porch.

We left almost 4 acres and moved into a house with a yard the size of a postage stamp. We left a neighborhood where the houses and yards were so large that we rarely saw our neighbors unless we connected while walking, and moved into a neighborhood with sidewalks and walking trails, where our neighbors stop to chat when they pass in front of our house. After spending two weeks in our new home, my focus is no longer on what we gave up. It is now on what else we need to let go.

Our upstairs guest room, not fully decorated, since no pictures on the wall yet.
Our upstairs guest room bath.

Managing a 2,000-square-foot home is easier than managing a 5,000-square-foot home. There is less to keep up, less to clean, and less to maintain, unless you are trying to put 5,000 square feet worth of stuff in a 2,000-square-foot space, which is what I have been trying to do. While we sold or donated about one-half of our furniture, I held onto most everything else. Most of the china, crystal, and sterling. All of the photos, boxes, and bags of them. Most of the books. Most of the accessories.

A few of our many books, in the upstairs bonus room.

Bed linens and pillows for beds in 6 bedrooms, moved to a house with three bedrooms. Wrought iron furniture from a large patio, stuffed onto a patio intended to only hold one table and 4 chairs. Many chairs that were used for seating our large Thanksgiving gatherings, were put in storage in the new house where they would never be needed. Christmas decorations for three large trees were moved into storage in the new house that will only have one tree.

Our postage stamp patio, with too much wrought iron furniture. 

There is more, but you get the drift. Trying to stuff a lifetime of stuff from a large house into a much smaller house. It obviously can’t be done, so I am forced to make some hard decisions about what to keep and what else to let go of.

Our master bedroom, small, but comfortable. 
The peaceful view outside our master bedroom window.

But I have let go of the resistance to this change, and am embracing this new stage of our life. While I will always miss our home we left and many things about it that I will probably never have again, I am finding that this change provides some gifts I had not expected. As I continue to unpack boxes, I will also unpack the many emotions that accompany this change. I will share how this new change is changing not just where we live, but how we live. 

Isn’t that the way life is, from letting go and grieving, to finding joy in unexpected places? 

                     

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Saying Goodbye to Home

Posted on January 11, 2023 by Patti Fralix

With five minutes to spare, we left the keys and garage door openers on the counter, locked the doors, and left our home at 305 Dalton Drive for the last time. In five minutes, the new owners would come in and take occupancy. Our home that we built in 1988, renovated and expanded in 2003, and raised our family in, would now pass to a new family to make as their own. Mike and I would move to a new home in Raleigh, a transition home for us while we decide where we want to be long-term.

Our kitchen, with my beloved Aga.
While I know this is true, letting go is still hard.

For the past few weeks, we cleaned out, packed, and let go of furniture that we knew we would never need again. This included beds, Mike’s and my large desks, wrought iron furniture, and assorted odds and ends. The cleaning out included discovering letters from family members and an old boyfriend, sympathy cards received when our parents died, and a lifetime of memories from past careers. Also, five hair dryers and four irons, found in bedrooms and bathrooms infrequently used!

My grandparent’s bookcase/desk travelled with us to our new home.
My favorite bed, which was Tara’s youth bed many years ago, is now residing in someone else’s home.

I will miss many things about our beloved home. First of all and most acutely, I will miss our Aga, our English cooker. I plan to have another Aga when we are settled permanently. I will miss the space, although, at almost 5,000 square feet, it was too much space for two people who weren’t even there enough to care for the property as it needed to be. I will miss the neighborhood, a neighborhood that always felt safe. I will miss the location, from where we could travel most anywhere in Raleigh in twenty minutes.

Our French pantry, which served as our kitchen pantry, is now repurposed in our new home.
Oh, how I will miss the several eating areas in our home.

I will miss the beauty, both the natural beauty of our almost four acres of land and the beauty of the interiors. The blue and yellow colors of most rooms, the heavy moldings, the simple yet elegant window treatments, and the many custom details that we added through the years. I do not expect to ever have a house that I love as much. Leaving it, knowing this leaving was forever, was so hard, although I know it was the right decision to make.

