Traveling Challenges and Helpful Hints

Posted on April 20, 2023 by Patti Fralix
One of the many messages we get when traveling.

Mike and I travel a lot, and much of that is by car. While traveling this week, I decided to mention a few of the challenges we, and likely you also, encounter when traveling.

First of all, there are bathroom challenges. Have you noticed how different bathrooms are? Have you stood in front of the lavatory faucet, waiting for the water to magically appear, only to realize that in this bathroom you have to turn the faucet handle, that the water doesn’t come out when you wave your hand in front of the faucet?! Actually, some of those that should have water descend when you wave your hand, don’t! Then you have to try several to get the water to appear! Frustrating, but still definitely a first-world problem. I try to remember that in some parts of the world, water is in dire supply, and it behooves us who have these small inconveniences to remember our blessings.

Many bathrooms have a baby changing table, but this is the first one I have ever seen when traveling that provided diapers and wipes. So service oriented!

How about how differently the toilets flush? Some toilets have the old-fashioned handles that you operate to flush them. Many others flush the toilet for you, at least they are supposed to. I know you, like me, have stood there wondering if the toilet was really going to flush, finally deciding to manually flush it to be sure!

Then there are paper towels in some restrooms, and in many others, a blow dryer. (Dyson dryers are the best!) Previous to recently, I had only wanted the paper towel dispenser, being too impatient for the dryer to dry my hands, until I started trying to be more ecologically friendly. Now, I prefer the dryers, and if there isn’t one, I only take one paper towel, not two or three that I used to use. Now, I realize this act on my part will not save the planet, but if we all make small changes, over time we will reap the benefits, or our grandchildren will.

If you travel by car much, I hope you are familiar with my two favorite apps, Gas Buddy and Waze. Gas Buddy can save us lots of money, by giving us information on where the best prices for gas are. By checking Gas Buddy, Mike and I just saved almost five dollars on a tank of gas. Now, you may not think that savings is enough to worry about but multiply that by 52, assuming you fill up once a week, and you will have saved almost $260.  Many of us fill up more than once a week, so consider the savings that can be realized. Over time, those savings, and other changes we can make to save money, can put some serious money in our pockets to spend elsewhere, or better yet, to save!

A message seen when traveling that brought Joy to me!

Waze is an app that provides GPS navigation and real-time updates that help us avoid traffic delays. If I had turned my Waze on recently when traveling from St. Marys, GA to Southport, NC, I would have saved almost an hour in traffic. If time is not of the essence, then do not worry about Waze.  And if your money is unlimited, forget Gas Buddy. If, however, you want to save money and time, by all means, download and use Gas Buddy and Waze.  

One more helpful hint. When traveling, always have some cash and some change. Never be without cash when traveling, for you may need to pay or tip a helpful person if you need assistance. (Of course, be careful about accepting help from strangers; that goes without saying, hopefully.) As for change, you never know when you may need to put air in your tires when traveling, and those machines only take change! How much cash and how much change is enough? If you can, get in the habit of having $25 or more in cash, and at least $10 or more in change. And this is money that you do not spend for anything other than what has been mentioned, or if you do deplete it, replace it immediately. This will give you peace of mind, especially when traveling alone.

One of Mike and my recent trips was to see granddaughter Mary Grace in her last high school dance production. It was magical!

My passion is “Inspiring Positive Change in Work, Life, and Family,” and I blog (mostly) weekly on areas of interest in these three important aspects of life. Some of my posts are “heavy,” and some are “light.” “Light” isn’t less important.

Remember me when you need cash or change and you have it, or when you are trying to get the faucet in a bathroom to give you water! You will then know how important “light” topics are!

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Service Issues

Posted on April 3, 2023 by Patti Fralix
An important reminder. It is also important to be kind to the customers who showed up!

It may be due to post-COVID challenges, such as short staffing, although I am tired of COVID being used as an excuse for every problem. It may be due to generational differences, such as some in younger generations talking to others with a lack of respect, although generational differences are not a valid reason for this. It may be personality differences that create the conflict. It may be isolated events, which just seem to all be coming at me recently. Regardless of the reasons causing the problems, I am so over it. What has happened to the respect people used to show to each other? When did arguing with the customer become acceptable?   

