Just like some of you, I have some family and friends who are dealing with health issues. I am grateful that I am healthy overall, and I do not take that for granted. So, I made myself walk two-and-a-half miles a couple of days this week, although I did not want to. I thought of my friend who isn’t capable of walking, and just got myself out there. I had to push myself, but I did it. I am not bragging, just sharing. There will come a time when we will not be physically or mentally able to do things we can do now. So, as long as we are able, we need to be as physically active as we can be.
As I think about life, I am amazed at how fast time has flown by. I am 73 years old, and I honestly do not know how the years passed so quickly. It seems like only yesterday that I was graduating from high school, yet it has been fifty-five years. I celebrated my fiftieth college reunion last May. My daughter Tara will be fifty years old this November, (I am not sure she will appreciate me announcing that!) and my oldest granddaughter is 20. When I hear the age of someone who is older than I am, I do the math, and wonder if I will live that long. This is not intended to be morbid, just to acknowledge that we do not have unlimited time. Time is finite, and once gone, it is gone forever. And so are some of our loved ones.
Our family lost a dear (chosen) family member this week. The loss is significant. Coy Davis made his heavenly transition at the age of 94. I think of all of the times I could have called, and didn’t. Now, it is too late. I am not really feeling guilty (although I probably should) as much as remorseful. My opportunity to connect has passed. All I have now are memories and photos, and I treasure both.
One of Mike and my last visits with Coy Davis.
Once the time to do anything we want to do has passed, our opportunity to do that does not come around again. I know we know this, yet we live as if we have forever, all the while knowing that we don’t. Our time is limited. Time is our most valuable resource. We should not waste it.
If time is finite, it behooves us to decide how we want to spend it, and not waste any of it. While we do not know how long we will live, we can decide how we will live.
I love basketball! It is my all time favorite sport. So this is my favorite time of the year for sports, with the ACC championship just ended and the NCAA tournament about to begin. I am somewhat glued to the TV. I am a Virginia undergrad and UAB master’s grad, and my husband is a Duke (MBA) and NCSU (undergrad and Ph.D)grad, so we especially follow those teams. Virginia and NCSU did not make it to the NCAA tournament. I am holding onto hope that Duke will go all the way, with or without Cooper Flagg.
Sports can teach us something about life, quite a lot, in fact. As I watch basketball, I am struck by how the players play their hearts out until the very end. They just keep going, regardless of the score or their odds of winning. There is a lesson for us in this. Regardless of what is going on in us or around us, we need to just keep going. Even when it is tempting to do so, we should not quit! We need to just keep going! Nothing is accomplished by quitting. Even when the odds are against us, if we keep going, we have a chance to beat the odds. When we quit, we surrender.
I started this blog while watching Duke and Louisville battle it out for the ACC championship. That game was like most of the others that I watched this past weekend, too close to call until the very end. I watched UNC fall to Duke, and Auburn and Alabama both lose, and UAB win, then lose to Louisville. In the ACC championship game, Louisville played hard and could have won, but didn’t; Duke prevailed. Duke won the regular season and the ACC championship, the first time for winning both since 2006. And without Coach K! Coach Jon Scheyer has proven that Duke can win without Coach K and without Cooper Flagg. As several Duke players said, it is a team; it is not about one person, regardless of how talented is that one person.
My dear beloved Uncle Barry who passed away in 2021 at the age of 90 said many times, “Just keep going as long as you can, for there will come a time when you can’t.” He was so right, and he did keep going until the very end, when he no longer could.
Do you Just Keep Going, even when it is hard to do so? Do you Just Keep Going until the very end, until the bell rings and the game (whatever your game is) is over?
Here comes March Madness and the NCAA. Many players and many teams, all vying for the championship. All Keeping Going as long as they can. A lesson for all of us.
Looking around, we see businesses that have failed in the past few years. We also see those that have survived, and even some that have thrived. While it is easy to give Covid or the economy the blame, that is failing to ignore an important distinction. Businesses that have survived or thrived changed and met the demands of the time, and those that failed did not. The last time Mike and I travelled to NYC we saw firsthand an example of this.