Our granddaughters waiting on the stairs until everyone is up before being able to come down and see what Santa brought.

We take many memories with us. Memories of Tara and Chatham as they grew from preteens to adults. Memories of many Christmases, with the granddaughters waiting on the stairs until everyone was up before they could come downstairs to see what Santa left. Memories of Uncle Barry sitting on the kitchen barstool, barking his orders for breakfast. Memories of the many Thanksgivings we hosted for our extended family, the last few years, more than sixty-five of them. Memories of many family meals, hosting international friends and sharing our home with our business colleagues.

While our dining room table has a place in our new home, these chairs now live with someone else. 
Thankful for many happy years in our home.

Change is hard. It is much easier to keep doing what we have always done than to do something different, even when we believe it is time to change course. We have to let go of what we have to grab hold of what can be.

After depositing our furniture and unpacked boxes in our new home, Mike and I took our exhausted bodies to Myrtle Beach for a week. It was a very good decision. 
The beach renourishes the body and calms the spirit; just what we needed. 

We know what we are leaving, yet we do not know what we will be receiving. But we step out in faith, knowing that our next move will take us closer to where we need to be. For our foundation is strong. Our home at 305 Dalton anchors us, creating a foundation so strong that wherever we land, we will be home.

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A Gift From Her Heart

Posted on December 28, 2022 by Patti Fralix
A very wise Virginia Kinney

I am grateful for all of my gifts. Regardless of the specific gift, how much money was spent on it, or any other variables, gifts are a blessing to me. Gifts are my love language. I received some very thoughtful gifts this Christmas, and I am grateful for each one. There is one, however, given to me by my ten-year-old granddaughter, Virginia, that touched my heart in such a meaningful way that her sisters and the rest of the family said everything else paled in comparison.

Our family has a tradition of opening one gift on Christmas Eve. Virginia insisted that I open hers. When she gave it to me, her mom, daughter Tara, said, “You will need some tissues, Mom.” Indeed, I did.

When I opened Virginia’s gift, the first thing in the box was an envelope with the words, “Open First!” Inside the envelope was a note written in Virginia’s handwriting, with a sentiment that alone would have been enough. But there was more to come. The note was on top of a blanket Virginia created, a blanket of memories. Tara said the entire gift, the note, and the blanket, were Virginia’s idea, and she did all of the work on it herself. A gift that was truly from her heart.

Virginia’s gift is evidence that she has memories in her heart of our family’s times together. Times cooking in our kitchen in Raleigh with our Aga. Times skiing in Steamboat. Times in Hilton Head. Times in St. Marys, at soccer games and dance recitals. Times working on puzzles and playing board games. Times just being together.

So very precious!

Grandchildren are truly a gift from God, a gift of love beyond measure. When I think of all of the things I own, of all of the stuff that I have been going through preparing for our upcoming move, I am reminded of how transitory our lives are. How so much of our tangible stuff is unnecessary. Yet we hang onto it. Or at least, I do.

We have all heard the question, “If there was a disaster, such as a fire, in your home, what things would you try to save?” Most people reply that they would try to save photos. Photos of a time that cannot be recaptured. Virginia’s gift of her note and the memories blanket take photos to a different level.

The Memory Blanket Virginia lovingly made for Nana.

I have been grieving leaving our home in Raleigh, moving into a home without some of what I have come to love. A home without an Aga. A home with less space. A home with less beauty. A home without the memories we are leaving behind.

Virginia’s gift reminds me that wherever we go, our memories remain in our hearts. The wisdom of a ten-year-old, teaching her seventy-one-year-old grandmother the value of memories in our hearts.  

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Going Down Memory Lane

Posted on December 20, 2022 by Patti Fralix
My three cousins, ( L) Sheree, (middle) Susan, and Mark and me.