I am not going to be specific about the experiences I have encountered lately that show a lack of respect. You probably have your own list. Since a large part of my speaking and consulting business for over thirty years has been helping others with Customer Service, I am going to remind us all (me too!) of Customer Service Principles.

The customer is King. That does not mean the customer is always right. It certainly does not excuse the customer for treating the staff of a business poorly. What it does mean is that the customer should always be treated with respect. A business cannot survive without customers. A customer can survive without the business. Let’s not forget that order, ever.     

Maybe not directly related to Customer Service, but powerful.

Communication is key. Communicating why you will not or cannot do what the customer is expecting or asking is insufficient. It is often in the “how” something is said more than the “what” is said that makes a conversation effective or not. Tone of voice is so important. So is facial expression. Also, words used matter. And there is never a place for threatening a customer, which our Uber driver did this morning while taking us to the airport. The threat was to stop the car and put us out on the side of the road if one more word was said! Amazing! The details are unimportant. You can imagine how hard it was for me to not reply to that threat.

Remember, regardless of what you are selling or providing to a customer, the first priority is Service. The definition of Service is “helpful activity, aid, the act of serving.” Another definition of Service is “duty to be rendered by one to another.” Simple, and even usually easy, but unfortunately, not as common as it was in the past.

If one is in any position in which there is an interface with a customer, it is important to remember that the customer puts food on the table of the staff. Again, that does not excuse the customer for treating the staff with a lack of respect, but it does put the responsibility on the staff to serve the customer, not the other way around.

When the staff of a business treats the customer poorly, it is important to make management aware of the problem. If management responds appropriately (which may include several options,) we may assume that is an isolated event, and continue to support the business. If not, we should walk with our money, taking our business elsewhere. When too many people defect from the business, something may change for the better for customers. We do not need to post negative reviews on social media, which may feel good momentarily, but create more problems than those problems are worth.

A great message for Customer Service.

I have noticed an increase in customer service reviews lately. It seems that more businesses are having customers review their services than ever before. Unfortunately, the reviews do not seem to be solving any problems. Perhaps people are not taking the time to complete the reviews. If it takes too much time to do the reviews, people will not spend their time doing so. If, however, the review is simple and quick to complete, we should spend our time completing them.

One company I do business with frequently has a very simple review which I usually complete. There is one simple question to answer: “If you owned a business, would you hire the person with whom you last spoke?” All that requires is a “yes” or “no” answer, not a reason why. The reason for a “no” really doesn’t matter. The details may be important to management, but the customer does not need to take their time to go into that. Management should have other ways to figure that out.

We should spend our time and money doing business with those who appreciate us and our business, and who treat us well. Our time and money are too valuable to do otherwise.

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Lessons From A 6-Year-Old

Posted on March 30, 2023 by Patti Fralix

How soon should a thank you note be written after the event that requires one? “Requires one,” you might ask? We will come back to that later. For now, let’s pose the question again. How soon should a thank you note be written? So as to not be dictatorial, the answer to this question is, the sooner the better. As soon as is feasible after the event. And certainly, before you receive one for something you did in the same time frame. Especially if the thank you note you receive is from a 6-year-old!

Mike and I traveled to Alabama a little over a month ago for the 50th anniversary party of long-time good friends. We stayed with another friend while we were in the area. Our friend who hosted us prepared meals for us, took me on an outing antiquing, and in general, provided great care for us for three days. And although I was very appreciative of my friend’s hospitality and had planned to write my thank you note as soon as we returned home, other things got in the way, and it has yet to be written. Imagine my chagrin when I received a lovely note from my other friend’s granddaughter, the friend who we were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, for a gift I took her when we were there for the anniversary party. My chagrin was due to my guilt over my thank you note to my other friend being so tardy, and recognizing how important it is to show appreciation for what we receive, tangible or otherwise.

