So much of our life is spent planning and waiting. There is also a good part of our life that is spent reliving the past. We have to force ourselves to live in the present. But the present is really all that we have. Too often we miss the present, for we are too focused on the past or the future.
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Most of us have been dealing with the Coronavirus and COVID-19 for at least four months. We are spending more time in our homes and less at retail establishments. We have limited our exposure to some of our loved ones due to concerns related to the virus. While summer is in full swing, our vacations and usual summer activities are not. We do not yet know if schools will be back in session in the fall. It is a major understatement to say that life as we knew it has not returned and may not. We are living with a new normal. While some of the changes we are experiencing are difficult, some are providing a much-needed respite from a frenzied lifestyle. Perhaps it is more productive to focus on the gifts of this time than the losses.
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Our nation celebrates a birthday tomorrow, July 4. Since 1776 when Congress made its decree for freedom and formally adopted the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, the bell for freedom has rung in our country. While we talk and sing about the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, some believe that freedom is not afforded to all citizens to the same degree. Our country is in a struggle about this. Nevertheless, freedom is our birthright. But freedom must be tied to responsibility, or we can have anarchy. This year as we celebrate, perhaps we need to think not just about freedom, but also about responsibility. For we can only remain free if we act responsibly. When we fail to act responsibly individually, our leaders must step up and lead the way for us. Not to control us, but to lead us.
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I listen to podcasts while on my (usual) daily walks. This morning’s podcast was so filled with wisdom that I stopped several times to take notes. I was listening to Brene Brown’s “Unlocking Us”, in which she interviews noteworthy experts. While I love Brene Brown’s work, not long ago I declared that I would no longer follow her due to her frequent use of profanity. Well, I have not kept that promise, and she is still using profanity. (I suppose that is not the only promise that I have broken!) I am conflicted by this, but not enough to follow through with what I said I would do about it. Her podcasts are so good, and although for me they would be even better without the profanity, I have decided to hang in there with her and hope that she changes in this regard. I am hopeful.
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It has been more than three months since life as we knew it changed dramatically for most of us. We have no idea when, if ever, our lives will return to normal. Many people are not even expecting life to return to normal, instead assuming that we will have a “new normal.” As life goes on, it becomes difficult to know how to plan. So, what are we to do? My best guess is that we must become more comfortable with not knowing.
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There is so much going on these days that can create misunderstanding and conflict. Even with the best of intentions, we can easily make the situations that are bad enough even worse. While we have a right to our opinions, we need to be careful how we express those. I do believe that most people are reasonable and truly want to get along with others, yet how some opinions are voiced makes that difficult to do so. Let’s think about these things for a moment and consider communication that builds bridges.
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We are knee deep in summer in the South. Whereas lazy days, sun and water activities, and times together with family and friends normally fill our days, many of us are still staying in place, hoping to avoid COVID-19. Still, we can be engaged in moments that create memories. An advertisement recommends, “Spend More Moments in the Moment.” What a wonderful message. Too often we are so busy going, doing, and acquiring that we fail to be present in the moment. This has not been as true since early March, due to the Coronavirus. Many of us are now used to a slower pace. Although this is an unusual time, summer provides us moments that create memories. But all moments are not the same, even when they create memories.
It is not uncommon to see families and friends together, all on their devices, totally unconnected with those present. When seeing this, I am often curious about how could whatever is on the device be more important than those with whom one is present? This is not spending the right kind of moments in the moment; quite the opposite. It is time to put technology in its place. Technology should be used for work and occasional relaxation, not to entertain us when we should be present with others. While we wouldn’t think to carry a board game into a restaurant to entertain us, our devices are small enough to accompany us almost everywhere we go. This is creating the wrong kind of moments in the moment. These are not the memories that we should savor. With most of summer still ahead of us, let’s make memories from the right kind of moments.
Most of us have boxes and bins of photos clogging our spaces and our devices. Many of those photos are of events and people that are so far removed from our present lives that we do not need to keep the photos. They were our past and can be discarded. Before doing so, however, we need to commit some time to this. For there are surely some photos in with those others that we do want to keep, perhaps some photos of our distant relatives. We can create memorable moments with our children by involving them in this process, introducing them to those relatives. We can tell them stories of those relatives, bringing them to life for a short while. For the physical photos, we should assure that the photos are labeled with all pertinent information, especially names, relationship, and dates. We can discard all negatives, for it is unlikely that those would ever be converted to photos. We can discard duplicates, unless we plan to give those to different family members. This includes the duplicates of our children’s school photos. If our children do not want those school photos, do we really want to hold on to them? Another option is to create a memory book with our children and grandchildren of their parents, themselves, and even some distant relatives.
