Finding Love in all the Right Places

Posted on February 12, 2021 by Patti Fralix

Valentine’s Day, the day of Love, is soon approaching. Many couples will be celebrating, although many will celebrate indoors due to COVID concerns. While you are preparing for how you will celebrate, think about what this day will mean for many others. Also think about what Love really means.

Three women friends are on my mind who recently lost their spouses due to death. I am sure that Valentine’s Day will forever be sad for them, and especially the first Valentine’s Day after their spouse’s death. While good memories will also be with them, their loss will most likely be more pronounced on this day. I wish I had thought of this and them in time to send them a note, but I didn’t. One receives many cards and notes soon after a loved one’s death, then after a few weeks and months most of us go back to our normal routines, failing to remember that for those who suffered the loss most directly, routines will never be normal again. Yes, life goes on after a loss, and as the years pass, the loss is not as acute, but it never goes away. I am thinking of two other friends who lost their spouses to death eight years ago, and I am sure that they feel their loss very acutely on Valentine’s Day. And that has nothing to do with roses or chocolate.

Love in action. Virginia gives Drew so much time and attention.

Almost forty years ago, when I was without a romantic partner, a coworker gave me a Valentine’s card. I don’t remember exactly what was written on the card, but something about believing that I would find love again, and that she was thinking of me at that time. I was so touched by her thoughtfulness, and this many years later, I am still touched by it. What a thoughtful expression of kindness. Whenever I think of that co-worker, Geri, her kindness is my memory. Geri was right, I did find love again, but had I not, I hope I would still have had a full life, like my friend I mention below.   

Valentine’s Day is about Love and does not need to be just for those who have Love with romantic partners. We all need Love, and on this day set aside for Love, we can broaden our thoughts about how to show Love to our family and friends. I sent our grandchildren Valentine’s Day cards, but why did I not send our children, their parents, a card or a note telling them what they mean to me? Because I did not think about it. I hope to do better, and not just for Valentine’s Day.

Love in action is daughter Tara spending countless hours in the car taking daughter Elsie far and near for soccer.

I have a good friend who has never married and who has not had a romantic partner in the thirty-five years that I have known her. She has a full life without romantic Love. Last night she even commented that she is one of the happiest people that she knows! I agree that she is, and that she has a wonderful life. She is financially and emotionally independent, and has several families that have adopted her, (ours being one of those!) and whose children she cares for deeply. She is my best example of someone who has found happiness without being legally connected to anyone else.

Friend MoMo (L) is more family than friend. She and Gisele (R) have been family for more than forty years, across the countries of the U.S. and Canada. Our family has claimed MoMo for thirty-five years

As I think about my friend, I analyze what she has that many others lack, those legally connected to others and those who aren’t. I think I have found the secret, which isn’t really a secret at all. She is happy with herself and doesn’t need anyone else to complete her. She has healthy self-esteem, knowing at her core that she is a person of worth, and treats herself and others well. She has not lamented any loss by not having a romantic partner in her life, having found happiness within and through her many connections. She also has a career that she loves and is very competent and confident in it and committed to it.

My 2020 Valentine’s card from Mike, which I have enjoyed having on display this week.

Some people want and even need the Love of a romantic partner. There is nothing wrong with that. There is good solid research that married people are happier and even live longer than those who aren’t married. The problem occurs when that need is not satisfied, and the person feels incomplete without someone else.

Cousins, Bridget and Mary Grace, showing love in the age of COVID.

Love, on Valentine’s Day and all days. Love those to whom you are connected, legally or otherwise. But also Love yourself. Believe that you are enough, just like you are, with or without anyone else. For only when we are complete within ourselves can we really be our best with others.

 Buy yourself flowers, often!

Be enough for yourself. Then reach out and show Love to others. For you know, “What the world needs now………”  

       

Posted in family, love, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Letting Go

Posted on February 6, 2021 by Patti Fralix
Our home in Raleigh.

This past year has found many of us at home more than ever. While there is always much that can be done at home, many, like me, avoid doing those things. I have never really enjoyed housework and have been fortunate enough to be able to have someone else do that. During this past year with more time than disposable income, I have done more of our housework. I have come face to face with areas of our home that heretofore I had avoided, such as my closet. I have been shocked at what I found.

The changes chronicled in my 2017 book (available on Amazon) prepared me for other changes.

I was not surprised to find too many clothes, shoes, and accessories in my closet. I was not even surprised to find some of those that had never been worn, with tags still on them. But I was surprised at the few clothes and shoes that I wear, and the many that sit unused in the closet collecting dust. I was actually shocked at the sheer volume of unused items taking up space.

My closet tells the tale of my spendaholic behavior!