I was touched beyond words by the thank you note from Ella Mae. I give her parents credit for teaching her the importance of gratitude, and likely helping her to express it. While I think the words are Ella Mae’s, her parents probably encouraged her to write the note, made sure she had the stationery on which to write it, and mailed it for her. I sent a FB message to her mom, letting her know how much I appreciated Ella Mae’s note, and asked that she tell her that I have it on my refrigerator for all to see how much I appreciate it.

Our 50th anniversary honoree friends, Pam and Butch Richardson and their family. Their son, Seth, daughter-in-love Allison, grandson Wyatt, and granddaughters Emma Kennedy and Ella Mae. Ella Mae is in front of her grandfather, Butch, far right. 

In case you need help with the wording of a proper thank you note, Ella Mae’s note can be used as a model. She didn’t just thank me, she told me how much she appreciates it without using those words, by telling me where she has the dolls placed in her room. And how about her words, “Thank you for always being so sweet?” That is precious beyond words, and warmed my heart in a manner few things have.  

Now, back to the question of whether or not a thank you note is “required.” When someone is gracious to us, why would we not thank them in writing for that? I do not want to assume that my readers do not know this. I imagine many are like me, just tardy in sending the handwritten note. Hopefully, this example of my 6-year-old friend is a story that can be remembered and can encourage us to do what we should in this regard. We really are not too busy to do the right thing. How long does it take, really? Maybe ten minutes max?

Thank you, Ella Mae. You touched my heart with your lovely note. I treasure it.

Now, before another day passes, I will have written and mailed my overdue thank you note. And that is not the only one I need to write, some are even tardier. Oh, me! I really must do better!

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Joy Cometh In The Morning

Posted on March 23, 2023 by Patti Fralix

My writing well was dry. Hard as I tried, I could not think of my message for this blog. This rarely happens, but today it did. I think I am tired, maybe even exhausted, probably from all of the packing and moving. And a few other, unnamed things. But I wanted to keep my commitment (to myself) to write one blog post weekly, and tonight was the night this week’s post needed to be written.

I decided to go back and look at previous blog posts, hoping for inspiration. And I found it. While I won’t name the exact post, for it really doesn’t matter, I found the inspiration I was lacking. And the inspiration I found was not in my words, but in the words of someone who replied to one of my blog posts. We never really know when someone’s words will touch another’s heart. But if something is in our heart, we should put the words out there, and while we might not know how they will touch another, they likely will.

Beautiful daffodils from my friend Rebekah’s daffodil farm in Lynchburg, VA. 

Winter is almost over, and there are signs of spring. While we know the seasons do not necessarily come at the time the calendar says they will, we can trust that one season will end, and another will begin.

Our lives are like the seasons. One part of our life ends, and another begins. That is as predictable as the seasons. If we try to hold on to one season of our life, we miss the blessings of the other season that is unfolding.

And always remember: Joy Cometh In The Morning! 

Regardless of our struggles, joy comes in the morning. This promise is found in the Bible in Psalm 30:5, which says, “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.”

For the joy to come and rest within us requires that we let go of the darkness and embrace the light.

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Taking Care Of Our Environment

Posted on March 15, 2023 by Patti Fralix

On a recent trip to Alexandria, Virginia, which is a wonderful walking city with a great downtown, I discovered a book I am so enjoying, Sustainable Minimalism, published in 2021 by Stephanie Marie Seferian. The book has me making some small changes in my daily life. While these small changes will not in and of themselves solve our environmental problems, if we all made some small changes, they would add up to large changes.

My Minimalism hero, Joshua Becker. 

One change I have consciously made is to refuse receipts, which are not needed since the charge is on my credit card, and why do I need to accept more paper, just to throw it away? This change relates to receipts for gas and all other purchases. Since I am paying more attention to what I am spending, I am recording charges on my phone as soon as they are made.

The overuse of paper towels is so wasteful. I have cotton cleaning rags that I use for most things I previously used paper towels for. Spills can easily be cleaned up with cotton cloths which can then be washed. In fact, cotton cloths can be substituted for (almost) any chore that we normally use paper towels for.   