The Wayfarer Restaurant on 57th street, one of our favorites, had closed, and the reason given was that it “did not survive COVID.” Rue 57, another of our favorites located right across the street from the Wayfarer, was and is still going strong. Similar food choices, similar prices, same location. Why did one survive and thrives, and the other not? While I do not know the particulars, I can assume that the Wayfarer did not change as needed, and Rue 57 did. Rue 57 remained relevant, and the Wayfarer did not.
I would be remiss to fail to mention 42nd Street Oyster Bar and Restaurant in downtown Raleigh, NC, an almost one-hundred-year-old institution, that will close at the end of March. The reason given for closing is a lease issue, and I do not assume that this Raleigh institution has not remained relevant. But I can’t help but compare it to another Raleigh institution, the Angus Barn, that opened in 1960, and is packed every night and shows no signs of anything but growth.
There are other examples of businesses that remained relevant and those that did not. The same can be said about us. If we are struggling, we should consider if we have changed to meet the demands of the times , or if we are holding on to a past that has passed.
We all know that the only constant is change. Yet, some of us stay set in our ways, and refuse to adapt as life requires. We refuse to read the tea leaves, assuming that we can continue to behave in the same manner as we always have, even when doing so does not move us forward.
Is there something that you are holding on to that you need to let go? If so, what will it take for you to do so? Don’t think you have to have all of the answers before you take the next step. It is possible that in taking the next logical step you will be unblocking whatever is preventing you from other steps that will lead you to where you need to be.
Perhaps there is something in here for you to ponder. If so, do not allow yourself to stay blocked. Take the next logical step, and trust that what you need will be there.
The question is often asked, “Which is more important, Purpose or Passion?” I think that question puts the wrong focus on this issue. Purpose and Passion are both important, and the best answer to the Purpose and Passion importance question is: “It is best to live a life of purpose, passionately.”
What is purpose? Purpose can be explained as “Why we are here, living and breathing. The meaning of our life is our purpose. Purpose is not about a job or career, but how the job or career gives our life meaning, and not (just) to us, but to others. Purpose can be thought of as the “Why” of our life. When all is said and done, and it will be one day for all of us, will it matter at all that we lived?
Passion is the “How” we live our lives. It is the inspiration to wholeheartedly and enthusiastically employ all of our energies and resources into living our purpose. People with passion are fully engaged in living a life of purpose and meaning.
People of purpose and passion change things, and the changes are usually, but not always, improvements. Think of Mother Teresa, who improved the lives of those she touched. She did so in a quiet way, unlike motivational guru Tony Robbins, who many would agree helps others find their purpose and passion, and he does so in a very different manner than Mother Teresa. While both of these famous people lived (Mother Teresa) or live (Tony Robbins) lives of purpose and passion, the manner in which those are expressed was/is very different. Passion does not necessarily involve excitement. People of passion can lead quiet lives, expressing their passion quite differently than someone whose passion is out front.
If we love what we do and who we do it for, we will be people of passion. While that passion can be expressed very differently, the people it serves will know it and feel it. We will be living our purpose out loud, although not necessarily loudly.
If the purpose our life serves is only or mainly for self, we should not think of this as living a life of purpose worthy of others following us. While people may indeed follow the one whose passion and purpose is more self-focused, they will be doing so for their own benefit, not for the improvement of others.
Purpose and Passion give our lives meaning. A question worthy of pondering is, “When we are no longer alive, will it really matter that we lived?”
Dean Ernie Ern lived a life or Purpose and Passion when he co-educated the University of Virginia in 1970. He changed the lives of these three women:(L to R) Betty Shotton, Patti Fralix and Debbie Denn0.
I have long been interested in customer service. It is one of the three areas of focus of my business, The Fralix Group, and has been for all thirty-three years that I have been in business. The other two areas of focus of my business are Leadership/Management and Managing Differences. Today my mind is on Customer Service.
Reggie Jackson Honda in Raleigh, NC is one of the three businesses that I will feature in this article. I am a fairly new customer of this business, and I have been impressed each time I have had service from them. From the call or online booking of the appointment, to the actual service itself, I have been overly impressed at each interaction. My experience with Reggie Jackson Honda is very different from my previous service appointments with car dealerships. Since this is my first Honda, my previous experiences were not with Honda. I do not plan to give negative service information in this post, so I will leave the specifics of my precious experiences with car dealerships for the imagination. Suffice it to say, what I have found at Reggie Jackson Honda is the opposite of what I found at other establishments. So, what is the experience at Reggie Jackson Honda?
