Time, Our Most Valuable Resource

This sunset of Lake Gaston taken on one of our trips with friends.

With time to spare, I sit pondering the subject of this week’s blog. Just like I do not usually know exactly what I will say until I begin a speech, I usually do not know the subject of my weekly blog until right before I begin to write. Neither of these is because I am unprepared; I usually overprepare. It is because I want both to be as timely as possible, so I allow for the events and insights of the moment to lead me to the message I am meant to deliver.

As I ponder, I am reminded of the gift of time, and how rare it is to have time to ponder, to just think. Most of us are so busy, rarely slowing down to think about how we spend our time. Perhaps this is a subject worthy of this blog as we enter the busiest season of the year during a pandemic.

Time spend cooking and baking with the granddaughters is always time well spent. Virginia is baking cookies here.

My mind is wandering all around, thinking about the value of time, and how we spend it. I think of two groups of friends and times we spend together, just visiting, eating, and playing.  Playing includes sunning, boating, and other lake and beach activities. We do not watch TV, other than when it rained the entire weekend at the lake recently with one of our groups of friends! We mainly just talk, catching up on each other’s lives even more than world events. I am so appreciative of the time our hosts spend preparing for our times together, and the gift of time we all give each other to come together for these, leaving all other priorities behind to do so. I think friends who spend time together like this are rare, and so valuable. Then, of course, there is the valuable time that we spend with family.

We made it to Steamboat in February for our annual family ski vacation before COVID closed everything down.

Christmas decorating requires a lot of time, and each year I wonder if it is worth it for the two to three weeks that we are able to enjoy the efforts of the time spent. I question if it is worth it until the decorating is done, and then I do not question its value at all! Each year is a new decision, however, and since I haven’t yet decorated for this season, I am not making any promises. Through the years I have gradually reduced the amount of decorating that I do. We still have live trees. Each year I revisit the live trees decision, and probably will this year as well since I haven’t begun the process.

One of our 2019 Christmas trees
This ceramic tree was made by my mother many years ago. She passed away in 1998, and this treasure is a wonderful reminder of her.

Although I love how our home looks all decorated for Christmas, and I am glad I made the effort once it is done, is this really how I want to spend this time? Time spent can never be recovered. I am less sure this year than any other year. I will let you know my decision next week, for if the decorating is to be done, it must be finished by then. While writing this, not really trying to listen to the conversation of others, I hear a woman near me telling someone on the phone that she is not decorating for Christmas this year, that she has too much going on to do so! Touché!

This gift from my friend Pam introduced me to one of my favorites things, Sarawak White Pepper. I can only find it online!

There is also the time it takes to select and purchase Christmas gifts. Some people no longer give gifts for various reasons, and not (just) because of the time it takes to do so. One of the reasons is that some people are concerned about our excess consumption. The type of gift giving has also changed. For many people, gift cards have replaced gifts, and not even gift cards to a special store. I am not implying that gift cards are a problem, but that it doesn’t take much time to purchase them. Money is also given by some, and (I assume) appreciated by the recipients. Again, there is not much time required for this gift. But if one takes time to determine just the right gift for someone, whether the time is spent in physical stores or online, it does take time. Not to mention the time spent by the recipient returning gifts when the gift does not fit or is returned for other reasons. When I think of this, perhaps gift cards or money are the right approach, for they take less time for both the buyer and the recipient! If the gift, whatever it is, is given with a giver’s heart, in the true spirit of giving, the method of delivery or the specific gift do not matter much. It is time well spent.  

This etching on a sidewalk in Key West is a poignant reminder of the importance of how we spend our time.

This subject of the value of time could cover many other aspects of the use of time, but that would take too much of your time to read! Let’s just acknowledge that however we spend our time, we should do so thoughtfully, with full knowledge that time spent is never recovered.

How we spend our time and the choices we make are intertwined.

May your holidays, be they Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, be filled with meaning and joy, and may we all stay healthy, with masks and social distancing, until we are able to return to our (new) normal.  

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Thankful for Another Year

The children’s Thanksgiving table at Tara and Stephen’s. (L to R) Virginia, MoMo, (who the children always want at their table!) Mary Grace, Elsie, and Drew.

Thanksgiving 2020 has come and gone. It was a very different holiday for most of us. Although many elected officials and the CDC warned against travelling, many did so anyway, willing to take the risk to be with loved ones. We were in that number, travelling to Georgia to be with our daughter Tara and her family. We just hope that our decision was a healthy one, and that a couple of weeks from now we are still COVID free.