A great book.

Mike and I travel a lot, and most of that since COVID has been driving. So, we are using public restrooms quite frequently. Whereas I do not like the noisy hand dryers found in many public bathrooms, I have finally decided that using them instead of paper towels makes perfect sense when one considers the positive impact on the environment. When I do use paper towels, it is only one, whereas previously I would pull several off without giving that any thought at all.

One of the most negative impacts on our environment is travel, whether by air or car. Think of the amount of fuel used, and what that does to our atmosphere by the buildup of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases, resulting in climate changes. Reducing our travel would be a major lifestyle change for us, and I am not ready to make that drastic of a shift yet. What I have done, and this is not a recent change, is not make unnecessary vehicle trips to stores and/or backtracking. I “bundle” my car trips and travel the most efficient route possible.

Changing our overbuying behavior is one important aspect of sustainable minimalism. Too many possessions lead to clutter. We need to have less, not organize more. Now, this is a hard one for me. While I am not as guilty of overbuying as I once was, I have entirely too much stuff from years of overbuying. Moving from an almost 5000 square foot home into a less than 2000 square foot home and attempting to find room for many of our possessions, has been a significant challenge. While we reduced much of our furniture, we have not reduced much else. The cabinets and closets in our new home are overflowing. This is my next growth area. Casserole dishes, measuring cups and spoons, and linens beware; you are next to go! 

What should we do with items we plan to let go? One option is to donate them to Goodwill or other agencies that accept slightly used items. While in doing so we rid ourselves of the immediate clutter, this option does not necessarily positively impact the environment. Many of the items donated are not able to be sold or given away to others and end up in landfills. A better option is to donate items to people who need them or can use them now. While this takes more effort than just taking a carload of stuff to a donation center, our effort is better spent. Our new neighborhood has a list serve where people who have items to sell and/or give away can post those items to the 1200 homes in the neighborhood, and the items find a new home fairly quickly.

This has nothing to do with Sustainable Minimalism! It was our oldest granddaughter, Mary Grace’s 18th birthday, and she requested this cake, which she and her mom made. It was so delicious! I have already requested it for my birthday in November. 

Making conscious decisions is key to making any of these changes. While it may be easier short term to go through life mindlessly, failing to worry about the environment, longer-term that choice can create significant problems for our children and grandchildren. I choose to make some changes now that can result in a safer world for those I love.

How about you?

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Changes Outside of Our Control

Posted on March 10, 2023 by Patti Fralix
This describes our new home, now that we are settled in and have made it ours. This sentiment is a card given to us by a good friend/family member, MoMo. 

I have experienced a lot of change recently, the most impactful being the sale of our home and moving into a much smaller home in a neighborhood somewhat removed from our local haunts. While I resisted that change for quite a while, I knew it was the right thing to do. Now that it is behind us, we are settling in, and actually enjoying some things about our new experience. More about that at another time.

Lessons learned from my year of no shopping changed how often I shop, even at discount stores like Tuesday Morning. This book is available at Amazon.

There are a couple of impending changes that I would like to resist, but it would do no good to try to do so. These changes are totally outside of my control. Both of them involve businesses of which I have been a long-time customer. Both have a loyal customer base, or at least, it appears that they do. But loyal customers can’t keep these businesses alive. The decision to close these businesses has been made at a corporate level, and likely for financial reasons. That is more obvious with one of the businesses, and somewhat of an assumption with the other. I will miss them both.

The first business to close in our area is Tuesday Morning, a discount store that sells mainly upscale housewares, mostly close-outs from other retailers. Tuesday Morning will not close all of its stores, not even all of its NC stores, but all of their stores in my area will close, and soon. The retail company filed for bankruptcy recently and announced the closing of more than half of its stores nationwide. I will miss my occasional visits to these stores and will certainly look for open Tuesday Morning stores in other locations when I am traveling.  