Mike and I are still in the throes of cleaning out our home where we have lived for more than thirty-four years. In early January a new family will move in and we will move on to our next adventure. I have a wide range of emotions, and although I believe it is time for us to take this next step, it is very hard. Leaving our home which we built in 1988, renovated and expanded in 2003, and in which we have so many wonderful memories of family times, is a major life change. But the decision has been made, and we are moving on. But not before we get through facing thirty-four-plus years of stuff and delayed decisions.

Dear friends gathered for a going-away party for me when I moved from AL to NC in 1981. Sadly, three of these are deceased.

I wish you could be beside me while I purge (although not enough,) pack (too much,) and box up a lifetime of memories. I especially wish you could be with me for the attic cleanouts. I have not been into the attics except to store items that were used infrequently, such as bedside commodes for our elderly family members. I had no idea what the attics housed. I was amazed when I got into the boxes in the attics. I found things I had never seen, had no idea I had, and do not know how they got there.

My dear friend, Pam Richardson’s son, Seth, at 9 months old. Seth and his wife Alison have 3 children, the youngest of whom is Wyatt, and looks just like him.
My dear friend Judy’s three children. (L) Jim, who passed away in 2020 at the age of 48, (M) Lee (the typical middle child who keeps us laughing!) and (R) Patti Anne (my namesake, who is always in charge!) 

In the main attic, I found items that belonged to my ex-husband (we divorced in 1980,) Mike’s ex-wife, (from whom he was separated since the late 1970s, although they divorced later) from my mother who passed away in 1998, and my aunt who passed away in 1981. There were also many college notebooks of Mike’s from his years at North Carolina State University, from which he graduated in 1975, and my nursing cap and nursing shoes from 1972. There was Chatham’s baby bed, and Chatham is now 45 years old, and no one else has been able to use that baby bed since it was deemed unsafe many years ago. Why ‘oh why would we have kept that bed and stored it in the attic, knowing it should not be used again? There were boxes of stuffed animals and camp letters, as well as a toy chest, a typewriter (remember those?), and a bowling ball. The list could go on and on, but you get the picture.

Dear friend Anna Mullin, who I have not seen for too many years.
A good friend, Kathleen Harwell, in Boston on a trip we took together in 1987.

In the first paragraph, I mentioned “getting through thirty-four years of stuff and delayed decisions.” Hopefully, you have a clear picture of some of the thirty-four years of stuff. But what about the delayed decisions? Perhaps those are clear also. Almost every item in the attics represent delayed decisions. When I put my mother’s remaining possessions in the attic when she passed away, I was delaying the decision about them. When my nursing cap and shoes were placed in the attic, I delayed the decision as to whether to keep them or not, for the manner in which they decayed in the attic made them unable to be saved for any purpose other than throwing them out thirty-four years later. Any paper left in the attic for that many years is of no use to anyone, other than to the squirrels (I prefer to think the squirrels were in the attic making a mess of any papers other than those other critters!)

(L) A much younger me, (M) Gerry Roberts, who worked with me at Wilson Memorial in Wilson, NC, and (R) My Cousin Paula, who moved with me when I moved to NC.

I did find some wonderful old photos in the main attic, and most of those were salvageable. You see some of those in this blog. I also found a letter from an old boyfriend (I wonder why I saved that?!) as well as a letter from a cousin which I will treasure. Discovering the photos made cleaning out the rest of the mess more than worth it.

MeMaw Dot (good friend Judy’s mother, who passed away years ago) and and daughter Tara having a facial. I am so glad to have found this priceless photo.

If I continue down memory lane much longer I will not finish the job of cleaning out, wrapping up, and boxing the items we will carry with us to our next adventure. While I am sure that I am not purging enough and am therefore keeping too much, I am ok with boxing up and storing anything I am having a hard time letting go. I am going to give myself six months to go back through anything still in boxes and unused, and decide what to do about those things other than continue to carry them around.

May your Christmas be merry and bright!

But nothing will go in an attic, where it will be out of sight and lost for years. I am making myself this promise. So step aside critters, and find yourself another home.

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