With all of the time that I have had, why have I neglected to purge those things that I will probably never wear again? Especially those items that I hope to never be able to wear again, because they are a size that I hope that I have left behind permanently.

Thankful for all of our blessings, more than any of our “stuff.”

In the past year, I have spent more money at the tailors than in stores, and not because I have been afraid to frequent stores, or because stores weren’t open some of that time. The reason I have spent so much with tailors is because I had clothes that had to be altered to be able to wear them. Some of the clothes could not be altered, and I consigned those, or gave them away. Even so, I still have too many clothes that need the same attention. Why have I not taken care of that? What is it about stuff; clothes, shoes, accessories, collectibles and many other things that I hold onto? While I do not know “why,” I have long known that I have a problem letting go. Whether the “letting go” is stuff or people, it is very difficult for me to do.

There is fear in letting go.

Mike and I are trying to decide if it is time to sell our home in Raleigh. Well, we know it is (at least, probably) time to sell, but we are struggling with the decision. It is entirely too much home for us at this time in our lives, too much space, too much upkeep, just too much. But it is still a hard decision. While we make the decision, I am taking this time to prepare for selling it, so if/when we do, it will be ready. That involves cleaning out those closets and getting rid of lots of stuff. I am letting this be stage 1 of what I hope will make selling the logical next step. We will see. This is tough. Letting go of clothes and stuff is a miniscule decision compared to letting go of our home that we built, raised our family in, and have lived in for thirty-three years.  

Indeed.

In the past two years I have let go of alcohol, and do not really miss it, at least, not often or much. I have also let go of 57 pounds, and I do not miss those at all.

If walls confine, it is time to let go.

But our home? Now that is a loss of a very different magnitude.    

Posted in change, family, life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Human Capital

Posted on January 29, 2021 by Patti Fralix
Research shows us that the happiest people are those with close relationships.

When you are deciding who to give your business to, how do you decide? What traits are most important to you?

One of the most important human skills of all.

Is knowledge of the product or service important? Of course. But this is a given, for you would not trust someone to represent your interest if they lacked knowledge of the product or service. So, if you were selling a home, you would probably want a realtor who has knowledge of the area and who has sold homes like yours before. But would this knowledge alone be sufficient for you to hire her? Maybe, maybe not. You would prefer someone who has a proven track record, who has experience, although you recognize that to get experience requires that others be willing to be a part of that person’s training.

An example of technology replacing some human skills.

Is technical ability important to you? Do you prefer that someone be social media savvy? Is competence important to you? Depending on whether you are buying or selling, and the exact product or service you are buying or selling, may determine the importance of these areas to you.

An anniversary gift from our MoMo, one who excels in human capital.

There is one area that supersedes all others. That area is what I refer to as human capital, which is a professional word for “people skills.” This is often referred to as “soft skills,” but I do not use “soft skills “as a descriptor. In American society there is a ranking order for “hard skills,” which is technical and professional skills, and “soft skills,” which is human skills, such as relationship building skills. Soft skills are often not considered as important as hard skills. I maintain the opposite opinion. If one has technical ability yet lacks relationship building skills, she will not be effective in many situations.

This 8-year-old granddaughter has better human capital than many adults!

Being able to communicate with and get along with all types of people gives one a clear advantage over those who lack this ability. This is more important today than ever before in our world of increasing diversity.

Eating together without technology present is important.

Do you make eye contact well and easily? Do you smile? Do you engage others in conversation about themselves? Do you show gratitude for what others have done for you, such as writing warm and specific thank you notes? Do you put your phone and computer down and connect with others? Do you ask good questions, and listen well to the answers?

These examples are just a starting point for describing human capital, or human skills. How well do they describe you?

“Love, Welcome, Serve,” a great book, and a wonderful mandate.

Thankfully, it is never too late to change our behavior, although behavior change is one of the hardest changes to make. If we want to improve our relationship building behavior, we can.

If we do not want to, we won’t.

Posted in Relationships, service | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Very Important Week

Posted on January 20, 2021 by Patti Fralix

Monday was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, a national holiday that honors the life and legacy of Dr. MLK, Jr., which was a bright spot in what can be a very dark week. Today, Wednesday, January 20, 2021, Joseph R. Biden, Jr. will be inaugurated as the 46th President of the United States. Our nation’s capital, the District of Columbia, is on lockdown, preparing for violence surrounding what should be a peaceful transition of power from one administration to the next. Many are worried about violence as Trump leaves office and Biden assumes the presidency. The Capitol riots of January 6, 2021 are our most recent and best example of our very divided nation.

The walls in our heart can be like walls of sand, dividing us from each other.