While I am somewhat removed from Tuesday Morning, not knowing any of its owners, that is not the case with the other business that is closing. The other business to close soon is a restaurant/bar, Sawmill Tap Room, which has been our local Cheers, where the staff knows and loves you, and always makes you feel welcome. Mike and I were at Sawmill Tap Room the first day they were open, twenty-three years ago. We even knew the owners before they opened Sawmill, when they worked at and managed 42nd Street Oyster Bar, and took great care of Mike and the business groups he frequently took there. Our family Thanksgiving celebrations started at Sawmill on the first night of our three-day events for most of our thirty-four years of gathering. Eating at Sawmill is like eating with family.  

Some of our family at Sawmill Tap Room the first night of our Thanksgiving gathering in 2019.

Sawmill Tap Room did not plan to close, but the landlord obviously has other plans and refused to renew their lease; no reason was given. While there is wailing and gnashing of teeth from its loyal customer base, Sawmill is slated to close at the end of May. There is talk of perhaps opening in another location, which would be a change, but not the death blow that is felt now. Since we have moved out of the neighborhood, Sawmill opening in another location could be of benefit to us, depending on where that new location is. Whether Sawmill will open in another location remains to be seen. Between now and the end of May, Mike and I and others we know plan to try to visit Sawmill at least once a week. For old times’ sake.

A great book.

What are the lessons in these changes? There are several. First, and perhaps most important, it is important to know whether an impending change is within our control, or outside of it. If it is outside of our control, we should not waste physical or emotional energy trying to resist it. Just move with it.

Second, we should loyally support the businesses that we frequent, with our dollars and our presence. We should help them stay alive financially. I tried to do this with Belk, which was my favorite local department store, until they shifted their merchandise from brands I love to brands I do not even like, much less love. I am now quite an infrequent shopper at Belk. I predict this major retailer with a long NC history will find itself on the chopping block in the near future.

The final lesson in these changes is that cash is king, and profit is more important than sales. A business that doesn’t have cash left over that can be reinvested in capital and growth will not survive. Hard times will come, and when they do, it is important to have a surplus to weather the storms. If COVID did not teach us this, its lessons were wasted.

I wonder when our government will figure this out. Perhaps even more importantly, when will we figure this out?

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It’s All About the Culture

Posted on March 1, 2023 by Patti Fralix

Last week I wrote about problems in retail, specifically staff not being customer oriented. This is the other side of the story.

Mike and I were in High Point, NC last weekend staying over in route back from a visit to Alabama. I wanted to go to a fabric store there, and we spent the night to make that possible. We were given a list of restaurants in the area by our hotel. We selected J Butler’s Bar and Grill on Main Street, thinking it would be a casual place to get some decent food. It turned out to be even more than that, although it didn’t start off that way. 

I do believe she accomplished this.

When we went in, we were told to sit wherever we wanted, and we chose a booth. Almost immediately, we both realized that it was cold, and considered leaving at that point. Instead, we asked the server if she could adjust the temperature to make it warmer. Her reply was, “I will ask the manager.” We then were asked for our drink order. I ordered my usual, half-and-half iced tea. Mike asked for a non-alcoholic beer. He was told that they did not have non-alcoholic beer, but that she would ask to make sure. She came back soon with the news that indeed, they did not have non-alcoholic beer. Mike ordered a Diet Pepsi.

Stephen Covey was one of the greatest Thought Leaders of all time. Principles and Values of Service were clearly evident at J Butler’s Bar and Grill in High Point, NC. 

Since we noticed that it was warmer than it had been, we decided to stay and order. We ordered a burger with fried okra and split it. Our food was very good, and my tea was perfect. (I judge a restaurant by the quality of their iced tea!) We enjoyed our meal and then asked for the check.

Mike noticed that we had not been charged for either of our beverages. Mike always lets a restaurant know if something has been left off of our bill. When the server came back to our table, Mike mentioned that we had not been charged for our drinks. She replied, “I know, I did not charge you. You wanted a non-alcoholic beer, and we did not have it. So, I did not charge you for either drink. We want to take care of our customers.” We thanked her and added some money to her tip for her graciousness.

I miss my neighbor, Laurie Turner, whose message of kindness I saw every time I went down my driveway. We have both moved from that neighborhood. 