A few other points about photos. Yes, those can be scanned and maintained digitally, and they will require less space. Before spending the time and money to do so, however, consider whether the digital form will ever be viewed again, or just sit on a shelf. A while back I found some printed pages of our daughter’s blog that she wrote years ago, which included photos of her two oldest children. I took those pages with me when I visited the grandchildren, and we relived memories and created new ones going through those together. I don’t think the experience would have been as memorable in digital form.
Another idea is to create rituals with our family that are memorable moments that become traditions. One ritual some families enjoy is a regular weekly night of pizza and movie watching. In some families these traditions are so sacred that they supersede any other activity. The summer is a good time to begin such a tradition. Also, if your family has such a tradition, do not allow the different schedule of the summer to change it, unless doing so is a conscious decision. Traditions can change, but if they just get set aside or lost in the shuffle of the different season, it does not take long before a tradition loses its meaning.
Summer is a wonderful time to play, but it should not be all about play. Many people have more available time in the summer than in the regular school year with all of its activities. We can create memorable moments by choosing to spend some time with our children volunteering to help those in need. If we have a regular time for this, and elect the same volunteer effort, it will become not just memorable moments but a meaningful tradition. If the volunteer effort has a special meaning for us, it will become even more memorable. This is different than the volunteering many people do as a part of their professional work; that, while worthy, has a different purpose. The purpose of volunteering with our children is two-fold; creating memorable moments while helping those in need.
There are many ways to create moments and memories. The exact activity is less important than the commitment to be present with others, consciously and consistently turning moments into memories.
These are challenging times. We have been quarantined away from our loved ones for two or more months, have had nowhere to go but perhaps the grocery stores, and many are suffering severe economic hardship. While some people have shown the best of themselves, others have lost whatever patience they had. One only has to visit briefly on social media to see and feel the depths of anger some are carrying. There has never been a time that we have been more in need of grace and understanding.
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A wonderful resource.
2. I use the same stuff, wear the same clothes, etc. regardless of the excess that I have.
One of the outfits I wear quite often. And no, Mike and I do not usually dress alike!
3. It is very difficult for me to part with stuff. Too often I just move it around.
4. Even with plenty of time, I did not do the things I didn’t want to do, such as cleaning.
I have wasted money and time.
5. During these more than two months, Mike and I lived in only a few of the rooms in our home. The rooms we used are the family room, kitchen, master bedroom, bathroom, and laundry/exercise room. The other ten rooms were vacant most of this time.
During our stay-at-home, many hours were spent in our kitchen.
6. I do not need foundation, eye make-up, or most of my jewelry. I did not wear eye make-up (other than a brow pencil!) or foundation at all during this time, even when I dressed and went to the grocery store. I wore the same earrings, necklace, and bracelet almost every day.
It is time for me to read my book again!
7. Committing to daily exercise is easier than planning to exercise a certain number of days per week. I have walked two miles every day but one (when it rained!) since March 20.
Social distancing while walking on the beach.
8. I need time to sit, reflect, and just be. I have enjoyed having time to do so.
9. I do best with routine.
Much of my mornings were routine, sitting in the wing chair by the fireplace with my coffee, watching the Today Show.
10. I cope best with stress by staying active, so I did not read or write much during this.
It is time to write the next book about Changing Me From The Inside Out.
11. I love our home in Raleigh. Staying-at-home there made me want more time there.
Our home in Raleigh at Christmas, which seems like years ago!
12. Time passes so quickly, even when it is standing still.
Mike and me and our precious grandchildren, before COVID-19.
Now, what will I do with this insight? Will it change my behavior in any meaningful way?
Certainly, take photos of food and flowers. Even if you never do anything with them, unless for some reason you need them. Those are a record of memories of times you have enjoyed. But if you don’t have those photos, you won’t really miss them. Not so about photos of people. If you do not have recent photos of people you love, you may wish that you did. You may miss not having those. Continue reading
It's In The Sauce! 