All of this is going on as our world continues to struggle with the coronavirus and its effects, including business shutdowns, job losses, and other widespread economic woes. The vaccines we thought would improve things greatly are having a difficult rollout, and as such have not yet improved things. It is unknown when things will improve, either our political divide or our experience with the coronavirus. So, what are we to do about any of this? Even with the vaccine on the way, experts tell us our best defense is still masks and social distancing.

While at times it can be “too peopley,” many miss  being able to be with loved ones and friends during COVID.
Indeed it does!

We can do our part to repair the racial divide. While Black Lives Matter is an organized effort to do just that, we do not have to participate in an organized movement. We can be a movement in and of ourselves. Every action we take can help or hinder racial inequities. We are part of the problem or part of the solution. What we say and what we do speaks volumes to others about our values. I had an experience last week that reinforced that to me.

“May you always do for others and let others do for you.” Bob Dylan

I was in a doctor’s office, dropping off some papers. As I left and got on the elevator, a man who also got into the elevator started talking to me. He told me that his doctor’s appointment had just been cancelled because he did not have $25. He had assumed that his visit was covered and did not realize that he needed $25 cash. He said he offered to go and get the money, but they would not wait, and cancelled his appointment. The next appointment they made for him was two months away. He said he knew he did not need to wait two months, but he didn’t know what to do. I immediately knew what I should do. I said to him, “May I give you the $25?” He was shocked and replied, “You would do that for me?!” I replied, “I am glad to do that; I can, and I am glad to.” He replied, it’s a God thing,” and I believed it was. I believed at the time and still believe that the man was only sharing his heart, he was not asking for money.

Of course, “man” is generic.

Since I only had a $50 bill, he and I went back into the doctor’s office, and I tried to pay the $25 for him. The receptionist said she had already cancelled his appointment. Had I not been insistent that it had only been five minutes, that surely, she could reinstate his appointment, I am convinced, money or not, his appointment would not have been reinstated. I am sure that the reason I did not have the $25 to give him, that I had to break the $50 bill, was so that I could intercede on his behalf and have his appointment reinstated.  All the while my new friend was filling out the paperwork (on an iPad) and change was being made to pay the $25, he was thanking me, repeating over and over that it was a God thing. He asked for my address so he could send me a thank you note, and he wanted to repay me. I told him he did not need to repay me, just to pay it forward. Although I normally pay attention to social distancing, I did not worry about that when my new friend hugged me.

I left the doctor’s office and five minutes later went back in to get an address. A woman came up to me and said, “That was a wonderful thing that you did for that man, he has been singing your praises since you left, telling everyone around what you did for him.” I thanked her, and left, knowing that I had only done what any of us should do, if and when we can; help someone else. The fact that the man I helped was black should not matter; it did not matter to me. But to others looking on and knowing what had been done for him, that a black man was aided by a white woman, including the white woman who told me how wonderful it was, it may have mattered. This might be an example that some can relate to more than the marches they see. Maybe. The personal is political.

Love in action with Virginia and Drew

What can we do about the political divide in our country? Instead of trying to change the opinion of others, we can listen more and better, trying to understand the depths of unrest that put us where we are in this country. We can stop trying to explain our position on social media and recognize that anything we say about this issue will not change any minds and can further divide us from others. We can let time begin to change some hearts, even ours. We can develop more compassion and empathy for those who think differently from us and begin to build bridges with them over common ground. 

We can walk a mile in others’ shoes.

Posted in best self, change, conflict, hope | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Mistakes and Miscommunication

Posted on January 14, 2021 by Patti Fralix

Have you noticed an increase in mistakes being made by service staff? How about misinformation, inaccurate assumptions, and errors in communication of information? I have noticed all of these and attribute them to our current challenges due to the pandemic. While I do not want to “blame” things on the pandemic just because it is our reality, I do believe our current state of affairs caused by the pandemic results in some particular problems. My purpose in bringing this into our awareness is so that we will all be more careful, kind, and diligent.

Continue reading →
Posted in change, conflict, service | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Looking Back

Posted on January 5, 2021 by Patti Fralix

Before we get too far into 2021, I want to look back on 2020, specifically the COVID time, March to December. I do not want to forget this time. This will be my month-by-month chronology.

March 2020 started out as any March; windy, cool, and some days sunny. Mike and I went to Georgia to celebrate with our granddaughter, Mary Grace, for her 15th birthday on March 12. The next week, with the advent of the pandemic and restrictions caused because of it, our world changed. From March 23 to April 22, I cooked with abandon. Most of my days and evenings were spent nesting, trying new recipes from cookbooks I rarely used as well as cooking recipes from old favorite cookbooks.  Mike and I ate well, and I filled the freezer with meals for later. There was no eating out, since most restaurants were closed for eating in. I have never enjoyed take-out, so even when some restaurants opened for take-out, I chose to cook and eat in. My outings were mainly to the grocery stores. I maintained my daily walk routine, glad to be outdoors and away from a mask.