The bookings of the appointments have been easy, customer friendly, and responsive. The systems work, from the online portal being user friendly to the knowledge and assistance of the live person on the phone. Making appointments is easy, as it should be. If it wasn’t easy, I might not have become a loyal customer! The dealership is beautiful, and the customer waiting area has comfortable seating and tables that make working pleasant. Refreshments are provided. The time estimate given when the car was checked in for the work to be completed has been accurate, for the most part.
While I can’t really judge the quality of the work, my car seems to be in good condition when I leave the dealership, so I assume the quality is as good or better than I could receive anywhere else. The cost I also assume is comparable to others. The staff are professional, friendly, and seem competent. I am very pleased with the entire experience at Reggie Jackson Honda. An added bonus is that the customer is offered a complimentary car wash with every service.
The second business I want to discuss related to Excellent Customer Service is the Flying Biscuit in the Village in Raleigh, where Mike and I had breakfast after church last Sunday. This was the second time we have been to this restaurant, (compliments of a gift card!) and we had a great experience both times. Both times the restaurant was packed, and both times we sat at the bar to eat to reduce our waiting time.
The food was delicious, as one would want it to be for it to be included as an example of excellent service. The choices of menu items were extensive, offering options for breakfast, brunch, and lunch. The dining experience begins with a complimentary biscuit served with apple butter. The portions are generous. The costs of the items are reasonable. All of that is great and we would probably return even without a gift card. But what sets this restaurant apart is really not the food, but the service.
Mike and I were both impressed with the attention of the servers. They were very interested in assuring that we had a good experience, and showed that in their attention to us. Management is obviously hiring a certain type of server, one who really wants to serve! While we never saw a manager, they were present in how the staff served us.
The third business that provides excellent customer service is New Word Cafe on Duraleigh Road in Raleigh. I have used this location numerous times for client meetings, and it has worked well. There is ample space between tables so confidentiality can be maintained. The cappuccino is delicious, as are the butter cookies that I allow myself to indulge in when I am there. The menu items for breakfast and lunch are extensive, and everything I have had has been delicious.
The service at New World Cafe sets it apart from other coffee shops, so I go out of my way to go there instead of to some other coffee shops that are closer in distance to me. An added feature at New World Cafe that is important to me is a porcelain, not paper, mug. Cappuccino tastes better from a porcelain mug, and the environment is better served.
Many businesses are struggling lately, and I want to spend my hard earned money with the businesses that provide a level of service that is important to me. I recommend that we all do.
As I think about my people, I divide them into three categories: Family, Friends, and Others. I have long since learned that it is hard to maintain relationships at all, much less relationships in which there is no logical connection or reason to do so. Relationships require work, and it is often a zero sum game. But life is richer when we have good relationships. There is even recent research that proves that having healthy relationships has a direct connection to our longevity. Since healthy relationships are important, even life sustaining, it behooves us to do our best to make relationships a priority.
Our family relationships should be a priority. I have a broad definition of family, including friends who are chosen family, and who, in some cases, are closer to us than our biological family. And while it is difficult to maintain relationships at all, it is quite alright (to me!) to not even attempt to stay connected to family members who are so removed from our lives that trying to stay connected to them seems unnecessary. Also, if certain family members are a negative influence on us, it is alright to keep those at a distance. But life without good family relationships can be very lonely, and it is our family with whom we have the longest history. We should all do our best to have loving family relationships with those in our family with whom we are emotionally most connected.
A Christmas gift from my precious twelve -year-old granddaughter Virginia.
Friends can be a lifeblood for us. It is our closest friends who keep us connected to ourselves. It is our friends who understand us, who support us, and who should be there for us when we most need them. It has been said that some of our friends are for a season, some for a reason, and some for a lifetime. As we age and our lives change, our friends often change. While it is sometimes hard to do so, we need to be able to let go of some of our friends (those who were there for a season or a reason) to make room for others. If we try to hold on long past the time we need to let go, we find that our friend relationships go stale and we are left trying to hold on to what has already passed. However, we will maintain some friend relationships for a lifetime, and while those will be few, they will be such a part of our history and present that we and they cannot let go.