As we were leaving the restaurant, another staff person thanked us for coming in, asked how our visit was, and said, “We want our customers to be happy!” We replied that our food was great and that it was obvious that they take good care of their customers.

J Butler’s Bar and Grill in High Point, NC has a culture of service. We never met the owner or the manager, and we did not need to. The staff took good care of us, and that culture of service starts at the top. We met the manager and owner through the behavior of the staff.

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Retail Challenges

Posted on February 22, 2023 by Patti Fralix
True, but should not be used as an excuse for poor service.

I have long enjoyed shopping, but not lately. And the use of the word “shopping” is intentional. By shopping, I do not necessarily mean buying. Shopping has been an outlet for me. I used to enjoy shopping for hours and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Perhaps it was the variety of goods. Or it could have been the beauty of the items or how they were arranged or displayed. Or the enjoyment may have been just losing myself in the stores, without having to do anything but enjoy the experience. If I was looking for something in particular and I found it, the shopping could have culminated in a purchase. But it did not have to for me to enjoy the experience. But not lately.

As one who has long advocated for customer service, speaking and writing about it, this is not the first time I have noted deficiencies in customer service. But things may be worse now. I am noticing a definitive lack of the basics of customer service. I think it may relate to COVID and the staffing shortages as a result of all of the challenges COVID fraught in retail. I wonder how long we will be able to blame all of a business’ problems on COVID?

Easier to do when we aren’t shopping!

Since we are in a new home, shopping for some things has become a necessity, or if not a necessity, something that seems like a necessity. Since we left our trash cans in the house we sold, because they were a part of the cabinetry, purchasing new trash cans seemed like a necessity. And since we are in much smaller quarters than we left behind, and we have not scaled down all of our possessions, such as shoes and clothes, it has been necessary to buy some items to make the closets manageable. I know, a case can be made that if we culled the clothes and shoes, we might have avoided buying new bins, etc. But that was not the choice we made. So, shopping for some things has felt like a necessity.

While shopping, I noticed a lack of the basics of customer service. Staffing is insufficient. It is difficult to serve the customer when there isn’t enough staff. But I, and I think others as well, have been fairly tolerant of that. What I am not tolerant of is poor attitudes and lack of friendly service from those staff who are present. Two recent examples come to mind.

Wise words on a building in the Flatiron district in NYC, the city in which I most enjoy shopping. 

I was in a store several times recently for containers including shoe holders and trash cans. On each occasion, I had to lasso someone to help me, and there was an attitude on the part of the staff, and it was not a friendly attitude. I felt like I was an unwelcome interruption in the staff’s day, while I think the main reason the staff is present is to serve the customer. After experiencing this several times, I decided I had to say something. While checking out I said, “Your merchandise is not inexpensive, and I have made several purchases in the past few days. On each occasion, at least one staff person has been less than friendly, and some rude.” The response was not what one would hope for, which was an apology, or something said to turn around a bad experience. The response instead was “We do not have enough help.” While that may be true, the comment did not address the problem I was describing, which was an air of indifference or hostility of the staff that was present. I let it go at that, for I did not have any time to spend trying to help the store fix a problem management was allowing.

At another store recently I had an unfavorable customer experience. I went into a fabric store with just a few minutes to spare, to locate one item in particular. There was two staff busy rearranging displays. Neither spoke to me. They were more focused on what they were doing than serving a customer. I looked around for a few minutes, not bothering their work. After a few minutes, I asked if there was anyone who could help me. The man replied, “We are short-staffed today, and we have to finish rearranging these displays.” Translation, no one could help me. What they were doing was more important than serving the customer. So, I looked around some more, and after a few minutes, the man came over, reiterating that they were short-staffed, and asked what I needed. I told him what I was there for, and he directed me to the area I needed and went back to work on what he had been doing. I actually did find what I was looking for, made my purchase, and left. The feeling of not being served well by the staff left with me.

And thus they cannot be found by shopping. 