 Celebrating Mary Grace’s 15th birthday March 12 before the pandemic changed our world.
One of the less complicated meals I cooked in March, but so delicious and nurturing.

April came and I still cooked. Mike and I started a ritual of going outside for an hour each afternoon, both to get some sun and to break the monotony of being indoors. After that I would usually take my walk, then have a cappuccino. April was the first month that I missed seeing our grandchildren (credit to COVID) in fifteen years. Mike and I celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary at home with a delicious take-out meal from our favorite restaurant, Margaux’s, compliments of our special family friend, MoMo. Later that evening our family’s world was changed forever with the news of the death of our son-in-love, Stephen’s, 41-year-old brother, Robby. Our anniversary will never be the same; it will always be shared with Robby’s passing. Hold tight to your loved ones, for we never know when we are having our last time with them.

Mike sitting outside on our daily outing.
Mike sitting outside on our daily outing.
One of my favorite new recipes from a cookbook I rarely used before COVID.
One of my favorite new recipes from a cookbook, Milk Street The New Home Cooking, I rarely used before COVID.

May began with our governor putting NC into Phase One of a closing/reopening plan.  Restaurants remained closed other than for takeout, and bars, salons, and gyms also remained closed. Many people isolated themselves from anyone outside of their bubble, including family, and we did also, until late May. We saw our daughter and her family who live in Raleigh periodically, careful about our exposure to or from our grandson who was in daycare. Our daughter and granddaughters came up from Georgia in late May. We remained safe from all of these visits, thankfully. My dear hairstylist, Anne, came from Durham and set up shop in our home, and gave a haircut to our granddaughter, Mary Grace, and cuts and color for MoMo and me. May 30th Mike and I checked into a condo in Hilton Head ahead of other family members for our family’s yearly vacation. The next morning, we discovered that someone had broken into our van during the night and stolen some valuables that should not have been left in the vehicle.

My Mother’s Day cards.
My Mother’s Day cards.
COVID made this even more true.
COVID made this even more true.

While our vehicle break-in was not a fun way to begin our weeks’ vacation, we managed to enjoy our time away, and all stayed COVID free. We were so glad to begin to resume some of a normal lifestyle in June. We began to eat in restaurants as those opened up, yet not at our normal level pre-COVID. We travelled to Georgia the last weekend in June to celebrate with our youngest granddaughter, Virginia, on her 8th birthday.

Our bubble: Mary Grace, Elsie, Bridget, MoMo, and Virginia at The Salty Dog Cafe in Hilton Head.
Our bubble: Mary Grace, Elsie, Bridget, MoMo, and Virginia at The Salty Dog Café in Hilton Head.
Fun times boating in St. Marys, GA the weekend of celebrating Virginia’s 8th birthday.
Fun times boating in St. Marys, GA the weekend of celebrating Virginia’s 8th birthday.

July began with our daughter Tara’s family from Georgia in Raleigh for the 4th of July holiday. We felt very fortunate to be able to be together, while remaining safe from COVID. So many people for various reasons were separated from their loved ones for months, and we (obviously) were not.

A 4th of July family celebration.
COVID gave us the opportunity to do more of this than ever before.
COVID gave us the opportunity to do more of this than ever before.

August found us travelling to Alabama for a very sad gathering, the funeral of a good friend, Jim Townsend, who passed away on August 22nd at 48 years of age after a long and brave battle with cancer. My wonderful friend for fifty-three years, who lost her husband eight years ago and now lost her oldest child, remained steadfast in her faith. I remain in awe of her grace.

Miracles abound, even during the pandemic.
A promise worth believing.
A promise worth believing.

September began with granddaughter Mary Grace coming to Raleigh for a visit for the Labor Day holiday. Mid-month Mike and I went to Key West for our annual vacation and were pleased to find social distancing and masks in full force. We ended the month with a visit to Virginia to celebrate with my uncle for his 90th birthday. Again, although we definitely pushed the envelope with all of our travelling, all of our family remained COVID free, thankfully. Most of our travelling was by car, and when the family was together, we were usually only with those we considered in our bubble.

Key West was serious about social distancing and masks.
Key West was serious about social distancing and masks.
Uncle Barry’s 90th birthday celebration.
Uncle Barry’s 90th birthday celebration.