My college suite mate Alda Biddell and me at our fiftieth college reunion at UVA last May.
The third category of relationships, the “Others” category, includes business connections, neighbors, and casual relationships from different parts of our lives. While these relationships involve a commitment to stay connected, the connection is not as deep as that of our connection with our family and friends. These relationships are more episodic in nature, and our connections with these others ebb and flow. When there is no longer a reason to stay connected, these relationships die a natural death.
My lunch bunch that has been together for more than twenty years.
Do an inventory of your relationships. How is it with your family, those members of your family to whom you want to stay connected? Do you feel supported by your family? Do you enjoy time spent with members of your family?
How is it with your friends? Do you have good, supportive friend relationships? Are you and they making the effort to stay connected? Do you find ways to get together routinely? Relationships require time and commitment.
As for your neighborhood, does it have a sense of community? Have you heard of Doug’s viral winter party? Doug, an 87 year-old, hosted a birthday party and delivered a hand written invitation to his neighbors. One of his young neighbors was so touched that she posted the invitation online. The response from around the world has proven that people want connection. Doug’s neighbor said she had been wanting a sense of community, and Doug provided it. How are you providing a sense of community?
Relationships matter. Good relationships keep us connected not just to others, but to ourselves. Do you have healthy and supportive relationships? If not, are you willing to do all that you can to change that? Make 2025 the year that you make good relationships a priority.
I have taken a break from posting lately. I have posted a blog almost weekly for ten years. The last blog I posted was December 16. While I know that I do best when I stick to a schedule, for a couple of reasons, my weekly posting schedule became too much recently. The main reason for this is that my very able assistant, Gina, is no longer helping me post the blog to the same degree she had been doing. Oh, how I miss Gina’s help!
The holidays also affected my schedule. Once I was not on a weekly posting schedule, it was easy to let the days and weeks pass without posting. (Isn’t that the way it goes?!) Now that I am posting again, I need to determine a frequency that works best for me, and my readers. I will appreciate your thoughts about this.
I was having a conversation with a friend recently. She told me that she no longer shops in a local store because of their stance on some social issues with which she disagrees. As I thought about this, I realized that my friend’s values and the values of the owners of the store are in conflict.
Some businesses are very bold about living their values. Two well known businesses that live their values are Chick-fil-A and Hobby Lobby, both closed on Sundays for religious reasons. You may not agree with the businesses’ decision on this, but you likely can appreciate the fact that they are living their values.
Living Values Out Loud
In my opinion, my friend’s decision is the right decision for her to make if she disagrees with the values of the store. Taking our business elsewhere, walking with our feet and no longer financially supporting a business establishment whose actions we disagree with, allows us to live our values. The store is also living its values when it chooses to not support or promote a cause it disagrees with.
We should be careful when we choose to live our values out loud. It is too easy for us to tromp over someone else’s values while trying to live ours.
A Universal Value
Is there a difference in accepting, supporting, and promoting in the area of values? I think so. While I may accept a social value and the right of others to live that value, if I disagree with it, I do not need to promote it. The greater challenge is in the area of supporting a value with which we disagree.
What is the difference in supporting and promoting? Supporting may include not discriminating in advertising, while promoting can include advertising for that cause.
As with other things, the ends (in this case, accepting and promoting) are not usually the challenge. The challenge is in the messy middle.
Don’t let them go to their grave, or you to yours, without forgiveness. If reconciliation is possible, strive for reconciliation. But if reconciliation is not possible, and/or if it is too late for that, forgive. Forgiveness is always possible, even if you are the only one in the dynamic aware of your forgiveness. And you know what is said about forgiveness. Forgiveness is for us, not for the other person. Oh, of course, the other person deserves forgiveness. Yes, believe it, they do. But the one who benefits the most is the one who forgives.