The adult Thanksgiving table. (L to R) Stephen, Stephen’s parents, his mom Jane and his dad Steve, Patti, Tara, and Mike.
MoMo, Virginia, and Elsie relaxing and reading.

Whereas the past two years we have seated 65 people for Thanksgiving in Raleigh, this year there were 11 of us in St. Marys, GA.  Our daughter and son-in-law hosted a lovely gathering, with the tastiest turkey I have ever eaten. Tara said it was the freshest turkey we have ever had, running wild a couple of days before it graced our table. I tried to forget that, focusing instead on the dry brine that must have made its taste so wonderful! 

(L to R) Stephen, Tara, Virginia, and Mike boating on Thanksgiving Day, a first!
Drew and Virginia.

Although our number was much smaller, Tara kept some of our traditions alive, including pasta night on Thanksgiving Eve. Sister Dianne would have been proud. She would also be proud that I mastered her Strawberry Pretzel Salad, which the children all requested.  I must confess I was nervous about that and was so glad that it turned out well.

One of the many wild horses we saw on Cumberland Island.

My birthday usually falls within the Thanksgiving holiday, and this year was no exception. The night before we travelled home, I was surprised with a birthday party complete with a delicious homemade cake made by Tara and the girls. The next night other family members Paula and Bryan surprised me with a birthday get together, complete with Edible Art cake. The next day, on my actual birthday, Mike hosted my third birthday celebration at the Angus Barn, which was so festive, all decorated for Christmas. The Angus Barn tradition ends a birthday dinner with a pound cake.  I think this is the first year that I have had three birthday cakes!

My surprise birthday party hosted by Tara and the granddaughters.
Mike and me celebrating my birthday at the Angus Barn.
Thankful for another birthday.

Other than appreciating being honored by family, I wasn’t excited about my birthday this year. This is the last year of my sixth decade of life. I am amazed that the years have passed so quickly. While I am grateful for the years I have lived, I know that there are more years behind me than in front of me. I was lamenting that fact, until I remembered how fortunate I am to be alive, and to still have birthdays. The memory of a few people who passed away this year brought into clear awareness how blessed I am to be alive. My regrets of aging turned into gratitude for aging. How quickly our perspective can change. The same situation can be viewed from different angles and present us entirely different views. Regret for aging becomes gratitude for aging. And my age did not change, just my perspective. Thankfully.  

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Thanksgiving 2020

Thanksgiving 2019

We may forget some of our holiday gatherings, but most likely we will all remember Thanksgiving 2020, during our time of COVID. Most of us will gather in much smaller groups this year, heeding the warnings of the CDC and countless others. Our 65 family members will not gather with us in Raleigh this year, putting safety above tradition and the desire to be together.

One of many tables at Thanksgiving last year. Feeding 65 people takes a lot of tables, chairs, and china! Hopefully next year we can gather again as a large family.
Another table set for the Thanksgiving feast.

Many people will not travel to be together this year due to the risk of doing so. Mike and I, grandson Drew, and family friend MoMo will be in St. Marys, GA at daughter Tara’s for the holiday. I hope that our decision to travel to be together is a good one. We struggled with the decision, concerned about all of the warnings to stay home and only be with those in our bubble, yet decided to go, and will maintain social distancing and wear our masks. With son-in-law Stephen’s parents joining us, there will be 11 of us.

We miss being with Beverly and Uncle Barry this year.
The adult cousins had a contest that involved an adult beverage last year.
Mike was a week post op ankle surgery last year at Thanksgiving, and enjoyed visiting with the cousins at Sawmill Tap Room, where our Thanksgiving holiday begins on the Tuesday before turkey day. Not this year.

Photos of past Thanksgivings take me down memory lane and reflect how blessed we are. Seeing how much the children have grown, and noticing the other changes we have experienced, I am humbled by being healthy, recognizing those in our family whom we have lost. Two of our patriarchs, Dad Fralix and Chuck Monahan, are no longer with us except in memory and spirit. We miss them often, especially so at holiday times.

Dad Fralix and Uncle Barry at Sawmill Tap Room, Thanksgiving 2017. Dad passed away in September of 2019.
Virginia and Kennidy at Thanksgiving in 2017.
The young cousins at Thanksgiving 2017.
Mary Grace, Elsie, and Autumn at Thanksgiving 2017.