October was filled with the upcoming U.S. presidential election discussion, disagreement and widening division. Given the increased vitriol, many people just wanted it to be over. The middle of the month we went to Lake Gaston with a group of friends who normally get together in July, which COVID preempted this summer. It rained all weekend, which did not dispel our enjoyment of being together. Mike and I went to Blowing Rock, NC for a few days at the end of the month, arriving home on Halloween to see our grandson, Drew, dressed out.

Walks on the beach centered my soul.
Walks on the beach centered my soul.
Many people threatened this if the outcome of the election did not go their way.
Many people threatened this if the outcome of the election did not go their way.

The outcome of the November 3rd presidential election is still being debated by some, but Joe Biden will be installed as President on January 20, 2021. There is already discussion of Donald Trump running for President in 2024. Thanksgiving 2020 was a quieter event than usual for our family. Usually more than sixty people gather in Raleigh for the holiday, but all agreed that the pandemic precluded that this year. A small group of us gathered for Thanksgiving in Georgia.

The children’s table at Thanksgiving in St. Marys, GA. MoMo is always requested at the children’s table!
The children’s table at Thanksgiving in St. Marys, GA. MoMo is always requested at the children’s table!
Thankful for all of our blessings, even during COVID.
Thankful for all of our blessings, even during COVID.

December 2020 brought family together once again for Christmas. Although experts warned against families gathering, our family came together in Raleigh. We were not unconcerned about the risk in doing so yet chose to be together as safely as we could. While the number of people diagnosed with and many dying from COVID or its complications continued to climb, we stayed safe, and are so grateful for that. If this year has taught us anything, it is that life is fragile, and we should not take it for granted.

Granddaughter Elsie and daughter Tara at Elsie’s soccer tournament in Savannah. GA has had in-person school, sports, and activities since August.
Granddaughter Elsie and daughter Tara at Elsie’s soccer tournament in Savannah. St. Marys, GA has had in-person school, sports, and activities since early August 2020.
Patti and granddaughters Mary Grace, Elsie, and Virginia at a Christmas luncheon at Raleigh City Club.
Patti and granddaughters Mary Grace, Elsie, and Virginia at a Christmas luncheon at Raleigh City Club.

Many people are touting 2021, glad to leave 2020 behind, yet not much has changed. While there are two vaccines approved for use in the U.S., vaccines will not be available for widespread use until mid-year. Many parts of our economy are not yet recovering, and some never will.  Many people are struggling financially, and in other ways as well. Weight gain and alcohol sales have increased. Stress is at an all time high.

What will 2021 bring us? Will we be able to leave the pandemic behind, strengthened by the lessons it taught us? Or will we continue to struggle with the unknown, not knowing when things will return to (what many believe will be a new) normal?

The answer will come. But when?           

Posted in change, life, thankful, travel | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The End and Beginning of a Year

Posted on December 30, 2020 by Patti Fralix

Just two more days to go and we will say goodbye to 2020. It has indeed been a difficult year.  2020 will go down in the history books as the year of a worldwide major pandemic, one that caused the deaths of many people. Many families were disrupted, unable to see their loved ones for almost a year. Many businesses closed, never to reopen. Economic conditions for many people have been dire. Food lines were longer, and more people than ever before struggled with poverty.

Yes, 2020 has been a very difficult year. But as I write this, I am aware that we still have much for which to be grateful, especially life. For we should not forget that some we love did not survive this year, and not just from COVID. If we are able to lament the conditions of 2020, we are alive, and have hope for things to improve, while we greive the loss of those who are no longer with us.  

Our family friends Bryan and Jim Townsend, reunited in heaven with the passing of Jim in August, joining his dad Bryan, who left us eight years ago.
Robby Kinney, our son-in-love Stephen’s brother, passed away suddenly in April, reinforcing to us the importance of holding tightly to our loved ones.

With two vaccines being dispensed in the U.S., hope is on the horizon. Predictions are that by mid 2021, many of our current conditions will be greatly improved. While we may have social distancing and masks around well into the new year, gradually our lives will be able to return to a (new) normal. It remains to be seen what we will want to keep from this COVID time, while we gladly shed many of its restrictions.

The COVID Experience recorded by 29 freelancers of the Triangle Association of Freelancers. Available on Amazon.

The end of a year and the beginning of a new one has some people reviewing their progress in the year ending and planning for the new year. While doing so this year with so many unknowns still with us is more difficult, it is still a worthy endeavor.

Lunch at City Club Raleigh with daughter Tara and granddaughters Mary Grace, Elsie, and Virginia.
Grandson Drew loves dinosaurs, and received at least 30 for Christmas!