What is a customer to do, given the increasing lack of service? I have several thoughts about this, although none of them will solve retail’s problems. The solution for retail’s problem(s) is with management. That will be the subject of another blog.

We must be accepting of the lack of service, for it is everywhere. Otherwise, we could explode. This problem is not going to go away quickly. It is our current reality. While I do not like to have to admit it, our expectations for service are not going to be met soon, if at all. We may find we are living with this lack of service dynamic. 

A great book by an Influencer I follow, Joshua Becker.

While we are accepting, we need to give our business to those stores that serve us best. We need to reward the stores that do have friendly staff, who do have enough of them, by giving them as much of our business as we can. We should help those businesses stay in business.

We should speak up when it is warranted, yet do so in a kind manner. We should not turn a bad situation into one that is even worse by exhibiting negative or unfriendly behavior.

I am no longer a Spendaholic or a Shopaholic, thankfully. However, I do still love beautiful things.

We should have more patience, allow more time for the shopping experience, and expect delays. If things take longer, and they do, we should manage our expectations and plan for them.

Perhaps we should shop less, which may compound retail’s problem. More stores will go out of business, and maybe they should. If something isn’t working, why keep doing it?

There is always online shopping. Amazon always seems to have enough help.

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What Does Love Have To Do With It?!

Posted on February 14, 2023 by Patti Fralix

Happy Valentine’s Day! This day in the year that some think was created by Hallmark and florists to sell cards, flowers, and candy is here again. My, doesn’t time fly? I hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day with your loved ones. But more than that, I hope that you have a wonderful day with yourself. For, hard as it is to envision, at some point we may find our loved ones occupied with no time for us, or even harder to think of, gone. Before it is necessary, we need to be able to spend time alone with ourselves and be totally comfortable with our own company.

It is important for us to protect our heart.

February is heart month. We need to protect our hearts. Of course, that protection needs to include physical, including taking care of ourselves with good nutrition, exercise, and staying up to date on our routine checkups. It is important for our blood pressure and cholesterol to be at normal levels. It goes without saying that we should not be harming our bodies by smoking, drinking alcohol to excess if at all, or using illegal substances. Most of us know that, and many people take good care of themselves physically. That does not go far enough, however. We also need to take care of ourselves emotionally. In fact, if our emotional health is not what it needs to be, it is easier to damage our bodies physically.

Our relationship with others is important, and without healthy family and social relationships, we are often lacking in the ability to be happy. The relationship with ourselves emotionally is even more important. Without a healthy self-image, we lack the ability to treat ourselves well, and if that continues for too long, we can spiral into depression.

On the wall at Weight Watchers. We should believe these words about ourselves, remembering that beauty is more than appearance.

The words self-esteem and self-confidence are often used interchangeably, although while they are both important, there is a significant difference between them.  It is important to understand the difference between these two.

Self-esteem is the belief in ourselves at our core and includes self-respect and self-efficacy. People with healthy self-esteem treat themselves well and require others to treat them well. This is not about being egotistical, it is about expecting the best for us from ourselves and from others. Healthy self-esteem is necessary to be our best self and to live our best life. We are not able to reach self-actualization, which is the achievement of personal potential, without healthy self-esteem.

Self-esteem is formed in our early years and comes from good nurturing, most importantly from our parents, and in their absence physically and/or emotionally, from our most dominant caretakers. Self-esteem is the more internal of the two, self-esteem and self-confidence. If we do not receive good nurturing as a child and lack self-esteem, it is usually necessary to rebuild that through therapy with a good and trusted therapist. A speaker friend of mine has often said that what we do not receive by the age of nine years old, we spend the rest of our lives trying to get. One manifestation of this is looking for love in all the wrong places, including from others when we do not love ourselves.

Self-confidence is the belief in ourselves more externally and involves achievement. Too often people who lack self-esteem try to be worthy by achieving success through external means, including positions of authority, accolades of others, etc. While this may work temporarily, this confidence is short-lived. As soon as the external achievement is lacking, the confidence in oneself wanes. Self-confidence can never replace self-esteem.

A great big hug to you on Valentine’s Day!