Hold fast to your loved ones, for we never know when we will be together for the last time.  The Steve Kinney family knows this all too well with the sudden loss of Stephen’s brother Robby seven months ago. Robby’s death left his family with a void that will never be filled.

A small gathering that began our 2015 Thanksgiving.
Virginia and Aunt Patty preparing for Thanksgiving in 2015.

Take lots of photos as you gather this holiday, and frame some so that you have them present when your loved ones are no longer present physically. Spend time enjoying being together, remembering those who are not with us, especially those whose absence from us in this earthly life is permanent.    

Dr. Danks and Mary Grace at Thanksgiving 2012.
Elsie and Dr. Danks at Thanksgiving 2012. My how fast the years have passed.

I wish you a safe and healthy holiday, however you celebrate. May Thanksgiving 2021 find us able to be together physically again.   

Our last large group photo; Thanksgiving 2018. Dad Fralix and Chuck Monahan will be with us in memory this year, joining us from above.
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Leading from the Inside Out

Leadership has always been one of my driving forces. I think my interest in leadership comes from the influence of my given family, especially my mother, father(s,) and maternal grandmother. Some of the influence was not positive, but it all affected me, nonetheless. I am not going to delve into the whys and wherefores of my family related to leadership; that occurred in therapy in my early 30’s. I will discuss the practical applications of leadership, and how we all benefit from having leaders who inspire and develop us.

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Getting More Comfortable with Ambiguity

People who have a need to control are having a very difficult time these days. So many things are outside of our control. They really always have been, but we have sometimes been under a delusion that we had more control than we actually have had. Not so lately. There are so many things that have happened in the past year that we could never have predicted, and that have taken away any illusion of control that we might have had. One of the results is the need to get more comfortable with ambiguity. Ambiguity, the unknown, results when we cannot anticipate with any certainty what is going to happen next. That is exactly where most of us are, not being able to anticipate with any certainty what will happen next.  

The most obvious happening we have experienced is COVID. We cannot see the end in sight. Our daily lives have been disrupted by this pandemic and we do not know how long it will last. It seems that we are at least months away from any widespread solution to this, such as a vaccine. In the meantime, we will experience very different Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations. Many of us are physically distanced from our extended families in a manner that we have not been before during holidays.

Sometimes we just need time away!

Additionally, many people are struggling financially.  Also, we should not forget that many people have family members that have suffered from COVID, some who did not survive the disease. COVID has disrupted our lives to varying degrees, but we have all been affected. The ambiguity that is still with us as a result of this pandemic makes our daily lives feel out of control, and they are.   

Then there is the recent presidential election. Whether your chosen candidate won or lost, or whether you believe we do not yet really know who won or lost, the ambiguity involved in still having a country so divided continues to threaten our sense of stability. Even when the decision of who has been duly elected as our next President is known, the division in our country will still be with us, and we do not know for how long. Regardless, we have to go about our daily lives trusting that the wheels of our government will take us where were need to go. The ambiguity involved in this can create a lack of trust in our institutions that will make it difficult for all of us.

In addition to those mentioned, you have your own list of happenings outside of your control. Some are dealing with serious illnesses, some even death, not related to COVID. Some are dealing with job losses, not knowing how they will support their families. Some families have been broken apart; the stress created by the other happenings being the last straw in already fragile relationships. 

My afternoon cappuccino centers me.

We should not fail to recognize that there have also been positive happenings. Babies have been born. Some have been cured from serious illnesses. Engagements and weddings have happened, and others are planned. Some families have gotten closer and stronger, choosing to stay together. But even the positive happenings, when we feel they are outside of our control, create ambiguity. The ambiguity created from positive happenings is more desirable than that created from negative happenings, but both create a level of stress that can be difficult to manage.

So, what can we do during these times that there is so much outside of our control?  When thee is so much we can’t control, it is even more important to focus on what we can control. What we can control is our attitude and behavior. These are always within our control.

We cannot control the behavior of others! We can only control our own behavior.

During difficult times it is very important to insulate our hot buttons, those things that get under our skin, and that can create a negative response in us. People need our best at these difficult times, as hard as that can be.  We need to doing whatever we can to stay centered and calm. Recognizing that our loved ones will remember what we say in moments of anger, even if they forgive us our outburst. Once harsh words are spoken, they can’t be taken back. It is especially important for parents to show their best to their children during these times. Our children get their sense of security and stability from the adults in their lives, especially their parents.