Reviewing my blog from this time last year, I have some successes that I can celebrate. A year later, I am still a non-drinker. I have not just kept my weight off that I had lost, but I have lost even more, now at a weight that I plan to sustain. I have had success with these two commitments in spite of this year’s challenges. I am not prideful about these successes, just grateful.  

The table set by 8 year-old granddaughter Virginia. Virginia knows the rules about silverware and napkin placement, and chooses to break them!

Managing my money better in 2020 was also one of my commitments, one with which I did not have as much success. I did have some improvement in this area, but not as much as I planned. COVID gets some of the credit/blame, but my spending habits are really the culprit. I once again plan to improve in this area in 2021.

This year’s family ornament. Only family who sleep over on Christmas Eve are on the ornament.

How has 2020 been for you? If you made some resolutions, in reviewing them, how have you fared? Are you proud of your progress, or did you fail to keep your promises to yourself? Other than the obvious, the pandemic and many overall challenges, what reasons do you have for your progress, or lack of it?

Where do you want your life to be this time next year? It is time to make those decisions and put in motion actions that will help you to be successful. Time is to be treasured, and a year is a long time in one regard, and a short time in another. Once gone, we can no longer recover what that time could have been for us.

Mike and I wish you the happiest of New Years!

Would you not love to have even a few more minutes with your loved ones who are not able to welcome a new year? Sadly, that is not possible; that time is gone. It is possible, however, to spend time with yourself, grateful for the ability to say goodbye to a difficult year, and hello to (hopefully) a year full of promise. Do we not owe that to those we love, both those who have passed and those who are still with us? Time, and life, are to be treasured.

Happy New Year! May 2021 be all that you want it to be.   

Posted in change, gratitude, hope, life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas, or Is It?

Posted on December 22, 2020 by Patti Fralix
Our Douglas Fir tree, a first!

2020 is soon to end, but not before Christmas is celebrated. We would probably all agree that this has been a year unlike any other. So, it is expected that this will not be a “normal” Christmas. Of course, I am referring to the secular part of Christmas. The real meaning of Christmas is not affected by COVID.

‘Oh how I miss the hustle and bustle of NYC at Christmas!
The Rockefeller Christmas tree in 2016. 2020 is the first year we have missed being in NYC during the Christmas season in many years.

I respectfully acknowledge that everyone reading this does not celebrate Christmas, and I ask that those who do not celebrate Christmas read this in the spirit of celebration, not just Christmas celebration.  

I mentioned in a previous post that I was not excited about decorating for Christmas, and I wasn’t even sure that I would. But, I did. I did not decorate as much as I normally do, but I did decorate. I am glad that I did, although there have been some challenges.

One of our two matching trees of 2019.

Whereas I normally have (at least) two live Christmas trees, this year I only have one. It is a good thing that I decided to only have one tree, for although I went early to select our tree, there were very few trees left, and no Fraser Firs. I had to settle on a Douglas Fir, and I am not happy with it. The branches are not sturdy, so it is difficult to hang any ornaments on them. It looks bare in too many places, and it isn’t easy to hide those bare places. Worse than this, however, is the fact that the tree is dying one week after it was decorated! Although I have filled the stand with water, the tree is not drinking the water. When I realized this, I googled “Douglas Fir not drinking water.” I found this to be a common problem with Douglas Fir trees. I discovered that the base of this particular tree has to be cut a certain way, or this problem happens. Obviously, the young man who prepared my tree did not know this either or did not do it if he did. There is no solution to this problem other than hope it holds up until Christmas day, and ignore how sad it looks while it is dying. Although I am disappointed, I am not really surprised. Since this year is unlike any other, it is fitting that this year’s Christmas tree reflects this.

This wooden Santa was lovingly made by our dear Shirshee many years ago.

One of my favorite things to do at Christmas while decorating the tree is remember where our ornaments came from. So many of our ornaments were given to us by friends and family through the years. Our collection is extensive, and I can remember who gave us most of them. Then, there are our two family ornament collections that Mike started, one of them thirty-seven years ago, and the other also a long time ago. 

Last year’s family Christmas ornament.
One of our annual family Christmas ornaments. Only the names of those who sleep at the house are on the ornament.

Our daughter and her family who live in Georgia will be coming home this week for Christmas, and we hope that we will all stay healthy. We are not unconcerned about COVID and would understand if they chose to forego coming home this year, although we are certainly happy that they will be with us. So that part of our holiday will be normal. Other parts will not be. We will not go to our church’s Christmas Eve Candlelight service, preferring to watch it virtually instead of exposing ourselves to a number of people outside of our bubble. We will also not go to Christmas Day dinner at a relative’s, so as to not expose his elderly mother to those of us outside of her bubble.