I will always remember one of my last conversations with my mother. She was in the hospital, very ill. We had a troubled relationship for many years. My mother was an alcoholic and did some things a parent, or anyone for that matter, should never do. I had long since forgiven her for how she mistreated me, but she was not able to forgive herself. On that day I remember her saying, “I wish I had been a better mother, that I had not done the things I did to you.” I replied, “Mother, I forgave that many years ago.” She replied, “I wish I could forgive myself.” I don’t think she ever did forgive herself, which still grieves me to this day. There are also some things that I did not do for my mother when she needed my help, that I will always regret. It is too late to repair that, but it is not too late for me to forgive myself. So, I have forgiven myself, and strive to be a better person in all of my relationships.
My beautiful mother
At this season of Christmas, we should think about the gift of our relationships, and do our best to make them all healthy and loving, while there is still time. This is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves, and to others.
Is there someone you need to forgive, including yourself? As long as there is breath, there is time.
I continue to be amazed at how things change as time goes by. This time of the year as I turn another year older, thankfully, I am especially mindful of this. Even when we bemoan the fact of aging, we know the only alternative to aging, even with its aches and pains, is death, and most chose life over death. Even so, we often resist the changes that come with aging, and not just those changes we experience in our bodies. Thanksgiving has just passed in the United States, and Christmas and other holidays are around the bend, Some of the changes I have experienced relate to this time of the year.
If you have known me long, you have heard me talk and write about our family’s Thanksgiving traditions. Mike and I hosted our extended family’s Thanksgivings for thirty-five years. What began as ten to twelve of us grew to sixty-five of us. As our celebrations grew, so did my collection of china Turkey plates, crystal, and silver. Our home in Raleigh was able to seat all sixty-five, and I enjoyed preparing the tables more than the food. We are a family of cooks,
and our meals began on Wednesday morning and ended on Friday night.
Mike and I hosting the Thanksgiving feasts ended three years ago when we downsized and no longer had the space. The elder cousins took up the mantle and now plan our celebrations. Two of the last three years we travelled to the beach and one year we went to the mountains. Paper and plastic have replaced china turkey plates, but the food is just as delicious. I am sure that most of the family enjoy dish duty much more now! Our most recent Thanksgiving we were in Oak Island, NC, and there were 42 of us. The elder cousins are doing a phenomenal job keeping our tradition alive, and I am gradually letting go of our earlier tradition, including the turkey plates.
Our precious five grandchildren. Top: (L) 19 year-old Mary Grace, (R) 12 year-old Virginia, (Middle) 17 year-old Elsie, and Bottom (L) 6 year- old Drew and (R) 2 year-old Hayden.
Christmas is only two weeks away, and given the proximity of Thanksgiving to Christmas this year and our traveling schedule, I, for the first time ever, seriously considered not putting up a Christmas tree. Last year I broke with tradition and had our first artificial tree. That was a hard change for me to make, since in earlier years we had as many as five live trees! But once I made the change, and especially this year when it was so easy to get the tree out of storage and avoid the tree lots and all of that effort, I was so glad that we had made the change. And although we do not have much time to enjoy the tree this year, I decided I had to have a tree. While I said it was so our youngest grandchildren who live near us would be able to enjoy the tree, I know it is really me that wants to enjoy it. I am not ready to give up this tradition yet. But I am letting go of hosting parties, since the effort involved is more than I am able to exert.
As I ruminate over how our traditions have changed, I am mindful of how change changes us. Some of the changes are indeed losses, and we need to be able to grieve those before we are able to let them go and enjoy what changes replace them. Some of the changes are indeed gains, and if we are able to grasp those for what benefits they give us, we can move forward without regret.
50 years passed so quickly!
It is easy to resist change, yet we cannot truly avoid changing and changes. Change is a necessary part of life. When we resist change, we are trying to hold on to what was, failing to accept what is. While our past slips out of our hands, we have the choice to grab onto the new with all of its benefits, and yes, also with its losses. We also have the choice to try to hold on to what we had, thinking we can keep things like they were, which never works.
What changes are you experiencing? Are you accepting those gracefully? If so, you can eventually enjoy the benefits of your new reality. The other choice we have is to bemoan our new reality, and become bitter trying to hold on to what was. What do you choose?
I choose paper and plastic over china. The alternative could be not gathering with family at all, and that would be a much greater loss.
It's In The Sauce! 