Our behavior needs to stay positive, as positive as possible. We should remain productive. One of the positive benefits of COVID is the recognition of how meaningless some of our “stuff” is. Now that we have been home for longer periods of time, we are now clearer about what matters, and what doesn’t. This can help us transform ourselves from people of consumption to people of creation. Doing so is not easy, but easy is not what we are called to. The lessons of this time should not be wasted on us, we should embrace them.

The attitudes and behaviors that we can control are an important focus for our attention. There is not one road map for all of us in this regard. We need to spend time going within to figure out which attitudes and behaviors are most important for us to control. If we do, we can manage the ambiguity in a manner that allows us to be our best.

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Fear and Feelings

We continue to live in an unprecedented time.

As of this writing, the final decision of the U.S. Presidential election is not known. There are predictions, but no final decision. The news is filled with vote counts and predictions. While the outcome is becoming clearer, it may be days or even weeks before the election results are finalized. I suppose it is safe to assume that we will have a duly elected President within a month, and likely sooner than that.

The pandemic is still with us, and predictions are dire for the upcoming weeks and months. Many people are preparing for a different and smaller Thanksgiving holiday, putting their concerns of safety over their desire to be with large groups of family and friends. Our extended family of 65 people will celebrate more locally in much smaller groups this year. Mike and I will travel to Georgia to be with our daughter’s family there. This will be only the third time in thirty-six years (it may be thirty-seven years, but who’s counting?!) that we have not hosted our family’s Thanksgiving. The young cousins will especially miss being together. Hopefully next year will find us all together again, pandemic free.

There is much about these times that troubles our souls. It is easy to let fear take hold. Our economy, while robust for those who are wealthy, finds many who aren’t wealthy struggling financially. Many jobs are in jeopardy. Many businesses have closed, and many more will. Safety nets have disappeared for many Americans. Feelings of loss are normal. Loss of normalcy, loss of safety and security, and loss of many things that made our lives feel stable.

We cannot change our current circumstances. We do not know when we can expect things to improve. We cannot control what is happening around us, or even to us. Our current reality is outside of our control. The only thing we have any control of is our response. We can control whether we allow our feelings of loss to become feelings of despair. We must guard against that. As long as we have control of our mind, we have control of our emotions.

Reading helps during these times.

Some quotes that can help us.

“The greatest of all virtues is courage.” Joe Biden’s mother.

Find the joy in every day!

“We should listen with the same passion that we want to be heard.” Harriet Lerner.

“Are we willing to show up and be seen when we can’t control the outcome?” Brené Brown.

“All you can do is the best you can do, and the best you can do is enough.” Said by a nurse at a spiritual retreat, and told to me by family friend, Kathy Monahan. 

“Love people for who they are instead of hating them for who they aren’t.” Jason Sudeikis.

Mike had a birthday this week; 11/5. Can you guess which one it was?!

Hopefully at least one of these quotes speaks to your heart. Hold tight to those that speak to you and allow feelings of hope to carry you through. Through the election, through the pandemic, and through all of your challenges.   

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Controlling What We Can Control

Our mountain get-a-way in Blowing Rock, NC.

As I sit in a lovely condo in Blowing Rock, NC on a three day get-a-away with my husband, the rain from the remnants of Hurricane Zeta is pounding all around. It is predicted to rain most of the time we are here. As a friend of mine has always said, “We can’t control the weather!” While I know that, I am still disappointed. The rain will keep me from doing some things that I enjoy while in the mountains, such as taking long walks. But not completely. I did walk for almost an hour yesterday soon after we arrived, in spite of the rain. I channeled my friend’s words, the same friend who said, “We can’t control the weather!” When I have complained about rain affecting my walking routine, she has said many times, “You are not made of sugar, and you will not melt!” MoMo’s wise words rang in my ears as I experienced a walk in the rain. Thinking about not being able to control the weather, other things came to mind that we can’t control, and some that we can.

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What the World Needs Now

Have you noticed that many things take more time lately, lately meaning since COVID-19? This is especially true when you call a physician’s office or a pharmacy. Once the phone is answered (not by a live voice, of course, but with an automated message) you might as well put the phone down and pick it back up five minutes later. By then the automated message about COVID precautions, address, directions, hours of operation, etc. may be over and you can then try to figure out how to get to the right person or department to answer your question. I am amazed at the waste of time involved in all of this. By the time a live person who can answer your question is on the line you may be so frustrated that you have forgotten why you called! After having this experience again today I thought it might be appropriate to think through how we navigate these experiences and remain calm.