From our Sesame Street ornament set purchased in Gadsden, Al in the late 70’s. So many memories!
Most of our White House ornaments, a collection started by Mike years ago.

How will you celebrate this year? Is your planned holiday celebration similar to years past, or very different? Is it beginning to look a lot like Christmas at your house?

One of our family’s “rules” is no one can come into the presents area until everyone is up. This photo from 2019 is Virginia, Elsie, and Mary Grace patiently waiting on the adults.

More importantly, is it beginning to look a lot like Christmas in your heart?  

Posted in family, traditions | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

What We Get Used To

Posted on December 15, 2020 by Patti Fralix

I just finished my lunch of romaine lettuce, grape tomatoes, diced onions, and 1 tablespoon of Garlic Expressions Vinaigrette, (my favorite salad dressing, discovered from a fellow blogger, Susan of Between Naps on the Porch) and it was delicious. Those ingredients were the only ones that I had to make a salad with, at least of things that are healthy. I used to not like salads, and now I love them. Thinking about this reminds me that we are creatures of habit and are more prone to like what we get used to, and not like what is unfamiliar. I can think of more examples of this, especially things that I had to get used to before developing a taste for them. Some of those things were good for me, and some not.

Oatmeal is healthy nourishment. Adding brown sugar, pecans, cinnamon, and vanilla makes it a special treat.
A delicious and healthy meal at Canyon Ranch’s café at the Venetian in Las Vegas enjoyed before COVID.

I have written previously about my decision to no longer drink alcohol, a decision I made May 7, 2019. I am now a non-drinker. I made the decision to stop drinking to lose weight, and it helped me to do that. I also had to change my overall eating habits to lose the weight I wanted to lose, which I did, and met my Weight Watchers weight goal July 13, 2019. Once I met that weight goal, I continued on my plan, and have lost a total of 57 pounds. Accomplishing this required that I change my habits, learning to like some things I previously did not enjoy, and giving up some things, such as Chardonnay, that I enjoyed. I still miss the Chardonnay, but I enjoy the weight loss and the general feeling of well being more.

March 31, 2019; Moscow. 150 pounds.
May 6, 2020; 105 pounds.
November 29, 2020; The Angus Barn, Raleigh. 101.8 pounds.

My weight loss was accomplished before I started a daily walking routine. Almost every day I walk two miles and have done so since January of 2020. I started walking for my health, specifically my osteoporosis and cholesterol. I have walked for exercise before, but never this consistently or for this length of time. Even if the walking is not directly related to my weight management plan, I feel much better overall from this exercise, and plan to continue it. I use this time for listening to podcasts and catching up on phone calls with friends. I hope that I will also see improvement in my bone mass and cholesterol, but even if not, I feel improvement in my mental health and overall physical health. This is another example of getting used to a routine before beginning to enjoy it.

Walking on the beach is a peaceful way to exercise.

I have known for years that I have an addictive personality. I am addicted to food that is not healthy or good for me, specifically sweets. While I am able to eat sweets in moderation, I will never be able to eat all of the sweets that I would like to if I want to maintain my weight loss. That is a non-negotiable fact. While I do not want to be deprived of food I enjoy, I am willing to control my food intake to remain healthy, and to maintain a healthy weight loss. That does not feel like deprivation, but discipline.

I do not think that I was addicted to alcohol, or I would not have been able to quit drinking so effortlessly. I certainly had a habit of drinking Chardonnay daily that was not good for me.  I did not drink alcohol at all until I was in my mid to late 20’s, and usually only drank wine, and an occasional Lemon Drop Martini or Appletini. I remember having to develop a taste for wine, not enjoying the taste at all when I first started drinking it. Initially I only drank socially. Over the years that changed to enjoying Chardonnay very much and drinking it daily. This is an example of getting used to something that wasn’t good for me.

We are called to be our best selves.

Other than rejoining WW and walking daily, the two behaviors that have helped me maintain my weight and health focus, I have other systems that help me to remain committed. The most important of these is daily recording of everything I eat and drink. If it goes in my mouth it is written down. I use the WW app for this. Sometimes this discipline keeps me from eating something I am about to put in my mouth! I also weigh myself daily in the same clothes and try to determine how my weight fluctuates up or down a pound or two and make changes accordingly.

I haven’t read the book, but I am living the life!

What we get used to can help us or hinder us. Sometimes our habits develop over time and we are not even aware that what was once occasional has become a habit. Some of those habits are not good for us. Also, as motivational speaker Jim Rohn said many years ago, our habits build on each other, one good habit leading to another. Jim Rohn gave the example of eating an apple-a-day made taking a daily walk easier. The same is also true for one bad habit making another bad habit easier. I recall eating more sweets and other carbohydrates with my Chardonnay. 