This discussion of self-esteem and self-confidence is not all-inclusive, and is not intended as a theoretical analysis, and certainly is not given as an excuse for being self-centered. This has nothing to do with self-centeredness or selfishness, and everything to do with being emotionally healthy. Further, the point of this is to understand why we do not expect the best from ourselves and from others, and why we depend on others to meet our emotional needs. People who do not love themselves, who do not treat themselves well, and who also do not treat others well, need to do the necessary internal work to rectify this and to be emotionally healthy.

Maybe this is too much of a stretch for Valentine’s Day. Can’t we just focus on flowers, candy, and other treats, and not worry about all of this? Well, yes, we can, for a day. But not for much longer than that if we want to be healthy emotionally and be truly happy.

Treat yourself and others well on Valentine’s Day and all days. Be your best self. We need your best to collectively be able to solve our world’s pressing problems. That is only possible when we are our best.

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Still Cleaning Out

Posted on February 9, 2023 by Patti Fralix

It has been five weeks since we moved, and I am still cleaning out. I remain amazed at all of the stuff we have accumulated over the years. While moving from a 4800 square foot house to one that is slightly less than 2000 square feet presents some challenges, those are less about the size differences of the houses than the amount of stuff that we have. I am determined to live with less stuff and am chipping away at the problem. It is hard, but I know it is for the best.

This was one of my favorite pieces of furniture, that is now in a new home. It was at Always Home, an upscale consignment shop in Durham, that took our furniture and other items we chose to let go, when a woman purchased it. I could tell she will love it as I did.

We sold about half of our furniture, and yet still have tables, lamps, and other items that have to be stored because there is nowhere to put them. I am torn about what of these to keep, wondering if we will have space for them in the future. One part of me wants to just get rid of the excess items, and not worry about the future. The thought of moving again anytime soon sends me into a panic. Another part of me wants to keep all of my stuff since I have loved all of it. If it is damaged, I am well able to get rid of it. If not, I want to hold onto it.

These two furniture pieces made it to our new home. The book/magazine piece on the L was my maternal grandmother’s, and the bookcase/desk on the R was my paternal grandparents’. 

Part of my dilemma with letting go or holding on relates to being in a temporary situation. Not knowing where we wanted to go next, Mike and I rented a house for a year, to give us time to make a well-thought-out decision. So, we are in limbo. While I am trying to not focus on that too much, and live in the present, it is difficult. There are some things I want to do in our present home, yet knowing that it is a rental that we may only be in for a year makes me not want to make too many improvements to it. On the other hand, my space is important to me, and I need to make it my own, even if it is only for a year. So I am going slowly with the changes, and being careful to not spend money unnecessarily on things I can’t take with me.

Our French cupboard that served as our kitchen pantry has been repurposed as a storage cabinet in our new home. It is a perfect fit in its new location. 

My greatest dilemma is the windows. They are all bare except for the blinds. I have some gorgeous window treatments that I kept, and I am going to see if they can be remade to use in our current home. I am not happy with bare windows. If the ones I have can’t be remade, I will need to do something else. I can’t be content with bare windows for a year. Even though we know how fast a year can pass.

Maybe so!

Then there are the bed linens, including sheets, blankets, and pillows. I have gotten rid of all full-size beds, so letting go of those linens was not difficult. But the decorative pillows, now that have been a challenge. They were custom, matched the window treatments, and meet my need for beauty. But the bedrooms are small, the closets even smaller, and there is no place to keep all of this stuff. I have talked to myself long and hard about letting go, even thinking about buying new if we ever need more. But it is still hard.

Happy birthday to (L) Elsie, who is 16 today, and congratulations to (R) Mary Grace, who has made her college decision, and is UGA bound! 

But I am working through it, and almost all of my decisions have been made. It is time to enjoy less, and make this home our forever home, whether it will be or not.

I want to live in the present, remembering the past but not holding onto it. And accepting that the future is unknown. All we have is the present, and I am ready to live as if it is all I will ever know.

And speaking of the present, Happy 16th birthday to granddaughter Elsie!

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