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Making a Big Impact

“Your actions do not have to be big to make a big impact.” This is a statement I heard recently from the woman who started Lasagna Mamas, a movement gaining momentum across the country. This group spreads good will by preparing and delivering lasagna meals to families in need. What a wonderful idea. It is heartwarming to hear that some people do such good deeds. 

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Values and Commitment

This relates to more than Halloween!

When I am happy, I write. When I am confused, I write. When I am bothered, I write. This week, I am confused and bothered. So, I write. Perhaps clarity and peace will come once I put my thoughts on paper.

My current state is a result of hearing of a third family in crisis, the latest of which is a former politician running for a seat in the U.S. Senate. He is a politician that I have voted for before and planned to vote for in this election. He was predicted to win in one of the most important races, if not the most important race, other than that of the highest office, in the country. A few days ago he admitted to sending sexually explicit texts to a woman who is not his wife. More recently, it has become obvious that there has been more to that relationship than texting. The impact of this news on the election is unclear. The impact of this news on my vote in this election is just as unclear.

This news follows the news of two other families going through the same or similar family crisis. These are not politicians running for office, so the damage isn’t as public, but all are tragic. In one of these, the other woman has surfaced. In the other, no “other” has surfaced yet, but I predict will. My theory is that a man does not leave his financial security, all of a sudden no longer happy in his marriage, unless there is an “other” involved. The same is often also true when women leave their marriage, but I don’t think, to the same degree.  Since the purpose of this writing is not to focus on “why” one of the marriage partners decides to leave the marriage, or the differences between men and women making these decisions, I will not continue with the “why” one leaves. My focus is “why” one stays.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I must acknowledge that I have personal experience with this subject. I was divorced in 1980 after almost ten years of marriage. The details of that are a private matter, although known to family and close friends. 

After being single again for four years, I remarried. Mike and I have been married for thirty-six years. I have lived long enough to know that things can happen in life to shake the foundation of marriage, even after 36 years. But I am not expecting that the foundation shaking will crumble the structure of our marriage. The reason I believe this has something to do with what I think is lacking when most marriages dissolve, especially those in which there is an “other” involved.

One chooses to stay in a marriage due to values and commitment. Not because it is easy to stay. Not even because one is superhuman and thus never tempted. One chooses fidelity when one has a value of fidelity and commitment. Being true to oneself and those whose lives our decisions most affect makes it possible to remain committed, even when, and maybe most especially when, one doesn’t feel like it. Committed people do not base their decisions on feelings. If feelings governed behavior, we would all be obese couch potatoes. When we get off of the couch and take that walk or work out, our commitment has kicked in and overtaken our feelings. When we eat healthy and a reasonable portion, our commitment of health has kicked in and overtaken our feelings of comfort. Commitment is the difference, not feelings.    

The most recent news of the inappropriate relationship of the politician and the other woman, more than the situation of the other two families, is why I am confused and bothered. I do not know either of these three families well, and not the politician at all, other than as a voter. While I am saddened by the family disruptions in all three, (and the countless others out there,) I am not really touched personally by them.

The situation involving the politician affects me because it creates a dilemma for me as a voter. I am definitely not a single-issue voter; life is much too complex for that. While I am opposed to infidelity, my concern with infidelity as a voter is not based upon what I think about that on a personal level. Although the personal is political, this is a practical matter to me. What do I now do as a voter given the developments with Cal Cunningham? I cannot make this decision based upon how many other politicians have behaved in this same manner. Not John Kennedy, not Bill Clinton, not John Edwards, not Donald Trump. I am not voting for them. I will be voting for Cal Cunningham, or not.

This was written by our eight-year-old granddaughter, Virginia, about her mom. They were working on similes and metaphors in school. This is an example of some of the daily happenings that can be missed when family is not the priority. I am so grateful that Virginia’s dad and mom are committed to each other and the children.

I now have to decide if Cal Cunningham’s dishonesty in his marriage implies that he will be dishonest in what he has promised the voters. How is he to be trusted with the lives of the electorate if he has been so careless with the lives of his family? How do I know?

There is no way to know. I just have to determine in the best way that I can whether Cal Cunningham’s values represent the commitment he needs to make to those he must serve. My decision cannot be made based upon my personal opinion about his failures. It must be based upon values and commitment. Not my values and commitment, but his.

While I do not yet have peace about this decision, I do have more clarity.         

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