Food is nourishment and can be pleasurable, but should not be for stress relief.

What have you gotten used to? Are those things serving your higher purpose, or making it more difficult for you to be who you want to be? If so, are you willing to change some of what needs to change? If you are stuck, just get started. You may be amazed at what you can do once you get started. Do not try to figure it all out at once. Just get started, and the rest will come.

Let me know If I can be of any help. The purpose of this weekly blog is to inspire positive change. One step at a time.  

Posted in best self, change, life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Time, Our Most Valuable Resource

Posted on December 9, 2020 by Patti Fralix
This sunset of Lake Gaston taken on one of our trips with friends.

With time to spare, I sit pondering the subject of this week’s blog. Just like I do not usually know exactly what I will say until I begin a speech, I usually do not know the subject of my weekly blog until right before I begin to write. Neither of these is because I am unprepared; I usually overprepare. It is because I want both to be as timely as possible, so I allow for the events and insights of the moment to lead me to the message I am meant to deliver.

As I ponder, I am reminded of the gift of time, and how rare it is to have time to ponder, to just think. Most of us are so busy, rarely slowing down to think about how we spend our time. Perhaps this is a subject worthy of this blog as we enter the busiest season of the year during a pandemic.

Time spend cooking and baking with the granddaughters is always time well spent. Virginia is baking cookies here.

My mind is wandering all around, thinking about the value of time, and how we spend it. I think of two groups of friends and times we spend together, just visiting, eating, and playing.  Playing includes sunning, boating, and other lake and beach activities. We do not watch TV, other than when it rained the entire weekend at the lake recently with one of our groups of friends! We mainly just talk, catching up on each other’s lives even more than world events. I am so appreciative of the time our hosts spend preparing for our times together, and the gift of time we all give each other to come together for these, leaving all other priorities behind to do so. I think friends who spend time together like this are rare, and so valuable. Then, of course, there is the valuable time that we spend with family.

We made it to Steamboat in February for our annual family ski vacation before COVID closed everything down.

Christmas decorating requires a lot of time, and each year I wonder if it is worth it for the two to three weeks that we are able to enjoy the efforts of the time spent. I question if it is worth it until the decorating is done, and then I do not question its value at all! Each year is a new decision, however, and since I haven’t yet decorated for this season, I am not making any promises. Through the years I have gradually reduced the amount of decorating that I do. We still have live trees. Each year I revisit the live trees decision, and probably will this year as well since I haven’t begun the process.

One of our 2019 Christmas trees
This ceramic tree was made by my mother many years ago. She passed away in 1998, and this treasure is a wonderful reminder of her.

Although I love how our home looks all decorated for Christmas, and I am glad I made the effort once it is done, is this really how I want to spend this time? Time spent can never be recovered. I am less sure this year than any other year. I will let you know my decision next week, for if the decorating is to be done, it must be finished by then. While writing this, not really trying to listen to the conversation of others, I hear a woman near me telling someone on the phone that she is not decorating for Christmas this year, that she has too much going on to do so! Touché!

This gift from my friend Pam introduced me to one of my favorites things, Sarawak White Pepper. I can only find it online!

There is also the time it takes to select and purchase Christmas gifts. Some people no longer give gifts for various reasons, and not (just) because of the time it takes to do so. One of the reasons is that some people are concerned about our excess consumption. The type of gift giving has also changed. For many people, gift cards have replaced gifts, and not even gift cards to a special store. I am not implying that gift cards are a problem, but that it doesn’t take much time to purchase them. Money is also given by some, and (I assume) appreciated by the recipients. Again, there is not much time required for this gift. But if one takes time to determine just the right gift for someone, whether the time is spent in physical stores or online, it does take time. Not to mention the time spent by the recipient returning gifts when the gift does not fit or is returned for other reasons. When I think of this, perhaps gift cards or money are the right approach, for they take less time for both the buyer and the recipient! If the gift, whatever it is, is given with a giver’s heart, in the true spirit of giving, the method of delivery or the specific gift do not matter much. It is time well spent.  

This etching on a sidewalk in Key West is a poignant reminder of the importance of how we spend our time.

This subject of the value of time could cover many other aspects of the use of time, but that would take too much of your time to read! Let’s just acknowledge that however we spend our time, we should do so thoughtfully, with full knowledge that time spent is never recovered.

How we spend our time and the choices we make are intertwined.

May your holidays, be they Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, be filled with meaning and joy, and may we all stay healthy, with masks and social distancing, until we are able to return to our (new) normal.  

Posted in family, gratitude, life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment